Post last appointment with our social worker in regards to the adoption process; I have been doing a lot of processing. I guess every step brings us one step closer to an ending. I feel as though my head is in adoption-overload right now and I can't seem to switch it off. It no doubt hasn't helped that I have been into the Adoption forum in Dailystrength. I joined some time ago but don't go in there much as the vibe is often a bit fraught with hurt from all sides of the adoption triad. But I've been in the last two days and all it's done is increase my anxieties around open adoption.
My husband and I have pretty much worked out our "contact plan" - which is something that is worked out by prospective adoptive parents and is added to individual profiles so birth families can get a sense of how an open adoption might look with any given family. I thought ours was quite generous, yet our social worker hinted that we should be a bit more flexible within our profile, just so birth families know there is room to move if that is desired or appropriate further down the line.
It is taking me a long time to get my head around open adoption. I will admit that. To find out that if we get picked, it will most likely be by a birth family in the same town was a bit of a shock this week. We live in a town of 40,000. Surely we are going to end up bumping into the birth family. I know we are going for an open adoption but it just feels a bit uncomfortable at the moment - having to envisage a birth family in our lives - and being in contact when arranged but perhaps sometimes when not arranged if we are living in the same town. We are quite a private, quiet family in lots of ways with family living out of town. It is hard to image a birth family living in the same town being in frequent contact.
I suppose looking within that Adoption forum this weekend I read a few comments from adult adopted children. I cannot help but think that our potential child might be registered on such a site twenty years from now, even with an open adoption! It seems there will always be issues with adoption - no matter how open the adoption or how loving the adoptive parents are. It is just the way it is.
And I accept the differences for the most part between adoption and having a biological child. Yet every time I make a shift in my thinking and accept something else about the adoption process; I am having to say goodbye to an aspect of having a biological child. I know that these issues will probably continue to crop up, even if we get picked by a birth family. How can I not compare going to a foster home or birth family to take away someone else's baby to being in hospital with my newborn daughter surrounded by loving gifts and flowers from friends and family?
AF tried to arrive this week. By tried, I mean I got some spotting and that was it. Some months I get spotting, some months I get nothing. It has been over six months since AF came for a visit and it is just adds salt to the SIF wound sometimes; that my periods have stopped. Although some of my menopausal symptoms have settled down; I do feel odd to not be menstruating at 42. Really my periods started disappearing over three years ago. But it has taken me a while to adjust to being in early menopause.
I've had a couple of people of late make that if you relax and/or let go it will happen comment - as in pregnancy. I've had to blantantly tell them that I am biologically unable to conceive as POF or early menopause is irreversible.
Guess I'm feeling so many feelings right now: some lingering anger at my reproductive situation, confusion around open adoption and just plain emotional exhausation from all the processing. I don't like being in a bad place - especially when I've had weeks of feeling ok. But I should expect that turbulent feelings will continue to appear every now and then. I want to be healed and done and dusted with all of this but I guess I've still got some things to get my head around.
I have been thinking too of late how now I am 42, I am in a new 7 year cycle. Some claim that life can be broken into seven year cycles. I don't constantly think about it, but often when I'm on the brink of leaving a cycle, I can feel change in the air. So I do feel it - new things ahead within this new cycle. The last one 35 - 42 was for me all about settling down/getting married/starting a family/buying a house - all that stuff. No wonder I was peeved within that cycle that I never got to finish our family! But I will get to finish our family in the next cycle - either as a family of three as we exist today - or perhaps as a family of four. I just want life to be about other things now - and more than that - I just want to enjoy what I have rather than being focused on what I don't have. God help me to let this all go. I'm having a hard time doing so today.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
In The Meantime
Now that we are near the end of the adoption process and all we pretty much have to do is write a profile and submit it (into the prospective adoptive parents pool); I find myself feeling a bit lost all over again. It is a strange place to be. There is a lot of relief to have reached this point, excitement on one hand on what could happen, and then fear on another hand around what might not happen. This is it for us - our last chance at parenthood for the second time. How can I not be feeling a little vulnerable?
When we first got the news that we had been unofficially accepted into the prospective adoptive parents this week I felt quite open about it and shared the news with friends and family who I was in contact with. However I have shut down around our news now and don't feel like sharing it much at all. I suppose I will continue to have ups and downs even within this time of nearing the end of the adoption process - and probably even when we are waiting in the pool. It's not like a place of one hundred percent acceptance and peace is ever achieved - I do have to remind myself of that - I'm only human and we are putting ourselves out there right now.
We went to a one year old birthday party yesterday. It was very sweet. But one of the relatives there knows about our adoption plans and I had never told her directly. I just didn't want to update her, so when she asked I just said something like everything was just moving along. She also commented on the newspaper article about me and the IF group I started - within a group of people I didn't know. I just didn't want to share my SIF stuff in that context. I'm open to a certain extent, but there is a time and a place for talking about SIF, I do believe. I just wasn't in the mood.
I guess some feelings have come up again post-SIF and post-adoption process. I know I am in a much better place these days. The resentments I used to have towards of Mums of more than one child are subsiding. I think I will actually be able to go and have a cuppa soon with the neighbour across the road whose third child was born about two months ago. I am able to talk more to Mums of more than one about their offspring now. I even commented to one Mum of two yesterday at the swimming pool that her kids were gorgeous - because they were.
