I will be okay

I've been processing a lot around my SIF journey lately. And where I'm at is I've been facing my fears (through some recovery work I've been doing). I have been so afraid all this time that I wouldn't get pregnant again - or become a mother again - that I've lived in that place of fear.

Recently when I answered the question If my worst fears came true, how would they impact me? things shifted a little. Maybe it wasn't the outcome I'd hoped for, but if approx two years from now (our chosen cut-off date for having another child) there isn't another child in our family then I will be okay. I feel that today. I have been through the devastation and all the hard feelings - they crop up from time to time but I am getting lighter around that as time goes on. I'm still getting there with acceptance. Yet I can somehow see some light at the end of the SIF tunnel.

It feels good to be putting all my SIF angst and energy elsewhere - on other dreams and personal goals. I think when going through a personal crisis with intense emotional pain it is hard to think one won't ever get over it. I believe I will be affected by SIF years after the chapter is closed. But the depths of pain I've been to and the courage to look at all that was brought up for me emotionally as a consequence of SIF indicate better times are ahead.

At this point I have no idea what my body is doing. I suspect I'm a little low on my iron levels with three quite heavy visits from AF in the last two months. I've been a bit dizzy, have been weak and a bit breathy - ironically all familiar symptoms from my full-term pregnancy when I was iron deficient. I spoke to my herbalist via Skype on Thursday afternoon and she agreed that the return of my periods is a good thing: "whatever that means." She said the infertility specialist I've been referred to is excellent. So I'm not sure where I'm heading with all this. Trusting God and just been led to where I'm meant to go.

My outlook is very different from last year though. In 2008 I was so very, very desperate and didn't want to do anything "wrong" to affect my fertitility. Now I feel like I've done just about everything there is to do around TTC. I don't want to repeat any of my past methods of TTC either. It may sound blase, but I just don't want to obsess about ovulation dates either anymore. I may or may not be ovulating again - and if I am, it certainly isn't every cycle. I am tuning into myself and listening to what my body is telling me around that rather than plotting my temperature.

I just think if God wants me to get pregnant then it is going to happen regardless of what I do. I just don't want to try so hard anymore. The trying hard bit was what caused me so much stress in SIF days gone by. I keep handing this dream of another child over to God and each time I let go a little bit more. Right now I'm in a "if it happens, it happens mode". If it doesn't, I will be okay. I trust God that I will come out of this eventually feeling stronger, happier and more grateful for all I have - rather than all I haven't.