I've had a good week. I made a decision to let go of the whole SIF deal recently - to start moving on from it and that decision has paid off. I have changed a few things in my week such as only turning on my computer twice a week and therefore only logging into Dailystrength once or twice a week. I've had two whole weekends without turning the computer on and although it was a challenge initially (as it has been a habit for so long; particularly logging into Dailystrength); I pushed through and got past it. I even enjoyed myself these last two weekends - more than I have for a long time without feeling the burden of SIF.
There have been painful moments over the last few weeks. The grief of not being able to have another biological child comes up frequently - and the uncertainty as to whether we will become adoptive parents can linger. But whenever my pain or fears come up, I pray to God - I hand it back to him and even visualise myself kissing my newborn swathed in a white blanket before handing my baby back to God. Sometimes I do this several times a day.
We got a letter last week saying that we have officially been accepted as prospective adoptive parents! Finally! It good news but I am totally handing the outcome over to God. All we can do is complete our profile, submit it and then the rest is up to God. And I feel okay with that. For four long years I prayed and prayed that a baby would come our way. I just can't live like that anymore. Life has to carry on as it exists today - and if an adopted baby comes our way - it will be amazing. But in the meantime I no longer want to live a life that feels incomplete. I want me and I want my family to heal from this horrendous SIF chapter we've been through.
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and some healing has been going on. For so long I was disappointed that those close to me never got SIF. I tried so hard to get friends and family to understand. But they didn't. They couldn't. Today I accept that. The healing I continue to need to do to keep moving on from SIF is between myself and God and nobody else. The pain is actually subsiding. I believe I held on tightly to the pain and grief of SIF for so long because I thought if I didn't no one would get just how much I wanted another biological child - and how hurt I was that it didn't happen. But I don't need to live in my grief anymore. I can be happy in spite of living with a lost dream.
There have been some moments over the last week or so when I could have piped up about SIF but didn't. My daughter likes playing in the playground after school and often it is the same Mums in the playground each day. So there is the usual chit-chat. I've listened to Mums of Three (MOTH) exchanging sibling stories. One MOTH told me the honeymoon was over with her third child who is now three months old. If only she knew, I thought to myself. But I didn't bring up SIF. I know she and probably all the school Mums assume I only ever wanted one child. In some ways I wish I could wear a badge that said "I wanted more children but can't have them". In other ways, I know I have to stop painting myself as a victim of secondary infertility if I want to keep moving forward. So I listen to these Mums and remain silent, while handing my baby wrapped in a white cloth back to God. If ever it seemed appropriate and relevant I would bring up SIF. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand, even though I feel triggered.
As a result of me turning on my computer less I have been much more present as a Mum - and as a wife. We had some great family moments this weekend - swimming at the pool together, scrabble, bingo and riding our bikes up and down the driveway. My daughter had a ball having so much fun with her parents. I never want her to feel like she wasn't enough for me - like the child who is left behind when a sibling dies. I think there is some very important family healing going on right now.
We are going on holiday for a week this Thursday - to Wellington, my hometown. So I will leave starting our profile for the prospective adoptive parents pool until we get back. I have to say I have been saddened by some of the reactions from family around our latest adoption news - it all becoming official. My Mum isn't excited at all and said she wondered how our daughter would cope with that (if we got an adopted child). In the next breath she talked about two of her friends whose daughters had their second children last week. Their news is exciting but mine isn't. That hurts. I have a sinking feeling that if we get picked as adoptive parents, it might take a while for some of my family to warm to the idea. I am realistic. I know that if it happens, some SIF grief will undoubedtly resurface. I can only but imagine that being picked as adoptive parents would be a bittersweet moment - mainly joyous, I'm sure - but family reactions for example will no doubt dampen things. I guess I can mentally prepare myself somewhat for the kind of reaction I expect we'll get.
For now I will keep focusing on me and my family as it stands today. I am starting to trust God again, even if He doesn't deliver every dream that I want. Life can be good again. I will recover from this disappointment. I know three women who have become widows this year - one is in her late 40s and one in her early 50s. All three women nursed their sick husbands for months. How devastating. If they can survive a loss like that then can I not only survive - I can recover from SIF. I do feel blessed in many areas of my life. I think of all the women in my IF support group who have no children. I've had five and a half years of motherhood. I'm very lucky. I heard these lyrics to a song recently: Today the sky is blue. Today no-one is crying. Seems very apt for where I'm at. I'm seeing the cup as half-full again.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Acceptance
Wow the last week has been an interesting one. I made a decision to really make an effort to move on from SIF/the adoption process/the last four years a week or so ago. It was a hard decision to make on some level as I felt as though by letting go of my pain and grief around having another child - I was showing myself and the world that I had moved on. But I needed to start moving on as four years was too long to live in limbo. Way too long. We still haven't received a confirmation letter from Adoption Services saying we are officially in the pool for prospective adoptive parents even though we got the unofficial ok four weeks ago. Obviously adoption could happen for us but I'm at a point where I have to live my life as it stands today - with or without another child. So I truly am in a phase of moving on and letting go of a desire, a dream that I have lived and breathed for four years.
It hasn't been easy logging into Dailystrength in particular a little less. But at the same time, I know I have outgrown the SIF support group there. I have a handful of friends that I cherish and will continue to keep in contact with. However it seems right now I do need to focus on me and give myself the time and space to heal.
I have been talking and praying to God a lot. Begging almost to be freed from the pain and grief that has almost defined me for so long. By sitting in my pain and not expecting others to take it away; I have somehow been slowly moving through it. It has taken me a long time to accept that my husband, family of origin and close friends cannot help me heal from SIF. Sure, contact with women who have been there helps - mainly through my online friends. But at the end of the day, it is God and only God who can heal me.
I've had some cringe-worthy SIF moments over the last week or so. Casual accouncements of second children being born - that kind of thing. My daughter continues to ask about a sibling regularly. It is hard. Especially because she's interested in the birds and the bees and now knows my eggs "don't work."
We had a parent-teacher interview this week and it went mainly well but when we had an appointment with the special needs coordinator a reference was made to how my daughter is my one and only while I was indirectly labelled as an anxious and over-protective Mum - of a child with high-functioning autism. I was angry about this perception of myself for days - and still am - but can't do much about it. It annoys me that just because I am a Mum of One I am seen in a certain light. I know Mums of many with autistic kids who would act exactly as I do...
