Will the real "me" please stand up!

Going through SIF and facing early menopause has been a huge identity crisis for me. There is so much to unravel and to reconcile - I just don't know who I am anymore.

SIF took away my hopes and dreams. I cannot seem to "think big" much at all these days. I cannot see the point in asking for my hearts desire at the moment only to have it taken away again. In fact, I seem to have no dreams of my own in the pipeline anymore and that makes me feel really sad. Why? Because I always used to be such a dreamer - always thinking of new adventures and full of lots of creative pursuits I wanted to do. I was the organiser of fun events - the one friends often relied on to get people together. I used to be witty - I used to have the ability to make just about anybody smile. I used to have an energy within me that sparked me from one thing to the next. I used to be very much alive.

These days I feel as though SIF and early menopause have taken away my zest for life, my sense of humour, my creativity, my sense of fun and adventure - and the ability to connect with a lot of people.

I feel as though I am a shell of the person I used to be. I feel boring, unstable, too introspective, unsocial and withdrawn. I am flat as a pancake a lot of the time. My world has shrunk considerably to allow for my low energy levels. It is just where I am at yet I find myself missing the old me. Will I ever find her again? Or has she being lost forever in the storm that swept through that was SIF/early menopause? I feel like a different person and I am finding hard to make friends with myself - I feel like a stranger to myself, as absurd as that sounds.

All I can do is to continue to take it all one day at a time. I am reading up about early menopause and may possibly need to look at replacing the hormones that I know I don't have right now - hormones all women need for their general well-being. I have also been researching on the net about ovarian torsion as five years on, I really need to know what happened to my body. Until this week I did not know that twisted ovaries can be untwisted if gotten too soon enough. I thought they twisted and that was it - end of story. But a twisted ovary can be saved. If the pain/symptoms go on too long (it was three weeks for me) - then the ovary is cut off from the blood supply and "dies". The "ramifications are infertility".

So I am hurt and angry that five years ago my ovary could have been rescued if I'd had the right medical attention. Nobody knew what was wrong with me despite that fact I was 37 weeks pregnant and vomiting green bile. My midwife and nurses just scratched their heads in confusion. Apparently 20% of ovarian torsions happen in pregnancy. The gyno at the hospital discounted ovarian torsion because I "wasn't in enough pain." If she'd taken me seriously perhaps my ovary might have been saved and I might be still fertile. It's a long-shot - but I am allowing myself to ponder that thought.

If there are ramafications for infertility after a twisted ovary is removed, then why wasn't I directed to the right help - as in relevant blood tests when I tried to conceive? I could have saved myself three and a half years of heartbreak if I had known right then and there that I was infertile.

It is a hard long road making peace with all that has happened. I feel as though I have never been looked after appropriately medically through-out my whole SIF journey. I am still waiting for the letter from the infertility specialist that supposedly will put the pieces of the last three and a half years together.

There is a lot going on emotionally and I am just trying to filter through it all to work out who the real me is at this time. Underneath the grief of SIF, the reconciling of the last three and a half years and the menopausal symptoms I am learning to live with - there is a person I used to know. I know she has changed; but I do hope I see her again in some form.

Stuck in reverse

I have had a hard week. I guess I am just sick and tired of feeling - sick and tired and try as I might, I just can't seem to move far past the overwhelming grief of SIF and the deep loss I feel as a woman going through early menopause.

I posted this song - Fix You by Coldplay a few months back. It's where I feel I sit sometimes in this journey and it isn't where I want to be. The first few versus really ring true for me right now:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...


Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

When I need a cry - like I do right now - this song gets me going everytime. I really feel stuck in reverse and seem to have no choice but to be here right now. But this song reassures me that I am just where I am.

It's not all about me

I've come to realise lately that this campaign of mine to add to our family all these years has mostly been a selfish one. It's been about me, me, me (!)and the huge gaping hole I felt existed somewhere inside that needed a baby oh-so desperately to feel complete. I am not discounting the fact that my feelings have been very real - because they were - and they are. But I am beginning to see that my perspective is slightly skewed in that it has been all about me - and not my family.

