Still hoping

Now that I've had three cycles in a row after a good year or so of erratic periods (including a six month absence of AF), my hope levels have crept up a notch - hope that I could conceive again, that is. There was fertile mucus this cycle and my boobs have been really sore the last two days...I'm day 22 on my cycle.

I found myself dreaming about pregnancy today at work. I shouldn't do it, I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. I've had the sore boobs a lot of times over the last year. It's a hormonal symptom but whether it be connected to a hormonal imbalance, AF on the way, or you know what - I don't know.

I have to keep reminding myself that God has the plan and the timetable. This is just one cycle. And I would certainly take a second prize of another visit from AF over erratic cycles all over again. Perhaps there are a few more cycles after this one - you never know.

I still have the hope of conceiving again yet the resentment and jealousy towards MOTS and bumps out there seems to be waning. Not completely - I am only human afterall. Who doesn't envy those who have what we want from time to time. But lately I seem to be able to connect more with MOTS and pregnant women. I'm still not about to host a MOT and bump party but I feel like I have come out of MOT hiding.

I did end up taking a pizza last week around to my neighbour who has just had her second child a few weeks ago. She was very appreciative. Her first child is six months younger than mine and they seem to get on ok. I also see my pregnant eighteen year old neighbour a bit too. Somehow it is not quite so painful facing what I have dreaded facing for what felt like a very long time. Both women have been very sick during their pregnancies and I have even been able to talk about my pregnancy with my young neighbour. For a while it was too painful to remember what might not be again.

Another wee break-through is I gave my daughter a very basic account of the birds and the bees a few days ago - an age-appropriate version for an almost-four year old. I told her she came out of Mummy's tummy and was born in the hospital. Tonight I put a sheet over us and we pretended she was in my tummy. So I've told her our neighbour has a baby growing in her tummy. My daughter is quite fascinated by the concept. She's starting to click about little sisters and brothers and calls some of her friends and cousins sisters. I'm not going to be too worried about correcting her at this point.

I think it was the right time to do the birds and the bees talk with my daughter. Obviously had a sibling come along before now then the topic would have come up. But she hasn't been interested in bumps at all or even babies so there was no burning need. Guess what I'm trying to say it has been a natural thing to do with my daughter - I was ready, and so was she. I'm not so sure I would have been able to do the birds and the bees talk with her six months ago when I was right in the midst of SIF hell.

I have an appointment to see an infertility specialist in March. But I am on the fence about that. It's $200NZ and I'm not sure it is where I want to go. Really my philosophy these days is God is the one in charge around all this - all I can is TTC and hope for the best. I'm not doing all the things that drove me crazy for so many months like charting ovulation - it has been so much better not having that pressure. I think perhaps I am ovulating some cycles (like the one just gone) but I'm not sure I want to hear from another specialist how dismal my chances are. If all he is going to do is run a course of bloods to determine the viability of my eggs and if I'm ovulating then I'm not convinced I want to go there. We've already given ourselves a time-line of around two years to complete our family and I prefer having our own cut-off date and letting things evolve gently rather than giving all the power to a man in a white coat all over again. I have a week or so to think about it - I have to cancel the appointment before early March if I don't want to go otherwise I'll be charged $50NZ if I pull out after that.

I continue to have other dreams to focus on. I've applied to hold a stall at another market in seven weeks so need to get painting as it might just be me this time. We're in the process of applying for a preapproved loan to buy a house. We are kind of on the perimenter of getting into the property market. But I think we can make it work if we shuffle things around a little. This is in Gods hands too of course. It hopefully will be sooner rather than later, but it might be a few months away yet.

My daughter has been on my mind a lot and I have been quite worried about her ASD. I suppose I have been posting here a little less lately as a lot of my time and energy is going into her. There is so much to read - one of the early intervention teachers gave me quite the pile of books and photocopied chapters and so much to do - continued meetings with specialists and courses for us to attend as parents of a child with autism. I think my pain as a Mum of an autistic child is starting to come out. Up until now I have just loved her for who she is and have just put one foot in front of another. But I have had tears brimming for my daughter the last two days. I fear for her future. I know she's in very good hands at the moment but the older she gets the more obvious some of her ASD traits are. I hate that kids look at her strangely already. It breaks my heart.

A little fear that has crept up lately is around conceiving another autistic child. It's possible - autism is genetic. Not only that, families with a few kids often have autistic kids with varying traits across the spectrum. Could we manage another autistic child? I know we could and we would love that child for who it is. But it would be hard. I saw a baby with Downs Syndrome the other day with her much older sister (maybe eight years old). She was gorgeous yet it is so hard to not feel sorry about a child with an obvious disability. Autism isn't so obvious - not at first glance anyway. There is so much educating to others involved as a parent of an autistic child - it is exhausting on so many levels.

I took my daughter to Music for the first time in six months last week. I had to stop taking her as I wasn't coping very well with all the bumps and MOTs. The last time I went I burst into tears when I went there and saw a sea of bumps and siblings. But last week I was okay. I enjoyed it. Most Mums can sit down and have a coffee after Music quite happily but I was continually walking around supervising my daughter who did eventually "act out" so I had to leave with her kicking and screaming.

I do sometimes wonder if God has just given us the one child up til now because He knows we struggle with the one with have. A few people have commented that handling our daughter is equivalent to two children. I do trust that God knows what He is doing. I'm doing my best to take it all One Day At A Time.