I have actually been journalling privately off-line the old-fashioned way with pen and paper which has been good over the last week. I have journalled for years and stopped doing so when I started this blog almost three years ago. It feels good to get back into journalling just for me again. I have had some awarenesses come up over the last week as a result of giving myself some time and space to heal - a realisation just how deep the wounds still are at having lived with alcoholism in my family of origin and how there is still some hurt around my family splitting through divorce, even though I was twenty-five at the time. I know that I part of my desire for a second child was about recreating my childhood family. I cannot expect an adopted child to heal my childhood and SIF wounds. That really is quite unfair. I also have a lot of remorse for all the absent emotional times I've had with my daughter as a parent going through SIF. That makes me so very sad. But I'm trying to make it up to my daughter - and myself - by being more present in her life now. I know I was the best mother I could be throughout my SIF experience but she didn't deserve to be affected by my pain and grief. I guess it is something we can talk about when she is older.
There is a lot to face and accept as I move on. I feel relieved to finally be moving out of this painful chapter in my life. I'm ready. It is like saying goodbye to the secondary infertility world I have created over the last few years. I'm not sure what will replace this gap that exists as I let go of this chapter - but I know that God will continue to guide me to the next thing.
It hasn't been easy logging into Dailystrength in particular a little less. But at the same time, I know I have outgrown the SIF support group there. I have a handful of friends that I cherish and will continue to keep in contact with. However it seems right now I do need to focus on me and give myself the time and space to heal.
I have been talking and praying to God a lot. Begging almost to be freed from the pain and grief that has almost defined me for so long. By sitting in my pain and not expecting others to take it away; I have somehow been slowly moving through it. It has taken me a long time to accept that my husband, family of origin and close friends cannot help me heal from SIF. Sure, contact with women who have been there helps - mainly through my online friends. But at the end of the day, it is God and only God who can heal me.
I've had some cringe-worthy SIF moments over the last week or so. Casual accouncements of second children being born - that kind of thing. My daughter continues to ask about a sibling regularly. It is hard. Especially because she's interested in the birds and the bees and now knows my eggs "don't work."
We had a parent-teacher interview this week and it went mainly well but when we had an appointment with the special needs coordinator a reference was made to how my daughter is my one and only while I was indirectly labelled as an anxious and over-protective Mum - of a child with high-functioning autism. I was angry about this perception of myself for days - and still am - but can't do much about it. It annoys me that just because I am a Mum of One I am seen in a certain light. I know Mums of many with autistic kids who would act exactly as I do...
I have actually been journalling privately off-line the old-fashioned way with pen and paper which has been good over the last week. I have journalled for years and stopped doing so when I started this blog almost three years ago. It feels good to get back into journalling just for me again. I have had some awarenesses come up over the last week as a result of giving myself some time and space to heal - a realisation just how deep the wounds still are at having lived with alcoholism in my family of origin and how there is still some hurt around my family splitting through divorce, even though I was twenty-five at the time. I know that I part of my desire for a second child was about recreating my childhood family. I cannot expect an adopted child to heal my childhood and SIF wounds. That really is quite unfair. I also have a lot of remorse for all the absent emotional times I've had with my daughter as a parent going through SIF. That makes me so very sad. But I'm trying to make it up to my daughter - and myself - by being more present in her life now. I know I was the best mother I could be throughout my SIF experience but she didn't deserve to be affected by my pain and grief. I guess it is something we can talk about when she is older.
There is a lot to face and accept as I move on. I feel relieved to finally be moving out of this painful chapter in my life. I'm ready. It is like saying goodbye to the secondary infertility world I have created over the last few years. I'm not sure what will replace this gap that exists as I let go of this chapter - but I know that God will continue to guide me to the next thing.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Moving On
I've kept in close contact with the God of my understanding over the past week. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life and will do whatever it takes to get there. I have finally started to let go of whether or not we will become parents for the second time. In fact, I am acting as if we will remain a family of three and am just being open to what might come our way in place of this long-wanted dream.
As painful as it is to hold on to a lost dream - it is also painful to let go. So it hasn't been an easy decision to make but something I need to do for my own sanity and well-being. So I have been praying to God daily, in particular using The Serenity Prayer and the first three of the twelve steps; to find some peace in my life again - as in long-lasting peace - not the scraps of peace I have lived with for so long.
I have been amazed that by just having the willingness to let go of this dream I had for so long - to have another biological child - that I have found a new sense of freedom. I got some results back earlier this week from my Dr that unofficially I am in fact in early menopause. I can't officially have a diagnosis until I've had no periods for a year. But my FSH levels were at 97 - the highest they have ever been and the other blood tests confirmed hormonally I am in fact post-menopausal. Which is in fact how I feel - as if I have been through menopause - not that I am going through it. My Dr recommended I have a bone density test within the year since women going through early menopause are at higher risk of oestoporosis.
Admittedly at first I had a lot of anger after my Dr's phone-call. In my heart I believe I have POF - premature ovarian diagnosis - which is basically early menopause for under 40s. But the specialists along the way have been so slack at monitoring my hormonal levels that I've never been diagnosed with POF. For a couple of days I was angry with all the specialists I have seen over the last almost four years who haven't picked up that I have POF. I believe this could have been figured out over three years ago when my cycles were obviously erratic and ovulation wasn't a regular occurence. I researched heaps on the internet and self-diagnosed myself a long time ago. I just wanted to be told from a medical professional what was going on. Even though I unofficially have a diagnosis - I do feel pissed off that I never had a diplomatic consult around it where I was seated down with a man or woman in a white coat who gently told me I had POF and I would therefore never be able to conceive again. I guess that was my fantasy way of receiving unbearable news! Instead I've had to piece my history together alone, mostly unsupported all this time. It has been very hard.
But, as I turn a corner and start to truly let go of all the pain that has been for the last almost four years; I find I cannot be angry or resentful or jealous anymore. I have been consumed with those feelings for years and I am well sick of feeling that way. So I'm finding a new way to live with my fate - which wasn't the path I wanted to do down - but it is the one I am on - so I'm choosing to accept it as best as I can.
I have been thinking of how much time and energy I have spent trying to get by and get through SIF/post-SIF and recently, the adoption process. Well I've had enough! I want my life back and the only way I know how to do that is by letting go.
