SIF and relationships

It has been another week of feeling triggered on the SIF front. I hate that. I wish I didn't get triggered - I really wish that somehow four and a half years of SIF equated to immunity from all the stuff internally and externally that can set me off. But, no. Although I'm perhaps moving into long-term status as far as SIF goes - most likely going to make it to five years of wanting another addition to our family this September... I can feel as raw as I did all those years ago when we first TTC and my infertility issues were apparent.

Sometimes I feel as though I am really making progress with SIF. I play with a friends second child and think "I can do this." Then a couple of days later someone from the very IF support I started tells me how much her first-born is enjoying the addition of twins to her family and my SIF wounds are wide open. I am happy for this Mum of Three. She did afterall, add to her family via an alternative method and it was not an easy road. But her babies are here. They are real. My second child is still very much in my dreams and in my head...

A couple of days ago our social worker left a message wanting to talk to us about an option we ticked on our paperwork - basically to do with permanent fostering (I'm pretty sure). So I will call her sometime next week about that. It is another option for us - but one both my husband and I are a little wary of. As much I'd love to snap any child up - any age, race, sex etc - I know fostering is very different to adoption and not necessarily the right thing for us. But, I will keep an open mind. I will explore that option. But every option involves a grief of the original dream. Another biological child won't happen for us - and perhaps an adopted child won't either. Fostering is a whole different ball-game and a lot of thought and consideration will have to go into that option.

Our daughter did say to us the other day "Why do you want another baby? I don't!" which was funny at the time. I asked her why she didn't and said "Because it would chew on all my things!" We had a one year old stay with us for four days over the Christmas period and our daughter was not impressed with all the chewing and touching he did. No doubt if another child joins our family various rooms will be shut in the house while our daughter attempts to get l some persona space as this is what she does with the kitten at the moment when she wants a feline time-out.

Today our little family had a day off - a mid-term break in a sense. I had a day off anyway and my husband didn't have any work and I decided our daughter also needed a break from school. So we pottered around this morning and then spent the afternoon in town - to McDonalds for lunch and then a wee look around the shops. It was really nice. I bumped into two friends out with their second children. Friends I don't see much - because they have second children.

I have been thinking a bit lately about friendships and who I am in contact with in my life at the moment. I have some good friends here in Nelson who I can have good heart to heart conversations with. Interesting though that none of those friends have more than one child - they either have grown children, one child - or no children. They are good friends but possibly not forever friends. My three forever friends live outside of Nelson and distance and busy lives means we aren't in contact in a good quality kind of a way very often. I have IF contacts here in Nelson - most are going through primary infertility so I cannot go there completely around secondary infertility as in their eyes I have the child they are all dreaming of. We connect, but there is a careful dance we do that bridges the gap between infertility and secondary infertility.

Although it was the right thing for me to do, to move on from my main SIF online support group (Dailystrength) of three years at the end of last year; it has left a big hole in my emotional life around SIF. I am grateful for the four friends that I met through Dailystrength that I have kept in touch with through Facebook that I can send my blog links too. Three of them have achieved their dreams of adding to their families after years of SIF in three different ways and they are all an inspiration to me. The other friend whose pain no doubt echoes mine while she too attempts to move on the dream of another biological child, is a very special friend from across the miles too. I still belong to RESOLVE and although I haven't been in there for a long time; I may have to consider going into the adoption boards just to have some contact with those in the same boat.

I have just one friend with two children that I see regularly as our daughters are best friends and we used to be neighbours. I can honestly say that I love her second daughter who is the same age - turning four this year - as what our unborn child would have been. Sometimes it is healing having exchanges with this little girl - other times heartbreaking. We have a bond. She is coming to our daughter's sixth birthday party next weekend and we often say she's "like a little sister" to our daughter.

It saddens me that four and a half years of living with a broken dream has affected so many of my relationships. There are some relationships where SIF doesn't come into it - with either work colleagues or friends and family who I don't have deep emotional connections with. But many - I would say most, even - of the people in my circle do know about my SIF as I have tried to be as open as possible about it. This openness varies of course which complicates my interactions with people at times. It can be a selfish condition to have at times (secondary infertility) because when I am triggered I often need a lot of distance from the triggers in my life so this can mean interactions with friends with more than one child can be awkward as I attempt to apply self-preservation.

This ongoing need to apply self-preservation has meant a subtle - and sometimes not so subtle dent to many of my female friendships. I met a lot of mothers when my daughter was born and socialised with them within Mummy circles right up until our daughter was about three and then started backing off as it was at this point that the true extent of my infertility was revealed. I simply found it way too hard to be around groups of women rearing their second or third and fourth-born children. I can be in touch from time to time with some of the women from this era - but for the most part have to keep a wide berth as one sighting of two siblings can send me into a tailspin for a couple of days.

When friendships have topics that need to be edited; they become strained, on a small or large scale. That is simply the way it is. I hate the fact that things could remain this way for years to come - maybe one day the strain will be too much and I will in fact lose some of my treasured friendships with Mums of more than one child because I am not able to overcome my SIF pain. But I have to be true to myself and I do know I am doing everything in my power to carry on with life and to not let SIF get the better of me.

But while we remain the pool of prospective adoptive parents we are in limbo and I am not good with limbo - especially 4.5 years of it! I don't want to be bitter, angry, jealous or jaded - but I am. I still have days when I want to cry to God that it's not fair. Today is one of those. With my daughter turning six in a weeks time I am reminded of another year of my daughter growing up without the sibling I'd hoped she'd have by now. This is major trigger time for someone with SIF - the birthday of the first and only child. Along with Mothers Day and Christmas, birthdays which are meant to be reasons to celebrate, can be bittersweet. When a dream is only half realised - that is, one child came along- but not the second child - there is joy and pain all at once. My gratitude for the child I have is very deep and motherhood is not something I take for granted. Yet this gratitude does not rule out the longing for the second child I had hoped for.

I am afraid that this SIF pain will be a part of me forever - that a part of me will always be broken. I only need to look to the recent quake here in New Zealand to bear witness to the fact that heartbreak and devastation are part of human life. We are emotional creatures with attachments and dreams - we all want our corner of our world to be "just so" and can get our feathers ruffled when things don't go our way. I know life isn't perfect for anyone - even for those who have what I want. I'm not naive.

Perhaps five years from now, when we have our conclusion - either by remaining as we are today, adding to our family via adoption or becoming foster parents - I will have a better perspective. But I don't have that perspective yet. Some days, weeks or even months other focuses in life distract me and it doesn't feel so huge (SIF). But for the most part SIF lives with me each and every day. The truth is I am triggered to varying degrees on a daily basis. I just don't know how to share that with friends who are Mums with more than one child. It is a hard thing to describe and understand; SIF. The less I talk the more friends and family assume I am over it and I'm not -I'm just choosing to speak about it less (mainly in an attempt to carry on with my life) and the bottled up silences cause me pain. I don't like feeling isolated but I do a lot of the time around this part of my life which of course is a big part of who I am and where I'm at. I know I need to go and pray and talk to God for a bit and maybe shed some tears with Him - I will go for a walk alone tonight to allow myself the time and space to do that.