In emotional turmoil

I'm in a bad place. Every now and then SIF and living in limbo land around my hopes to add to my family get the better of me. This desire to mother another child is something that is with me day in, day out. Even on my "good days" it is a longing that sits within me. On my bad days - which seem to vary on just how bad they actually are - I am practically consumed by my hunger for another child.

For whatever reason, I seem to be going through a bad patch with it all right now. There are some things going on around it all. It seems I need to lay my cards out on the table right now in the hope of finding some peace of mind.

I guess with my daughter turning six recently I just have this angst around time running out for us to add to our family. Only another year to go in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. It doesn't seem long. Even though I have been thinking and talking about fostering as our essential Plan C (a biological child being Plan A and an adoptive child being Plan B); I am not sure at this point in time if that is God's Will for us.

The older my daughter gets, the more intense her meltdowns. It is often the case that children with autism have aggressive meltdowns at home; particularly when going to school. We have had two meltdowns in our household in the past week. I was left with scratches down my front from one. Quite frankly I get scared when home alone with my daughter when these meltdowns occur. Even though I have been advised by a behavioural specialist to put her in her room once the aggressive behaviour starts; sometimes I can't get her in there and she takes it all out on me. A friend even suggested that I do some self-defense lessons which I'm seriously thinking of doing.

I worry about the future - as my daughter gets bigger the meltdowns will probably intensify. If I'm struggling now, how will I cope five years from now?

Upon considering fostering as a Plan C option - just in conversations with my husband - I am just not sure if our home-life is stable enough to nurture another child with a highly functioning autistic daughter. Obviously with fostering the idea is to offer a loving home and I fear my daughter could reject a child and if that happened; life would be rough for the foster child. I have to be real about it. It just hurts that if adoption fails - that fostering - our last possible option - and by no means a certain option - may not be viable.

I know I don't yet know what God's plan is for us. That there are no doubt many more days, weeks, months to go before my wish to complete our family occurs. I'm running out of patience, that's all!

I have even been looking online at embryo donations. I can't find much information about it in New Zealand. But I did find this clip http://www.3news.co.nz/Frozen-in-time/tabid/371/articleID/188893/Default.aspx which is pretty inspiring. It's not something I can see us doing but if somebody offered us an embryo or eggs - er, yes, I would consider it.

I feel desperate. I feel as though I'm just a year or two into SIF - not four and a half years into it. I feel like I should be way more healed and accepting of my situation - but I'm not. I have no-one to talk to about this. It is old, old news out there and everyone naturally assumes I'm over it - because I don't talk about. But what am I meant to say. "By the way, waiting in the prospective parents adoptive pool kind of sucks!" Many people don't even know we are waiting. I've only disclosed this to family and some friends - not even all of them. In fact, many people in my everyday life - people I see weekly at the gym and at work and at my daughter's school don't know!! And it's this big part of me - still. A big part of me that grieves and longs and hopes for another shot at motherhood. Yet somehow it is something I am suffering in silence, once again.

So today I posted a journal update in RESOLVE. I have recognised that I do need support from women in the same boat. There is a good adoption community there. I need to connect with women waiting and hoping to adopt - and to also hear from women who have adopted. Because at the moment I don't know anyone going through this and it makes me feel incredibly alone.

Writing this, it is not surprising to see why I feel depressed. Quite badly so. On the brink of tears with no-one to turn to. I also know I haven't been treating myself well lately with late nights, too much junk food and drinking - not even much drinking, but for me just a couple of drinks is not good for my emotional state when going through big stuff like I am right now. So I went to bed early last night and started re-reading a book I bought last year called "Mind Over Menopause." I do suspect that my hormones are also once again out of whack which doesn't help my perspective. I'm trying hard to be kind to me.

My husband's work is also going through a rough patch - as in there isn't much work coming in - which is worrying. I am completely uninspired in my own job right now. And I feel so awful that I've been a bit emotionally unavailable to my daughter this weekend with way too much crap going on in my head.