We still haven't received the official letter that we are in the prospective adoptive parents pool even though we were unoffically told three weeks ago that we had been accepted. I'm done with waiting for things to happen. I will just look forward to getting our profile done in the near future so we can be done and dusted with the whole adoption process.
As I've opened my heart up of late I've found some of the Mums of Two, or Three or more have come back into my life again. I have seen four of the Mums from my antenatal class around over the last few weeks. I was the one who used to organise our coffee group but stopped once our children started Kindy and in particular - when the majority had their second children and I no longer felt comfortable around them. Yet they have reappeared in my life lately - at the gym and some are taking their girls to the same ballet class I started my daughter in yesterday. And it has been good to see them again. On some level I have missed having a group of mothers to connect with. I have friends who are Mums that I see individually. But as my daughter has gotten older, I have lost the network of mothers I had when she was under three.
I never did make it across the road to see the Mum of Three - whose baby is now three months old. But I see her around as our daughters are at the same school. She also wants to start her daughter in ballet. I told her I could always take her daughter as well to ballet as she was worried about having to look after her two other children while ballet was on. I meant it when I said it and it was a genuine offer. Perhaps I am ready to mingle amongst the Mums of Many again. Never did I think I would see the day!
This afternoon I watched my daughter perform in an outdoor dance display with all of the junior school. I was sandwiched between several Mums of Two I know, who were bouncing babies on their knees. I guess it will be some time before moments like that don't hurt. But I am sick of hiding and isolating; and perhaps part of leaving behind SIF means facing situations like this head on. I had a little hold of one of the babies while one of the Mums took photos of one of her other children in the concert. It was a bittersweet moment for me.
I feel as though I need to go underground somewhat - to perhaps disconnect a little from the internet and talking about SIF and adoption. I will be around of course - but in order to move on I have to let go a bit more of my online support groups. I have said this before and still end up blogging most weeks! But over the years my frequency online has slowly lessened. There was a time when I was online several times a day as I found it so hard to live with all my pain and grief. I'm at a point where I think daily contact isn't good for me. It isn't easy to change a lifestyle and for so long my lifestyle has been living and breathing SIF. But that isn't who I am anymore. I am moving to greener pastures - (I hope!) - I just have to make the time and space to get there instead of holding myself back my talking about what might have been and what I wished I had. There is only so long I can flog a dead horse!
I cannot change the past and the fact I am one hundred percent infertile. There is nothing I can do about it. I've been through some big things in my life pre-SIF and I survived. I know I will survive SIF as well. I want to live my life as fully and as joyfully as possible. If I have to do this without the second child of my dreams; then I will be okay.
As painful as it is to hold on to a lost dream - it is also painful to let go. So it hasn't been an easy decision to make but something I need to do for my own sanity and well-being. So I have been praying to God daily, in particular using The Serenity Prayer and the first three of the twelve steps; to find some peace in my life again - as in long-lasting peace - not the scraps of peace I have lived with for so long.
I have been amazed that by just having the willingness to let go of this dream I had for so long - to have another biological child - that I have found a new sense of freedom. I got some results back earlier this week from my Dr that unofficially I am in fact in early menopause. I can't officially have a diagnosis until I've had no periods for a year. But my FSH levels were at 97 - the highest they have ever been and the other blood tests confirmed hormonally I am in fact post-menopausal. Which is in fact how I feel - as if I have been through menopause - not that I am going through it. My Dr recommended I have a bone density test within the year since women going through early menopause are at higher risk of oestoporosis.
Admittedly at first I had a lot of anger after my Dr's phone-call. In my heart I believe I have POF - premature ovarian diagnosis - which is basically early menopause for under 40s. But the specialists along the way have been so slack at monitoring my hormonal levels that I've never been diagnosed with POF. For a couple of days I was angry with all the specialists I have seen over the last almost four years who haven't picked up that I have POF. I believe this could have been figured out over three years ago when my cycles were obviously erratic and ovulation wasn't a regular occurence. I researched heaps on the internet and self-diagnosed myself a long time ago. I just wanted to be told from a medical professional what was going on. Even though I unofficially have a diagnosis - I do feel pissed off that I never had a diplomatic consult around it where I was seated down with a man or woman in a white coat who gently told me I had POF and I would therefore never be able to conceive again. I guess that was my fantasy way of receiving unbearable news! Instead I've had to piece my history together alone, mostly unsupported all this time. It has been very hard.
But, as I turn a corner and start to truly let go of all the pain that has been for the last almost four years; I find I cannot be angry or resentful or jealous anymore. I have been consumed with those feelings for years and I am well sick of feeling that way. So I'm finding a new way to live with my fate - which wasn't the path I wanted to do down - but it is the one I am on - so I'm choosing to accept it as best as I can.
I have been thinking of how much time and energy I have spent trying to get by and get through SIF/post-SIF and recently, the adoption process. Well I've had enough! I want my life back and the only way I know how to do that is by letting go.
We still haven't received the official letter that we are in the prospective adoptive parents pool even though we were unoffically told three weeks ago that we had been accepted. I'm done with waiting for things to happen. I will just look forward to getting our profile done in the near future so we can be done and dusted with the whole adoption process.
As I've opened my heart up of late I've found some of the Mums of Two, or Three or more have come back into my life again. I have seen four of the Mums from my antenatal class around over the last few weeks. I was the one who used to organise our coffee group but stopped once our children started Kindy and in particular - when the majority had their second children and I no longer felt comfortable around them. Yet they have reappeared in my life lately - at the gym and some are taking their girls to the same ballet class I started my daughter in yesterday. And it has been good to see them again. On some level I have missed having a group of mothers to connect with. I have friends who are Mums that I see individually. But as my daughter has gotten older, I have lost the network of mothers I had when she was under three.
I never did make it across the road to see the Mum of Three - whose baby is now three months old. But I see her around as our daughters are at the same school. She also wants to start her daughter in ballet. I told her I could always take her daughter as well to ballet as she was worried about having to look after her two other children while ballet was on. I meant it when I said it and it was a genuine offer. Perhaps I am ready to mingle amongst the Mums of Many again. Never did I think I would see the day!
This afternoon I watched my daughter perform in an outdoor dance display with all of the junior school. I was sandwiched between several Mums of Two I know, who were bouncing babies on their knees. I guess it will be some time before moments like that don't hurt. But I am sick of hiding and isolating; and perhaps part of leaving behind SIF means facing situations like this head on. I had a little hold of one of the babies while one of the Mums took photos of one of her other children in the concert. It was a bittersweet moment for me.
