I've been quite open I suppose around our adoption plans. This has meant a few people have put in their two cents around adoption. Most recently a friend shared about an adoption that from her perspective didn't work out because the adopted child was from a "bad" family - which resulted in lots of issues later in life for that child and family.
It's the nature vs nurture debate isn't it. With my BA (Hons) in Psychology and Education, my own philosophies and beliefs as well as life experience, I do think every one of us is genetically programmed from birth in many areas (nature). But I also believe our environment (nurture) can affect and shape us - whether that be in a good way or a bad way. I've argued, discussed and researched this very issue many times as a university student. And now I'm going through a nature vs nurture experiment around my daughter with her mild diagosis of ASD. She was born with it - it is a genetic condition yet we have proven and are proving that with the right tools, we can reshape her in a positive way.
I guess I have thought how it is a little odd not knowing the back-story of an adopted child. In New Zealand, I do not know how much information the adoptive parents get about the birth families. But it hadn't occurred to me to reject a possible adoption because of a child's background. I told the friend who brought it up that there is alcoholism, depression and autism in our family - we are not going to be pointing the finger I'd imagine because someone doesn't reach our standards now are we!
And I don't even know if we have any standards. I haven't even discussed this with my husband yet. There are some things you have no say in as adoptive parents. For instance, if we get chosen by a birth family we cannot tell the birth Mum not to smoke or drink during her pregnancy. That kind of scares me, actually. I cannot let myself go there about prenatal development in the womb and all the vulnerabilites that come with it.
I haven't heard anyone's adoption horror stories in great detail - just some tight-lipped responses around adoption when it's come up. Such and such had a bad experience...Something like that.
Anyway, I've been in a better space the last few days. I've been in a sorting out mode. I started with my daughter's room and have been thinning out books, clothes and toys that are young for her now. Some books and clothes I will pass on but some I have just put away on the top of her wardrobe. I cannot bring myself to let go of her toys just yet though. I guess the toys really symbolise her early years and the different ages and stages. I would feel like I was throwing a part of her away if I got rid of them.
I've had a bit of contact with my young (eighteen year old) pregnant neighbour. I actually felt excited for her the other day which was nice. I thought too it'll be nice to have a newborn around here (as in nextdoor) in about six months time. Because it's her first baby and she is a sweet girl - my resentment and jealousy isn't so bad. It's my other neighbour whose daughter is the same age that has had a baby recently (I'm pretty sure) that I am in no rush to visit.
I've realised how bad I have been at isolating and this hasn't helped with my depression. So I am making more of an effort to phone friends. I don't need to talk about SIF all the time. In fact, just connecting with someone gets me out of my head and I think that's a good thing.
We're planned a family trip up to Hamilton for a week in May around my Mum-in-laws 60th. It means exposure to quite a few families-of-two including some new babies. I'm not sure how I will go. But at this point it feels very brave of me to put myself in the very surroundings that get me in a SIF spin. Hopefully this is part of my acceptance with it all. That I can't avoid family and friends forever that have what I wanted. It feels good to put friendships/relationships ahead of my SIF pain at this point. I've had to do it the other way around for quite some time.
No comments:
Post a Comment