Moving On

I've kept in close contact with the God of my understanding over the past week. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life and will do whatever it takes to get there. I have finally started to let go of whether or not we will become parents for the second time. In fact, I am acting as if we will remain a family of three and am just being open to what might come our way in place of this long-wanted dream.

As painful as it is to hold on to a lost dream - it is also painful to let go. So it hasn't been an easy decision to make but something I need to do for my own sanity and well-being. So I have been praying to God daily, in particular using The Serenity Prayer and the first three of the twelve steps; to find some peace in my life again - as in long-lasting peace - not the scraps of peace I have lived with for so long.

I have been amazed that by just having the willingness to let go of this dream I had for so long - to have another biological child - that I have found a new sense of freedom. I got some results back earlier this week from my Dr that unofficially I am in fact in early menopause. I can't officially have a diagnosis until I've had no periods for a year. But my FSH levels were at 97 - the highest they have ever been and the other blood tests confirmed hormonally I am in fact post-menopausal. Which is in fact how I feel - as if I have been through menopause - not that I am going through it. My Dr recommended I have a bone density test within the year since women going through early menopause are at higher risk of oestoporosis.

Admittedly at first I had a lot of anger after my Dr's phone-call. In my heart I believe I have POF - premature ovarian diagnosis - which is basically early menopause for under 40s. But the specialists along the way have been so slack at monitoring my hormonal levels that I've never been diagnosed with POF. For a couple of days I was angry with all the specialists I have seen over the last almost four years who haven't picked up that I have POF. I believe this could have been figured out over three years ago when my cycles were obviously erratic and ovulation wasn't a regular occurence. I researched heaps on the internet and self-diagnosed myself a long time ago. I just wanted to be told from a medical professional what was going on. Even though I unofficially have a diagnosis - I do feel pissed off that I never had a diplomatic consult around it where I was seated down with a man or woman in a white coat who gently told me I had POF and I would therefore never be able to conceive again. I guess that was my fantasy way of receiving unbearable news! Instead I've had to piece my history together alone, mostly unsupported all this time. It has been very hard.

But, as I turn a corner and start to truly let go of all the pain that has been for the last almost four years; I find I cannot be angry or resentful or jealous anymore. I have been consumed with those feelings for years and I am well sick of feeling that way. So I'm finding a new way to live with my fate - which wasn't the path I wanted to do down - but it is the one I am on - so I'm choosing to accept it as best as I can.

I have been thinking of how much time and energy I have spent trying to get by and get through SIF/post-SIF and recently, the adoption process. Well I've had enough! I want my life back and the only way I know how to do that is by letting go.

We still haven't received the official letter that we are in the prospective adoptive parents pool even though we were unoffically told three weeks ago that we had been accepted. I'm done with waiting for things to happen. I will just look forward to getting our profile done in the near future so we can be done and dusted with the whole adoption process.

As I've opened my heart up of late I've found some of the Mums of Two, or Three or more have come back into my life again. I have seen four of the Mums from my antenatal class around over the last few weeks. I was the one who used to organise our coffee group but stopped once our children started Kindy and in particular - when the majority had their second children and I no longer felt comfortable around them. Yet they have reappeared in my life lately - at the gym and some are taking their girls to the same ballet class I started my daughter in yesterday. And it has been good to see them again. On some level I have missed having a group of mothers to connect with. I have friends who are Mums that I see individually. But as my daughter has gotten older, I have lost the network of mothers I had when she was under three.

I never did make it across the road to see the Mum of Three - whose baby is now three months old. But I see her around as our daughters are at the same school. She also wants to start her daughter in ballet. I told her I could always take her daughter as well to ballet as she was worried about having to look after her two other children while ballet was on. I meant it when I said it and it was a genuine offer. Perhaps I am ready to mingle amongst the Mums of Many again. Never did I think I would see the day!

This afternoon I watched my daughter perform in an outdoor dance display with all of the junior school. I was sandwiched between several Mums of Two I know, who were bouncing babies on their knees. I guess it will be some time before moments like that don't hurt. But I am sick of hiding and isolating; and perhaps part of leaving behind SIF means facing situations like this head on. I had a little hold of one of the babies while one of the Mums took photos of one of her other children in the concert. It was a bittersweet moment for me.

I feel as though I need to go underground somewhat - to perhaps disconnect a little from the internet and talking about SIF and adoption. I will be around of course - but in order to move on I have to let go a bit more of my online support groups. I have said this before and still end up blogging most weeks! But over the years my frequency online has slowly lessened. There was a time when I was online several times a day as I found it so hard to live with all my pain and grief. I'm at a point where I think daily contact isn't good for me. It isn't easy to change a lifestyle and for so long my lifestyle has been living and breathing SIF. But that isn't who I am anymore. I am moving to greener pastures - (I hope!) - I just have to make the time and space to get there instead of holding myself back my talking about what might have been and what I wished I had. There is only so long I can flog a dead horse!

I cannot change the past and the fact I am one hundred percent infertile. There is nothing I can do about it. I've been through some big things in my life pre-SIF and I survived. I know I will survive SIF as well. I want to live my life as fully and as joyfully as possible. If I have to do this without the second child of my dreams; then I will be okay.