We had our home visit this morning. It was our third appointment within six weeks with our assigned Social Worker from Adoption Services. It went well. I always seem to get pretty nervous about these appointments three or four days out - and especially this one, being in our home and all. But it was okay. We are making progress. We have another appointment at Adoption Services in two weeks time. We've been given a small amount of paperwork to do before then. Our social worker today said in so many words that we've pretty much made it into the pool - that there was nothing of concern to indicate that we wouldn't be accepted as prospective adoptive parents. We will receive an official letter telling us we have been accepted in the near future - as is the protocol with Adoption Services.
I have been in a wierd space of late. A friend in her sixties passed away last week from terminal cancer and I went to the funeral. I knew her well in some respects - but I didn't know her family. To hear her grandchildren saying prayers for her in the church with a microphone really got to me. I guess I have always thought that life is about the relationships we have ultimately - with our friends and family. As I watched her children and grandchildren sharing stories and prayers about her; I just felt so confused somehow about my own path - and that confusion is still sitting there a week later. I have been questioning what it's all about - life - as is probably natural after going to a funeral. I feel all I have been trying to do for the last almost four years is complete a family. I never expected life to be perfect because I know it isn't. But it still doesn't seem right and fair that this very basic need of mine to have my family completed is such a challenge. I feel as though life hasn't yet started properly for me somehow with all this waiting around for another child.
I just feel so frustrated and annoyed about the whole deal all over again. I have accepted my grief around this gap that exists in my heart and therefore within our family to have another child. But I seem to be stuck in this place of limbo-land and cannot move too far forward; no matter how hard I try - or want to try.
If God doesn't want me to mother another child then I would like to know what the hell I am meant to be doing on this planet. I feel lost and without a true purpose right now. Some people have strong vocations or passions in life but I am not really one of them. I cannot help but wonder that since motherhood has been the only vocation and true passion in my life thus far; and if I can't do it again - well, what am I meant to do?
I bought some canvasses the other week and have two entry forms for a couple of short story competitions coming up. But the desire to be creative isn't really there right now. I just don't seem to have any get up and go.
Throughout SIF/the aftermath of SIF I got the opportunity to get to know myself very well. I feel as though I understand myself in mind, body and soul. But who I am in the world/what I am meant to do - I have no idea. I guess for now I just have to continue "being" and praying for God to show me where He wants me to go.
Pre-SIF I was striving and achieving in life and somehow, post-SIF, it is as though I have no goals or ambition left. I feel as though I am functioning at a very basic level and my life is pretty small. Because of early menopause; I have to keep my life simple. I guess I am partly grieving the woman I used to be four years ago - the vibrant, fun Mum who had so many creative pursuits and interests.
I no longer let SIF or my experience of SIF define me - but it has most certainly affected me. I wonder if I will ever find my inner-zing again or if this is the new me - flat as a pancake most of the time.
I had the infertility support group meeting last night. Just two of us attended. It was okay - good in lots of ways. I have committed to hosting the group monthly for the rest of the year. But if numbers are for the most part small, then I might consider running bimonthly meetings in 2011. I will of course talk to the group about it as the year comes to a close.
I am rundown in mind, body and soul right now. Physically I am in need of some pampering, spiritually I need to continue to strengthen my relationship with God and mentally I just need to continue to rest. It just continues to seem to be a time of rest and recuperation as I deal with the aftermath of SIF and we go through the adoption process.
The neighbour across the road, who had her third child recently asked me round for a cuppa sometime. It was nice of her but I am in two minds about it. I told her I would once her Mum had left. I guess I can make it a quick visit. Her baby must be about four weeks old now. My husband and I went to a school assembly the other week and our daughter got an award at assembly - and then this neighbour's daughter read a story out she had written about her new baby brother and how much she loved him. It is still after all this time, so hard to hear an older sibling talking about a younger sibling.
My daughter has had some pretty bad meltdowns of late - one left me with scratches on my face. Sometimes I wonder if God thinks we have enough on our plates with just one child with ASD. If He thinks that I really wish he'd take my desire away to add to our family. Close to four years seems like too much time to be waiting - it feels like such a waste.
No comments:
Post a Comment