Reminders everywhere

I'm still on a bit of a downer around SIF. It is one of those times in which it feels like most women are able to fall pregnant oh so easily and I'm finding reminders of this hard to bear at the moment. One neighbour is a few weeks pregnant - by accident. She's very young and very sweet. But I haven't yet being able to go nextdoor and do the congrats thing with her just yet. Another neighbour has had her second baby recently - I'm pretty sure. I saw someone going into her house this morning with a bottle of milk and some other goodies and another neighbour hovering around - tell-tale signs. I just had this feeling in my gut that her baby has probably arrived. Someone else I should probably acknowledge but I don't quite feel like it...

This afternoon I had a meeting with some friends around our stall next month. One is two months away from having her second baby and I found it hard to be sincere when asking how she was doing. It's not her fault of course. I was in a sucky mood before we even caught up.

I guess I've got to face my post-holiday reality and face the world of MOTs, bumps and siblings all over again. I really don't like feeling so resentful towards the fertiles out there. I know there's still so much of my stuff to be "worked through." I have another counselling session on Tuesday - number four session I think. I've been on anti-depressants for four months and it seems it won't be recommended I get off them til I'm deemed okay to be with living with SIF. Sigh.

We had a family outing into town today. Firstly we went to the library and got some new books out for our daughter. While rummaging for books I came across several books about big brothers, little sisters and new babies. Talk about today being a day for everything feeling like it's right in my face. But then I came across a book called You're Not My Real Mother. It was a book about adoption. I read it and showed it to my husband. It was basically a book explaining the role of a Mum in a fun, light-hearted way. It was perhaps what I needed to read today. I needed to feel that God has a plan for me as I've felt a little off-track around that lately.

I do have some grief surfacing around being pregnant again. I know stuff is going to come up as we go through the adoption process and maybe it's already up there since we're probably now just a couple of months away from the next step, which is an information session with parents who have adopted. I have decided I will contact my gyno and organise an appointment with the infertility specialist he recommended. I just have this enormous fear that getting involved with the medical world again will bring up all that angst again. But I'm trying to approach adding to our family in a more detached manner, being year three of all this. Sounds like I'm not doing that right now, huh. But I'll get there.