The last week has been a busy one. With my Dad and my two half-siblings here (my half-sister who is eight and my half-brother who is five years old), I have been busy taking on the mothering role for them as well as my daughter. We all went away to Hanmer for three nights which was fun - to a little alpine-like village about four hours drive from Nelson. With the kids being between 5-8 years old we were able to do quite a bit: lots of outdoorsy stuff like going to the hot-pools/playing in the snow/hiring a bike for all of us to go on at once/mini-golf/ and to an animal park.
It is sometimes a challenge having two families under the same roof - two different parenting styles and routines. Our daughters routine was rocked a bit but since it was the school holidays; I wasn't so worried about it. I did my best to accomodate the three kids.
It was an interesting position for me to be in too - to almost be co-parenting my half-sibilings who are so much younger than me with my Dad. I fed and bathed all the kids every night. I did enjoy having a larger family to feed for a few nights. But it was certainly triple the work having so many kids under one roof!
I have had this sinking feeling over the last few days that adoption is probably not going to work out for us. It is not a negative feeling. It is simply a gut feeling - almost a knowingness - very similar to the feeling I had around TTC for our second child.
Of course I wish and hope that a birth family will pick us. But we've made a decision to be in the prospective adoptive parents pool for just two years and that isn't a long time in be in the pool. And I don't want to be in it much longer than that. I just have this feeling that our time to experience the baby years again is running out. I cannot completely explain it even. But I will be 42 next month and I really don't want to be 45 years old and caring for a newborn, despite my SIF wounds. So I will be 44 years old by the time our time is up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. It feels like the right time and age in so many ways to pull the plug on adoption if we don't get picked.
There was a time when I hoped our family would be complete by the time I was 40. While I am not completely hung up on age and adding to families; I just get a sense for us and how we are placed financially in life - two years time is the best time for us to stop with the adoption plans.
After caring for my half-siblings for a week I have suggested the idea of fostering to my husband. I think we would be good at it and could provide a safe and stable home environment. I said it him that if adoption doesn't work out for us, then perhaps we could look into it. It's a bit early for him to be thinking about it seriously I think. But I have planted the seed. At this point in time I would want to foster older children too - probably Kindy age or five year olds. Perhaps this is a Plan C emerging for us.
Anyway, we have our next appointment with our social worker on Thursday. We will be having a series of appointments in close succession I think over the next few weeks. Originally I thought we would be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October but it could be earlier at this rate.
I'm looking forward to getting back to normality after a week with extended family. I haven't been to the gym as much or had my early nights so know I need to get back into my self-care routine again. I feel okay at the moment. SIF is becoming part of my past. Going through the adoption process is helping let go of the dream I had for so long to have another biological child - even if we don't end up adopting.
I had to smile to myself when my half-sister was playing with my daughter and teaching her about adopting toys to the toys that didn't have mothers. It feels as though change is in the air in some form but it could be quite different to what we might have hoped for and planned. I cannot see a baby in our lives. As much as I wanted that; it really feels as though we missed the boat there. So perhaps adoption might lead us down the fostering path. Originally I didn't want to foster because having another child with us in the short-term might have been hard for all of us. But perhaps we are more adaptable than we think. After having my half-siblings with us for a week I think it could perhaps work. Sometimes long-term fostering can lead to adoption so who knows. For some reason I just see it been more likely that an older child will come into our family than a newborn.
I just have to trust God and His plan - whatever it is. In the meantime we have extended family to visit - there are lots of cousins and my half-siblings in New Zealand and Australia. I really don't know how this is all going to turn out. All I know is I cannot afford to expect adoption to work out for us - not the way it is done in this country. There aren't many kids to even adopt - that is the reality. It really is like playing the lottery - we may or may not have the lucky ticket - or lucky profile. Or we can do is put ourselves out there and give it a try.
No comments:
Post a Comment