Aging gracefully

Next month I will be forty-one. Forty-one! That means I'm well and truly in my forties now. Some days I live as if age is just a number - other days I feel like I really am in my forties. SIF kindly reminds me of this on a regular basis.

When I started getting grey hairs at some point in my thirties I could pull them out or colour over them. When gravity started defying my body, I could go to the gym and tone up a little more. When crows feet started showing up around my eyes I could think well at least I've had a few good laughs. But when SIF struck I didn't know what to think at first. Well, I felt every emotion under the sun. But the underlying feeling was that my fertility was something I was completely powerless over. I can not control when my reproductive system decides to close up shop.

I shared a little about my experience of being in peri-menopause last night with my friend who is forty-one and pregnant with her first child (after six IVFs). She could not relate to my menopausal symptoms. I'm sure from the outside it sounds as if I am exaggerating. But these crazy symptoms are so very real. I have definitely found them easier to manage since I decided to slow down and not run away from my reality. I totally get why going into menopause is coined as "the change of life" - because it is that - a change and quite a big one at that.

Somehow losing one's fertility equates to losing youth, vitality, and maybe some hopes and dreams. It's a reminder that I am, simply put, getting older. I suppose because I am a young forty (as I keep saying!), I have been surprised that I have been "feeling old." I suppose by having no control around when I headed into menopause has caused me to think I'm pretty much powerless over the whole aging process. My fertility was the first thing to go. It's just downhill from here! And I don't mean that in a negative way either. It's reality.

We've made it almost halfway through the school holidays. I've borrowed other people's children a couple of times this week as it makes it easier to have two under my wing - for part of the day, anyway. One of the Kindy Mums today whose girl I borrowed asked me if I get sick of people asking me when I'll have another. She has no idea about my SIF. I just laughed and said I enjoyed one and that I just borrowed other people's kids! I really do enjoy having two kiddies together. My heart feels full and I feel fulfilled and content when there are two kids playing happily in my care. It's obviously a very different dynamic to having just one child.

I am pleased we have the tentative dates for the education and preparation programme (for adoption). There seems to be such a big gap between each stage. There are essentially eight stages for the adoption process in New Zealand. Our initial enquiry meeting (1) was in November '08, then the information meeting (2) was April 09, we sent off the required documents for the application for adoption assessment (3) and the education and preparation programme (4) will be August/September '09. At least soon we'll be halfway through the process. After the education and preparation programme is the applicant information (5) (background and family history prepared by applicants), this is followed by assessment interviews (7) and then the assessment decision (8) is made! It will be very interesting to see when we're finished with the paperwork. Adoption Services estimated in April at the information meeting that it would take a year from that point - so by April 2010 we should be close to being on the other side of it all, hopefully. Assuming we get accepted and all. I hope so!