A lot to digest

I would say moving from Plan A to Plan B is big for many women when it comes to creating their families. Unless an alternative way to add to one's family was worked out before trying for a biological child; I cannot see how anyone in this position wouldn't be faced with a huge amount of emotional garbage to work through.

Yet, this is not often a stage that is supported or even talked about much within even the SIF communities. For starters - it is still rare to find women who actually cannot conceive again ever. My experience over the last almost three years of being part of an online community is that eventually, most women do conceive. It really is such a different kettle of fish when a woman is either given a diagnosis or a reason for SIF as opposed to just taking a lot longer to conceive and maybe needing some intervention to get pregnant. I most certainly do think the women who eventually get pregnant with a biological child and have to endure years of SIF have been through their own hell. I do think that - one hundred percent. But they don't have to go on to reconcil a loss of a dream like the women who cannot conceive again do.

I am surprised by the lack of support both online and professionally around women moving on to add to their families through an alternate method. Moving through the adoption process, I have felt pressured to be healed from SIF, even though going through the process has triggered me relentlessly and has caused me to have to face the cold, hard facts: another biological child isn't coming our way.

Because we are opting for open adoption, which also comes with some pressure by the way, we are forced to accept the fact that our potential adopted child will have another family who will be in it's life. How frequently and what that contact will look will be determined by ourselves and a birth family - if we are picked. But my husband and I both feel at this point that open adoption feels like long-term fostering. We understand and agree with many of the reasons for encouraging and setting up an open adoption - but those decisions mean letting go of some elements of parenting a child that is biologically yours or a child that is exclusively yours. It is not an easy thing to get your head around. It hasn't been for me, anyway.

I have been reading through the notes we were given last year around adoption. They are pretty sobering - all the facts and figures around the issues an adopted child may have. There have been times over the last week or two where I've questioned if adoption is the right thing for us. But I guess only God in the end can and will decide if it is the right path for us.

I've also had to accept that adoption will be with us as a family for life. It is not like the old days when the baby was passed over and that was that - life just carried on - until the adopted child perhaps got curious about it's birth family. But with open adoption everyone in the adoption triad - birth family, prospective adoptive parents and adopted child come to the party with heartache. Sure, we are able to heal each other somewhat, but the cracks that are adoption will always be there. For all in the triad there will be times in life when adoption is more of a deal - and less of a deal. But it will always be part of us if it happens - part of our family. Our lives will be different to that of the average family with adoption in the equation. Some days it feels as if we will be taking on a lot.

We are still waiting for our official letter to say that we have been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Once that arrives then we can start putting our profile together. We should be in the pool by the end of October. I am tidying up a few loose ends at work "just in case". If I have to leave my job suddenly then I want everything to be sorted and ready for my replacement.

We have been considering adopting a dog! There is a huge gap in our family and I think a dog would be good for all of us. So we will see what happens. I don't want to rush out and get a band-aid dog so have been sitting on the fence about this one.

An intruder came into our home on Saturday afternoon when we were all home. It was a young guy on drugs. The police came fast and took him away which was good. We are all a bit freaked but it has helped me get SIF/the adoption process in perspective. There was also a major earthquake here in New Zealand this weekend just five hours from us. No-one was killed but there was lots of damage. Life feels a bit vulernable right now. More than ever I want to enjoy what I have - and to live for the day.