Most of all I feel quite disillusioned about life. I know it's not a fairy tale but I feel I have lost the ability to be happy and I used to know how to live life serenely - one day at a time. My dreams and aspirations seem to be on hold in lots of areas and I don't know how to move forward. But it seems all I can do for now is to take care of me - to self-nurture (as it's called in the book I am reading). And to pray. I have been doing some of that this weekend. I even prayed to God yesterday and asked him to take away my desire for another child if it isn't his will. I told him it's coming up to five years of waiting in a few months and I can't do this much longer - I want to be set free and to be happy if God doesn't want me to parent another child. Of course I feel all angry and bitter at the thought of that and wonder why God doesn't want me to parent another child. Clearly I'm not all that great in his eyes if motherhood for the second time isn't on the cards for me.

My daughter is having a school gala next weekend and I've been clearing out some stuff to donate. I've included a couple of pregnancy books - books I obviously referred to when I was pregnant. I just feel so, so sad that I won't get to do that again - carry another child. I just loved being pregnant. It was one of the most amazing times in my life. I almost shed a tear when I showed my daughter the photos of a glowing woman as she progressed through her pregnancy. In fact those images have been partly responsible I'm sure for my shaky emotions this weekend.

My grief is two-fold, I suppose. There is the grief around not being able to conceive and therefore experience pregnancy and childbirth. But there is also the grief that I may not get to mother another child again. It's intense at times. I just crave some lightness in my life again. I pray to God for relief from this emotional pain.

A Life On Hold

I have just tried to call our Social Worker at Adoption Services again. She phoned a couple of weeks ago to have a talk about permanency (long-term fostering). I've left a few messages but she hasn't phoned me back yet. I guess we will connect when we are meant to.

I have been feeling quite unsettled about SIF and our incomplete family for a few months now. Not depressed, even though that grief and longing to mother another child is still so very strong. More like unsettled with living with the unknown, once again. I have had some patches or phases even within this four-and-a-half-year era of limbo-land of feeling okay with it all. I've dug deep to work through some of the emotional and spiritual lessons that SIF has brought to me. But for the most part, I have spent four and a half years feeling like not only is my life on hold - a big part of me is on hold.

It is almost too hard to explain how I feel - how my incompleteness as a mother and the unknowingness as to whether or not we will adopt, affects my sense of self and therefore my serenity. I know it should all come from within - that my happiness and completeness should not be about how many children I have. But somehow it is connected to that. Hmmm.

I just feel stuck. Still. It's like I do have some dreams and aspirations that are separate to motherhood for the second time - but I can't seem to make those things happen until my family life is sorted out. It's very frustrating. I guess I can't truly carry on with the rest of my life until I know, until I have a conclusion around this ever-lingering question of whether or not another child will come into our lives.

In the meantime, more babies are born and more bellies are growing out there. I get news regularly around so-and-so expecting and so-and-so's baby arriving. People who know about my SIF still for the most part remain inconsiderate. Not on purpose, I'm sure. I guess they don't know how to share baby news with me appropriately - or are afraid of getting it wrong. There is no right way to tell an infertile woman about a pregnancy or a birth. There just isn't. All I know is those who have been thoughtful, who have taken the time to acknowledge it is always hard news to hear, have tried their very best to soften the blow - and I'm always grateful when people are that considerate.

Fostering has been on my mind the last few weeks. I guess we wait our year out in the prospective adoptive pool - see what happens by April 2012 - and if nothing happens, then perhaps fostering will become our next option. It feels as though we are meant to have somebody join our family, somehow. I have even offered to care for my half-sister in the upcoming school holidays as she may need a break from some family stresses. She is nine years old. I know my husband and I would be good foster parents. I'm just not sure it is the right thing for our six year old autistic daughter, however.

I have had a few compliments lately around my management of children which is nice. I helped out at our daughters swim safety morning last week and was in the pool with a group of children. A Mum commented how good I was with the kids - reading them individually and not pushing the ones who had less confidence. I also hosted our daughter's sixth birthday party on Sunday. We had nine children here all up and most parents dropped their kids off so I ended up with a line of kids following me around as I organised activities for them all. I do like small groups of children together having a good time - not a classroom full though - that is too many for me. But under 10 kids seems to be a nice size.

