I've learnt a few things

I just got back today from eleven nights away with my daughter at my Mum's holiday home. My Mum was there plus my sister and niece who live in Australia. We don't get to see each other very often so it was nice to just hang out together and to do a few activities in the region.

What I probably enjoyed most about the break was the opportunity to take some time out of our domestic life to have the space to heal from SIF. I think I have been craving some "me time" for a while so it seemed to be just what I needed. Although I was still looking after my daughter, I did manage to have a few walks alone on the beach and some quiet moments just reading my book. Basically I was able to just "be".

The setting out at my Mum's holiday home is just breath-taking - I never tire of it. It is by the sea - a rugged kind of setting with a stony beach. I find it very easy to access the God of my understanding there and have done so on numerous occasions over the years.

Post-SIF it seemed I have had a lot of stuff to let go of. But what surprised me is how when I went for some walks on the beach I felt light, free, at peace and very connected to God. On the first walk I thought I must have just been in a very good space. Yet on all the walks I went on out there - four all up - I felt a very strong connection to God and somehow the last three years made sense to me, in a I-don't-need-to-know-why-it-happened kind of a way. I guess I will be able to tell in time how long-lasting this peace-filled phase will last; but it felt as though I had some kind of spiritual awakening out there on the beach as I let go of a lot of the SIF angst and grief from the last three years.

While away I also went to my second counselling session which was great. It is really helping me get some things into perspective and to walk a little faster away from SIF. I am seeing more and more the gifts that have come as a consequence of SIF. They weren't gifts I asked for, that is sure. They are the kind of gifts that come from pain. Post-SIF I can see how more resilient, sure of myself, at peace, strong, healed and powerful I am. Through counselling I can see that although I didn't enjoy it at the time; I had to go through SIF mainly alone. There are simply some things in life that we go through that cannot be walked by others. It is in these times that we find ourselves - even if we feel lost and lonely in the process.

I have just finished reading Marian Keyes book Angels while away. Miscarriage is part of the story and as a consequence there is a marriage breakdown. Of course it is all written in a witty way with Marian Keyes as the author; but I was struck at how timely it was that I was reading this book when dealing with some of my own confusion. However in the course of eleven days or so I seem to have done a bit of a turnaround. Amazingly, some of the disappointments and expectations I felt just some time ago have shifted. I do believe it was a God-thing. Like somehow on that first walk that I went on on the beach when away; God took some of my SIF emotional baggage away . I have also been working the twelve steps around SIF and have been on Step 8/9 which is all about forgiveness/making amends.

I have learnt so much post-SIF - and am still gaining insights into this big thing that I went through in my life. I have learnt that I need to speak up more - to communicate my needs to others. I have learnt that God is my best friend and I can go through some pretty big stuff with just Him by side. I have learnt that my friends and family really did the best they could during SIF and will probably never understand how big a deal/how life-changing it was for me and that's okay. Me and God know and that's enough (plus a few friends online!). I have learnt that light times follow dark times and things can only get better after enduring long-term emotional hardship.

I have learnt that I have a great marriage and SIF skewed my perspective for a while. But I needed some time to regroup, reflect and reassess after going through a personal crisis. I wasn't committed to my marriage for a while as I lost me for a while and didn't know what I wanted. I need to communicate all this to my husband and believe I finally have the strength, courage and perspective to do so now.

I have learnt that pain is indeed part of life and sometimes I cannot do much at all for others when going through their own trials and tribulations except pray for them. I have learnt that being imperfect is okay - I'm learning to love my infertile-self even though I have felt let-down by my body for some time.

I'm sure there are more lessons to be revealed post-SIF. I just am so glad to be feeling "happy, joyous and free" (to use a recovery expression). I guess I am just moving forward and see the next step for us as buying a house. I am feeling a lot more settled in my new job now and feel as though 2010 will be a good year for us. I'm looking forward to picking up the adoption process again in June but until then am focused on improving communication on the martial-front, getting a home loan/buying a house and settling my daughter into school (she starts in just over seven weeks!) I also want to start painting and writing again. Life is good! What a turnaroud! I was in such angst just a couple of weeks ago. Amazing what a holiday/change of scene/fresh air can do!