Trusting God

I guess the biggest change over the last couple of months or so for me has been about rediscovering God again. I mean this in a trusting God in my life kind of a way. I'm not a religious person. But I do have strong spiritual beliefs. I have been in recovery for 14 years and it was through recovery that I found my own version of a Higher Power.

However, during my SIF my faith was seriously challenged. Although I "talked" to God daily throughout my tough years of SIF: I didn't make the time to listen. It was too painful at the time to hear what He might have to say. So I turned away from God in a sense - without realising it.

Throughout SIF I mainly felt unsupported by those around me. I wanted my husband, family, friends - and other mothers - to "get" SIF. I was constantly let-down by the lack of empathy given during that time.

Yet I have learnt in recent times, that this whole SIF ordeal was between God and I. It really was an exercise in faith and trust yet I was unable to "hear" God. Instead I kept hoping that one day those in my circle would understand.

I can honestly say that because of the decision I made to walk away from SIF a couple of months back; I have found God in my life again. Not only that; my relationship with the God of my understanding is stronger than ever. I no longer feel empty. Some major healing has taken place - I no longer live and breathe SIF.

I trust in God's timing and do not feel compelled to complete our profile urgently. I feel I need to get through November work-wise (as the next few weeks are going to be busy) before divulging to my boss that we will be in the prospective adoptive parents pool once our profile has been written and approved by our social worker.

The funny thing is I seem to be going through a nesting phase at the moment. Is is as though I know I need and want to get a few things sorted before going into the pool.

With hindsight I have been able to see just how lost, lonely and in despair I was during those SIF days. I was a mess and it really was a hard thing to go through in the long-term. I do think I did the best I could at the time and that it was simply a process I had to go through - I had to go through my grieving patches and allow myself to move towards acceptance in my own time.

I was surprised to have AF arrive this week after an eight month absence. I was hoping I would have no visits from AF for 12 months so I could be deemed post-menopausal! It's a light bleed anyway - but it has reminded me of how AFs presence is connected to my femininity. Without a regular cycle I find I am still working out who I am as a woman.

Our daughter is struggling in some areas at school. I have found this so hard to see. I have had some big cries around her autism of late. I guess SIF and her ASD diagnosis all happened at the same time and I didn't actually grieve or process her diagnosis initially. Because I have worked with children with ASD and Aspergers; it wasn't a big shock at the time. But now that our daughter is older and feeling the affects of living with ASD; my heart breaks for her.

We are having a Halloween party tomorrow night. I am looking forward to having nine kids and 11 adults here. We are going trick n' treating (all rigged!) and are having a Halloween disco. It will be fun. I have just been in town getting some decorations. I feel more like "me" these days - as I do like to organise get-togethers and have fun. It feels like we are having a family celebration - kind of like coming out of a rough era with SIF and inviting people into our lives again.

Friends for a season

It feels as though I have finally moved into another chapter in my life - the post-SIF chapter. However I won't feel as if we have completely closed the door on SIF until our profile has been submitted. Hopefully we are just a few weeks away from going into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. I have starting writing our profile and purchased a clear file today which will contain our profile once it has been approved by our social worker. So we are getting there - slowly but surely.

It is with a bit of a sadness that I know it will be time for me to move on from Dailystrength around the time we have submitted our profile into the pool. Really once we're in the pool, life will carry on and there isn't much more to tell or much more to share from that point on. It feels as if the circle of women I have connected with over the last three years in the secondary infertility community through Dailystrength have slowly been granted their baby dreams one by one. Recently I downsized my friends online from twenty-something to seven. Many friends got pregnant and had their second children and left the group. Others just stopped all communication. In some cases it was me who stopped communicating. I think it will be a very long time before I will be able to hear detailed accounts of a woman's pregnancy. It is also painful to hear about siblings and how much a first child loves being a big brother or sister. I still have to apply self-preservation, even though I have healed a bit around SIF.

Out of this small group of friends left online; four of the women are pregnant and one has her adopted son on the way to her from Asia as we speak. I am soooooo pleased and happy for all of them. Honestly I am. Yet, I still don't know my fate. It's not kindergarten; I may not get a prize myself. God only knows how this will all turn out for me. It seems the natural thing to do now is to continue to do what I'm doing; to gently detach myself from my online habit.

I guess my blog and Dailystrength have been my coping mechanisms throughout SIF. When most of those in my circle in "real life" failed to understand just how deep secondary infertility cuts; my online outlets saved my life. I will forever be grateful for the support I have gained over the last three years from people reading my blogs and through reading other women's blogs and journals. Being heard and accepted when going through a great loss is paramount to healing.