As we get further into the adoption process, it is becoming more clear that some sacrifices will be made in our lives to add to our family. Mainly it will be a financial one - just as we are making progress in our lives on that front now that we have a school-age child (and I'm not a full-time at-home Mum), we will take a step backwards to accommodate another child in our lives. This will impact all of us.

Our daughter, with her ASD, has thrived as an only-child. Her needs are greater than that of the average child and that has been exhausting at times. Yet we've been able to manage meeting her needs since there are two of us to carry the load and to give her our undivided attention. I do know deep down inside that our daughter has benefited from having her parents to herself. People have commented about that along the way, which has of course irked me within my SIF journey! But of course it's okay if this insight comes from me! ;)

I know with another addition in the family we will be restricted in some ways and I have to be real about that as I consider this as a family decision -or at least a martial decision - and not just my decision. Adopting a child will change our lives in several ways and I just want to acknowledge that rather than assuming and pushing that this option should go ahead just to satisfy my maternal longings.

I think I am in a space of accepting that I will be okay living the rest of my life with"empty arms"; if that is the way things pan out. I have allowed myself some time to be and heal post-SIF and I think the healing has been going on. I feel so far removed from that TTC chapter of my life. I will probably never look at a pregnant belly and just see a pregnant belly - I think I will always be reminded of what wasn't. But the pain will lessen as the years go by. I do think that.

I feel I am really surrendering this over to God right now. He is the one with the plan. All I can do is the footwork and then leave the rest - the outcome to him. I know this is my path and I feel much more content when I accept it rather than fight it. I am tired of looking backwards at what didn't happen. But at the same time I don't want to look too far forward either as that also does my head in. So I am staying in the present - as best as I know how. I am choosing to stay in today rather than run from it or to fear it. It takes courage and patience to live within the unknown yet in doing that, true acceptance and peace can be found.

Every other week my daughter seems to ask about another addition to the family. One morning recently during cuddles in bed she asked me if I wanted another child. I said that would nice and left it at that. Later on she was cutting out photos from a magazine and she gave me a pile of her cutouts - they were all of mothers and babies! She also cut out some words (and she is only just beginning to learn to read) - and they had the words adoption on them. Go figure. The universe sends us messages in all sorts of ways. I'm not saying this will even work out - that we will be picked by a birth family -but we do need to try. We need to be in the running, at least. And I just want to do this for my family - not just for me.

The adoption process scares me in the respect that we are putting ourselves through this - and we may never get picked by a birth family. But it also scares me in the respect that we might get picked. We are going through an adoption process that is pretty informative but there are still many unknowns.

It seems the best way for me to keep healing from SIF is to stay close to God and allow the time and space to heal. I am continuing to surround myself with those who can support and encourage me. I do have to say I made a leap forward recently when I invited a family of six around for afternoon tea. Our friends, who we haven't seen for ages, have four boys aged between 2 and 9 years old. I told the Mum that we couldn't have any more children and were looking into adoption. She seemed to understand that there would need to be some space between accepting the news and exploring other options. Every time I tell my story; I feel a little more healed. I've also invited a family with three children around one weekend. I have kept my distance from families with two or more children for a good couple of years. It still hurts to see families of two, three and four - but I cannot hide from friends and family forever.

Being gentle with myself

I just went for a lovely serene walk on the beach after I dropped my daughter off at school. It is Thursday and I have the morning off and I have the whole day off tomorrow as well. I am adapting to this new phase in my life where I'm a part-time working Mum with a child at school. I have to say I rather enjoy the work-life balance of working Monday - Wednesday 9 - 1pm with Thursday and Fridays off and then the whole weekend for family time.

My daughter with her ASD (autism spectrum disorder) isn't in school full-time. She does three full days a week but has two afternoons off school a week as she seems to need the downtime. I have to say as a Mum of one; I don't mind the fact that I get to take her out of school a couple of times a week! In fact, I took her out early yesterday as she is at the tail-end of a cold and was just plain exhausted. The school is supportive of her leaving early when she needs to.