There is just a wee sadness sitting with me today. Grief, I guess. I suppose giving myself permission to move on from SIF is harder some days than other days. Carrying on with life sometimes feels as though I am giving up on a dream. I want to make the most of my life as it stands today but the ghost of the child that hasn't yet come to us haunts me a lot of the time.
This week, just a few days before my birthday was my due date from three years ago. Our second child would have been three years old. I spoke to her on that day and said if she wanted to stay in the spirit world/in heaven then that was fine. I said I just wanted her to be happy and that we all missed her and that I loved her. It might sound strange, but for the last three years I have felt the spirit of a female around me. She is there but whether or not she will join our family; I don't know.
In the meantime I just have to keep focusing on today - to keep being gentle with myself while allowing myself to hope and dream.
When we first got the news that we had been unofficially accepted into the prospective adoptive parents this week I felt quite open about it and shared the news with friends and family who I was in contact with. However I have shut down around our news now and don't feel like sharing it much at all. I suppose I will continue to have ups and downs even within this time of nearing the end of the adoption process - and probably even when we are waiting in the pool. It's not like a place of one hundred percent acceptance and peace is ever achieved - I do have to remind myself of that - I'm only human and we are putting ourselves out there right now.
We went to a one year old birthday party yesterday. It was very sweet. But one of the relatives there knows about our adoption plans and I had never told her directly. I just didn't want to update her, so when she asked I just said something like everything was just moving along. She also commented on the newspaper article about me and the IF group I started - within a group of people I didn't know. I just didn't want to share my SIF stuff in that context. I'm open to a certain extent, but there is a time and a place for talking about SIF, I do believe. I just wasn't in the mood.
I guess some feelings have come up again post-SIF and post-adoption process. I know I am in a much better place these days. The resentments I used to have towards of Mums of more than one child are subsiding. I think I will actually be able to go and have a cuppa soon with the neighbour across the road whose third child was born about two months ago. I am able to talk more to Mums of more than one about their offspring now. I even commented to one Mum of two yesterday at the swimming pool that her kids were gorgeous - because they were.
There is just a wee sadness sitting with me today. Grief, I guess. I suppose giving myself permission to move on from SIF is harder some days than other days. Carrying on with life sometimes feels as though I am giving up on a dream. I want to make the most of my life as it stands today but the ghost of the child that hasn't yet come to us haunts me a lot of the time.
This week, just a few days before my birthday was my due date from three years ago. Our second child would have been three years old. I spoke to her on that day and said if she wanted to stay in the spirit world/in heaven then that was fine. I said I just wanted her to be happy and that we all missed her and that I loved her. It might sound strange, but for the last three years I have felt the spirit of a female around me. She is there but whether or not she will join our family; I don't know.
In the meantime I just have to keep focusing on today - to keep being gentle with myself while allowing myself to hope and dream.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Our final appointment with our social worker
We had our last appointment with our social worker yesterday. Coincidentally, it was my 42nd birthday. We covered a lot of ground and were told that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Our social worker has approved us but we still need to go through a couple of more channels more before getting an official ok. Our social worker gave us the information for writing our profile, so we can start to think about that.
It does feel good to have reached this point - pretty much the end of the adoption process. Reactions from friends and family have been mixed. I cannot help but feel a little disappointed by the reaction of some friends and family. For the most part, people don't know what to say. I guess they have no comprehension really of all we've been through to get this point. If I was announcing I was pregnant I would be receiving hugs and congratulations. The adoption process is described by some as a "paper pregnancy" and I really believe that it is the case. Just as if you were pregnant; you put your heart and soul into the adoption process and have to imagine a child that may come to you one day. One friend did actually say today "it's like you're pregnant" which was nice of her to say.
I guess as a couple we are being relatively open around our adoption plans. I haven't shared our plans with my work-place, however, but will have to once our profile goes into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I guess I am keen to continue to educate and advocate that there are other options to adding to one's family.
I worry sometimes that our potential adopted child may possibilibly get treated differently to our biological daughter by some family members. I suppose none of our family live in the same town so nobody has followed us closely in this process - I feel as though our motives aren't clearly understood. But really it is about our family and our desire to add to it that is the most important thing of all. Although extended family do play a part in our lives, it really isn't in a hands-on kind of a way. We just visit each other as much as we can.
I do feel a lot of relief to be at this stage in the adoption process. Our daughter has been talking about having a little sister a lot lately - almost every day. She even got her magnetic letters and asked how to spell Isobel - as she thinks that is what her little sister should be called! We are just going with it - allowing her to dream. It is a possibility that she might get a sibling at this point in time so I'm not going to squash her hopes though I do gently remind her that a baby might come - not that one is coming.
We found out yesterday that there are around eight or nine couples hoping to adopt in the town we live in and that three adoptions took place in this town last year. The odds feel promising to us though of course the numbers don't really mean a lot; it is more about the choice made by any given birth family.