As I walk further away from SIF, I cannot help but think that this painful episode in my life most will be oblivious to . It doesn't seem like something I can bring up anymore. It is very odd to have been through something so big, to have survived it and to now be recovering from it still very much on my own. I guess in the future if someone with SIF crosses my path; I will be able to lend a listening ear. Perhaps I am not meant to educate the world about SIF afterall. Perhaps it will be something that I will only share with others when the time is right.

My daughter had a hard week at school last week. Some teasing occurred around her autism. She was devastated and is still processing, at the age of five and a half, just exactly what it means to be autistic. It broke my heart to see her so downhearted. I have had a few cries - the first time I've actually cried around her autism in the two years since her diagnosis. We went through so much as a family for a few years there - the early days of dealing with our daughter's autism were particularly tough and we went through that while SIF consumed me for a good couple of years.

As we sat down at the kitchen table the other night, my husband and I, and gently explained autism (once again) to our daughter with the use of a social story, I couldn't help but wonder if one day we might be having a similar conversation with another child around adoption. No doubt that would be a heartbreaking moment too; watching an adopted child come to terms with being adopted.

I guess after all I've been through over the last few years I have certainly learnt that life isn't perfect, that not all dreams come true and that great losses can just about break a person. Yet I know that it is possible to move on and to make a new start and to even find new dreams again. I'm in the process of allowing the space of letting go of the old so the new can come in.

Today I bought a 2011 diary. The next three months are busy ones - we have a few visitors coming to visit and there's a few things on. Every Christmas for the last four years I have hoped to either be pregnant or to have a baby in my arms. I don't want to do that to myself this Christmas. To move forward I have to continue to let go of the grief I have lived with for a while. I can feel my energy changing as I embrace life as it is today instead of pining for lost dreams.

Every time I log into Dailystrength I feel triggered. I was pretty depressed over the years from time to time and I am reminded of how I used to feel when I go into Dailystrength. I also see the status updates of those whose baby dreams came true and that only reminds me of what didn't happen for me. It takes me out of my present and back into the past - to a dream that wasn't meant to be and I don't think that's good for me. So I guess I made some friends for a season in Dailystrength. We supported each other during an incredibly tough time yet we are all dispersing as the wind changes. I know I will miss these connections I have made online but at the same time, I can see already that my connections in "real life" are improving as I am slowly coming out of hiding. I am reentering the world again, living my life instead of hiding in cyberspace. It feels good but it is hard changing my ways. I am not good at letting go - of anything really. But I'm sticking close to God these days, talking to Him more and journalling for me. It seems God and I have been doing some healing together.

Letting Go

Whenever it was, a few weeks or a few months back; I made a conscious decision to move on from SIF. I guess as I approached four years of hoping to add to our family I realised I wanted my life back again. God only knows how much of my time and energy was consumed by SIF over that four year period of time.

It's funny when you have the willingness to change, to accept things as they stand and to stop pushing and hoping for life to go the way you had planned; that peace has the opportunity to seep in. I have learnt so much from this chapter in my life and am still learning. The obvious lesson has been about living with loss and life throwing the unexpected at you. I seem to know a lot of women who have been widowed this year. I just have a lot more empathy and sympathy for them than what I would have, had I not been through SIF. Sure, losing a husband probably doesn't compare to losing the ability to have another child. But there are parallels.

I did get quite triggered post our recent family trip up to Wellington. I guess a bit of family of origin stuff came up. But it turned out that it was an opportunity to filter through another layer of stuff. It certainly cemented for me that Nelson is where we are meant to be living right now.

Over the last few months members of my antenatal class have come into my life again. I'm good friends with one of the women from antenatal class and she is the only one I have kept in regular contact with throughout SIF. Another one works at the same college (high-school) as me. But I haven't seen the others for ages. I used to be the one who organised coffee groups. A couple of women have turned up at the gym I go to and three others also have daughters in the same ballet class as my daughter. Most of these Mums do have two children. I pretty much let go of the group when it was obvious I was infertile. But now these women have reappeared in my life. It as though God feels I am ready to be exposed to the circle of Mums again out there that I used to be part of.

We are planning a Halloween BBQ. We have invited around eight/nine families. Some are new families that I've met through my daughter's school. It feels good to be organising a get-together like this as it is something I have always done - brought people together. Fancy dress will be compulsory for adults and children so it should be fun!

I've enrolled in an art class starting November 1st. I did an art class (for the first time) maybe two years ago and ended up selling some paintings (for children's bedrooms) at a few markets one Summer. A work colleague/friend who is very creative has suggested we have a stall at a market January 2nd which I'm keen to do.