I am really enjoying my Thursday and Fridays off where I can come home and just "be." I am trying to lead a much simplier life these days and do relish being at home and having our home to myself. It feels kinda selfish - but it feels really good! It is the next stage in my healing essentially - finding peace within the aftermath of SIF.

I feel close to God these days and I am really trying to make time to listen to Him. Not to just talk! ;) (or beg!) I have been doing Bodybalance twice a week at the gym which is a Yoga/Tai Chi/Pilates class. I go for walks when I can. And I do a gentle workout at the gym with low-intensity cardio followed by weights a couple of times a week which feels like the right kind of work-out for me at this point in time. Up until two months ago I was doing RPM classes and other cardio-based group fitness classes. I needed to do those as a way of coping with my SIF emotions. But I am in a different space now. I feel being gentle with myself is the way to go. It is a time of healing; accepting, forgiving and reconciling my SIF journey in mind, body and soul.

A couple of nights ago I sat down with my husband and we filled out the financial papers for the adoption process. I have done my part for the paperwork around work history/extended family/etc. I have passed on the papers to my husband to fill out his part - and have to be patient and let him do it in his own time! Now that I have finally filled the forms out; I am keen to post them off and resume the rest of the adoption process. But my husband needs to do the paperwork in his own time. There is no big rush - we can just send it off when it's done.

There was a bit of an "oh-o" moment when we were filling out the financial papers. It was looking as though we had barely any disposal income at one point. I thought our adoption plans were going to have to be halted then and there. But on closer examination; there is a little more money to work with than what we'd thought.

Still, we do lead a very modest life. Yet that is us. If we wanted a life that had more material possessions and things in it; then we'd be living a very different life and one that wasn't us. I have had some big awarenesses around adoption - particularly around letting go of that desperation to have another baby. We cannot change our lives if we are true to ourselves to be any different. So we just are who we are. I am past trying to bend backwards to get another child in our lives. I think we have a great life - the three of us - which we have worked hard to set up. It cannot be changed to appeal more adoption-wise; it just is what it is.

I am working the maximum number of hours a week I am prepared to work with a child on the autistic spectrum who may need to be pulled out of school from time to time. We have a mortgage that requires one full-time and one part-time income. We made a committment to this house which we all love but financially we cannot take a drop in income. This has meant I've had to think very carefully about how another baby would fit into our lives. I need to investigate further; but at this point it is looking as though either I or my husband could take paternity leave for a few months but our potential adopted baby might go into childcare around six months old for a few mornings a week so I could work. Not ideal but this is our reality. We had to carry on with our lives and make the decision to buy a house with or without another child in the equation. It feels as though this is where we are all meant to be - in this house. Ultimately God will judge whether or not we are the right fit with a birth family out there.

There has been lots to think about in regards to open adoption. But I think even within my blog I might have to refrain from exposing those thoughts as I have been getting feedback which I'm not sure I feel comfortable with. I guess it is easy to forget that this blog is like an online journal. But really this is simply the place I write everything - and I mean everything I feel about SIF! But because we are looking at adopting in New Zealand and most of my readers are from other countries; I do think there are some differing views of what open adoption means. There are just under 4 million people in New Zealand. It's a small country where the degrees of separation are very small. Apparently in one closed adoption years ago the adopted child ended up living next to it's birth family!

All in all, I'm okay with open adoption and wouldn't proceed with adoption if it didn't feel right for us. We - my husband and I - are just getting our heads around it. It is probably a very private process between the two of us that I perhaps should edit a bit more. All I'm saying is people have opinions - which they are entitled too when you are writing openly in cyberspace - but I'm a little vulnerable around the adoption process right now so need to be careful how much I reveal even here.

I had a phone-call from the SIF woman in my IF group last night. We are going to meet for coffee next week. Finally! - after all these years I have someone to talk to about SIF. Ironically, I feel as though I am going through a phase of not wanting to talk about it much! I am craving peace and serenity right now and the best way to do that for me is to have lots of quiet time with myself and God. Still, it seems God has put this woman in my path alongside the one who has adopted/fostered locally as women who have moved past SIF and are either investigating alternate options or have come out on the other side of it all. It feels as though God is giving me a gentle push (that sometimes feels like a shove!!) to keep going with it all - as in, to keep moving forward with the adoption process. So that's what I am doing.

