It seems like all I've done is complain the last few posts but that's just where I'm at. I'm sure I'll be out of this SIF goldfish bowl before long. But in the meantime I seem to surrounded by a sea of babies and bumps (once again).
It has been a challenging week. The start of Kindy again has triggered me a lot. That plus making contact with my gyno surgery yesterday. It's like the SIF wounds have been reopened. For a while there when it seemed I had virtually no chance of conceiving again because of no periods for so long, I was kind of relieved that that option was coming to a close. I just couldn't stand the not knowing, the waiting and what felt like false hope time after time.
But with the return of AF my medical files have been reopened and with that - all my SIF hopes and dreams, hurt and disappointment. I feel like I should be excited or at the very least pleased that I am back in the game again. But I'm not really.
I just feel more confused than ever as to what is going on with my body. I want to accept that my cycles are a bit off and on. But the Mrs Black and White in me cannot stand the neither here nor there space I am. Mrs Grey is there too on occasion - she's a little more accepting and takes this whole SIF journey one day at a time. She sees the bigger picture. It's like living with my own Jekyll and Hyde. I think a lot of my frustration comes from this internal conflict. When I accept Mrs Greys outlook, I am in a much better space.
Three new kids started today at Kindy and two of the kids used to go to the same Playgroup my daughter did. I overheard the two Mums from Playgroup talking. One is A MOT, the other a MOO and they were talking about the planning of a family. I think both of them are under thirty - definitely under thirty-five. The MOO said she was planning to have another child at such and such date. Just like that. Like it was going to happen when she clicked her fingers. Which it probably will.
That's okay, people are entitled to free speech in this country, I thought. And then the MOO said; I would never want an only child. Watch your step lady, I was thinking. Look around the room, you never know what unsuspecting Mum might be going through secondary infertility. But of course she didn't look around the room because SIF is an invisible condition. Most people simply think once you've had one, you can have another. So it seems snippets of these kinds of conversations will be part of the SIF package for as long as I am around growing families.
At Kindy I thought I have to get out of here... after the Playgroup Mums had their chat - especially when a MOTH-to-be appeared and they started a conversation with her about the sex of her third child. Then they talked about a new MOTH who brought her newborn into Kindy this week.
Then of course a MOT-to-be told someone who asked what sex she was having that she was having a boy and she was really happy about that. She also disagreed with me when I said it was getting cold, implying that because she was pregnant and it was Summer she was enjoying the cooler weather. I felt like she wanted me to go there around her pregnancy but I didn't take the bait. She's probably a couple of months away from having her baby and I have never acknowledged her pregnancy. What's wierd is she wears two of the pregnancy tops I threw out a couple of months ago. No doubt because we were both pregnant around the same time four plus years ago and that was what was around. Still, it is like a slap across the face seeing someone wearing the tops I had hoped I would wear myself. Seeing her growing bump in my old tops is just a bit much.
It was an overload of bumps and family planning talk for me today - just in case you hadn't picked that up!
The thing is, when I am in a good space, or an okay one, like I was this morning, I feel so deflated as soon as I enter my daughter's Kindy. It starts straight away for me when my daughter's friends little sister greets me with a hug. I love that she does that but it's bittersweet - I should have an eighteen month running around. She does represent the younger sibling my daughter should have had.
Anyway, I've been trying to focus on how I feel in all this - the victim, or half in control/half not in control (the healthy middle ground) or completely in control around my infertility. It's something my counsellor wants me to look at as well as recording my mood swings.
I know I am in victim mode quite a lot. But I do shift into recognising what I can and can't control around SIF - and that often makes me feel worse - the powerlessness of it all. I most certainly have never thought I was completely in control around my fertility. Well, maybe for a patch around the law of attraction philosophies etc. I am somewhere in the middle and that's about figuring how I can live with SIF with as much peace and acceptance as possible. It's about managing the pain and hurt and trying to live my life as fully as possible. Obviously I am still a WIP!
No comments:
Post a Comment