In Deep Despair

It has been a very hard few days of SIF hell. What do I mean by SIF hell? Being stuck in my grief - the rawness of it all, the feeling that I will never feel okay that I lost my fertility, and feeling as though time is standing still.

My hormones are all over the place. The lows are unbearable. I got a couple of books out of the library this week about early menopause. For so long health professionals have tried to deny that I'm in perimenopause and have tried to explain my hormonal imbalance as a result of extreme stress. I'm not sure I buy that. That puts too much pressure on me - like it's my fault that my body is not doing what it's meant to be doing.

Stuff them, I am acting and thinking as if I am in perimenopause/early menopause as everything I read supports this idea. I have all the symptoms. The latest scary symptom is suicidal thoughts. I think when you've hit so many lows, over such a long period of time, it is just where you might possibly end up. The books I have out of the library support the fact that some women do go through a deep depression when in early menopause or perimenopause. It's a combination of dealing with raging hormones and in some cases (like mine) grief around losing ones fertility and also womanhood.

We had our fourth marriage counselling session last night. Some healing is taking place between us. I had an enormous cry. There is so, so much grief around not being able to have another biological child. I think I should be - and want to be - much further along in my grief than I actually am. The truth is I will be living with this grief for the rest of my life - it is a very, very deep wound. It is always nice to be met in your grief like I was with the counsellor last night. The last counsellor I had wanted to propel me into a place where I could manage my grief. Which I did for quite some time, with the help of anti-depressants (for six months).

Now the rawness of my grief is right on top right again. It frustrates the hell out of me that I cannot explain or share the extent of my grief with others. It would have to be one of the biggest forms of grief I have dealt with in my whole life.

I continue to try to be as gentle and kind to myself as possible. This week the gym work-outs don't seem to be taking the edge off. I feel as though I just want to hide in bed and cry and cry. I don't want to be in this space - faced with the intensity of my grief but it's just where I'm at.