I can honestly say that I am in a really, really good space. Some big stuff has shifted these last couple of weeks. I feel like I have reached in, grabbed my fear by the horns, looked it in the eye and discovered that it is not the end of the world for me should my baby dreams never happen.
I had a counselling session today and revealed my awarenesses to my counsellor. She was pretty pleased with my progress. I may only have one to two sessions left with her then hopefully I can look at coming off the happy pills.
I have realised my SIF journey has been about more than just not being about to conceive another child. It's been about how I cope within a personal crisis - how I do tend to withdraw and isolate from those I care about it - who happen to be the people who care about me. It's given me an opportunity to see there are several areas I can grow in because of my reaction to SIF. The pain was real, as were the feelings of loneliness and feeling estranged from most people I know. I think I will be doing things differently from here on in.
I seem to have some peace seeping in around maybe just having one child. Not only that I now want to put all my time and energy into the child I do have - not the one I don't. My daughter needs her parents very much right now as she approaches four years of age with her mild ASD. She is doing really well but there's a lot more we can help her with to prepare her for school next year. She is my key focus for 2009.
I guess you could say we are unofficially TTC. I'm not charting - no temperature charts or scrutinising of curves to see if I'm ovulating or not. The thing is - I may be some cycles, I may not be other cycles, or I may not be ovulating at all. I'm choosing to listen to my body and to take it's cues and to act accordingly...I'm also settling in to living in this gray space. It took me a while but now I just think I have no idea what my body is doing, if I'm fertile or infertile, I'm just going to take it one step at a time.
Yes we are still waiting to hear about the next step in the adoption process. I am really keen to go through the process yet it may not be for us - who knows - and also it may not work out. There is no guarantee an adoption will happen for us. But I want to give it a go.
The bottom-line is I've done everything I could possibly do to TTC - for my situation anyway. I've beaten myself up - thinking I could have tried harder. I've fumed and raged at God for not listening to me. I've tried positive thinking and visualisation. Not to mention all the people I've asked for help along the way - herbalists, a gyno, Dr's, an acupuncturist and a vibrational healer. It seems the harder I pushed, the less likely a baby was going to come along.
I've come to this place naturally. I wanted to be here oh so many times over the last two and a bit years. I'm hands off now. It is entirely up to God. If He wants me to be pregnant then He will orchestrate things somehow so I will be. It's that simple.
I've also been able to see the funny side recently around a scenario in which I won an on-line auction for some tickets to see The Wiggles for our daughters fourth birthday. The tickets include a baby seat and my husband and I have been joking as to whose baby we could take - or maybe we should just take the cat...
I dunno. Things just don't seem so bad right now. I wanted the baby, I really did. But if I don't get the goods there will be other blessings coming my way. I can see and feel that now. Life is simply going to carry on.
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