I made a decision

I made a decision today. I cancelled the appointment with the infertility specialist for next week. This is the appointment that took many, many months to get. The appointment I waited for a very long for. The appointment that may have shed some light as to what has been going on with my body for the last two and a half years.

I discussed it with my husband last night and he wasn't so certain the appointment was going to help much. I had been thinking the same. Financially we are restricted - we cannot do IVF for example although I don't even know if I would be a candidate.

All the specialist may have offered me would have probably been some monitoring around my cycles. Yet all I would have ended up with would have been yet more results - results I wouldn't be able to do anything about i.e: my eggs are either good or bad, aren't they. Nothing can change that.

So I felt some relief today when I cancelled my appointment. The receptionist did say I could reschedule if I wanted to. AF arrived today - on day 29. This is my fourth regular cycle in a row and AFs arrival this morning kind of confirmed for me that my body is just doing what it's doing.

Yes I had hoped I was pregnant this cycle. There was fertile mucus. I had sore boobs for a good week - and still do. But it seems I can no longer read my body. I just have all these hormonal symptoms going on yet I cannot decipher them anymore. I feel out of touch with a big part of me and once I knew my body so well. It feels strange being clueless about what's going on.

I went and got some more of my herbs today. I figure the herbs are what (I believe) helped my periods start again. So I'm going to stick to those. To be honest I really wasn't keen to see a specialist and to be under pressure to do the deed around the time of ovulation. Or worse, I didn't want to find out I'm not ovulating - not the black and white proof anyway.

I have to keep trusting God. Sure I have had a little emotional backlash around cancelling the appointment with the specialist today. But the reality is we cannot afford it. My husband's hours at work are very dodgy right now. We are struggling to get by. It would have been really unfair of me to go ahead and pay for $210NZ for a consult that was no doubt the beginning of many consults.

I don't know. I don't want to upset myself too much about it. I do figure if God really wanted me to be pregnant then He would orchestrate things so that it would happen. When my daughter turns four later this month, it would have been two and a half years of yearning for a baby. Some Mums I know have had not only their second child, but their third child in the time I've been sitting in no-mans land. I just feel like I missed the boat. The older my daughter gets, the more it feels like that. I so wanted to be on the boat but for some reason I wasn't.

I'm getting better at looking at the bigger picture. SIF is just one part of our lives. Our financial situation and our daughter's ASD are the main focuses right now. I just want something good to happen! It feels like life has been serious for way too long - too many worries! I'm looking forward to our daughter's party next weekend. I love hosting parties for her. And every year she gets older and it looks like another child is unlikely; I feel so blessed and lucky for the one I have.

This post feels a bit solemn but I suppose it's been a bit of an emotional time letting go of the baby number two dream once again - and letting go of the need to know what's going on. I don't know what my body is doing, if we will be parents again and when that may possibly happen. I'm still living in the unknown. But getting better at it over time.