I was all amped up to get a second job but am not sure that is the right thing to do right now. I'm okay doing something from home but another job out of the home could complicate life more and life already feels complicated. I want to live a simple life and with working part-time and my commitment to three local non-profit organisations plus motherhood and the ASD side of things - I feel as though life is very structured week to week. I do miss the days of being a fulltime at home Mum. I loved those days of going for strolls and having no set agenda for the day. Perhaps my desire to be a Mum for the second time is partly connected to the lifestyle - as well as the joy of raising another child.

Our daughter is growing up fast. She is now six years old with two missing front teeth. She is making new friends at school this year and becoming more independent. There are still lots of challenges on the ASD side of things. I was proud at how well she did at her birthday party too with eight little friends here for three hours. Also I allowed her to invite any friends she wanted from school so as a consequence had four children come round that haven't been here before - and they all had siblings. I realised when I met the siblings as they came to drop off their sisters or brother (there was just one boy at the party!) with their parents that I must have progressed somewhat with SIF as I was able to ask the names of the siblings - there were three lots of three year olds as well as talk to the Mothers of Two and Three about their children and their different personalities. (Which is something incidentally I always wanted - to witness differences between my two biological children).

I guess when life feels uncertain and Gods plans remain unclear, all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to live One Day At A Time. It seems the answer as to what is next if another child doesn't come into our family isn't here yet. It is still a time of waiting and not second-guessing what God has in store for us. It's just the way it is.

SIF and relationships

It has been another week of feeling triggered on the SIF front. I hate that. I wish I didn't get triggered - I really wish that somehow four and a half years of SIF equated to immunity from all the stuff internally and externally that can set me off. But, no. Although I'm perhaps moving into long-term status as far as SIF goes - most likely going to make it to five years of wanting another addition to our family this September... I can feel as raw as I did all those years ago when we first TTC and my infertility issues were apparent.

Sometimes I feel as though I am really making progress with SIF. I play with a friends second child and think "I can do this." Then a couple of days later someone from the very IF support I started tells me how much her first-born is enjoying the addition of twins to her family and my SIF wounds are wide open. I am happy for this Mum of Three. She did afterall, add to her family via an alternative method and it was not an easy road. But her babies are here. They are real. My second child is still very much in my dreams and in my head...

A couple of days ago our social worker left a message wanting to talk to us about an option we ticked on our paperwork - basically to do with permanent fostering (I'm pretty sure). So I will call her sometime next week about that. It is another option for us - but one both my husband and I are a little wary of. As much I'd love to snap any child up - any age, race, sex etc - I know fostering is very different to adoption and not necessarily the right thing for us. But, I will keep an open mind. I will explore that option. But every option involves a grief of the original dream. Another biological child won't happen for us - and perhaps an adopted child won't either. Fostering is a whole different ball-game and a lot of thought and consideration will have to go into that option.

Our daughter did say to us the other day "Why do you want another baby? I don't!" which was funny at the time. I asked her why she didn't and said "Because it would chew on all my things!" We had a one year old stay with us for four days over the Christmas period and our daughter was not impressed with all the chewing and touching he did. No doubt if another child joins our family various rooms will be shut in the house while our daughter attempts to get l some persona space as this is what she does with the kitten at the moment when she wants a feline time-out.

Today our little family had a day off - a mid-term break in a sense. I had a day off anyway and my husband didn't have any work and I decided our daughter also needed a break from school. So we pottered around this morning and then spent the afternoon in town - to McDonalds for lunch and then a wee look around the shops. It was really nice. I bumped into two friends out with their second children. Friends I don't see much - because they have second children.

