I had a good weekend away. I managed to get some one-on-one time with my Mum and a close friend. I also met up with a good friend who was visiting from Australia with her husband and five month old baby. I was able to be honest with all three women about where I was at. That was all I needed - not a big long conversation about the aftermath of SIF - just an acknowledgment.
The friend with the baby apologised in person for telling me to be grateful for the one I had in an email. I am so glad I emailed back my truth and said that actually the last three and a half years have been pretty shitty. If I hadn't, I would have carried around my resentment and she would have assumed that all was well.
I am getting more and more open and honest about SIF each day. I really want to be done with this - this intense grief and so I have no choice really but to talk about it - to whoever will listen. It is part of who I am - a bit of an open book when it comes to emotional things. It feels and has felt so wrong to withhold my true feelings for the last three plus years.
Today I bumped into a MOT friend I haven't seen for a while at the supermarket and she commented that I looked tired and so the tears started up when I told her that I was going through a rough time around the aftermath of SIF. She listened, didn't judge and was there for me one hundred percent as I talked a bit about my grief through my tears. Being a MOT I have kept her at arms length, but I am at a place where I can perhaps disclose more of my story to Mums of Many now. Bumps are still a no-go zone for me.
I got phoned up by a journalist last week to see if I wanted to do an interview for the local community paper and perhaps a radio interview about my SIF story. He phoned me because he saw the ad for the IF support group. I do want to do it but have been mulling over how much I want to reveal. I guess I will be pretty open but perhaps won't mention that I have been blogging for two and a half years. With my name and possibly photograph going in the paper, I know that employers etc will possibly read the article and I'm not sure I want them to be reading my deep and darkest thoughts on line!
I had a chat with the woman I know who has adopted and fostered children locally. We are going to meet tomorrow for a coffee. She said she really didn't like the adoption process and agreed that you need to have healed considerably around IF before going into the prospective adoptive parents pool. She confirmed my worst fears around adoption: that IF never goes away even post-adoption and doesn't heal all IF wounds. I thought that was the case. I guess I am moving into acceptance that I will probably carry these SIF scars for life in some shape and form. Adoption comes with issues which this woman didn't downplay either. It isn't an easy option. A lot of thought does need to go into it so I think we are doing the right thing by taking our time with the process.
I saw a photo of Sandra Bullock with her newly adopted son on the front of a magazine in the supermarket today. I read the article in it and she does mention what a difficult process adoption is to go through. I'll know when it's time to pick things up again for us. After talking to this local wonan though who has been through it all, I do get that I will probably go through the process with an open wound as that is just the way it is.
We had our IF meeting last night. Another woman with SIF turned up! Hurray! It is the first time in three and a half years that I have met another woman with SIF in the same town who wants to talk/share about it. We are going to do coffee sometime soon.
So I'm getting there. Still loads of grief/tears coming weekly - but I am moving forward in my own way. I have a letter coming at the end of May from the IF specialist which should have some kind of a conclusion in it about early menopause. I'm looking forward to receiving that, despite how difficult the content might be. I just need the closure. I am just about done with this SIF gig. I so desperately want to move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment