I dropped my daughter off at Kindy a little while ago. It's her first day back after six or so weeks worth of Summer holidays. She seemed to be pleased to be there. Sure enough a Mum was carrying a newborn - baby number three for her. I just avoided her. I'm just not in the mood for the whole baby ga-ga thing.
I don't want to be all bitter and twisted. But I seem to be in one of those phases right now. I am quite aware of how much I shut people out when I feel like this. It isn't nice but I guess I don't know how to maintain friendships with MOT friends when I'm feeling so blah.
My daughter made a card for a MOTs eighteen month old today. That's how old our baby would have been had he/she made it (from the chemical pregnancy of Dec '07). In many ways I feel as though I have been parenting a ghost. I find it a little easier to be around MOTs whose children are older than my daughter. But second children who are under two pull at my heart-strings every time. It seems my thoughts of what might have been crop up whenever I see a child who is a couple of years younger than my daughter. Groan.
A friend of mine has shut me out recently around a personal crisis she is going through. It hurts to be on the outside - all I want to do is help. So I have had a taste of what it feels like to care for someone but to feel emotionally estranged because they are unable to let you in - for whatever reasons.
Anyway, I've started doing some more recovery work so hopefully that'll help shift things. I really don't enjoy feeling like I'm going to tear up when I see a bump as I did this morning at the supermarket. It still gets me - why is it just so damn easy to fall pregnant for some women? Guess I'm pissed at my body - once again - for letting me down. I'm also annoyed that I still have the baby number two desire. Sometimes I wish it would just go away and I could accept our family as is. I frustrate myself!
No comments:
Post a Comment