Finding peace with what is - and letting go of what isn't

I seem to be emerging out of the intense grief I have been in for the last three or so weeks. It could even be a month, I really don't know. I guess I pretty much got myself out of the place I had been on the verge of wallowing in, simply because I was sick of being there! Mother's Day just gone I spent the day in a lot of self-pity. Then I turned things round and allowed my husband and daughter to buy me some plants for our new house. Up to that point; I wasn't feeling like such of a mother and just wanted to forget the whole day.

But celebrating it, even on a small scale helped shift things for me. I picked out a planted pink rose that sits in the kitchen that reminds me everyday of motherhood - what I have - and more than that - what is (as opposed to what isn't).

Also on Mother's Day I started to fill out the adoption papers that we need to send off to kick-start the adoption process again. Interestingly, I had filled out more of those than I thought when we stopped proceedings.

I am in an interesting place in regards to adoption. I am questioning if it is the right thing for me - and for us as a family. In this country, New Zealand, open adoption is encouraged. It is not compulsory but it is pretty much stated that if you choose a closed adoption; your chances of being picked by a birth family are minimised.

I can see the benefits for the adopted child in having an open adoption - which by the way, can be as simple as the child just knowing they are adopted and what their birth parents names are. Or it can be at the other extreme where the birth parent/s come round for home visits and really are like an extension to the family. I'm all for it as I have a good friend who is an adopted adult child who has recently sought her birth family after growing up with a closed adoption. I do know the problems a closed adoption can bring. It makes lots of sense to me to have an open adoption and I think it's great all those involved in the adoption triad are given the opportunity to know each other as much as they care to.

However, as a Mum of a biological cbild, I am grappling with "sharing" a child as such with another family. Our little family leads quite a quiet little life, all in all. We are not overly social - we are all quite happy just hanging at home with the odd visitor here and there. At this point in time I cannot imagine a birth family in our lives. Our families all live outside of the town we are living in - we barely see them!

When I caught up with the woman who has adopted/fostered locally recently she said she didn't like the thought of open adoption either. But when she met the birth Mum; a connection was formed and it all kind of fell into place. Other adoptive parents on the panel at the Education and Preparation programme we did last year echoed the same thing - that there is a kind of natural chemistry between the adopted and birth families - at the end of the day, everyone just wants what is best for the child and contact is naturally established.

In letting go of what isn't (going to be) - another biological child - I've had to let go of that somewhat selfish desire to have another child for my own needs. Adoption is so very different. It is about putting the child first - and possibly taking on board another family in an open adoption.

We went to a fifth birthday party last weekend - for the daughter of the adult adopted friend of mine. Her sister is her Mum's biological child. So, if an adoption worked out for us - that could be our family years from now - one adopted sister and one biological sister at a birthday party. The only difference was, in an open adoption the adopted child's birth parent/s could be there - plus possibly the extended family connected to the birth family. As we learnt on our adoption course; there are grandparents, Aunts and Uncles that are connected to the adopted child that may want to be part of the adopted child's life too.

It is all a bit mind-blowing. I'm just taking it all one day at a time. We will continue with the adoption process but may find that at some point it isn't for us. I'm okay with that too. I know God will guide us and we'll know if it is the right thing for us or not.

I am in a space of adjusting to life as it stands today. My daughter is settling into school and I'm trying my best to adjust - to adapt to life as a Mum of a school-child. I am giving myself the space I need - time to just "be" at home in the silence to allow myself to accept this new phase. I think I am getting there. It is very much like adjusting to being single after a relationship break-up. It is taking me a little while to get used to my own company again. I do enjoy quiet times to myself, don't get me wrong, but I am adapting to life at home without a child around at some points in the day/week - especially when I had thought and hoped for so long that there would be a baby or toddler following me around the house when my daughter was at school.

I bought a book when I was in Wellington called Mind Over Menopause. It was an act of self-acceptance buying that book and I have been reading it every night. It's all about managing menopausal symptoms without HRT - basically using self-care and stress management. It's just what I needed as far as information goes. I'm finding I am having to simplify life as much as possible. I am slowing down, and having early nights and it seems to be helping. I am a menopausal woman with one child. I am slowly starting to fit into my skin again after fighting where I was in life for so long.

Adoption is the ONLY option for us

I had a coffee yesterday afternoon with the woman who has adopted and fostered locally. It was good. She was very honest, open and forthcoming. But as I suspected - adoption is not a box of fluffies. It comes with a whole heap of issues and there is no escaping them. It is simply part of the adoption triad (the birth family, the adoptive family and the adopted child).

There is a nagging feeling within me to keep going with the adoption process even though it is a hard option to pursue. It is breaking my heart to let go of our dreams to have another biological child. I loved, loved being pregnant. Perhaps I knew way back when - way back before there was any hint that infertility was on the horizon - that my one and only full-term pregnancy was an experience I should relish. Because I did. I can honestly say that I was blown away by the wonder of it all. The symptoms, my growing belly - a life growing within me that we created. It was absolutely miraculous.

No wonder I wanted to do it all again. Because my daughter was delivered via an emergency c-section - and I had a general - I didn't experience labour. I feel so incredibly ripped off about that. Perhaps part of wanting another biological child was the hope that I could go through labour.

Breastfeeding has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. Without a doubt; that act bonded my daughter and I so very deeply. I still wake up in the night sometimes a few seconds ahead of her stirring - I seem to be in so tune with her needs day and night.

Facing the adoption process as the only option to add to our family has not been an easy process for me. To let go of all those things that I cherished: pregnancy and breastfeeding has been a difficult thing to do. I'm not sure I will ever completely get over the pain of having a redundant uterus as such. I am certain I am grieving my reproductive loss in mind, body and soul - the grief runs so very, very deep.

Yet the other day as I cringed inwardly as tribes of Mums of Many traipsed past this Mum of One in the school- yard I heard God tell me in a rather confrontive way that I could either continue to cry about all the baby, sibling and bumps sightings; or I could do something about it and continue with the adoption process.

Sigh. So that is what I will do. The woman I had coffee with re: adoption/fostering said she really didn't enjoy the adoption process much at all and that is why she ended up fostering so she didn't have to go through it again. It sounded as although it has taken her years to heal - that she has made peace with her situation, but her IF scars are still there. Holding a baby in her arms that was hers was incredible, she said. That certainly elimnated some of the pain. But I think IF is with her for life as I fear it will be with me. It has taken me a while to accept that - I had hoped it was a pain that I would eventually move past/get over.

Through-out the aftermath of SIF I have come to realise and accept on some level that life does come with the unexpected. We all think tragedies shouldn't happen to us. But are we just a little naive in the Western world, thinking that it's all about 2.4 kids, the house and the white picket fence? When we don't fit the mold we feel as though something is wrong with us and that we don't belong.

Yet I have read some books over the last few months c/- the book club I go to that have challenged these beliefs. In third world countries where tragedy is a part of everyday life; expectations are low. Children die and families are separated because of circumstances. That is the norm in these parts of the world. The grief is shared openly and honestly - and then families move on, operating the best they can with what they have.

Tragically, a friend of my mum's granddaughter died over a week ago. She was two years old. It is very, very sad. Everyone is so shocked. But I'm not. Sure, I'm shocked that a young life ended too soon and all that. But I am not shocked that an unexpected tragedy has occurred. That is just the way life goes. Post-SIF I feel as though nothing will shock me in life anymore. Perhaps I have become cynical. But I think loss and grief are just part of life - we will never know when we will face a tragedy in our lives - but we will all have to face something sooner or later. I feel as though I have lost my own biological child - and no one else will ever see it that way. It still hurts that the sympathy is virtually nill. But I too should have a two year old right now that has been buried in my mind several times over.

