I don't know why I feel a bit shite today. I think it's a bit of an emotional backlash after being on holiday. Maybe a part of me is anticipating being back in the Mum circles as of Monday as my daughter starts Kindy then. I have managed to pretty much have a MOT-free holiday for a month. I saw just three MOTs - a family member and two friends but all in all it was a very pleasant break from The Completed Families (TCF) out there.
I feel angry at God all over again. It's good I have choices/options ahead of me re: further appointments medically and pursuing the adoption path. But today I wish I didn't have to go down either path. I am mainly pissed at my body for not doing what it should have!
I clarified with my husband today around forty-two as a cut-off age for me having/adopting another child. He'll be forty at that point. It feels like a good time to let go of our baby dreams. Today we talked a little about our concerns and worries around an open adoption - having a third family in our lives. It's really good there are several processes to go through with adoption as who knows, it might not be for us. There is some uncertainty there.
We also talked about perhaps getting more involved with the other children in our lives - should we have just the "one" child. Our daughter has eight cousins (seven in NZ and one in Oz) and then there's my Dad's second family which consists of my half-sister who is six and my half-brother who is four. There are plenty of children to love, that's for sure.
I'm in a mood where I want everything to be ticked off and nice and neat. I'm not very good with this no-mans land. I really don't like it. Yet I am not ready to close the door yet on baby number two. I am still hanging in there, much to my own annoyance.
It's been good this week getting back into my gym routine. I just want life to feel as normal as possible. Today I feel fragile, vulnerable and affected by SIF and I don't want to be. But having a a rant about it certainly helps - thanks. :)
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