Although I would say I am in a good space around SIF and the adoption process, silly comments do continue to irk me at times! Over the last week there have been a few incidences. It was hard to hear a Mum at a children's party last weekend while holding her baby declaring it was her last - I did get a pang of jealousy hearing another woman talking openly about her fertility. A friend commented when I said I had done some healing because of the IF group I started "And then you have your daughter..." - she may as well have sid "At least you have one. " In one second SIF was minimised and the comment made my blood boil. My husband and I stayed on for the first ten minutes one morning at school this week. The class was talking about babies on the way and babies who had just been born. I felt so bad for our daughter sitting there quietly while these conversations were going on. I know she feels excluded on some level that she doesn't have a sibling - or one on the way. Also at the birthday party we went to last weekend when all the kids were in a circle about to play parce-the-parcel they were talking about things and one of the questions was, who has a brother or sister at home? I guess I have dealt with enough of my SIF stuff to see and know that my daughter's desire to have a sibling is very real. I have never brought up the topic. Not once. I only ever elaborate if she starts talking about it.
I look forward to the day - at the latest in two years from now - when this is all over. Whatever happens. I look forward to concluding this long episode in our lives of hoping to add to our family. If we don't get picked by a birth family, it will be good to be able to tell our daughter that we tried and it wasn't meant to be. Although I have moved on a lot from SIF and am ready to let go of the adoption option soon too - in the sense that what will be, will be - I know there will be a part of me that will remain in limbo until the day this is all finished. I have found peace again but my heart still wants and needs an ending sometime soon. I know I can do it for another two years - wait and hope - but after that (if not before) I just want to embrace my life as it stands today.
It does feel good to have reached this point - pretty much the end of the adoption process. Reactions from friends and family have been mixed. I cannot help but feel a little disappointed by the reaction of some friends and family. For the most part, people don't know what to say. I guess they have no comprehension really of all we've been through to get this point. If I was announcing I was pregnant I would be receiving hugs and congratulations. The adoption process is described by some as a "paper pregnancy" and I really believe that it is the case. Just as if you were pregnant; you put your heart and soul into the adoption process and have to imagine a child that may come to you one day. One friend did actually say today "it's like you're pregnant" which was nice of her to say.
I guess as a couple we are being relatively open around our adoption plans. I haven't shared our plans with my work-place, however, but will have to once our profile goes into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I guess I am keen to continue to educate and advocate that there are other options to adding to one's family.
I worry sometimes that our potential adopted child may possibilibly get treated differently to our biological daughter by some family members. I suppose none of our family live in the same town so nobody has followed us closely in this process - I feel as though our motives aren't clearly understood. But really it is about our family and our desire to add to it that is the most important thing of all. Although extended family do play a part in our lives, it really isn't in a hands-on kind of a way. We just visit each other as much as we can.
I do feel a lot of relief to be at this stage in the adoption process. Our daughter has been talking about having a little sister a lot lately - almost every day. She even got her magnetic letters and asked how to spell Isobel - as she thinks that is what her little sister should be called! We are just going with it - allowing her to dream. It is a possibility that she might get a sibling at this point in time so I'm not going to squash her hopes though I do gently remind her that a baby might come - not that one is coming.
We found out yesterday that there are around eight or nine couples hoping to adopt in the town we live in and that three adoptions took place in this town last year. The odds feel promising to us though of course the numbers don't really mean a lot; it is more about the choice made by any given birth family.
Although I would say I am in a good space around SIF and the adoption process, silly comments do continue to irk me at times! Over the last week there have been a few incidences. It was hard to hear a Mum at a children's party last weekend while holding her baby declaring it was her last - I did get a pang of jealousy hearing another woman talking openly about her fertility. A friend commented when I said I had done some healing because of the IF group I started "And then you have your daughter..." - she may as well have sid "At least you have one. " In one second SIF was minimised and the comment made my blood boil. My husband and I stayed on for the first ten minutes one morning at school this week. The class was talking about babies on the way and babies who had just been born. I felt so bad for our daughter sitting there quietly while these conversations were going on. I know she feels excluded on some level that she doesn't have a sibling - or one on the way. Also at the birthday party we went to last weekend when all the kids were in a circle about to play parce-the-parcel they were talking about things and one of the questions was, who has a brother or sister at home? I guess I have dealt with enough of my SIF stuff to see and know that my daughter's desire to have a sibling is very real. I have never brought up the topic. Not once. I only ever elaborate if she starts talking about it.
I look forward to the day - at the latest in two years from now - when this is all over. Whatever happens. I look forward to concluding this long episode in our lives of hoping to add to our family. If we don't get picked by a birth family, it will be good to be able to tell our daughter that we tried and it wasn't meant to be. Although I have moved on a lot from SIF and am ready to let go of the adoption option soon too - in the sense that what will be, will be - I know there will be a part of me that will remain in limbo until the day this is all finished. I have found peace again but my heart still wants and needs an ending sometime soon. I know I can do it for another two years - wait and hope - but after that (if not before) I just want to embrace my life as it stands today.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Living in the in-between
I read a recovery book recently called Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses. The title of the book is spot-on with where I'm at in my "SIF recovery."