As for writing our profile (for the pool for prospective adoptive parents) - I haven't done a thing! A lot of it will be cutting and pasting from some of the paperwork we submitted during the adoption process. I hope to make a start this weekend. I'm not in a big rush to get it done/don't feel any pressure even though I know I will feel hugely relieved when we are finally in the pool. Perhaps I have more faith and trust in God at the moment - it certainly is not urgent that we get it done. There are a few things I want to get sorted at work before revealing to my boss that we are in the pool. I guess I need to tie up some loose ends over the next few weeks.

So by the time I get our profile written and submitted it will no doubt be two years of going through the whole adoption process. We haven't rushed things - we have taken our time. Soooo much has gone on over the last two years. We needed to take our time to deal with things and to get ourselves sorted in some areas.

Last weekend I organised a cafe get-together for the IF support group I started as it has been running for a year. It was good and nice to do something informal. I felt as if I really bonded with the women outside of the structured meetings we usually have. I would like to continue meetings in 2011 but perhaps we will have bimonthly ones with a cafe meeting inbetween. I guess I will just see how things go.

It has been really good for me detaching more from Dailystrength - my online SIF support group. I let go of several "friends" there a few weeks back. I now have half a dozen or so friends and most don't check in much themselves. I guess eventually it will be time to move on from Dailystrength. It is taking a while to wean myself out of there as I have used it as a form of support for close to three years!

But letting go of my online support has caused me to be more present in my daily life. I don't tend to go online in the weekends now which means I get more done around the house! I don't necessarily mean housework either - just general sorting out stuff. I guess my loose plan is to sign off from Dailystrength by the end of the year. I want 2011 to not be about SIF at all. It will be a new life. I feel it coming - however it all turns out.

Rebuilding Me

Going away for a week with my wee family to my hometown was interesting. For the most part it was a good trip away and we did a few things in Wellington such as going to Te Papa (interactive museum) and the zoo and walking around the wharf. We also went to Palmerston North for a night which is two hours from Wellington to catch up with some good friends.

Being in Wellington, where I was born and raised bought up lots of memories .I also lived in Palmerston North twice - once as a university student in the late 80s and ten years later as an aspiring graphic designer. It is also where I met my husband - we worked at the same place - and where I adopted my cat who is now 10 years old.

We have lived in Nelson for nine years now and have very much established it as home. My husband is also from the North Island so between the two of us we have a lot of history in the North Island - also our friends and family live there.

But trekking around spots I used to hang out in and seeing friends I haven't seen for a while reminded me of the various incarnations I've had in life. I got and still feel quite triggered a day after getting back around the fact that I have lost a lot of my inner-zing and vitality because of SIF. That makes me sad. I was always the adventurous, fun-loving friend who had several projects and goals on the go. I know I'm older now; but I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. Life has become so very, very small and I have been in survival mode - simply treading water - for quite some time.

There were some friends we caught up with that I haven't seen for over two years. One friend I only saw for an hour so I just didn't go there around SIF or adoption. This friend has three children under seven. Although I wasn't jealous; I felt worlds apart from her because of all I've been through emotionally around SIF. It is strange to see a friend with the dream you had hoped for for a long time while wondering what God has in store for you.

I guess I was mainly struck with how broken I felt as we reconnected with friends and family in the North Island. I'm not bitter anymore. There is just a big empty hole where a very special dream once lived. I really want to move on and rebuild the broken parts of me but I know it's going to take time. Also I know the reality could be I may just have to somehow live with this loss and integrate it into this new life - this alternative life that is slowly evolving.

I will make a start on our profile soon. I wish I felt more excited about it than I do. I saw the movie "Mother and Child" with my Mum in Wellington which is ironically about adoption. I had tears streaming down my face in a scene when an adoption falls through - it was just a little close to the bone!

This Sunday I have organised a get-together at a cafe for the IF support group I started as it has now been running a year! I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone in an informal setting.

I am in a bit of a wierd space. I guess I feel I have moved on from SIF as best as I can yet I still have a lot of healing to do. It takes a long time to rebuild a life after going through a major loss. I still haven't accepted my premature menopause fate either. I found I felt embarrassed when we were away catching up with some friends we hadn't seen for a while as I've put on some weight and it is purely hormonal. I eat well and exercise - I cannot control my weight now and that does upset me as I usually have quite a good figure. I'm not overally fat though - just bloated - particularly around my abs and it is uncomfortable not to mention unflattering in a lot of clothes I wear. I'm in the process of having to change my style because of my changed body shape - I'm still working out what looks and feels good.

I feel I am having to rediscover who I am in mind, body and soul post-SIF and post-menopause. There are still more tears to come; still some more acceptance to find. I miss the old me pre-SIF yet I know I have changed and it might take a while to make friends with the new me again.