Loss

It has been a hard week. I have had a big emotional backlash after our last appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services. So much has come up and I am trying to get my head around what it is exactly that is gnawing at me.

We got a booklet when we went to the Education and Preparation programme last year and I have been reading it the last few nights. It has helped me make sense somewhat of the mix of feelings that are up there right now. I found a reading about Loss which seems to be central to where I'm at. The article listed seven kinds of losses that an adopted child will live with, that adoptive parents need to be aware of. The article talked about working through losses before gains can be made. I so desperately want to move forward so I am going to give it a go.

This is how loss has looked for me/is because I cannot conceive another child:

* I have lost a big part of my identity as a woman going through early menopause which caused my SIF. I lost my right ovary due to ovarian torsion when my daughter arrived almost five and a half years ago. The menopausal symptons which came with having my ovary removed have affected my sexuality, my femininity and who I am now that I cannot conceive, and don't have periods. I cannot use my breasts to feed another child. My uterus is - useless. I have these womanly body parts that are kind of just - there. I also have a new body shape that has come with this change that I am adjusting to. It is taking me a while to accept my bloated abs!

* I have lost my self-esteem. Not being able to conceive again and dealing with the grief that comes with that has impacted my life greatly and how I see myself. I don't feel whole - I feel incredibly empty a lot of the time. I am a WIP in rebuilding myself up again.

* I have lost relationships either permanently or they have altered - there are few relationships I have that haven't been affected by me going through SIF/early menopause and now the adoption process. I've had to apply self-preservation a lot of time, having to carefully consider who is safe to disclose parts of my journey too. Sometimes my friends online are all I have as far as been able to connect to others who have either been there or are going through the same thing. Most of the time I just share bits and pieces with those in my support network. Invariably this often doesn't feel like enough but it seems SIF/the adoption process is something a woman must mainly go through alone.

* I have lost time with the family I have. This breaks my heart the most. I have tried to be the best mother possible but there is no denying that over the last almost four years I have had struggled with being present as a mother as I've dealt with my stuff. The same goes with my husband - our marriage has been impacted because of how big a loss this has all been to me. It is taking/will take time for us all to heal from SIF.

* I have lost time. The emotional processing is both exhausting and time-consuming. Although I have periods of time of feeling connected in my life - there are often times when the emotional side of things take over and I am unable to be as involved in my life as I'd like to be. I want to be further on from all this than I am but it's a big loss in my life and it will take as long as it takes to deal with it.

* I have lost direction. Losing a dream has caused me to question my whole life. Although I have a relationship with God, there are times when the not-knowing (especially for such a long period of time) has caused me to feel incredibly lost.

* I have lost God. Losing faith makes life feel so meaningless. There are times when the faith is there - but when it isn't - I feel as though I am at a complete standstill or go around in circles while been challenged by God's Will. I still do not understand how a desire doesn't always translate to a dream coming true. I have been angry and resentful towards God off and on for not granting me my wish!

* I have lost hope. I'm not sure I ever thought life was a fairytale. But until now I used to believe that everything works out in the end, no matter what life throws at you. Now I'm having to rethink my philosophies in life. Tragedy strikes in all of our lives at some point. Some tragedies are harder than others to reconcil. But it is hard to imagine life without grief in it right now. I've moved on from other personal crisis in my life, but this particular crisis feels like it will be with me for a long time.

* I have lost my place as a mother and as a woman. Secondary infertility is often described as been part-way between being part of the fertile world and the infertile world. I have a ticket to both worlds but neither really fit. I haven't felt comfortable around growing and completed families for some time now so have stepped away from many of my previous Mum connections. Although I have started an infertility support group, it is women with primary infertility who mainly attend and in that context, I can never completely be myself. Even with friends who have been through primary infertility or are going through it; there is an unspoken rift, no matter how close the friendship. Friends without children by choice have no comprehension of what SIF is all about so although there is the safety of no kids in tow with these friends; they are oblivious to my angst. It is hard to find women with SIF in real life - I haven't found a woman on the exact same path as me in my daily life and that causes me to feel incredibly alone at times.

* I have lost my sense of fun. Pre-SIF my life was filled with lighter moments in life. The last almost four years has added a heavy tone and seriousness to my life which is hard to turnaround. There are moments of peace, times of lightness - but my grief is tied to me always, no matter how positive and ok I am with my life as it stands at any given time. If this is the new me I'm afraid I will bore myself - if I haven't already (!) with the intensity that has come with hoping to add to our family.

* I have lost the dream of two biological children. Of course this is the obvious one. But so much falls under this umbrella - especially when looking at adoption as an option.
- There is the loss of two children being biologically linked/a family being biologically connected - The loss of physical and genetic similarities.
- The loss of rights as exclusive parents when looking into open adoption.
- The loss of a simple, straight-forward nuclear family.
- The loss of privacy - if we adopt; it will be obvious to many who know us well and not so well.

* The loss of pregnancy/childbirth and breastfeeding - This was such a big chapter around bonding/connecting with my daughter. I know I will miss these things if we get to adopt. Especially meeting a potential adopted child for the first time - "taking" a baby off it's mother, despite the fact she has consented, still feels like an awful and selfish thing to be hoping to do!

* The loss of some of our potential adopted child's life - another biggee. This is about history/time itself - it will probably be a few weeks that our potential adopted child will be living either with it's birth family or in foster care. Or the child might be older in which case there could be months or years that we have not a lot of insight into. There is no lead-up without a pregnancy to plan and get excitied - no time to paint a nursery or go shopping for baby clothes. If it happens it will be sudden (probably a few weeks notice - though maybe even days) and it will be a bit of a whirlwind.

I'm sure there's more stuff going on for me around this theme, but it does help to start the ball rolling and to start writing about it.

The infertility support group was on last night. There were just three of us. It was a good meeting but the numbers have been low the last couple of meetings so I am going to create and send out a questionnaire to see if we perhaps don't need to meet so frequently (monthly) if the interest isn't there. The meetings would have been running for a year next month. I value the meetings but the IF vs SIF dynamic does make it tricky and I often feel guilty, even within a meeting (which is meant to be my safe place), for being a Mum of One.

My daughter has been asking daily about adopting lately. In particular "What happens if we can't adopt? " Or words to that effect. I just say that we have to hope - we have to wait and see. Poor thing - she really looks quite upset at times around what must feel like a complicated way to hope to add to our family. I never do the doom and gloom thing with her. I try to be as upbeat as possible wheenver it comes up. She has said this week that a brother is okay too now - up until this point it was always a sister that she wanted!