Things are shifting and I know that I am gaining some perspective back in my life. SIF is more in the past than in the present these days. I really do see it as something I went through. This is particularly apparent when I talk to other women who are in the earlier stages of their IF journey's. I can see my own growth and healing through others stories. It is a relief to be on the other side of it all. Perhaps I will never be one hundred percent healed - but I am at least starting to feel whole again.
I was at the swimming pool with my daughter last weekend surrounded by families of many. But instead of seeing the children I wanted; I just saw children. I was able to look at siblings and be intrigued by their similarities and differences rather than feeling full of envy that I didn't have a couple of kids myself. For so long other people's additions have been representations of the child I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. The desperation is fading. I have been asking for God's help to move on and I guess He is helping me to do that.
My daughter continues to ask about a sibling and is fascinated, I suppose, or at least likes to talk about why I can't have any more children. Those conversations do tug at my heart-strings but I think talking about/being open about it is the best thing we can do as a family. One day the topic will make more sense for all of us. When our two years is up in the prospective adoptive pool then we will be able to find complete peace as a family.
We have a bit more paperwork to fill out around the adoption process. Our next appointment is next Thursday which is concidentially my 42nd birthday, and possibly our last appointment. We were meant to go in today actually for an appointment but I altered it as I wanted to go to the theatre with my daughter's school to see Peter And The Wolf. We've only delayed the adoption process by a week which isn't much, in the grand scheme of things. It felt good to choose an outing with my daughter over the bid to add another child to our family. My daughter has invariably suffered because of SIF, even if just subtly. I guess in time I will make the appropriate amends to her - but for now just enjoying and relishing my Mum-of-one time speaks volumes for the two of us.
Our social worker wants us to answer a few questions by email as she wants to wind things up soon as our appointment times are shorter than she'd like them to be because of my husbands availability during the working week. The thing is, although on one hand I want to be done and dusted with this adoption process I do, on the other hand, want to take our time and not feel pushed into completing it. I have been processing a lot emotionally as we've gone through the process and have needed the time between appointments to digest things.
For me the adoption process - particularly these last few months where we have picked things up again after stopping the process for eight months - has come with a lot of healing. It hasn't always been easy as it has been about truly letting go of our original dream to have another biological child. But somehow, letting go of this dream while we continue to open up ourselves to the possibility of adopting a child has put a lot more distance between myself and SIF.
Now that I can look back at my life and acknowledge other painful losses that I survived; I can now see that I have also survived SIF. It was I think one of the biggest losses in my life to go through - mainly because of how invisible SIF is to the rest of the world and all the misconceptions that come with it. I think for me a lot of spiritual and emotional growth has come about because of SIF and this can be summarised by the following excerpt:
"We may fear that if we let go of our old hopes and dreams, we won't have anything to take their place. These fears are natural enough. When we let go of our old dreams, we may need to stand in a place of not knowing for a while. This in-between place may feel uncomfortable, yet it is often the place where we can begin to build new dreams. It is this place of not knowing that, for many of us, becomes an integral part of our spiritual growth." (P. 169, Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses)
I did write a bucket list over the last week which isn't actually that long. I lived a pretty full life before SIF so have done many things I wanted to do in life. Seeing the bucket list written down has helped me see that although SIF/the adoption process has interrupted a good (almost) four years of my life; it hasn't impacted on the rest of my dreams. I lost one very big dream - to have another child and SIF buried the rest of my dreams in the process. For a long time I was afraid to dream. But I am ready to start resurrecting some of these dreams again. I have decided to give myself until we are finished with the adoption process and then I will start up, in particular, some of my creative dreams again. I am ready to finish the adoption process soon and to just carry on with things - which is all we can do anyway.
A friend I haven't seen for a while who went through IF and has completed her family commented that I wouldn't want to be too old (adding to our family) when I shared that we were almost done with the adoption process. Believe me I didn't want to be hoping to add to our family in my early-40s but it is just the way it has turned out. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt from SIF is that life comes with the unexpected; some things can be planned for in life but some unforeseeable events happen which can change the course of our lives. Not only that: the unexpected can rock our inner worlds in ways we never thought imaginable. It has taken me a long, long time to reach this place I am in today in which faith and hope is emerging again. After years of grappling with pain, loss and grief, it is certainly reassuring to know that I have made progress during this in-between time in my life.
Things are shifting and I know that I am gaining some perspective back in my life. SIF is more in the past than in the present these days. I really do see it as something I went through. This is particularly apparent when I talk to other women who are in the earlier stages of their IF journey's. I can see my own growth and healing through others stories. It is a relief to be on the other side of it all. Perhaps I will never be one hundred percent healed - but I am at least starting to feel whole again.
I was at the swimming pool with my daughter last weekend surrounded by families of many. But instead of seeing the children I wanted; I just saw children. I was able to look at siblings and be intrigued by their similarities and differences rather than feeling full of envy that I didn't have a couple of kids myself. For so long other people's additions have been representations of the child I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. The desperation is fading. I have been asking for God's help to move on and I guess He is helping me to do that.
