Accepting my lot

So life is a bit full-on right now. But I'm just taking it all One Day At A Time. It seems to be a time of emotional growth and healing - a time of getting things in perspective.

The green-eyed monster struck at work on Sunday when a Dr from the medical centre I go to came in with her two little girls. I just felt so envious of this Mum and angry with God that my dream didn't happen easily for me. I still get jealous of MOTs, still have SIF grief but I am no longer consumed by what I don't have. God has made sure there is so much going on right now that my mind doesn't have time to go there too much at all. So it was interesting that those SIF feelings flared up in the weekend.

SIF has led me to some pastures I wasn't expecting to be in. I thought accepting my SIF would mean these new pastures would be greener - but they aren't. It is more obvious as time goes how my desire for a second child was hiding a multitude of sins as such. I am digging deep and know things will be brighter in the future. I still have some hard yards to go.

I just started reading this book A Small Part Of Me by Noelle Harrison. It's a nice light read. Just a few chapters into the book the character Greta says:

I can see a red fox darting across the field, a flash of colour against the white sky. Last night I heard her howl, making her love call. I could recognise that desperation, its piercing shrill, the need to create, to be a mother again.

I had begun to think that we would never have another child.

It was so nice to read it documented in a book. That that pining for another child is so real, and so natural. Us SI's should never undermine what a traumatic experience SIF is.

Where I'm at is my lot in life looks quite different to what I might had hoped. The SIF deal was just part of it. However there is the opportunity to improve some of these other aspects of my life. That's the thing - no matter how hard I tried and pined - my yearning for another child wasn't something I could change. Yet I can change elements of my life. I am not completely powerless over it all.

I'm tired, quite highly-strung and a bit all over the place at the moment. I'm week three coming off the happy pills and am experiencing the same symptoms I had when I first went on them - headaches, dizziness and a bit of nausea.

There have been a lot of tears and when I think about it, there weren't many tears for a few months when I was on the happy pills. So I suppose they worked. Yet a good cry is cleansing and a good release so I'm not sure suppressing my feelings for all those months was that good. Sure being on the happy pills while having some counselling did set me free somehow - free to start sifting through some more issues!

It might all sound a bit morbid but I am okay. I am feeling stronger and more in tune with myself and my needs and desires. There is some good stuff churning away.