I have been thinking a bit lately about friendships and who I am in contact with in my life at the moment. I have some good friends here in Nelson who I can have good heart to heart conversations with. Interesting though that none of those friends have more than one child - they either have grown children, one child - or no children. They are good friends but possibly not forever friends. My three forever friends live outside of Nelson and distance and busy lives means we aren't in contact in a good quality kind of a way very often. I have IF contacts here in Nelson - most are going through primary infertility so I cannot go there completely around secondary infertility as in their eyes I have the child they are all dreaming of. We connect, but there is a careful dance we do that bridges the gap between infertility and secondary infertility.

Although it was the right thing for me to do, to move on from my main SIF online support group (Dailystrength) of three years at the end of last year; it has left a big hole in my emotional life around SIF. I am grateful for the four friends that I met through Dailystrength that I have kept in touch with through Facebook that I can send my blog links too. Three of them have achieved their dreams of adding to their families after years of SIF in three different ways and they are all an inspiration to me. The other friend whose pain no doubt echoes mine while she too attempts to move on the dream of another biological child, is a very special friend from across the miles too. I still belong to RESOLVE and although I haven't been in there for a long time; I may have to consider going into the adoption boards just to have some contact with those in the same boat.

I have just one friend with two children that I see regularly as our daughters are best friends and we used to be neighbours. I can honestly say that I love her second daughter who is the same age - turning four this year - as what our unborn child would have been. Sometimes it is healing having exchanges with this little girl - other times heartbreaking. We have a bond. She is coming to our daughter's sixth birthday party next weekend and we often say she's "like a little sister" to our daughter.

It saddens me that four and a half years of living with a broken dream has affected so many of my relationships. There are some relationships where SIF doesn't come into it - with either work colleagues or friends and family who I don't have deep emotional connections with. But many - I would say most, even - of the people in my circle do know about my SIF as I have tried to be as open as possible about it. This openness varies of course which complicates my interactions with people at times. It can be a selfish condition to have at times (secondary infertility) because when I am triggered I often need a lot of distance from the triggers in my life so this can mean interactions with friends with more than one child can be awkward as I attempt to apply self-preservation.

This ongoing need to apply self-preservation has meant a subtle - and sometimes not so subtle dent to many of my female friendships. I met a lot of mothers when my daughter was born and socialised with them within Mummy circles right up until our daughter was about three and then started backing off as it was at this point that the true extent of my infertility was revealed. I simply found it way too hard to be around groups of women rearing their second or third and fourth-born children. I can be in touch from time to time with some of the women from this era - but for the most part have to keep a wide berth as one sighting of two siblings can send me into a tailspin for a couple of days.

When friendships have topics that need to be edited; they become strained, on a small or large scale. That is simply the way it is. I hate the fact that things could remain this way for years to come - maybe one day the strain will be too much and I will in fact lose some of my treasured friendships with Mums of more than one child because I am not able to overcome my SIF pain. But I have to be true to myself and I do know I am doing everything in my power to carry on with life and to not let SIF get the better of me.

But while we remain the pool of prospective adoptive parents we are in limbo and I am not good with limbo - especially 4.5 years of it! I don't want to be bitter, angry, jealous or jaded - but I am. I still have days when I want to cry to God that it's not fair. Today is one of those. With my daughter turning six in a weeks time I am reminded of another year of my daughter growing up without the sibling I'd hoped she'd have by now. This is major trigger time for someone with SIF - the birthday of the first and only child. Along with Mothers Day and Christmas, birthdays which are meant to be reasons to celebrate, can be bittersweet. When a dream is only half realised - that is, one child came along- but not the second child - there is joy and pain all at once. My gratitude for the child I have is very deep and motherhood is not something I take for granted. Yet this gratitude does not rule out the longing for the second child I had hoped for.

I am afraid that this SIF pain will be a part of me forever - that a part of me will always be broken. I only need to look to the recent quake here in New Zealand to bear witness to the fact that heartbreak and devastation are part of human life. We are emotional creatures with attachments and dreams - we all want our corner of our world to be "just so" and can get our feathers ruffled when things don't go our way. I know life isn't perfect for anyone - even for those who have what I want. I'm not naive.