My daughter continues to ask about a sibling and is fascinated, I suppose, or at least likes to talk about why I can't have any more children. Those conversations do tug at my heart-strings but I think talking about/being open about it is the best thing we can do as a family. One day the topic will make more sense for all of us. When our two years is up in the prospective adoptive pool then we will be able to find complete peace as a family.
We have a bit more paperwork to fill out around the adoption process. Our next appointment is next Thursday which is concidentially my 42nd birthday, and possibly our last appointment. We were meant to go in today actually for an appointment but I altered it as I wanted to go to the theatre with my daughter's school to see Peter And The Wolf. We've only delayed the adoption process by a week which isn't much, in the grand scheme of things. It felt good to choose an outing with my daughter over the bid to add another child to our family. My daughter has invariably suffered because of SIF, even if just subtly. I guess in time I will make the appropriate amends to her - but for now just enjoying and relishing my Mum-of-one time speaks volumes for the two of us.
Our social worker wants us to answer a few questions by email as she wants to wind things up soon as our appointment times are shorter than she'd like them to be because of my husbands availability during the working week. The thing is, although on one hand I want to be done and dusted with this adoption process I do, on the other hand, want to take our time and not feel pushed into completing it. I have been processing a lot emotionally as we've gone through the process and have needed the time between appointments to digest things.
For me the adoption process - particularly these last few months where we have picked things up again after stopping the process for eight months - has come with a lot of healing. It hasn't always been easy as it has been about truly letting go of our original dream to have another biological child. But somehow, letting go of this dream while we continue to open up ourselves to the possibility of adopting a child has put a lot more distance between myself and SIF.
Now that I can look back at my life and acknowledge other painful losses that I survived; I can now see that I have also survived SIF. It was I think one of the biggest losses in my life to go through - mainly because of how invisible SIF is to the rest of the world and all the misconceptions that come with it. I think for me a lot of spiritual and emotional growth has come about because of SIF and this can be summarised by the following excerpt:
"We may fear that if we let go of our old hopes and dreams, we won't have anything to take their place. These fears are natural enough. When we let go of our old dreams, we may need to stand in a place of not knowing for a while. This in-between place may feel uncomfortable, yet it is often the place where we can begin to build new dreams. It is this place of not knowing that, for many of us, becomes an integral part of our spiritual growth." (P. 169, Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses)
I did write a bucket list over the last week which isn't actually that long. I lived a pretty full life before SIF so have done many things I wanted to do in life. Seeing the bucket list written down has helped me see that although SIF/the adoption process has interrupted a good (almost) four years of my life; it hasn't impacted on the rest of my dreams. I lost one very big dream - to have another child and SIF buried the rest of my dreams in the process. For a long time I was afraid to dream. But I am ready to start resurrecting some of these dreams again. I have decided to give myself until we are finished with the adoption process and then I will start up, in particular, some of my creative dreams again. I am ready to finish the adoption process soon and to just carry on with things - which is all we can do anyway.
A friend I haven't seen for a while who went through IF and has completed her family commented that I wouldn't want to be too old (adding to our family) when I shared that we were almost done with the adoption process. Believe me I didn't want to be hoping to add to our family in my early-40s but it is just the way it has turned out. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt from SIF is that life comes with the unexpected; some things can be planned for in life but some unforeseeable events happen which can change the course of our lives. Not only that: the unexpected can rock our inner worlds in ways we never thought imaginable. It has taken me a long, long time to reach this place I am in today in which faith and hope is emerging again. After years of grappling with pain, loss and grief, it is certainly reassuring to know that I have made progress during this in-between time in my life.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
On trusting God, trusting life
I just had a good friend round for a cuppa. She's a very special friend to me in lots of ways. In her mid-60s, she has experienced her fair share of grief and loss in her life. The most heart-breaking of all was losing two of her adult sons (out of six children) several years apart. Her losses have given her an incredible insight and understanding with loss in any form in life. For that reason, I feel so safe and heard when I share with her about SIF and adoption.
I have found out so many things about myself on this almost four year journey to add to our family. I guess what I've realised lately is my whole perspective on life has shifted as a consequence of this journey. In my early-20s I lost three friends within five years. It was a shock to realise how abruptly life could end. It sparked me to live my life as if there was no tomorrow. I ended up travelling, having lots of fun, studying - I crammed a lot of life into those years as I feared I might run out of time and didn't want to look back at a wasted life - or worse, thought I better make the most of things in case my time too might get cut short.
The early deaths of my friends caused me to feel so vulnerable for quite some time in life. Yet they weren't the only life events that cause me to become wide open. I had several destructive relationships also in my twenties - some came with infidelity and that really rocked me to the core. I could not understand how someone else could cheat on a person they supposedly loved. It took me a long time to get over that.
So I am a seasoned traveller as far as the misfortunes, disappointments and heartbreaks in life go. Yet somehow, even with this stuff happening in my life, I have tried to make the most of what I have.
SIF was of course another season of major loss in my life that brought me to my knees perhaps in more ways than the former mentioned personal tragedies. I guess with death there eventually comes acceptance that everyone dies some time - even if their time here was too short. With infidelity I learnt a lot about myself - the importance of self-love and wholeness when choosing a partner/starting a relationship helps. I wasn't a "whole woman" when I dated the men who broke my heart. And, as painful as breakups can be, there are always more fish in the sea.
