The last few days I have been reflecting about my SIF journal. The first year of TTC (2007) was a roller-coaster ride with a few lashings of hope. I explored my infertility with acupuncuture, and herbs; hoping that the combination of both would somehow "fix" my infertility. Enter my second year of TTC (2008) in which I turned to the medical world. An operation, zillions of blood tests, and several rounds of fertility drugs did nothing. The waiting and the hopelessness led me into a depression which I've only recently climbed out of. I'm now in my third year of attempting to add to our wee family. Whether it's possible for me to TTC anymore - I really don't know. But there is the promise of adoption which gives me a lot of hope.
Yet, despite being on the brink of the adoption process, I really am running out of time and energy for this quest for baby number two. So I have been thinking lately that for me my personal cut-off age is 42. I'm almost forty and a half (next month) so that's eighteen - twenty something months left. I wanted to have finalised my family by the age of forty at the latest. Preferrably in my late thirties. Although I'm a young-looking forty (so I keep getting told), I am forty and over half-way through my life. Parenting is important and a role I cherish yet I do want to travel again when the kids are older and I'm an empty nester. I have a lot of creativity yet to be unleashed. And other family dreams and goals to be met. So I am not going to sit around for two plus years waiting for this dream child. In the meantime I will carry on as the MOO I am.
I guess I'm in place where it is still painful to not have had that biological child yet I'm so done with that particular grief taking over my life. We all have our crummy times - some much worse than others. And SIF was my crummy time. Things can only get better from here.
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