I feel as though I need to go underground somewhat - to perhaps disconnect a little from the internet and talking about SIF and adoption. I will be around of course - but in order to move on I have to let go a bit more of my online support groups. I have said this before and still end up blogging most weeks! But over the years my frequency online has slowly lessened. There was a time when I was online several times a day as I found it so hard to live with all my pain and grief. I'm at a point where I think daily contact isn't good for me. It isn't easy to change a lifestyle and for so long my lifestyle has been living and breathing SIF. But that isn't who I am anymore. I am moving to greener pastures - (I hope!) - I just have to make the time and space to get there instead of holding myself back my talking about what might have been and what I wished I had. There is only so long I can flog a dead horse!
I cannot change the past and the fact I am one hundred percent infertile. There is nothing I can do about it. I've been through some big things in my life pre-SIF and I survived. I know I will survive SIF as well. I want to live my life as fully and as joyfully as possible. If I have to do this without the second child of my dreams; then I will be okay.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wasted Days
I think I am finally at the point where if God does not want me to become a mother for the second time; then so be it - I will find something else to do with my life. It has taken me a looooong time to get to this place, so I most certainly do not say this lightly! But I am ready - ready for the next thing if God has an alternative plan for me.
It has been over two weeks since we were told by our social worker that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I have been checking the letter box ever since waiting for the official letter to say we are in the pool so we can start putting our profile together.
I am so ready for the next step - to write our profile and to give it our best shot and just to leave the rest to God. I'm done with trying to make this happen in my life - have another child. It has been almost four years of it and I am burned out. I had coffee with a friend today and said to her this whole experience has been like surviving a huge earthquake except now I'm living with the aftershocks. It is going to take me a while to heal from SIF/the adoption process - little ripples - and sometimes big ripples of grief have come up as we've moved through the adoption process. But I do think once we are in the "pool"; then I will truly be able to start moving on and living life as it is today.
I really have had enough of pouring all my time and energy into adding to our family. It has felt like such a big waste of time. Sure, maybe we will get picked by a birth family and if that happens no doubt I will be saying it was all worth it. But at this point in time, the whole thing just feels pretty old.
I am aware of how there is a big gap in my life where another baby was meant to be. Now that I am letting go of that perhaps not happening for us; the gap is more obvious. I'm not sure what I am meant to fill it with if we remain a family of three. For a while now I've attempted to use my spare time - the time I had hoped would have been for raising our second child - for my creative pursuits. But I'm not there yet. I am still healing. I seem to need a lot of downtime and time to just "be." We talked a bit more seriously about getting a dog last week - but I'm not sure it's the right time. But a dog is a possibility. I do think it would help us a family to heal from SIF. I've been aware of how sugar has sneaked back into my diet over the last few months and how I have in affect been comfort-eating during the adoption process. So I'm on a sugar detox right now as the sugar has been affecting me in mind, body and soul.
I accept that for now I will feel a bit lost as we linger on the last step of the adoption process - waiting to get the green light so we can put our profile together. I'm just ready to surrender - to let God sort this one out. All I can do is live each day as it comes and apply as much self-care and self-love as I can.
I went to the Dr today about the swollen glands I've had for a few days and mentioned how I still don't have the " closure letter" I've been waiting for from the infertility specialist I saw over six months ago! I have called a few times over the last few months but the specialist I saw has left and I guess nobody else is in a hurry to write the letter in his place. So I said to my Dr today that it was obvious I was in early menopause - as I haven't had a period in seven months and have had several bouts of no periods for six months at a time and just said I wanted some medical evidence. So she sent me off for some blood tests and I will get the results next week. There is still a part of me that wants a medical confirmation that what has gone on over the last few years (POF/early menopause) isn't in my head!!
I bumped into a Mum of Two from my former antenatal class at the gym today. She asked about the IF group I started and I updated her around where we are at with the adoption process. I was honest around how difficult aspects of the process are. She listened. It was good to be honest with a Mum of Two that I have envied - and no doubt still do a bit.
I am trying to keep an open mind and trust in the God of my understanding. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Magic happens." I think magic does happen - but obviously dreams don't always come true or perhaps they end up looking quite different to what we might have hoped. I also saw a calendar in a shop yesterday that was all about having a Plan B! I'm opening my heart and mind to the next thing - whatever it is. Someone from my IF group phoned earlier today and commented that I sounded like I was finding peace around my situation. Perhaps I am. I do talk to God and my unborn child a lot these days - asking them to help me to move on if my family is in fact complete.
My daughter moved up a class two weeks ago. She now has two afternoons a week in a room with a couple of other kids with ASD. This has meant I no longer really need to pull her out of school when she is overloaded, though I will always keep her home for the odd mental health day here and there. Although my daughter has been at school for almost six months, I find I am still adjusting to being a Mum of a school-age child. I do still feel the empty-nest syndrome most weeks when I have my two days off a week. I miss her. I miss having my "baby" at home. Ironically my Dr today, another Mum of two, shed some tears when I mentioned my daughter had moved on from her new entrant class! (She said she was premenstrual!). My Dr's children are at the same school and are older and my Dr was just having a moment! I guess many Mums feel the apron-strings loosening every time their child or children move up a class or reach another milestone. So no wonder those of us who want more children and perhaps won't have any more struggle with letting our only-children go.
At this point in time I don't know what God's Will is for me. But I don't want to spend the next two years in the pool for prospective adoptive parents hoping and waiting. I want to go into that pool next month (if it happens by then) feeling as though we've done everything we could thinking what will be, will be. I'm tired of pushing for things to go my way only to get the cold shoulder from God! If God doesn't want this for me (another child); then so be it. I just keep praying that I will be set free from this standstill soon that I have been in for a very long time. I do have some creative dreams in the pipeline. But it seems I can't move on to the next thing - if it ends up being about focusing on some creative goals - until we are in the pool. So just a few more weeks hopefully of limbolandness. After that, I really want to close the door on SIF and the adoption process as much as we possibly can. My time here is almost done!!
It has been over two weeks since we were told by our social worker that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I have been checking the letter box ever since waiting for the official letter to say we are in the pool so we can start putting our profile together.