SIF has been the most challenging personal tragedy of all to reconcile because quite simply, what does replace the longing for another child? Almost four years into this quest to add to our family; and I've no idea. Adoption is our Plan B. We are nearly through the adoption process. It has been somewhat harrowing but I've pretty much survived it. At least we are one step closer to a conclusion/an ending to hoping to add to our family. At the most I might only have to wait another two years to find out how it's all going to end.
Because of SIF and living with the grief that comes with not being able to conceive; I have learnt how unexpected losses in life can change us forever. At one point I thought I was wasting my life processing all this grief. But the philosophies I had as a 20-something no longer apply. Sure, I don't know when my time will be up but I now have a deeper understanding of who I am and how I am wired. I entered recovery some 14 years ago and have chosen a spiritual path - life is no longer about achievements for me - it is about spiritual and emotional growth.
Yet I do want to make the most of the time I have left on this planet, so am taking on a little of my 20-something attitude as I am going to write my bucket list - a list of things I hope to do before I die. I know I will feel - or do feel - in limbo all over again now that we are close to being in the prospective adoptive parents pool. So if I can start ticking off some things on my bucket list; then perhaps I won't feel as though life isn't moving anywhere.
Having said that (that life isn't moving anywhere), I do have a sense of late that my life is moving forward. I do feel God's hand in my life. Little things are coming together. Like I've now been in my job for nine months and I feel quite comfortable/settled in it. We've been in our first home for five months now - and I also feel both comfortable and settled here. We will be getting a significant amount of tax back soon which we are going to put aside as an emergency fund but also for lawyers fees/travelling to pick up a baby - if we get picked by a birth family. It is such a relief to know we have that money already. I also phoned up family assistance and found out we are eligible for the equivalent of $60NZ less a week that I currently bring in through my job. This means I would be able to either quit my job and be a fulltime Mum again for at least a year - or perhaps get a years maternity leave. Either way, I won't have to put our potential child into childcare under the age of one which is a huge relief!
Our next appointment with our social worker is meant to be next Thursday but I will have to change the time if not date as it clashes with a trip to the theatre my daughter is going on, and I really want to go too. Although I am keen to wind things up on the adoption front; I still don't feel a sense of urgency to complete the process. God is guiding us through the process in his own time and way. I have more faith and hope at the moment that my life will open up again soon - whatever the future holds on the baby front.
I have found out so many things about myself on this almost four year journey to add to our family. I guess what I've realised lately is my whole perspective on life has shifted as a consequence of this journey. In my early-20s I lost three friends within five years. It was a shock to realise how abruptly life could end. It sparked me to live my life as if there was no tomorrow. I ended up travelling, having lots of fun, studying - I crammed a lot of life into those years as I feared I might run out of time and didn't want to look back at a wasted life - or worse, thought I better make the most of things in case my time too might get cut short.
The early deaths of my friends caused me to feel so vulnerable for quite some time in life. Yet they weren't the only life events that cause me to become wide open. I had several destructive relationships also in my twenties - some came with infidelity and that really rocked me to the core. I could not understand how someone else could cheat on a person they supposedly loved. It took me a long time to get over that.
So I am a seasoned traveller as far as the misfortunes, disappointments and heartbreaks in life go. Yet somehow, even with this stuff happening in my life, I have tried to make the most of what I have.
SIF was of course another season of major loss in my life that brought me to my knees perhaps in more ways than the former mentioned personal tragedies. I guess with death there eventually comes acceptance that everyone dies some time - even if their time here was too short. With infidelity I learnt a lot about myself - the importance of self-love and wholeness when choosing a partner/starting a relationship helps. I wasn't a "whole woman" when I dated the men who broke my heart. And, as painful as breakups can be, there are always more fish in the sea.
SIF has been the most challenging personal tragedy of all to reconcile because quite simply, what does replace the longing for another child? Almost four years into this quest to add to our family; and I've no idea. Adoption is our Plan B. We are nearly through the adoption process. It has been somewhat harrowing but I've pretty much survived it. At least we are one step closer to a conclusion/an ending to hoping to add to our family. At the most I might only have to wait another two years to find out how it's all going to end.
Because of SIF and living with the grief that comes with not being able to conceive; I have learnt how unexpected losses in life can change us forever. At one point I thought I was wasting my life processing all this grief. But the philosophies I had as a 20-something no longer apply. Sure, I don't know when my time will be up but I now have a deeper understanding of who I am and how I am wired. I entered recovery some 14 years ago and have chosen a spiritual path - life is no longer about achievements for me - it is about spiritual and emotional growth.
Yet I do want to make the most of the time I have left on this planet, so am taking on a little of my 20-something attitude as I am going to write my bucket list - a list of things I hope to do before I die. I know I will feel - or do feel - in limbo all over again now that we are close to being in the prospective adoptive parents pool. So if I can start ticking off some things on my bucket list; then perhaps I won't feel as though life isn't moving anywhere.
