Handing one's will and life over to the care of God isn't always easy. I am finding handing over the outcome - on whether or not adoption will work out for us - to be a bit of a challenge.
While I don't feel as desperate as I did within SIF; I do feel fearful and quite apprehensive around going through the adoption process. Some days I think it will work for us; I really feel that. Other days I feel as though we - or least I - am kidding myself. I feel as though we are buying a lotto ticket to add to our family as with domestic adoption here in New Zealand, it is up to the birth families to make a choice. And that hangs over me - we might get chosen or we might not get chosen.
There are approximately 86 children available for adoption a year in New Zealand and there are around three hundred prospective adoptive parents in the pool at any given time. Our population is almost four million. If you work out the odds there is a 33% chance that we could get picked. However I know the prospective adoptive parents pool doesn't work like that - the social workers give the birth family several profiles to look at (no idea how many) and a selection is made from that. But still, it is tempting to look at the stats and to think we are taking a huge risk going through the adoption process.
My husband wants to delay next weeks appointment because of work-stuff. But I just want to get this whole adoption process over and done with. In September it will be FOUR years of hoping to add to our family. We stopped the adoption process for eight months (for very good reasons). But I want to and need to keep going with the process now. My husband, although he of course wants to add to our family, doesn't share the same burning desire to keep things moving. That sense of urgency isn't there. Maybe I am a little more desperate than I think...
Anyway, over the last few months I have been working hard on the self-care stuff. I know that if I don't get enough rest or downtime; my menopausal symptoms are more severe. I know over the last week or two I haven't had the rest I need so I will endeavour to get things back on track.
I'm still waiting for the IF specialist to come back to me with an official letter/diagnosis from back in April. I was told the beginning of June. Hmmmm. Guess I need to phone the clinic up to remind them once again...
I'm not good at limbo land - even after all this time. I cannot maintain the casual approach required with domestic adoption in this country - that it may work out or not. I cannot pretend that if it doesn't work out at this point in time that I will be okay with that outcome. Sure, I will have to deal with it if that is how things go. But I don't want to underplay what a big deal this is to me.
I have work stresses going on and that doesn't help things. But it is now the school holidays and my Dad and family are coming down and we will be heading away for a few days at the end of next week. I think I need a break. The emotions that come with hoping for another child are taxing. It seems it is part of the package deal - I can't want another child and go through hoops to have one without all this emotional stuff coming up it would seem. But I need to get centred again as I have a few more months of this to endure as we go through the adoption process and I need to be as strong as possible to get through it.
Later that day...
I spoke with my husband and we are sticking to next week's appointment. Phew! What a relief.
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