Anchor Me

For some reason a New Zealand classic song: Anchor Me has been rocking around in my head today. It isn't a song I particularly like, even. But the lyrics seem appropriate right now as I pray to and beg God to help me through this rough post-SIF stage. The stage of accepting that all the hopes and dreams of the last three and a half years are gone - another biological child is not going to happen for us.

Anchor Me by Don McGlashan

Full fathom five
Someday I'll lie
Singing songs that come
From dead men's tongues
Anchor me, anchor me
As the compass turns
And the glass it falls
Where the storm clouds roll
And the gulls they call

Anchor me, anchor me, anchor me
Anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, anchor me
Anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, anchor me
Anchor me, anchor me

Let the salt spray lash
The shivering skin
Where the green waves crash
And the whirlpools spin
Anchor me, anchor me, anchor me

Anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, anchor me
Anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, anchor me
Anchor me

Where the Banshees cry
And the bells they sound
When you lift me high
When you pull me down
When you pull me down
When you pull me down

Anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, anchor me
Anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, anchor me
Anchor me, anchor me
Anchor me, anchor me
In the middle of your deep blue sea, your deep blue sea
In the middle of your deep blue sea, your deep blue sea
Anchor me, anchor me
Anchor me
Anchor me
Anchor me

I have also been thinking of The Three A's lately - awareness, acceptance and action. (from recovery). I've had the awareness for quite some time that conception was very, very unlikely for us. But I couldn't start accepting it until I got an actual diagnosis - heard it from the horse's mouth as such. Giving myself some time to grieve is helping with my acceptance though I think there are many more tears to come. Restarting the adoption process while moving through this grief is my action step - I am letting go of what has been and into a new phase.

I have really been reaching out this week outside of the comfort of my SIF cyber-friends. It has been hard and very humbling but I had to do it - need to do it - to get through this intense grief. I feel I would either go insane or end up on antidepressants again if I had to do this on my own without any outside support. So, I have created a support network of people I think can help me. They are all friends I trust - who care for me a lot. I even sent one friend this link about How To Support A Friend with Secondary Infertility to get my point across. I've had to get over people perhaps not getting SIF and have just been asking them to be there as best as they can.

I popped into work today (as I am officially off work this week being the second week of the school hols) and ended up having a one and a half hour chat with someone from the IF support group I started. It was good to be able to share honestly with her around things. I also phoned a friend in recovery today in tears. My grief this week has consumed me and made it hard to do much. This has been very hard on my daughter. But I'm trying to give myself a bit of slack and to see that I am doing the best that I can. I have tried to keep her school holidays as interesting as possible but some days I haven't been able to do much at all.