Perhaps five years from now, when we have our conclusion - either by remaining as we are today, adding to our family via adoption or becoming foster parents - I will have a better perspective. But I don't have that perspective yet. Some days, weeks or even months other focuses in life distract me and it doesn't feel so huge (SIF). But for the most part SIF lives with me each and every day. The truth is I am triggered to varying degrees on a daily basis. I just don't know how to share that with friends who are Mums with more than one child. It is a hard thing to describe and understand; SIF. The less I talk the more friends and family assume I am over it and I'm not -I'm just choosing to speak about it less (mainly in an attempt to carry on with my life) and the bottled up silences cause me pain. I don't like feeling isolated but I do a lot of the time around this part of my life which of course is a big part of who I am and where I'm at. I know I need to go and pray and talk to God for a bit and maybe shed some tears with Him - I will go for a walk alone tonight to allow myself the time and space to do that.

Baby cravings 4.5 years on

My daughter will be six in two weeks time. That means we have now been hoping to add to our family for 4.5 years! - as we started TTC when she was 18 months old. It seems like it's been a very, very long period of time. The desire to have and hold another baby again has never diminished, despite the different seasons of SIF over the years.

Yesterday we had a family swim after our daughter's swimming lesson and we sighted three babies. It is still not foreign to me to want to scoop a baby up and assume baby-care behaviour whenever I see a baby. I'm probably not explaining it well - but sometimes I hear mothers with completed families comment that they cannot imagine going back to the baby years or that they have forgotten what it was like to handle a baby. Not me. Perhaps because we had an unsettled baby and then child (and still do at times) for so many years; I don't find it hard to remember. I suspect there is a part of me that has been just waiting/hanging out for the opportunity to do it all over again. Well, I know there is part of me that wants to do that again. Obviously I have never felt as though I was done and dusted with any aspect of raising a child - I still want to do it again - the baby years, toddler years. preschool years - all of it!

A Mum of Two complained to me this week that looking after her two kids was like groundhog day. Yes, she knows about my SIF. And I get it. Any aspect of life can be mundane. But looking after children - I have never thought that was boring or that I wanted to do something else with my time. I guess I have known for years that I was lucky and blessed to have my daughter - never took motherhood for granted as I suspected somehow - before I knew I was infertile - that she was a very special gift. Of course I get frustrated and tired and challenged like any other mother at times - I also have bad days. But I have never lost sight of how precious a gift it is to raise a child. Never. So I feel like giving Mums a back-handed slap when I hear them grizzling about the two kids (or more) they have in their care. Obviously I am not the woman to whinge to...

I'm on the look-out for a second job that will fit around family life - a second job that will put some money in the bank for travelling to see family that live out of town. It will only be a few hours a week. I have been quite flat in my part-time job of late - there are many challenges there - but I guess I will hang in there for the year while quietly keeping an eye out for other options.

I'm trying to be positive about where things are at in life right now - to think that even though we are in limbo family-wise as we sit in the pool for prospective adoptive parents; we can move forward in other ways. The truth is the hours I work suit family life and my daughter's first years in school. But in a couple of years time perhaps I will look at increasing my work hours if we remain a family of three. But I've had to create some goals for myself once again - as I've had to several times over the years with SIF - so I feel like life is still moving forward. So I'm having a stall in a local market at Easter time which will inspire me to do some more painting. I'm also allocating Friday's to working on my art - writing and painting - and am aiming to give freelance writing a go this year.

I probably sound like I am all over the place and I am a little bit. Still a bit shaken post-earthquake here in New Zealand. Even though it wasn't something I felt or was directly affected by it has affected as nationally as a country big-time. It is the first disaster we have had in this country that has resulted in a national state of emergency. It's big. And I know it's a time of feeling grateful for what we have in life - and I do...but at the same time, I feel my SIF wounds are wide open as it only reinforces what I've always believed and felt - that life is about family and the relationships we make. Who gives a shit about all that material stuff. Not me. Our family still feels incomplete. I cannot shake the feeling - no matter what angle I look at things from.