Life after SIF

The time and space I've allowed myself of late to heal from SIF is paying off. Big-time. I feel the shift happening within that I feel like I have waited for forever - the place where SIF feels as though it is something I went through, rather than something I am going through. And it feels great.

I have been working the twelve steps through-out my journey and am finally there - at Step Twelve: Having had a spirtual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I do feel as though I have had a spiritual awakening of sorts over the last week or so. Somehow the willingness to move on from SIF, giving myself the space I needed to heal from SIF, talking on the radio and to the local paper about the infertility support group I started, and checking in less to Dailystrength - all these things have equated to a lightness, an acceptance and a genuine release of all that has been.

I'm not saying I won't have my days anymore around bumps and completed families - nope, I'm still having to apply self-preservation there. But the difference is, I am not burdened by SIF. It no longer defines me. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of those who have followed my journey will recall that I wanted to write a book about SIF - with the same title as my blog. But it's never been the right time until now - because I really needed to have moved on from SIF to have the perspective I needed to write such a book. I am ready. I think it will be incredibly healing to write about my SIF journey - it will be based on this blog (as I do have two and a half years of material!) I've said it before - but I want to write such a book - basically my story with SIF - because there are hardly any books out there about SIF. I want to write it in a real way - about the emotional side of it - the roller-coaster ride. Also I think it is important that my book doesn't have a happy ending as in - we get picked by a birth family and life is fine. I want to end the book where I am now - in this place of moving on from SIF and been open to whatever outcome comes our way - maybe we will be picked by a birth family - or maybe not. The desperate place I was in for so long wouldn't have been a good place to write a book from - that would never work as it wouldn't offer a lot of hope to the women who follow me with SIF. I have no problems revealing my own highs and lows - but I needed to be content within the aftermath of SIF before writing about it.

So I am in the process of tidying up our third bedroom which is also known as "my office' - which is my place to write. After the school holidays (which start in two weeks time), I will have 9 - 3pm free twice a week, as my daughter will be going to school almost fulltime. So as well as starting my SIF book; I would also like to do a bit of freelance writing to generate some extra income - it's something I was just getting into but shut up shop when SIF took over my life.

I guess the biggest change of all is I now feel complete. I am a different person in some respects because of SIF - but I am feeling different in a positive way - not a damaged way. I felt so damaged for so long - it wasn't a nice place to be.

Next week my article will be published in the local paper about the IF support group I started and our adoption hopes will probably be mentioned. Therefore I think it is time to tell our daughter what our hopes are too and I think this weekend will be a good time to do it. Our paperwork for the next stage of the process was received by Adoption Services last week so we are just waiting to hear when our appointment will be with our assigned social worker. I do have this amazing sense of peace that I will be okay whatever happens - but that we are meant to go through the adoption process; wherever it leads us.

I wish peace and contentment to all my followers, wherever they might be in their IF or SIF journey's. There is life again after infertility - I guess we just all get there in our own way and time.