I am so ready for the next step - to write our profile and to give it our best shot and just to leave the rest to God. I'm done with trying to make this happen in my life - have another child. It has been almost four years of it and I am burned out. I had coffee with a friend today and said to her this whole experience has been like surviving a huge earthquake except now I'm living with the aftershocks. It is going to take me a while to heal from SIF/the adoption process - little ripples - and sometimes big ripples of grief have come up as we've moved through the adoption process. But I do think once we are in the "pool"; then I will truly be able to start moving on and living life as it is today.
I really have had enough of pouring all my time and energy into adding to our family. It has felt like such a big waste of time. Sure, maybe we will get picked by a birth family and if that happens no doubt I will be saying it was all worth it. But at this point in time, the whole thing just feels pretty old.
I am aware of how there is a big gap in my life where another baby was meant to be. Now that I am letting go of that perhaps not happening for us; the gap is more obvious. I'm not sure what I am meant to fill it with if we remain a family of three. For a while now I've attempted to use my spare time - the time I had hoped would have been for raising our second child - for my creative pursuits. But I'm not there yet. I am still healing. I seem to need a lot of downtime and time to just "be." We talked a bit more seriously about getting a dog last week - but I'm not sure it's the right time. But a dog is a possibility. I do think it would help us a family to heal from SIF. I've been aware of how sugar has sneaked back into my diet over the last few months and how I have in affect been comfort-eating during the adoption process. So I'm on a sugar detox right now as the sugar has been affecting me in mind, body and soul.
I accept that for now I will feel a bit lost as we linger on the last step of the adoption process - waiting to get the green light so we can put our profile together. I'm just ready to surrender - to let God sort this one out. All I can do is live each day as it comes and apply as much self-care and self-love as I can.
I went to the Dr today about the swollen glands I've had for a few days and mentioned how I still don't have the " closure letter" I've been waiting for from the infertility specialist I saw over six months ago! I have called a few times over the last few months but the specialist I saw has left and I guess nobody else is in a hurry to write the letter in his place. So I said to my Dr today that it was obvious I was in early menopause - as I haven't had a period in seven months and have had several bouts of no periods for six months at a time and just said I wanted some medical evidence. So she sent me off for some blood tests and I will get the results next week. There is still a part of me that wants a medical confirmation that what has gone on over the last few years (POF/early menopause) isn't in my head!!
I bumped into a Mum of Two from my former antenatal class at the gym today. She asked about the IF group I started and I updated her around where we are at with the adoption process. I was honest around how difficult aspects of the process are. She listened. It was good to be honest with a Mum of Two that I have envied - and no doubt still do a bit.
I am trying to keep an open mind and trust in the God of my understanding. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Magic happens." I think magic does happen - but obviously dreams don't always come true or perhaps they end up looking quite different to what we might have hoped. I also saw a calendar in a shop yesterday that was all about having a Plan B! I'm opening my heart and mind to the next thing - whatever it is. Someone from my IF group phoned earlier today and commented that I sounded like I was finding peace around my situation. Perhaps I am. I do talk to God and my unborn child a lot these days - asking them to help me to move on if my family is in fact complete.
My daughter moved up a class two weeks ago. She now has two afternoons a week in a room with a couple of other kids with ASD. This has meant I no longer really need to pull her out of school when she is overloaded, though I will always keep her home for the odd mental health day here and there. Although my daughter has been at school for almost six months, I find I am still adjusting to being a Mum of a school-age child. I do still feel the empty-nest syndrome most weeks when I have my two days off a week. I miss her. I miss having my "baby" at home. Ironically my Dr today, another Mum of two, shed some tears when I mentioned my daughter had moved on from her new entrant class! (She said she was premenstrual!). My Dr's children are at the same school and are older and my Dr was just having a moment! I guess many Mums feel the apron-strings loosening every time their child or children move up a class or reach another milestone. So no wonder those of us who want more children and perhaps won't have any more struggle with letting our only-children go.
At this point in time I don't know what God's Will is for me. But I don't want to spend the next two years in the pool for prospective adoptive parents hoping and waiting. I want to go into that pool next month (if it happens by then) feeling as though we've done everything we could thinking what will be, will be. I'm tired of pushing for things to go my way only to get the cold shoulder from God! If God doesn't want this for me (another child); then so be it. I just keep praying that I will be set free from this standstill soon that I have been in for a very long time. I do have some creative dreams in the pipeline. But it seems I can't move on to the next thing - if it ends up being about focusing on some creative goals - until we are in the pool. So just a few more weeks hopefully of limbolandness. After that, I really want to close the door on SIF and the adoption process as much as we possibly can. My time here is almost done!!
Monday, September 6, 2010
A lot to digest
I would say moving from Plan A to Plan B is big for many women when it comes to creating their families. Unless an alternative way to add to one's family was worked out before trying for a biological child; I cannot see how anyone in this position wouldn't be faced with a huge amount of emotional garbage to work through.
Yet, this is not often a stage that is supported or even talked about much within even the SIF communities. For starters - it is still rare to find women who actually cannot conceive again ever. My experience over the last almost three years of being part of an online community is that eventually, most women do conceive. It really is such a different kettle of fish when a woman is either given a diagnosis or a reason for SIF as opposed to just taking a lot longer to conceive and maybe needing some intervention to get pregnant. I most certainly do think the women who eventually get pregnant with a biological child and have to endure years of SIF have been through their own hell. I do think that - one hundred percent. But they don't have to go on to reconcil a loss of a dream like the women who cannot conceive again do.
I am surprised by the lack of support both online and professionally around women moving on to add to their families through an alternate method. Moving through the adoption process, I have felt pressured to be healed from SIF, even though going through the process has triggered me relentlessly and has caused me to have to face the cold, hard facts: another biological child isn't coming our way.
Because we are opting for open adoption, which also comes with some pressure by the way, we are forced to accept the fact that our potential adopted child will have another family who will be in it's life. How frequently and what that contact will look will be determined by ourselves and a birth family - if we are picked. But my husband and I both feel at this point that open adoption feels like long-term fostering. We understand and agree with many of the reasons for encouraging and setting up an open adoption - but those decisions mean letting go of some elements of parenting a child that is biologically yours or a child that is exclusively yours. It is not an easy thing to get your head around. It hasn't been for me, anyway.
