I just had a good friend round for a cuppa. She's a very special friend to me in lots of ways. In her mid-60s, she has experienced her fair share of grief and loss in her life. The most heart-breaking of all was losing two of her adult sons (out of six children) several years apart. Her losses have given her an incredible insight and understanding with loss in any form in life. For that reason, I feel so safe and heard when I share with her about SIF and adoption.
I have found out so many things about myself on this almost four year journey to add to our family. I guess what I've realised lately is my whole perspective on life has shifted as a consequence of this journey. In my early-20s I lost three friends within five years. It was a shock to realise how abruptly life could end. It sparked me to live my life as if there was no tomorrow. I ended up travelling, having lots of fun, studying - I crammed a lot of life into those years as I feared I might run out of time and didn't want to look back at a wasted life - or worse, thought I better make the most of things in case my time too might get cut short.
The early deaths of my friends caused me to feel so vulnerable for quite some time in life. Yet they weren't the only life events that cause me to become wide open. I had several destructive relationships also in my twenties - some came with infidelity and that really rocked me to the core. I could not understand how someone else could cheat on a person they supposedly loved. It took me a long time to get over that.
So I am a seasoned traveller as far as the misfortunes, disappointments and heartbreaks in life go. Yet somehow, even with this stuff happening in my life, I have tried to make the most of what I have.
SIF was of course another season of major loss in my life that brought me to my knees perhaps in more ways than the former mentioned personal tragedies. I guess with death there eventually comes acceptance that everyone dies some time - even if their time here was too short. With infidelity I learnt a lot about myself - the importance of self-love and wholeness when choosing a partner/starting a relationship helps. I wasn't a "whole woman" when I dated the men who broke my heart. And, as painful as breakups can be, there are always more fish in the sea.
SIF has been the most challenging personal tragedy of all to reconcile because quite simply, what does replace the longing for another child? Almost four years into this quest to add to our family; and I've no idea. Adoption is our Plan B. We are nearly through the adoption process. It has been somewhat harrowing but I've pretty much survived it. At least we are one step closer to a conclusion/an ending to hoping to add to our family. At the most I might only have to wait another two years to find out how it's all going to end.
Because of SIF and living with the grief that comes with not being able to conceive; I have learnt how unexpected losses in life can change us forever. At one point I thought I was wasting my life processing all this grief. But the philosophies I had as a 20-something no longer apply. Sure, I don't know when my time will be up but I now have a deeper understanding of who I am and how I am wired. I entered recovery some 14 years ago and have chosen a spiritual path - life is no longer about achievements for me - it is about spiritual and emotional growth.
Yet I do want to make the most of the time I have left on this planet, so am taking on a little of my 20-something attitude as I am going to write my bucket list - a list of things I hope to do before I die. I know I will feel - or do feel - in limbo all over again now that we are close to being in the prospective adoptive parents pool. So if I can start ticking off some things on my bucket list; then perhaps I won't feel as though life isn't moving anywhere.
Having said that (that life isn't moving anywhere), I do have a sense of late that my life is moving forward. I do feel God's hand in my life. Little things are coming together. Like I've now been in my job for nine months and I feel quite comfortable/settled in it. We've been in our first home for five months now - and I also feel both comfortable and settled here. We will be getting a significant amount of tax back soon which we are going to put aside as an emergency fund but also for lawyers fees/travelling to pick up a baby - if we get picked by a birth family. It is such a relief to know we have that money already. I also phoned up family assistance and found out we are eligible for the equivalent of $60NZ less a week that I currently bring in through my job. This means I would be able to either quit my job and be a fulltime Mum again for at least a year - or perhaps get a years maternity leave. Either way, I won't have to put our potential child into childcare under the age of one which is a huge relief!
Our next appointment with our social worker is meant to be next Thursday but I will have to change the time if not date as it clashes with a trip to the theatre my daughter is going on, and I really want to go too. Although I am keen to wind things up on the adoption front; I still don't feel a sense of urgency to complete the process. God is guiding us through the process in his own time and way. I have more faith and hope at the moment that my life will open up again soon - whatever the future holds on the baby front.
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