Reclaiming my femininity

A big part of SIF for me has been about losing my femininity. Losing an ovary and my fertility has equated to a big loss of my sense of self and my identity as a woman. I have been thinking how infertility for a woman has to have some parallels to having a mastecromy as a result of breast cancer. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a breast - or even two breasts. Yet I do know what it feels like to lose a big part of my womanhood as a consequence of SIF.

I've decided to look after myself the best way I know how thus far in 2010 as far as improving my self-worth as a woman goes. For one I have had an underwear upgrade and will now only buy underwear I feel good in. My old underwear that makes me feel quite unsexy will be used for gym-works only (!) I got some lingerie as well - something I don't normally bother with. But I feel I need an extra-boost to feel good as a woman again.

On New Years Eve I went and got my hair highlighted. For the last few months it has been a block dark-brown colour and it just didn't feel like "me". So I've gone back to a colour I know suits me and is more my natural colour and am going to keep my hair a little longer for now. Being able to tie my hair back helps me to feel a bit more girly.

I have also been through my wardrobe and thrown away a couple of ripped pairs of jeans. I've sorted my clothes out so they are in sections and have realised just how many dresses I have. I've been wearing them a bit this Summer so far and have been enjoying wearing frocks. Also I have put on a wee amount of weight over the Christmas break so they fit better than jeans at this point! ;)

I had a clean-out of my jewellery drawer - I threw out all the unmatching earrings and have enjoyed starting to wear some of my jewellery again. I'm not a diamonds kind of a girl - my jewellery is more along the lines of funky/unusual jewellery that I've picked up here and there. I've been enjoying "playing girls" with my outfits of late.

What I'm getting at is SIF has caused me to feel a lot older than I am - and almost asexual. But I have always been young-at-heart with my own sense of style so I am enjoying rediscovering that about myself again. Getting my new job towards the end of last year resulted in me buying some new clothes and so I have been dressing more as a working-Mum rather than an at-home Mum lately.

I do have to put the effort into feeling good about myself as this affects how I feel within my marriage and obviously carries into intimacy and other areas.

I had my first counselling session (this time round!) on Tuesday. It was good. It was confronting - and has given me a lot of food for thought - but it is something I feel I need to go through at this point in time. My counsellor started mapping my family of origin stuff and as I suspected - some of the emotional stuff that is right up there right now is old stuff that has been triggered as a consequence of SIF. I'm confused around what is what at this point - what is my stuff from the past - and what is stuff from the present. So it is certainly a good thing that I am sorting that out right now. I think I have felt stuck post-SIF for a while and now I feel as though I am moving somewhere.

Last night I went out for a cuppa with two of the women from the IF support group I've started up. It is so rewarding to hear how much they value the group. They are still at the stage of going through procedures so I feel like I am quite a different place to them. It was certainly a group that was needed in this town and this year I will advertise/promote the group a bit more to health professionals.

Over the next couple of days I will be getting my file ready to send to the fertility specialist I am seeing mid-February (to seek answers/closure around my SIF). It feels as though I am tying up some loose-ends with my SIF and that feels good.

My holidays are coming to an end soon - I will be back at work on Wednesday after about three and a half weeks off, though I went back to my Sunday job this Sunday gone. My daughter and I will be staying out at my Mum's holiday home for almost two weeks as of Tuesday as my Mum, sister and niece will all be there (we are a scattered family, living through-out NZ/OZ). It will be good to be out there and works out well as my Mum and sister will be able to help look after my daughter when I go to work.

I'm in a pretty good space at the moment. I do have some unsettling inner-conflicts that I am living with that I am working out via counselling but all in all I feel okay. I feel the winds of change touching on my life but I'm not sure where exactly I am being led. More will be revealed in time.