I seem to be emerging out of the intense grief I have been in for the last three or so weeks. It could even be a month, I really don't know. I guess I pretty much got myself out of the place I had been on the verge of wallowing in, simply because I was sick of being there! Mother's Day just gone I spent the day in a lot of self-pity. Then I turned things round and allowed my husband and daughter to buy me some plants for our new house. Up to that point; I wasn't feeling like such of a mother and just wanted to forget the whole day.
But celebrating it, even on a small scale helped shift things for me. I picked out a planted pink rose that sits in the kitchen that reminds me everyday of motherhood - what I have - and more than that - what is (as opposed to what isn't).
Also on Mother's Day I started to fill out the adoption papers that we need to send off to kick-start the adoption process again. Interestingly, I had filled out more of those than I thought when we stopped proceedings.
I am in an interesting place in regards to adoption. I am questioning if it is the right thing for me - and for us as a family. In this country, New Zealand, open adoption is encouraged. It is not compulsory but it is pretty much stated that if you choose a closed adoption; your chances of being picked by a birth family are minimised.
I can see the benefits for the adopted child in having an open adoption - which by the way, can be as simple as the child just knowing they are adopted and what their birth parents names are. Or it can be at the other extreme where the birth parent/s come round for home visits and really are like an extension to the family. I'm all for it as I have a good friend who is an adopted adult child who has recently sought her birth family after growing up with a closed adoption. I do know the problems a closed adoption can bring. It makes lots of sense to me to have an open adoption and I think it's great all those involved in the adoption triad are given the opportunity to know each other as much as they care to.
However, as a Mum of a biological cbild, I am grappling with "sharing" a child as such with another family. Our little family leads quite a quiet little life, all in all. We are not overly social - we are all quite happy just hanging at home with the odd visitor here and there. At this point in time I cannot imagine a birth family in our lives. Our families all live outside of the town we are living in - we barely see them!
When I caught up with the woman who has adopted/fostered locally recently she said she didn't like the thought of open adoption either. But when she met the birth Mum; a connection was formed and it all kind of fell into place. Other adoptive parents on the panel at the Education and Preparation programme we did last year echoed the same thing - that there is a kind of natural chemistry between the adopted and birth families - at the end of the day, everyone just wants what is best for the child and contact is naturally established.
In letting go of what isn't (going to be) - another biological child - I've had to let go of that somewhat selfish desire to have another child for my own needs. Adoption is so very different. It is about putting the child first - and possibly taking on board another family in an open adoption.
We went to a fifth birthday party last weekend - for the daughter of the adult adopted friend of mine. Her sister is her Mum's biological child. So, if an adoption worked out for us - that could be our family years from now - one adopted sister and one biological sister at a birthday party. The only difference was, in an open adoption the adopted child's birth parent/s could be there - plus possibly the extended family connected to the birth family. As we learnt on our adoption course; there are grandparents, Aunts and Uncles that are connected to the adopted child that may want to be part of the adopted child's life too.
It is all a bit mind-blowing. I'm just taking it all one day at a time. We will continue with the adoption process but may find that at some point it isn't for us. I'm okay with that too. I know God will guide us and we'll know if it is the right thing for us or not.
I am in a space of adjusting to life as it stands today. My daughter is settling into school and I'm trying my best to adjust - to adapt to life as a Mum of a school-child. I am giving myself the space I need - time to just "be" at home in the silence to allow myself to accept this new phase. I think I am getting there. It is very much like adjusting to being single after a relationship break-up. It is taking me a little while to get used to my own company again. I do enjoy quiet times to myself, don't get me wrong, but I am adapting to life at home without a child around at some points in the day/week - especially when I had thought and hoped for so long that there would be a baby or toddler following me around the house when my daughter was at school.
I bought a book when I was in Wellington called Mind Over Menopause. It was an act of self-acceptance buying that book and I have been reading it every night. It's all about managing menopausal symptoms without HRT - basically using self-care and stress management. It's just what I needed as far as information goes. I'm finding I am having to simplify life as much as possible. I am slowing down, and having early nights and it seems to be helping. I am a menopausal woman with one child. I am slowly starting to fit into my skin again after fighting where I was in life for so long.
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