It feels as though this last quarter of the adoption process is going relatively fast. In between appointments with our assigned Social Worker I am a bundle of nerves. But I am fine once we are in there - being questioned as such - about every aspect of our lives.
After over three years of SIF I felt so ripped off by the God of my understanding. I felt like I only wanted one little thing, really - to be a mother again - to have another biological child. It turned out that was a big thing to ask for, in God's eyes. It wasn't so simple in the end - it was request God was unable to fulfill.
Naturally - well, I think it has been a natural response - I've been a little peeved at God. I do not understand and probably never will get why motherhood comes so, so easily for many women - even to women who don't even want it.
Yet God has directed me down the path of adoption. We have been warned that the chances of it working out are slim by the social workers themselves. Well, in so many words they have given us the stats and said we could get picked the next day after going into the prospective adoptive parents pool - or we may never get picked. It really is that black and white.
I have been trying to hold back with my adoption fantasies. I said to my husband that when a close friend comes to stay at the end of the year, with her one year old that we could have two babies in the house! He looked at me blankly. "You know, adoption..." I said. But he responded by saying it was most unlikely that would happen. So I took off my rose-coloured glasses and have been leaning more on the pessimistic side of adoption working out for us lately. But that is no fun. It is not good for one's psyche thinking in the long-term that dreams are unlikely to be delivered. So I've decided, because we are only in the pool for two years, why not dream a little. Because dreams are free, aren't they?
I find it so hard to live in the grey - to think that adoption could - or couldn't work out. I guess I will change a lot in the way I sit within the adoption process over the next few months and the time that we are in the actual prospective adoptive parents pool. Once again this limbo-land place with adding to our family impacts our lives in both small and significant ways. Other Mums I know of one child the same age as mine are retraining/changing jobs or looking to the next thing now that their child is settled at school. But I cannot plan too far ahead; just in case we get "the call" - the call telling us that we have been picked by a birth family.
So I'm not sure what exactly I am meant to be doing with myself as we head towards the end of the adoption process. Some creative urges have started up again so I guess I will go with those - paintings and short stories. I just cannot help but feel as though I am waiting for a big part of my life to "start" and I am almost 42! I am so looking forward to the day when the door is closed on all this - that we are either given another child - or not. Just to have an answer, a conclusion will be a relief at this stage - whatever it is.
Sarah McLachlan's song Angel has always been an amazing song to me. But right now some of the lyrics seem so apt for where I'm at - hoping and waiting for a second chance to add to our family.
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