But for the Grace of God, Go I

It's been a time of self-examination that has brought up lots of stuff for me of late. As time goes on, it is obvious that there were other issues lying beneath SIF. But I am dealing with them and facing them. I feel immense spiritual and emotional growth is going on and I know - just know - I will be rewarded for pushing through my pain and turning it around.

I have been thinking that we all get hard times in life. Perhaps because those of us who are TTC are typically under forty - maybe forty-five - we are still only half-way through our lives. It could be possible for some that IF or SIF might be the first ever personal crisis they ever dealt with.

Personally SIF wasn't my first personal crisis - but it has proven to have cut just as deeply as what I believe was my first "rock-bottom" in life. But as per my last crisis, I can see and feel that there is a silver lining amongst it all.

Next week my husband and I start marriage counselling. One of the biggest affects of SIF has been on me and my relationships. I have been a people-pleaser most of my life and am so over that. I feel a much stronger, more decisive woman emerging from the uncertain, miserable waters of SIF. I know what I want. It's like my whole life was literally tipped upside down and I've been looking at everything objectively. I feel I am being given an opportunity to regroup with myself and effectively those around me.

I've had some tears around other people's babies arriving lately. In two weeks time we are heading up North to catch up with my husband's side of the family, his home-town friends and one of my really good friends. We will be staying with some MOTs and I am a bit apprehensive about that but at the same time am accepting of any feelings that may come up.

In the background we are going through with our adoption plans. Today I went for my "medical" which was really just some form-filling which is part of the application for adoption assessment. Some of the questions were a bit full-on and my Dr was surprised by them (we're obviously her first candidates for adoption) yet I said to her I understood why they needed to be so thorough and so searching.

On work on Sunday a couple popped their newborn in a car capsule by the counter I'm stationed at. I just wanted to take the baby home and eat it up (not literally, of couse!) I have no doubt that I wouldn't have a problem bonding with a child that wasn't biologically mine. But at this stage I so know the focus is about my husband and I. I feel we are meant to let go of all the outside pressures and concentrate on us. I've been looking for work but nothing has eventuated. I am keeping an eye out (for work) but figure perhaps we are just meant to carry on right now. Maybe once we get our marriage back on track/in a better place perhaps the other stuff will fall into place.

I also think I have perhaps been trying too hard to fix what feels broken around me - my daughter (with her ASD), our financial situation and my marriage. I'm craving time to just be still and be with God and figure my life is going to just go the way it's going - regardless on how much I try to force it to be different.

A little irk of mine of late is those who have "conquered" IF/SIF telling me what they perceive to be "the magic formula" for conceiving. I still to this day think there isn't one!! God is going to deliver a baby regardless of what was done to "get" a baby. Sure, some lessons may need to be learnt/the timing might be a bit longer than hoped for but a baby is not a guaranteed outcome when battling infertility.

Another irk is those who think adoption is the answer for us. Maybe it is partly - we could end up with another child. But it would never take away the heartache of SIF. Never. I am finding going through the adoption process that my SIF stuff is getting stirred up. Although it's an amazing option - it comes with heartbreak. I am just being honest.

I guess I am feeling that some out there think I should be well and truly over all this crap by now. And yep, I have moved on heaps - I am in a much better space. But I still mourn pregnancy/childbirth/having another biological child. My grief is there in the background sometimes whispering softly, sometimes screaming loudly.