Somehow I am letting go of perfection in life. I can't have the perfect family. I fit outside the 2.4 kids and the white picket fence. But it doesn't mean something beautiful can't be created from this lost dream. Adoption is essentially about putting a few broken souls together - a broken woman who cannot have another child in our case with a child whose birth parents don't think they are able to care for him or her.

As we learnt from the education and preparation programme; loss is what brings these two parties together. So perhaps we can help heal each others wounds a little: a baby in my arms would help my maternal cravings and a secure home could help a child who needs a home and parents to love him or her. But I will probably never forget that, if adoption works out for us, that it came from a place of pain and despair for me that will perhaps always be there in the background. The adopted child will always be adopted - and there is no way that will ever be forgotten either. Two broken pieces don't always make a whole. But it might come close. I'm getting that adoption will come with some cracks but that at the end of the day, if we get picked, that we will all hopefully be able to live contently with those cracks and imperfections.

Wading through the grief

I had a good weekend away. I managed to get some one-on-one time with my Mum and a close friend. I also met up with a good friend who was visiting from Australia with her husband and five month old baby. I was able to be honest with all three women about where I was at. That was all I needed - not a big long conversation about the aftermath of SIF - just an acknowledgment.

The friend with the baby apologised in person for telling me to be grateful for the one I had in an email. I am so glad I emailed back my truth and said that actually the last three and a half years have been pretty shitty. If I hadn't, I would have carried around my resentment and she would have assumed that all was well.

I am getting more and more open and honest about SIF each day. I really want to be done with this - this intense grief and so I have no choice really but to talk about it - to whoever will listen. It is part of who I am - a bit of an open book when it comes to emotional things. It feels and has felt so wrong to withhold my true feelings for the last three plus years.

Today I bumped into a MOT friend I haven't seen for a while at the supermarket and she commented that I looked tired and so the tears started up when I told her that I was going through a rough time around the aftermath of SIF. She listened, didn't judge and was there for me one hundred percent as I talked a bit about my grief through my tears. Being a MOT I have kept her at arms length, but I am at a place where I can perhaps disclose more of my story to Mums of Many now. Bumps are still a no-go zone for me.

I got phoned up by a journalist last week to see if I wanted to do an interview for the local community paper and perhaps a radio interview about my SIF story. He phoned me because he saw the ad for the IF support group. I do want to do it but have been mulling over how much I want to reveal. I guess I will be pretty open but perhaps won't mention that I have been blogging for two and a half years. With my name and possibly photograph going in the paper, I know that employers etc will possibly read the article and I'm not sure I want them to be reading my deep and darkest thoughts on line!

I had a chat with the woman I know who has adopted and fostered children locally. We are going to meet tomorrow for a coffee. She said she really didn't like the adoption process and agreed that you need to have healed considerably around IF before going into the prospective adoptive parents pool. She confirmed my worst fears around adoption: that IF never goes away even post-adoption and doesn't heal all IF wounds. I thought that was the case. I guess I am moving into acceptance that I will probably carry these SIF scars for life in some shape and form. Adoption comes with issues which this woman didn't downplay either. It isn't an easy option. A lot of thought does need to go into it so I think we are doing the right thing by taking our time with the process.

I saw a photo of Sandra Bullock with her newly adopted son on the front of a magazine in the supermarket today. I read the article in it and she does mention what a difficult process adoption is to go through. I'll know when it's time to pick things up again for us. After talking to this local wonan though who has been through it all, I do get that I will probably go through the process with an open wound as that is just the way it is.

We had our IF meeting last night. Another woman with SIF turned up! Hurray! It is the first time in three and a half years that I have met another woman with SIF in the same town who wants to talk/share about it. We are going to do coffee sometime soon.

So I'm getting there. Still loads of grief/tears coming weekly - but I am moving forward in my own way. I have a letter coming at the end of May from the IF specialist which should have some kind of a conclusion in it about early menopause. I'm looking forward to receiving that, despite how difficult the content might be. I just need the closure. I am just about done with this SIF gig. I so desperately want to move on.