I have been reading through the notes we were given last year around adoption. They are pretty sobering - all the facts and figures around the issues an adopted child may have. There have been times over the last week or two where I've questioned if adoption is the right thing for us. But I guess only God in the end can and will decide if it is the right path for us.
I've also had to accept that adoption will be with us as a family for life. It is not like the old days when the baby was passed over and that was that - life just carried on - until the adopted child perhaps got curious about it's birth family. But with open adoption everyone in the adoption triad - birth family, prospective adoptive parents and adopted child come to the party with heartache. Sure, we are able to heal each other somewhat, but the cracks that are adoption will always be there. For all in the triad there will be times in life when adoption is more of a deal - and less of a deal. But it will always be part of us if it happens - part of our family. Our lives will be different to that of the average family with adoption in the equation. Some days it feels as if we will be taking on a lot.
We are still waiting for our official letter to say that we have been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Once that arrives then we can start putting our profile together. We should be in the pool by the end of October. I am tidying up a few loose ends at work "just in case". If I have to leave my job suddenly then I want everything to be sorted and ready for my replacement.
We have been considering adopting a dog! There is a huge gap in our family and I think a dog would be good for all of us. So we will see what happens. I don't want to rush out and get a band-aid dog so have been sitting on the fence about this one.
An intruder came into our home on Saturday afternoon when we were all home. It was a young guy on drugs. The police came fast and took him away which was good. We are all a bit freaked but it has helped me get SIF/the adoption process in perspective. There was also a major earthquake here in New Zealand this weekend just five hours from us. No-one was killed but there was lots of damage. Life feels a bit vulernable right now. More than ever I want to enjoy what I have - and to live for the day.
Yet, this is not often a stage that is supported or even talked about much within even the SIF communities. For starters - it is still rare to find women who actually cannot conceive again ever. My experience over the last almost three years of being part of an online community is that eventually, most women do conceive. It really is such a different kettle of fish when a woman is either given a diagnosis or a reason for SIF as opposed to just taking a lot longer to conceive and maybe needing some intervention to get pregnant. I most certainly do think the women who eventually get pregnant with a biological child and have to endure years of SIF have been through their own hell. I do think that - one hundred percent. But they don't have to go on to reconcil a loss of a dream like the women who cannot conceive again do.
I am surprised by the lack of support both online and professionally around women moving on to add to their families through an alternate method. Moving through the adoption process, I have felt pressured to be healed from SIF, even though going through the process has triggered me relentlessly and has caused me to have to face the cold, hard facts: another biological child isn't coming our way.
Because we are opting for open adoption, which also comes with some pressure by the way, we are forced to accept the fact that our potential adopted child will have another family who will be in it's life. How frequently and what that contact will look will be determined by ourselves and a birth family - if we are picked. But my husband and I both feel at this point that open adoption feels like long-term fostering. We understand and agree with many of the reasons for encouraging and setting up an open adoption - but those decisions mean letting go of some elements of parenting a child that is biologically yours or a child that is exclusively yours. It is not an easy thing to get your head around. It hasn't been for me, anyway.
I have been reading through the notes we were given last year around adoption. They are pretty sobering - all the facts and figures around the issues an adopted child may have. There have been times over the last week or two where I've questioned if adoption is the right thing for us. But I guess only God in the end can and will decide if it is the right path for us.
I've also had to accept that adoption will be with us as a family for life. It is not like the old days when the baby was passed over and that was that - life just carried on - until the adopted child perhaps got curious about it's birth family. But with open adoption everyone in the adoption triad - birth family, prospective adoptive parents and adopted child come to the party with heartache. Sure, we are able to heal each other somewhat, but the cracks that are adoption will always be there. For all in the triad there will be times in life when adoption is more of a deal - and less of a deal. But it will always be part of us if it happens - part of our family. Our lives will be different to that of the average family with adoption in the equation. Some days it feels as if we will be taking on a lot.
We are still waiting for our official letter to say that we have been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Once that arrives then we can start putting our profile together. We should be in the pool by the end of October. I am tidying up a few loose ends at work "just in case". If I have to leave my job suddenly then I want everything to be sorted and ready for my replacement.
We have been considering adopting a dog! There is a huge gap in our family and I think a dog would be good for all of us. So we will see what happens. I don't want to rush out and get a band-aid dog so have been sitting on the fence about this one.
An intruder came into our home on Saturday afternoon when we were all home. It was a young guy on drugs. The police came fast and took him away which was good. We are all a bit freaked but it has helped me get SIF/the adoption process in perspective. There was also a major earthquake here in New Zealand this weekend just five hours from us. No-one was killed but there was lots of damage. Life feels a bit vulernable right now. More than ever I want to enjoy what I have - and to live for the day.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Loss
It has been a hard week. I have had a big emotional backlash after our last appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services. So much has come up and I am trying to get my head around what it is exactly that is gnawing at me.
We got a booklet when we went to the Education and Preparation programme last year and I have been reading it the last few nights. It has helped me make sense somewhat of the mix of feelings that are up there right now. I found a reading about Loss which seems to be central to where I'm at. The article listed seven kinds of losses that an adopted child will live with, that adoptive parents need to be aware of. The article talked about working through losses before gains can be made. I so desperately want to move forward so I am going to give it a go.
This is how loss has looked for me/is because I cannot conceive another child:
* I have lost a big part of my identity as a woman going through early menopause which caused my SIF. I lost my right ovary due to ovarian torsion when my daughter arrived almost five and a half years ago. The menopausal symptons which came with having my ovary removed have affected my sexuality, my femininity and who I am now that I cannot conceive, and don't have periods. I cannot use my breasts to feed another child. My uterus is - useless. I have these womanly body parts that are kind of just - there. I also have a new body shape that has come with this change that I am adjusting to. It is taking me a while to accept my bloated abs!
* I have lost my self-esteem. Not being able to conceive again and dealing with the grief that comes with that has impacted my life greatly and how I see myself. I don't feel whole - I feel incredibly empty a lot of the time. I am a WIP in rebuilding myself up again.
* I have lost relationships either permanently or they have altered - there are few relationships I have that haven't been affected by me going through SIF/early menopause and now the adoption process. I've had to apply self-preservation a lot of time, having to carefully consider who is safe to disclose parts of my journey too. Sometimes my friends online are all I have as far as been able to connect to others who have either been there or are going through the same thing. Most of the time I just share bits and pieces with those in my support network. Invariably this often doesn't feel like enough but it seems SIF/the adoption process is something a woman must mainly go through alone.
