Still living in limbo

I got back on Monday night after an absolutely fantastic time in Sydney. It was quite the adventure jumping the ditch for a weekend - without my husband and child. It was great in so many ways. I'm still processing aspects of the trip as it helped bring the last 4.5 years (of hoping for another child) in perspective. The day after I got back (Tuesday) Christchurch, a city approximately just five hours drive away from where we live, got hit by a massive destructive earthquake that has destroyed buildings and lives - all Kiwis (New Zealanders) are reeling from this right now.

Going away to another country for a couple of days - even if was "just Australia" was a reminder of who I used to be pre-marriage and pre-motherhood - the somewhat unsettled and adventurous person I used to be. It was nice to feel mostly at peace with my life as it stands today - I say mostly as it's not a perfect life - and I certainly don't expect that it will ever be.

I have been reminded twice this week just how vulnerable I am still around SIF. I had two encounters with two pregnant women this week and got triggered by both women. The first woman is a Mum whose son is in the same class as my daughter's. I asked her how she was and she said she wasn't too well - because she was pregnant. She said "Can't you tell?" and pointed at her stomach. The truth is she has a round belly at the best of times and I didn't really consider that she would be pregnant - especially as far as I knew - she was a single Mum... Anyway she proceeded to tell me how unwanted this baby was and how she couldn't terminate it - but she was giving it a life. I do not know the woman well so have never mentioned SIF. There was a part of me that wondered if she was giving this baby up for adoption. But I didn't go there. The woman has actually been around to our house before with her son for a play-date which turned to custard. The vibe I've always gotten is that this woman has issues and certainly isn't someone I'd want to befriend so I haven't encouraged any further play-dates - my daughter isn't interested anyway.

But I got triggered in several ways - in the sense obviously that this woman had obviously accidentally got pregnant and seemed to have no attachment whatsoever to her unborn child. The second way I was triggered was around birth Mums. Don't get me wrong - I admire women so much who make the very brave decision to "give up their child" for adoption. Yet I know - from a non-judgmental perspective (just a real one) - that many birth Mums/birth families come with issues. If this woman is planning to adopt - and I have no idea if she is or isn't - the thought of her being a potential birth Mum freaked me out a bit.

All the families I've talked to online or locally who have adopted all say the same thing - that somehow you do just click with a birth family if and when picked as adoptive parents. I know of one adoptive Mum who walked away from an adoption because it didn't feel right. I think this interaction with this woman pregnant with an unwanted child reminded me of the fact that even if we get picked as adoptive parents - it might not be the right fit - especially because we have opted for an open adoption and would have contact with the birth family.

Then last night a friend phoned to say she's 12 weeks pregnant with her (wait for it!)...fifth child!! She is such a sweetheart and she had also phoned about something else - she was also open about the fact that it wasn't a planned pregnancy and that "we're still trying to get our heads around it!" to which I joked "I remember you saying that last time!" - when she was pregnant with their fourth child. They are a lovely Christian family who do a heap of work for the church and deserve to be blessed several times over with all these lovely children.

But there is a part of me that feels that it is so unfair - that I had to be exposed to two lots of women this week questioning their pregnancies when I have been waiting and trying for 4.5 years to add to our family. I want to move on from it all - SIF - but it seems until the door is really closed - I will not really be able to. I'm going to have to put up with the odd trigger here and there and the underlying hope for another child at least as long as we are in the pool for prospective adoptive parents.

After going to Sydney for a weekend I was reminded of the adventurous me who used to travel a lot. I guess in time if it turns out that we remain a family of one; then I will embrace that side of myself again and will encourage some more family adventures now that our daughter is almost six years old.

I still feel in limbo - stuck in my job really until we know either way what is happening adoption-wise. There isn't much work out there right now but I will probably just hang in there with my job until we step out of the adoption pool, if we never get picked as adoptive parents. I wouldn't want to work any more hours than I do right now with a second child and there is the possibility that I will keep this job if we become adoptive parents and will take some maternity leave initially.

If we remain a family of one then I will probably increase my work hours within the next couple of years and start saving/planning for family trips - more trips that we might have had/or could have with two children. I am still partly annoyed - while somehow accepting my fate - that should a child come to us, we will have to start all over again in some respects - that the gap will be so big - 6/7 years between kids. At the same time, I know we would need to allow time to settle/regroup as a family of four - should it happen and that it would also be an exciting time! (if an adoption happened).

I know change is coming soon. I've had a busy two/three months and will be back to my regular work hours next week with two days off a week so I can really start the ball rolling this year with my writing and art.

In the meantime, as I find a way to live in limbo family-wise while continuing life as best as I can; I am reminded as my fellow country-men face their unbearable and unexpected grief just how fast life can change in an instant and even if life is imperfect at times and dreams aren't always realised - it is still the one and only life we have.

Everything finally done with the adoption process

I dropped off the last bits of paperwork for our file this morning to go with our profile. One bit of paperwork was to do with the kinds of families/children we were open to adopting - the other form was a summary sheet of our profile. I also amended two pages from our profile that made reference to our late cat and altered them to mention our new kitten.

I have wanted to tidy up these loose ends adoption-wise for a few weeks now but the last two months have been pretty busy. First we had a good month of visitors in town this Summer, then we had some big regression with our daughter on the autistic front and then I got very busy at work...so it did feel good to drop that paperwork off knowing that there is nothing else to do now as far as the adoption process goes.