Having said that (that life isn't moving anywhere), I do have a sense of late that my life is moving forward. I do feel God's hand in my life. Little things are coming together. Like I've now been in my job for nine months and I feel quite comfortable/settled in it. We've been in our first home for five months now - and I also feel both comfortable and settled here. We will be getting a significant amount of tax back soon which we are going to put aside as an emergency fund but also for lawyers fees/travelling to pick up a baby - if we get picked by a birth family. It is such a relief to know we have that money already. I also phoned up family assistance and found out we are eligible for the equivalent of $60NZ less a week that I currently bring in through my job. This means I would be able to either quit my job and be a fulltime Mum again for at least a year - or perhaps get a years maternity leave. Either way, I won't have to put our potential child into childcare under the age of one which is a huge relief!
Our next appointment with our social worker is meant to be next Thursday but I will have to change the time if not date as it clashes with a trip to the theatre my daughter is going on, and I really want to go too. Although I am keen to wind things up on the adoption front; I still don't feel a sense of urgency to complete the process. God is guiding us through the process in his own time and way. I have more faith and hope at the moment that my life will open up again soon - whatever the future holds on the baby front.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I don't want to be that woman
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who suffers a big challenge in life and becomes a beckon of hope for other women. I don't want to be her. I want to experience my own miracle.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who has lost faith and hope that dreams can come true. The one whose life has shrunk considerably in reaction to a very big loss.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who is challenged being around women who have what I want. I don't want to be full of envy. I want to share motherhood with other women instead of feeling like I don't fit in.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who has spent almost four years wanting another child. I hate that this desire has taken away from the enjoyment of being a Mum of one. I wish God would help me move on as I don't know how.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who cries behind closed doors everytime she sees another baby or another sibling is added to another family. I want to feel complete with what I have. God help me to find peace within all this.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who feels stuck in life. I seem to have lost all direction and it has killed my spirit. God help me to find my place in this life again.
The one who suffers a big challenge in life and becomes a beckon of hope for other women. I don't want to be her. I want to experience my own miracle.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who has lost faith and hope that dreams can come true. The one whose life has shrunk considerably in reaction to a very big loss.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who is challenged being around women who have what I want. I don't want to be full of envy. I want to share motherhood with other women instead of feeling like I don't fit in.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who has spent almost four years wanting another child. I hate that this desire has taken away from the enjoyment of being a Mum of one. I wish God would help me move on as I don't know how.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who cries behind closed doors everytime she sees another baby or another sibling is added to another family. I want to feel complete with what I have. God help me to find peace within all this.
I don't want to be that woman...
The one who feels stuck in life. I seem to have lost all direction and it has killed my spirit. God help me to find my place in this life again.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Home Visit
We had our home visit this morning. It was our third appointment within six weeks with our assigned Social Worker from Adoption Services. It went well. I always seem to get pretty nervous about these appointments three or four days out - and especially this one, being in our home and all. But it was okay. We are making progress. We have another appointment at Adoption Services in two weeks time. We've been given a small amount of paperwork to do before then. Our social worker today said in so many words that we've pretty much made it into the pool - that there was nothing of concern to indicate that we wouldn't be accepted as prospective adoptive parents. We will receive an official letter telling us we have been accepted in the near future - as is the protocol with Adoption Services.
I have been in a wierd space of late. A friend in her sixties passed away last week from terminal cancer and I went to the funeral. I knew her well in some respects - but I didn't know her family. To hear her grandchildren saying prayers for her in the church with a microphone really got to me. I guess I have always thought that life is about the relationships we have ultimately - with our friends and family. As I watched her children and grandchildren sharing stories and prayers about her; I just felt so confused somehow about my own path - and that confusion is still sitting there a week later. I have been questioning what it's all about - life - as is probably natural after going to a funeral. I feel all I have been trying to do for the last almost four years is complete a family. I never expected life to be perfect because I know it isn't. But it still doesn't seem right and fair that this very basic need of mine to have my family completed is such a challenge. I feel as though life hasn't yet started properly for me somehow with all this waiting around for another child.
I just feel so frustrated and annoyed about the whole deal all over again. I have accepted my grief around this gap that exists in my heart and therefore within our family to have another child. But I seem to be stuck in this place of limbo-land and cannot move too far forward; no matter how hard I try - or want to try.
If God doesn't want me to mother another child then I would like to know what the hell I am meant to be doing on this planet. I feel lost and without a true purpose right now. Some people have strong vocations or passions in life but I am not really one of them. I cannot help but wonder that since motherhood has been the only vocation and true passion in my life thus far; and if I can't do it again - well, what am I meant to do?
I bought some canvasses the other week and have two entry forms for a couple of short story competitions coming up. But the desire to be creative isn't really there right now. I just don't seem to have any get up and go.
Throughout SIF/the aftermath of SIF I got the opportunity to get to know myself very well. I feel as though I understand myself in mind, body and soul. But who I am in the world/what I am meant to do - I have no idea. I guess for now I just have to continue "being" and praying for God to show me where He wants me to go.
Pre-SIF I was striving and achieving in life and somehow, post-SIF, it is as though I have no goals or ambition left. I feel as though I am functioning at a very basic level and my life is pretty small. Because of early menopause; I have to keep my life simple. I guess I am partly grieving the woman I used to be four years ago - the vibrant, fun Mum who had so many creative pursuits and interests.
