It's not all about me

I've come to realise lately that this campaign of mine to add to our family all these years has mostly been a selfish one. It's been about me, me, me (!)and the huge gaping hole I felt existed somewhere inside that needed a baby oh-so desperately to feel complete. I am not discounting the fact that my feelings have been very real - because they were - and they are. But I am beginning to see that my perspective is slightly skewed in that it has been all about me - and not my family.

As we get further into the adoption process, it is becoming more clear that some sacrifices will be made in our lives to add to our family. Mainly it will be a financial one - just as we are making progress in our lives on that front now that we have a school-age child (and I'm not a full-time at-home Mum), we will take a step backwards to accommodate another child in our lives. This will impact all of us.

Our daughter, with her ASD, has thrived as an only-child. Her needs are greater than that of the average child and that has been exhausting at times. Yet we've been able to manage meeting her needs since there are two of us to carry the load and to give her our undivided attention. I do know deep down inside that our daughter has benefited from having her parents to herself. People have commented about that along the way, which has of course irked me within my SIF journey! But of course it's okay if this insight comes from me! ;)

I know with another addition in the family we will be restricted in some ways and I have to be real about that as I consider this as a family decision -or at least a martial decision - and not just my decision. Adopting a child will change our lives in several ways and I just want to acknowledge that rather than assuming and pushing that this option should go ahead just to satisfy my maternal longings.

I think I am in a space of accepting that I will be okay living the rest of my life with"empty arms"; if that is the way things pan out. I have allowed myself some time to be and heal post-SIF and I think the healing has been going on. I feel so far removed from that TTC chapter of my life. I will probably never look at a pregnant belly and just see a pregnant belly - I think I will always be reminded of what wasn't. But the pain will lessen as the years go by. I do think that.

I feel I am really surrendering this over to God right now. He is the one with the plan. All I can do is the footwork and then leave the rest - the outcome to him. I know this is my path and I feel much more content when I accept it rather than fight it. I am tired of looking backwards at what didn't happen. But at the same time I don't want to look too far forward either as that also does my head in. So I am staying in the present - as best as I know how. I am choosing to stay in today rather than run from it or to fear it. It takes courage and patience to live within the unknown yet in doing that, true acceptance and peace can be found.

Every other week my daughter seems to ask about another addition to the family. One morning recently during cuddles in bed she asked me if I wanted another child. I said that would nice and left it at that. Later on she was cutting out photos from a magazine and she gave me a pile of her cutouts - they were all of mothers and babies! She also cut out some words (and she is only just beginning to learn to read) - and they had the words adoption on them. Go figure. The universe sends us messages in all sorts of ways. I'm not saying this will even work out - that we will be picked by a birth family -but we do need to try. We need to be in the running, at least. And I just want to do this for my family - not just for me.

The adoption process scares me in the respect that we are putting ourselves through this - and we may never get picked by a birth family. But it also scares me in the respect that we might get picked. We are going through an adoption process that is pretty informative but there are still many unknowns.

It seems the best way for me to keep healing from SIF is to stay close to God and allow the time and space to heal. I am continuing to surround myself with those who can support and encourage me. I do have to say I made a leap forward recently when I invited a family of six around for afternoon tea. Our friends, who we haven't seen for ages, have four boys aged between 2 and 9 years old. I told the Mum that we couldn't have any more children and were looking into adoption. She seemed to understand that there would need to be some space between accepting the news and exploring other options. Every time I tell my story; I feel a little more healed. I've also invited a family with three children around one weekend. I have kept my distance from families with two or more children for a good couple of years. It still hurts to see families of two, three and four - but I cannot hide from friends and family forever.