I have still been feeling a bit raw and somewhat triggered SIF-wise for a few months now. Even though it is a brand new year and I am doing my best to carry on with life as it stands today - the longing/the desire is still there. There is a bit of vulnerability that comes with being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents too. I'm not sure I will forget we are in it (the pool) over the next fourteen months or so. We will be in the pool until April 2012 which doesn't seem far away. We've officially been in the pool almost three months and not a peep. My worst fear is that we may not ever hear a peep/have any interest in our profile. Yet I know if that happens; it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, it is partly for this reason - this feeling that I am still waiting and as a consequence not yet able to completely shut the door on SIF that I accepted my mother's generous offer of a trip to Sydney this weekend for my sister's 40th. I feel I just need to take the plunge/have fun in other areas of my life. So I am very much looking forward to three child-free and husband-free nights in Sydney this weekend! It is also in the back of my mind that if we did get picked as adoptive parents then a trip like this would be off the menu for quite some time. So seize the day and all that.

I am having to apply a lot of self-preservation right now. Every Summer seems to bring another influx of babies and bumps. My "baby" turns six in four weeks! I guess every year she gets older, there is a greater distance between the dream I wanted - to have a biological sibling for her - and how life turned out. Just today as I looked for a bag to pack my things in for Aussie, I saw all our old baby gear and toddler gear sitting in the garage. I do look forward to the day when I know what is happening with us for sure - when our family is deemed complete - as we are - or with another child.

Work has been very stressful with a lot of pressure of late - so it hasn't helped my SIF woes to be in a part-time job that I am challenged in a lot of the time. I know once I get back from Sydney and school has been back for a couple of weeks that I will have regular free time and will be able to have the weekly creative slots for writing and art that I want to set up.

I haven't been well over the last couple of weeks and know a lot of it is stress-related. It will be good to get away to Sydney on my own - I will have a lot of time to think and reflect on the way there - before having a girlie weekend with my sister. I so want 2011 to be a positive one. I want to get to the end of a year and think that it was about more than broken dreams. It is coming up to four and a half years of hoping to add to our family - such a big block of time and I am well over it in a lot of ways.

Feeling triggered

I'm feeling a bit triggered on the SIF front for a whole lot of reasons. It seems each year I heal a little more from SIF - but the grief resurfaces sometimes and nips me in the butt. It seems SIF will be with me for the rest of my life in some form - it may lay dormant and forgotten hopefully in the future but will probably always flare up from time to time.

With the start of school this week I was exposed to several bumps - mothers of two or three expecting their second or third children. After six weeks of school holidays I had had a welcome break from such sightings. Some friends on Facebook have revealed they are pregnant with their second and third children over the last month or two. Not good friends - as in just friends I have a Facebook relationship with. One even had a photo revealing her bump - as in skin and all. I felt a bit hurt by that. This is someone who did know about my SIF. Even if we're not in contact on a one-to-one basis - it still stung that someone did the bump reveal knowing I might see that pic. Yep; it is very easy to take SIF personally...

Although at the time I was ready to leave Dailystrength last year and hence my online SIF support group of three years - there is still a gap. Leaving Dailystrength was about opening my life up to other things - other than SIF. An attempt at moving on. And although I'm in contact (also by Facebook) with a handful of friends from Dailystrength who went through SIF as well - I have lost my connection with some of them as they are now Mums of Two or Three. Don't get me wrong - I am so, so happy for them. And the ones that added to their families by going down an alternative path went through so, so much. I was there with them as they made their decisions - and waited - and then were blessed. So I am rapt for them - so, so happy for them.

Yet there is a part of me that feels as though I have been shoved aside. Not by the women themselves - but by life and how things have panned out. What if I am the one who went through SIF and adoption doesn't happen for us? I fear it won't. Some days I'm fine with what will be, will be. But right now - nope, I want it to work. I want to have gone through over four years of hoping to add to our family (actually, it's about four and a half years now) - to have tried to conceive naturally, to have turned to alternative methods, to have tried low-key fertility treatments, to have endured an operation, to have had to accept and face that I went through early menopause, to have moved so slowly through the adoption process in order to make sure it was the right decision for us - to get a result - to get a baby.

Life is still in limbo somewhat. Even though I have declared that 2011 is going to be a moving on year for me - I still wonder, wait - and crave this little person I've been waiting such a long time for.

I know there will be better days again. That I am feeling raw because families of two and more seem to be everywhere again - plastered all over Facebook, at my daughter's school and just well - everywhere. It's not like the alternative - being a part-time working Mum has been all that great because that in itself is a big juggle and sometimes a struggle week to week.

I know I may need to have some space from the places I am feeling triggered right now. Perhaps I ought to log on to Facebook a little less. I still have a wee part of our profile to alter now that we've got a new family pet - and the final paperwork to hand it to Adoption Services. It will be good to tidy that all up so I will try to get that done soon.

I'm off to Sydney for a weekend soon - for my sister's 40th. I was so, so excited for a couple of days about it. And obviously couldn't do such a trip if I had another child to look after. With our daughter and her ASD; I think it would be hard to leave her and a sibling behind. So I feel lucky and fortunate to be able to go on such a trip. But today - I feel sad and mad - and my SIF grief is up there. Sometimes the rawness of it all gets to me as it feels as though I haven't progressed. I know I have though and that where I'm at today is just part of the healing.