And I still care. - still care and want that original dream to work out. Still want, carve and grieve the loss of the biological child that never came. Somehow Christmas makes the whole thing seem a whole lot worse. It is hard to see others - even others who well and truly deserve that much-wanted second child; get their Christmas bundles. When I revealed to some that we were close to going into the pool for prospective adoptive parents it was too easy and obvious that some would exclaim that we might get a baby for Christmas. I understand that friends are only looking out for us when they make comments like that. Yet the cold stark reality of adoption, and of SIF; is that miracles don't always happen. Yes, we are in the pool now. But there are no birth families looking to adopt out babies right now in our region. It will be another Christmas without a baby in my arms. I cannot pretend that that desire to hold and love another child isn't there. The tears are there this Christmas just like they were four years ago.
Our social worker went on holiday yesterday and isn't back til January 5th. She gave me some more feedback for our second draft of our profile and I've made the suggested changes and then my husband printed it out at his work today so it is ready to drop in to Adoption Services within the week. We still have a small amount of paperwork to do next year when our social worker gets back. So we've done just about everything entailed in the adoption process except for filling out two bits of paperwork. It would have been nice to have it all tidied up for 2010 but I guess things are just working out the way they are meant to - this whole thing has been dragged into 2011.
I feel as though I have been triggered on the SIF front in several ways this week - not just with the whole Christmas thing going on and that being a reminder of broken dreams - but also a few comments this week from my daughter about her "sister or brother" - she still has hope and talks freely about her sibling as if one is really coming - it breaks my heart on the days when adoption doesn't feel very hopeful. One of my daughter's caseworkers who hasn't been in touch for a year asked if another one had come along this week. I brushed that comment off with a "Not yet. Well you never know..." and wanted to kick myself for saying so. But I just couldn't do it - couldn't reveal my SIF as it has been many months since I've had to disclose my SIF to anyone. If feels as though it has gone back to being my dirty little secret as it was for a while before I starting blogging/forming a support group and joining online groups.
We have a steady stream of visitors coming through from this Saturday til January 8th so I guess my focus will soon be changed around SIF. Not that I have purposefully being dwelling as I have been very busy with work and ASD issues at my daughter's school - I've barely been able to keep up with my life. Yet I feel the heartache of SIF lingering in the background. The fear that our last shot at parenthood for the second time might not happen is right up there right now. I don't feel so blase about the outcome right now. I want it to work out. (adoption). I'm also aware of how much more waiting we have to do - another two years of building our lives quite significantly around the unknown. For the next two years we will have to consider plans carefully in case a baby does come into the picture. I resent living in limbo yet I have made the choice to do so as I cannot at this point let go of this dream.
I know I am overtired and stressed at the moment. My daughter is home sick as she has a stomach bug and I am meant to be work. I have been juggling motherhood and work for several works now as I've been working more in order to meet deadlines. It has made me grumpy as normally I have the work-life balance thing sorted with working 12 hours a week but when it is closer to 20 hours a week; I get exhausted.
I guess the one big thing I have done this week around SIF is I have declared it to be my last week with Dailystrength (til Saturday). I joined three years ago and it is time to move on. So guess I am making progress with all this. It's just at times like this, when the SIF grief feels big and I have to apply a lot of self-preservation and keep my distance from families of many; I wonder if I will ever not have this inner-ache that I feel like I have lived with for way too long. I so desperately want my life to be about other things - to move past all this. But it seems SIF runs so deep that there are times in my life - probably always will be - when it surfaces and takes over.
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