Wasted Days

I think I am finally at the point where if God does not want me to become a mother for the second time; then so be it - I will find something else to do with my life. It has taken me a looooong time to get to this place, so I most certainly do not say this lightly! But I am ready - ready for the next thing if God has an alternative plan for me.

It has been over two weeks since we were told by our social worker that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I have been checking the letter box ever since waiting for the official letter to say we are in the pool so we can start putting our profile together.

I am so ready for the next step - to write our profile and to give it our best shot and just to leave the rest to God. I'm done with trying to make this happen in my life - have another child. It has been almost four years of it and I am burned out. I had coffee with a friend today and said to her this whole experience has been like surviving a huge earthquake except now I'm living with the aftershocks. It is going to take me a while to heal from SIF/the adoption process - little ripples - and sometimes big ripples of grief have come up as we've moved through the adoption process. But I do think once we are in the "pool"; then I will truly be able to start moving on and living life as it is today.

I really have had enough of pouring all my time and energy into adding to our family. It has felt like such a big waste of time. Sure, maybe we will get picked by a birth family and if that happens no doubt I will be saying it was all worth it. But at this point in time, the whole thing just feels pretty old.

I am aware of how there is a big gap in my life where another baby was meant to be. Now that I am letting go of that perhaps not happening for us; the gap is more obvious. I'm not sure what I am meant to fill it with if we remain a family of three. For a while now I've attempted to use my spare time - the time I had hoped would have been for raising our second child - for my creative pursuits. But I'm not there yet. I am still healing. I seem to need a lot of downtime and time to just "be." We talked a bit more seriously about getting a dog last week - but I'm not sure it's the right time. But a dog is a possibility. I do think it would help us a family to heal from SIF. I've been aware of how sugar has sneaked back into my diet over the last few months and how I have in affect been comfort-eating during the adoption process. So I'm on a sugar detox right now as the sugar has been affecting me in mind, body and soul.

I accept that for now I will feel a bit lost as we linger on the last step of the adoption process - waiting to get the green light so we can put our profile together. I'm just ready to surrender - to let God sort this one out. All I can do is live each day as it comes and apply as much self-care and self-love as I can.

I went to the Dr today about the swollen glands I've had for a few days and mentioned how I still don't have the " closure letter" I've been waiting for from the infertility specialist I saw over six months ago! I have called a few times over the last few months but the specialist I saw has left and I guess nobody else is in a hurry to write the letter in his place. So I said to my Dr today that it was obvious I was in early menopause - as I haven't had a period in seven months and have had several bouts of no periods for six months at a time and just said I wanted some medical evidence. So she sent me off for some blood tests and I will get the results next week. There is still a part of me that wants a medical confirmation that what has gone on over the last few years (POF/early menopause) isn't in my head!!

I bumped into a Mum of Two from my former antenatal class at the gym today. She asked about the IF group I started and I updated her around where we are at with the adoption process. I was honest around how difficult aspects of the process are. She listened. It was good to be honest with a Mum of Two that I have envied - and no doubt still do a bit.

I am trying to keep an open mind and trust in the God of my understanding. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Magic happens." I think magic does happen - but obviously dreams don't always come true or perhaps they end up looking quite different to what we might have hoped. I also saw a calendar in a shop yesterday that was all about having a Plan B! I'm opening my heart and mind to the next thing - whatever it is. Someone from my IF group phoned earlier today and commented that I sounded like I was finding peace around my situation. Perhaps I am. I do talk to God and my unborn child a lot these days - asking them to help me to move on if my family is in fact complete.

My daughter moved up a class two weeks ago. She now has two afternoons a week in a room with a couple of other kids with ASD. This has meant I no longer really need to pull her out of school when she is overloaded, though I will always keep her home for the odd mental health day here and there. Although my daughter has been at school for almost six months, I find I am still adjusting to being a Mum of a school-age child. I do still feel the empty-nest syndrome most weeks when I have my two days off a week. I miss her. I miss having my "baby" at home. Ironically my Dr today, another Mum of two, shed some tears when I mentioned my daughter had moved on from her new entrant class! (She said she was premenstrual!). My Dr's children are at the same school and are older and my Dr was just having a moment! I guess many Mums feel the apron-strings loosening every time their child or children move up a class or reach another milestone. So no wonder those of us who want more children and perhaps won't have any more struggle with letting our only-children go.

At this point in time I don't know what God's Will is for me. But I don't want to spend the next two years in the pool for prospective adoptive parents hoping and waiting. I want to go into that pool next month (if it happens by then) feeling as though we've done everything we could thinking what will be, will be. I'm tired of pushing for things to go my way only to get the cold shoulder from God! If God doesn't want this for me (another child); then so be it. I just keep praying that I will be set free from this standstill soon that I have been in for a very long time. I do have some creative dreams in the pipeline. But it seems I can't move on to the next thing - if it ends up being about focusing on some creative goals - until we are in the pool. So just a few more weeks hopefully of limbolandness. After that, I really want to close the door on SIF and the adoption process as much as we possibly can. My time here is almost done!!