* I have lost time with the family I have. This breaks my heart the most. I have tried to be the best mother possible but there is no denying that over the last almost four years I have had struggled with being present as a mother as I've dealt with my stuff. The same goes with my husband - our marriage has been impacted because of how big a loss this has all been to me. It is taking/will take time for us all to heal from SIF.
* I have lost time. The emotional processing is both exhausting and time-consuming. Although I have periods of time of feeling connected in my life - there are often times when the emotional side of things take over and I am unable to be as involved in my life as I'd like to be. I want to be further on from all this than I am but it's a big loss in my life and it will take as long as it takes to deal with it.
* I have lost direction. Losing a dream has caused me to question my whole life. Although I have a relationship with God, there are times when the not-knowing (especially for such a long period of time) has caused me to feel incredibly lost.
* I have lost God. Losing faith makes life feel so meaningless. There are times when the faith is there - but when it isn't - I feel as though I am at a complete standstill or go around in circles while been challenged by God's Will. I still do not understand how a desire doesn't always translate to a dream coming true. I have been angry and resentful towards God off and on for not granting me my wish!
* I have lost hope. I'm not sure I ever thought life was a fairytale. But until now I used to believe that everything works out in the end, no matter what life throws at you. Now I'm having to rethink my philosophies in life. Tragedy strikes in all of our lives at some point. Some tragedies are harder than others to reconcil. But it is hard to imagine life without grief in it right now. I've moved on from other personal crisis in my life, but this particular crisis feels like it will be with me for a long time.
* I have lost my place as a mother and as a woman. Secondary infertility is often described as been part-way between being part of the fertile world and the infertile world. I have a ticket to both worlds but neither really fit. I haven't felt comfortable around growing and completed families for some time now so have stepped away from many of my previous Mum connections. Although I have started an infertility support group, it is women with primary infertility who mainly attend and in that context, I can never completely be myself. Even with friends who have been through primary infertility or are going through it; there is an unspoken rift, no matter how close the friendship. Friends without children by choice have no comprehension of what SIF is all about so although there is the safety of no kids in tow with these friends; they are oblivious to my angst. It is hard to find women with SIF in real life - I haven't found a woman on the exact same path as me in my daily life and that causes me to feel incredibly alone at times.
* I have lost my sense of fun. Pre-SIF my life was filled with lighter moments in life. The last almost four years has added a heavy tone and seriousness to my life which is hard to turnaround. There are moments of peace, times of lightness - but my grief is tied to me always, no matter how positive and ok I am with my life as it stands at any given time. If this is the new me I'm afraid I will bore myself - if I haven't already (!) with the intensity that has come with hoping to add to our family.
* I have lost the dream of two biological children. Of course this is the obvious one. But so much falls under this umbrella - especially when looking at adoption as an option.
- There is the loss of two children being biologically linked/a family being biologically connected - The loss of physical and genetic similarities.
- The loss of rights as exclusive parents when looking into open adoption.
- The loss of a simple, straight-forward nuclear family.
- The loss of privacy - if we adopt; it will be obvious to many who know us well and not so well.
* The loss of pregnancy/childbirth and breastfeeding - This was such a big chapter around bonding/connecting with my daughter. I know I will miss these things if we get to adopt. Especially meeting a potential adopted child for the first time - "taking" a baby off it's mother, despite the fact she has consented, still feels like an awful and selfish thing to be hoping to do!
* The loss of some of our potential adopted child's life - another biggee. This is about history/time itself - it will probably be a few weeks that our potential adopted child will be living either with it's birth family or in foster care. Or the child might be older in which case there could be months or years that we have not a lot of insight into. There is no lead-up without a pregnancy to plan and get excitied - no time to paint a nursery or go shopping for baby clothes. If it happens it will be sudden (probably a few weeks notice - though maybe even days) and it will be a bit of a whirlwind.
I'm sure there's more stuff going on for me around this theme, but it does help to start the ball rolling and to start writing about it.
The infertility support group was on last night. There were just three of us. It was a good meeting but the numbers have been low the last couple of meetings so I am going to create and send out a questionnaire to see if we perhaps don't need to meet so frequently (monthly) if the interest isn't there. The meetings would have been running for a year next month. I value the meetings but the IF vs SIF dynamic does make it tricky and I often feel guilty, even within a meeting (which is meant to be my safe place), for being a Mum of One.
My daughter has been asking daily about adopting lately. In particular "What happens if we can't adopt? " Or words to that effect. I just say that we have to hope - we have to wait and see. Poor thing - she really looks quite upset at times around what must feel like a complicated way to hope to add to our family. I never do the doom and gloom thing with her. I try to be as upbeat as possible wheenver it comes up. She has said this week that a brother is okay too now - up until this point it was always a sister that she wanted!
We got a booklet when we went to the Education and Preparation programme last year and I have been reading it the last few nights. It has helped me make sense somewhat of the mix of feelings that are up there right now. I found a reading about Loss which seems to be central to where I'm at. The article listed seven kinds of losses that an adopted child will live with, that adoptive parents need to be aware of. The article talked about working through losses before gains can be made. I so desperately want to move forward so I am going to give it a go.
This is how loss has looked for me/is because I cannot conceive another child:
* I have lost a big part of my identity as a woman going through early menopause which caused my SIF. I lost my right ovary due to ovarian torsion when my daughter arrived almost five and a half years ago. The menopausal symptons which came with having my ovary removed have affected my sexuality, my femininity and who I am now that I cannot conceive, and don't have periods. I cannot use my breasts to feed another child. My uterus is - useless. I have these womanly body parts that are kind of just - there. I also have a new body shape that has come with this change that I am adjusting to. It is taking me a while to accept my bloated abs!
* I have lost my self-esteem. Not being able to conceive again and dealing with the grief that comes with that has impacted my life greatly and how I see myself. I don't feel whole - I feel incredibly empty a lot of the time. I am a WIP in rebuilding myself up again.
* I have lost relationships either permanently or they have altered - there are few relationships I have that haven't been affected by me going through SIF/early menopause and now the adoption process. I've had to apply self-preservation a lot of time, having to carefully consider who is safe to disclose parts of my journey too. Sometimes my friends online are all I have as far as been able to connect to others who have either been there or are going through the same thing. Most of the time I just share bits and pieces with those in my support network. Invariably this often doesn't feel like enough but it seems SIF/the adoption process is something a woman must mainly go through alone.