I no longer let SIF or my experience of SIF define me - but it has most certainly affected me. I wonder if I will ever find my inner-zing again or if this is the new me - flat as a pancake most of the time.
I had the infertility support group meeting last night. Just two of us attended. It was okay - good in lots of ways. I have committed to hosting the group monthly for the rest of the year. But if numbers are for the most part small, then I might consider running bimonthly meetings in 2011. I will of course talk to the group about it as the year comes to a close.
I am rundown in mind, body and soul right now. Physically I am in need of some pampering, spiritually I need to continue to strengthen my relationship with God and mentally I just need to continue to rest. It just continues to seem to be a time of rest and recuperation as I deal with the aftermath of SIF and we go through the adoption process.
The neighbour across the road, who had her third child recently asked me round for a cuppa sometime. It was nice of her but I am in two minds about it. I told her I would once her Mum had left. I guess I can make it a quick visit. Her baby must be about four weeks old now. My husband and I went to a school assembly the other week and our daughter got an award at assembly - and then this neighbour's daughter read a story out she had written about her new baby brother and how much she loved him. It is still after all this time, so hard to hear an older sibling talking about a younger sibling.
My daughter has had some pretty bad meltdowns of late - one left me with scratches on my face. Sometimes I wonder if God thinks we have enough on our plates with just one child with ASD. If He thinks that I really wish he'd take my desire away to add to our family. Close to four years seems like too much time to be waiting - it feels like such a waste.
I have been in a wierd space of late. A friend in her sixties passed away last week from terminal cancer and I went to the funeral. I knew her well in some respects - but I didn't know her family. To hear her grandchildren saying prayers for her in the church with a microphone really got to me. I guess I have always thought that life is about the relationships we have ultimately - with our friends and family. As I watched her children and grandchildren sharing stories and prayers about her; I just felt so confused somehow about my own path - and that confusion is still sitting there a week later. I have been questioning what it's all about - life - as is probably natural after going to a funeral. I feel all I have been trying to do for the last almost four years is complete a family. I never expected life to be perfect because I know it isn't. But it still doesn't seem right and fair that this very basic need of mine to have my family completed is such a challenge. I feel as though life hasn't yet started properly for me somehow with all this waiting around for another child.
I just feel so frustrated and annoyed about the whole deal all over again. I have accepted my grief around this gap that exists in my heart and therefore within our family to have another child. But I seem to be stuck in this place of limbo-land and cannot move too far forward; no matter how hard I try - or want to try.
If God doesn't want me to mother another child then I would like to know what the hell I am meant to be doing on this planet. I feel lost and without a true purpose right now. Some people have strong vocations or passions in life but I am not really one of them. I cannot help but wonder that since motherhood has been the only vocation and true passion in my life thus far; and if I can't do it again - well, what am I meant to do?
I bought some canvasses the other week and have two entry forms for a couple of short story competitions coming up. But the desire to be creative isn't really there right now. I just don't seem to have any get up and go.
Throughout SIF/the aftermath of SIF I got the opportunity to get to know myself very well. I feel as though I understand myself in mind, body and soul. But who I am in the world/what I am meant to do - I have no idea. I guess for now I just have to continue "being" and praying for God to show me where He wants me to go.
Pre-SIF I was striving and achieving in life and somehow, post-SIF, it is as though I have no goals or ambition left. I feel as though I am functioning at a very basic level and my life is pretty small. Because of early menopause; I have to keep my life simple. I guess I am partly grieving the woman I used to be four years ago - the vibrant, fun Mum who had so many creative pursuits and interests.
I no longer let SIF or my experience of SIF define me - but it has most certainly affected me. I wonder if I will ever find my inner-zing again or if this is the new me - flat as a pancake most of the time.
I had the infertility support group meeting last night. Just two of us attended. It was okay - good in lots of ways. I have committed to hosting the group monthly for the rest of the year. But if numbers are for the most part small, then I might consider running bimonthly meetings in 2011. I will of course talk to the group about it as the year comes to a close.
I am rundown in mind, body and soul right now. Physically I am in need of some pampering, spiritually I need to continue to strengthen my relationship with God and mentally I just need to continue to rest. It just continues to seem to be a time of rest and recuperation as I deal with the aftermath of SIF and we go through the adoption process.
The neighbour across the road, who had her third child recently asked me round for a cuppa sometime. It was nice of her but I am in two minds about it. I told her I would once her Mum had left. I guess I can make it a quick visit. Her baby must be about four weeks old now. My husband and I went to a school assembly the other week and our daughter got an award at assembly - and then this neighbour's daughter read a story out she had written about her new baby brother and how much she loved him. It is still after all this time, so hard to hear an older sibling talking about a younger sibling.
My daughter has had some pretty bad meltdowns of late - one left me with scratches on my face. Sometimes I wonder if God thinks we have enough on our plates with just one child with ASD. If He thinks that I really wish he'd take my desire away to add to our family. Close to four years seems like too much time to be waiting - it feels like such a waste.
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