In The Meantime

Now that we are near the end of the adoption process and all we pretty much have to do is write a profile and submit it (into the prospective adoptive parents pool); I find myself feeling a bit lost all over again. It is a strange place to be. There is a lot of relief to have reached this point, excitement on one hand on what could happen, and then fear on another hand around what might not happen. This is it for us - our last chance at parenthood for the second time. How can I not be feeling a little vulnerable?

When we first got the news that we had been unofficially accepted into the prospective adoptive parents this week I felt quite open about it and shared the news with friends and family who I was in contact with. However I have shut down around our news now and don't feel like sharing it much at all. I suppose I will continue to have ups and downs even within this time of nearing the end of the adoption process - and probably even when we are waiting in the pool. It's not like a place of one hundred percent acceptance and peace is ever achieved - I do have to remind myself of that - I'm only human and we are putting ourselves out there right now.

We went to a one year old birthday party yesterday. It was very sweet. But one of the relatives there knows about our adoption plans and I had never told her directly. I just didn't want to update her, so when she asked I just said something like everything was just moving along. She also commented on the newspaper article about me and the IF group I started - within a group of people I didn't know. I just didn't want to share my SIF stuff in that context. I'm open to a certain extent, but there is a time and a place for talking about SIF, I do believe. I just wasn't in the mood.

I guess some feelings have come up again post-SIF and post-adoption process. I know I am in a much better place these days. The resentments I used to have towards of Mums of more than one child are subsiding. I think I will actually be able to go and have a cuppa soon with the neighbour across the road whose third child was born about two months ago. I am able to talk more to Mums of more than one about their offspring now. I even commented to one Mum of two yesterday at the swimming pool that her kids were gorgeous - because they were.

There is just a wee sadness sitting with me today. Grief, I guess. I suppose giving myself permission to move on from SIF is harder some days than other days. Carrying on with life sometimes feels as though I am giving up on a dream. I want to make the most of my life as it stands today but the ghost of the child that hasn't yet come to us haunts me a lot of the time.

This week, just a few days before my birthday was my due date from three years ago. Our second child would have been three years old. I spoke to her on that day and said if she wanted to stay in the spirit world/in heaven then that was fine. I said I just wanted her to be happy and that we all missed her and that I loved her. It might sound strange, but for the last three years I have felt the spirit of a female around me. She is there but whether or not she will join our family; I don't know.

In the meantime I just have to keep focusing on today - to keep being gentle with myself while allowing myself to hope and dream.