* I have lost time with the family I have. This breaks my heart the most. I have tried to be the best mother possible but there is no denying that over the last almost four years I have had struggled with being present as a mother as I've dealt with my stuff. The same goes with my husband - our marriage has been impacted because of how big a loss this has all been to me. It is taking/will take time for us all to heal from SIF.
* I have lost time. The emotional processing is both exhausting and time-consuming. Although I have periods of time of feeling connected in my life - there are often times when the emotional side of things take over and I am unable to be as involved in my life as I'd like to be. I want to be further on from all this than I am but it's a big loss in my life and it will take as long as it takes to deal with it.
* I have lost direction. Losing a dream has caused me to question my whole life. Although I have a relationship with God, there are times when the not-knowing (especially for such a long period of time) has caused me to feel incredibly lost.
* I have lost God. Losing faith makes life feel so meaningless. There are times when the faith is there - but when it isn't - I feel as though I am at a complete standstill or go around in circles while been challenged by God's Will. I still do not understand how a desire doesn't always translate to a dream coming true. I have been angry and resentful towards God off and on for not granting me my wish!
* I have lost hope. I'm not sure I ever thought life was a fairytale. But until now I used to believe that everything works out in the end, no matter what life throws at you. Now I'm having to rethink my philosophies in life. Tragedy strikes in all of our lives at some point. Some tragedies are harder than others to reconcil. But it is hard to imagine life without grief in it right now. I've moved on from other personal crisis in my life, but this particular crisis feels like it will be with me for a long time.
* I have lost my place as a mother and as a woman. Secondary infertility is often described as been part-way between being part of the fertile world and the infertile world. I have a ticket to both worlds but neither really fit. I haven't felt comfortable around growing and completed families for some time now so have stepped away from many of my previous Mum connections. Although I have started an infertility support group, it is women with primary infertility who mainly attend and in that context, I can never completely be myself. Even with friends who have been through primary infertility or are going through it; there is an unspoken rift, no matter how close the friendship. Friends without children by choice have no comprehension of what SIF is all about so although there is the safety of no kids in tow with these friends; they are oblivious to my angst. It is hard to find women with SIF in real life - I haven't found a woman on the exact same path as me in my daily life and that causes me to feel incredibly alone at times.
* I have lost my sense of fun. Pre-SIF my life was filled with lighter moments in life. The last almost four years has added a heavy tone and seriousness to my life which is hard to turnaround. There are moments of peace, times of lightness - but my grief is tied to me always, no matter how positive and ok I am with my life as it stands at any given time. If this is the new me I'm afraid I will bore myself - if I haven't already (!) with the intensity that has come with hoping to add to our family.
* I have lost the dream of two biological children. Of course this is the obvious one. But so much falls under this umbrella - especially when looking at adoption as an option.
- There is the loss of two children being biologically linked/a family being biologically connected - The loss of physical and genetic similarities.
- The loss of rights as exclusive parents when looking into open adoption.
- The loss of a simple, straight-forward nuclear family.
- The loss of privacy - if we adopt; it will be obvious to many who know us well and not so well.
* The loss of pregnancy/childbirth and breastfeeding - This was such a big chapter around bonding/connecting with my daughter. I know I will miss these things if we get to adopt. Especially meeting a potential adopted child for the first time - "taking" a baby off it's mother, despite the fact she has consented, still feels like an awful and selfish thing to be hoping to do!
* The loss of some of our potential adopted child's life - another biggee. This is about history/time itself - it will probably be a few weeks that our potential adopted child will be living either with it's birth family or in foster care. Or the child might be older in which case there could be months or years that we have not a lot of insight into. There is no lead-up without a pregnancy to plan and get excitied - no time to paint a nursery or go shopping for baby clothes. If it happens it will be sudden (probably a few weeks notice - though maybe even days) and it will be a bit of a whirlwind.
I'm sure there's more stuff going on for me around this theme, but it does help to start the ball rolling and to start writing about it.
The infertility support group was on last night. There were just three of us. It was a good meeting but the numbers have been low the last couple of meetings so I am going to create and send out a questionnaire to see if we perhaps don't need to meet so frequently (monthly) if the interest isn't there. The meetings would have been running for a year next month. I value the meetings but the IF vs SIF dynamic does make it tricky and I often feel guilty, even within a meeting (which is meant to be my safe place), for being a Mum of One.
My daughter has been asking daily about adopting lately. In particular "What happens if we can't adopt? " Or words to that effect. I just say that we have to hope - we have to wait and see. Poor thing - she really looks quite upset at times around what must feel like a complicated way to hope to add to our family. I never do the doom and gloom thing with her. I try to be as upbeat as possible wheenver it comes up. She has said this week that a brother is okay too now - up until this point it was always a sister that she wanted!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
If it isn't meant to be
If it isn't meant to be
Then why God do you tease me so
Showing me completed families
Everywhere I go
If it isn't meant to be
Then why does my heart break
It's been almost four years
That's a very long time to wait
If it isn't meant to be
Why is this desire in my being
It really would be so much easier
Not to live in the in-between
If it isn't meant to be
Then I wish you would let me go
Show me a different dream
Because I've got nowhere else to go
If it isn't meant to be
Then please set me free
My daughter wants a sister
She's been waiting forever it seems
If it isn't meant to be
I wish you'd tell me soon
I've had enough of waiting
I want to sing another tune
If it isn't meant to be
Then this all feels like a waste of time
Another child was all I wanted
A little person to call mine
Then why God do you tease me so
Showing me completed families
Everywhere I go
If it isn't meant to be
Then why does my heart break
It's been almost four years
That's a very long time to wait
If it isn't meant to be
Why is this desire in my being
It really would be so much easier
Not to live in the in-between
If it isn't meant to be
Then I wish you would let me go
Show me a different dream
Because I've got nowhere else to go
If it isn't meant to be
Then please set me free
My daughter wants a sister
She's been waiting forever it seems
If it isn't meant to be
I wish you'd tell me soon
I've had enough of waiting
I want to sing another tune
If it isn't meant to be
Then this all feels like a waste of time
Another child was all I wanted
A little person to call mine
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