Being gentle with myself

I just went for a lovely serene walk on the beach after I dropped my daughter off at school. It is Thursday and I have the morning off and I have the whole day off tomorrow as well. I am adapting to this new phase in my life where I'm a part-time working Mum with a child at school. I have to say I rather enjoy the work-life balance of working Monday - Wednesday 9 - 1pm with Thursday and Fridays off and then the whole weekend for family time.

My daughter with her ASD (autism spectrum disorder) isn't in school full-time. She does three full days a week but has two afternoons off school a week as she seems to need the downtime. I have to say as a Mum of one; I don't mind the fact that I get to take her out of school a couple of times a week! In fact, I took her out early yesterday as she is at the tail-end of a cold and was just plain exhausted. The school is supportive of her leaving early when she needs to.

I am really enjoying my Thursday and Fridays off where I can come home and just "be." I am trying to lead a much simplier life these days and do relish being at home and having our home to myself. It feels kinda selfish - but it feels really good! It is the next stage in my healing essentially - finding peace within the aftermath of SIF.

I feel close to God these days and I am really trying to make time to listen to Him. Not to just talk! ;) (or beg!) I have been doing Bodybalance twice a week at the gym which is a Yoga/Tai Chi/Pilates class. I go for walks when I can. And I do a gentle workout at the gym with low-intensity cardio followed by weights a couple of times a week which feels like the right kind of work-out for me at this point in time. Up until two months ago I was doing RPM classes and other cardio-based group fitness classes. I needed to do those as a way of coping with my SIF emotions. But I am in a different space now. I feel being gentle with myself is the way to go. It is a time of healing; accepting, forgiving and reconciling my SIF journey in mind, body and soul.

A couple of nights ago I sat down with my husband and we filled out the financial papers for the adoption process. I have done my part for the paperwork around work history/extended family/etc. I have passed on the papers to my husband to fill out his part - and have to be patient and let him do it in his own time! Now that I have finally filled the forms out; I am keen to post them off and resume the rest of the adoption process. But my husband needs to do the paperwork in his own time. There is no big rush - we can just send it off when it's done.

There was a bit of an "oh-o" moment when we were filling out the financial papers. It was looking as though we had barely any disposal income at one point. I thought our adoption plans were going to have to be halted then and there. But on closer examination; there is a little more money to work with than what we'd thought.

Still, we do lead a very modest life. Yet that is us. If we wanted a life that had more material possessions and things in it; then we'd be living a very different life and one that wasn't us. I have had some big awarenesses around adoption - particularly around letting go of that desperation to have another baby. We cannot change our lives if we are true to ourselves to be any different. So we just are who we are. I am past trying to bend backwards to get another child in our lives. I think we have a great life - the three of us - which we have worked hard to set up. It cannot be changed to appeal more adoption-wise; it just is what it is.

I am working the maximum number of hours a week I am prepared to work with a child on the autistic spectrum who may need to be pulled out of school from time to time. We have a mortgage that requires one full-time and one part-time income. We made a committment to this house which we all love but financially we cannot take a drop in income. This has meant I've had to think very carefully about how another baby would fit into our lives. I need to investigate further; but at this point it is looking as though either I or my husband could take paternity leave for a few months but our potential adopted baby might go into childcare around six months old for a few mornings a week so I could work. Not ideal but this is our reality. We had to carry on with our lives and make the decision to buy a house with or without another child in the equation. It feels as though this is where we are all meant to be - in this house. Ultimately God will judge whether or not we are the right fit with a birth family out there.

There has been lots to think about in regards to open adoption. But I think even within my blog I might have to refrain from exposing those thoughts as I have been getting feedback which I'm not sure I feel comfortable with. I guess it is easy to forget that this blog is like an online journal. But really this is simply the place I write everything - and I mean everything I feel about SIF! But because we are looking at adopting in New Zealand and most of my readers are from other countries; I do think there are some differing views of what open adoption means. There are just under 4 million people in New Zealand. It's a small country where the degrees of separation are very small. Apparently in one closed adoption years ago the adopted child ended up living next to it's birth family!

All in all, I'm okay with open adoption and wouldn't proceed with adoption if it didn't feel right for us. We - my husband and I - are just getting our heads around it. It is probably a very private process between the two of us that I perhaps should edit a bit more. All I'm saying is people have opinions - which they are entitled too when you are writing openly in cyberspace - but I'm a little vulnerable around the adoption process right now so need to be careful how much I reveal even here.

I had a phone-call from the SIF woman in my IF group last night. We are going to meet for coffee next week. Finally! - after all these years I have someone to talk to about SIF. Ironically, I feel as though I am going through a phase of not wanting to talk about it much! I am craving peace and serenity right now and the best way to do that for me is to have lots of quiet time with myself and God. Still, it seems God has put this woman in my path alongside the one who has adopted/fostered locally as women who have moved past SIF and are either investigating alternate options or have come out on the other side of it all. It feels as though God is giving me a gentle push (that sometimes feels like a shove!!) to keep going with it all - as in, to keep moving forward with the adoption process. So that's what I am doing.