Sometimes I think too much. I over-analyse things and get myself so wound up and confused that I don't know what is what. I feel as I move from SIF waters into the (serious) adoption process waters that I am in a mind-f**k all over again. It is so hard to just let it all go - to trust the universe - to go with the flow - and to let what will be, be.
I find myself feeling a mix of feelings all over again. Angry and resentful for one that I should even have to be in this position of going through the adoption process. Angry and resentful that we are putting ourselves through this process which might not actually work out for us. We are taking a risk while letting go of a big dream - to have another biological child - and the risk may just end up being that - a risk.
I am afraid to dream, to hope or to pray for another child to come into our lives anymore. I did all that for three plus long years and all it resulted in was heartbreak and pain. If I allow myself to dream, hope and pray again for another little person; I feel as though I will be or am fooling myself. Because yes, there is a part of me that feels foolish for even venturing down the Plan B route for us when there is no guarantee it will happen.
What are the lessons I am meant to be getting here? I've no idea. I know life comes with some hard bits but I feel as though I have been through one very hard bit - trying for another child and it didn't/couldn't happen. The adoption process feels hard in a different way. Hard because of the way in which we are being scrutinised as we go through this process. For would-be parents it must be hard. For actual parents it almost feels ludicrous, even though I completely understand why all the questions and appointments need to happen.
What a bittersweet week it was in many ways caring for my two half-siblings, alongside my daughter. I got a real taste of what it feels like to have several children under my wing. I loved it. I was challenged and I had less time to myself and so much more work to do - more food to cook/more mess to clean up/more children to manage. But when the three of them were buzzing around in their little threesome; our house came alive. Perhaps because I had a sister myself growing up, it feels eerily quiet at times with just one child living here (though trust me our daughter is pretty noisy at times!).
I'm sick of trying to make sense of this journey I have been on for too long. I so desperately want life to be about something else. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives soon. I really do. If I am not meant to parent another child, then I want to get on to the next thing - whatever that is. But I cannot move on to the next thing until the door is closed on adding to our family. I might have to wait another two years to get our answer. That will be six years all up of hoping and praying for another shot at motherhood and it may all be for nothing.
I looked online last night into fostering. It appeals. Sounds as though we meet all the criteria and the process is only two months. But I know we cannot look into that until we've finished the adoption process. It would be too confusing and perhaps not doable anyway, going down both the fostering and adoption roads at once. I need to be clear too. I am well aware that the fostering option could be a knee-jerk reaction to adoption being our only option to add to our family. The threat of it not working out hangs over me like one very dark cloud.
If it wasn't enough to endure the self-esteem-bashing of SIF; the adoption process only adds fuel to the fire. Obviously all those who make it into the prospective adoptive parents pool are reliable, stable types. So we are up against other would-be parents with similar solid characteristics. We aren't/won't be anything special. The bottom-line is whether or not a birth family likes what they see when they see our profile. We can only be ourselves and there is no guarantee that in the two years that we are choosing to be in the pool that we will match the needs/likes of a birth family.
It seems some struggle with SIF for however long and get their happy ending. But I fear that I will be left behind - not only did I not be one of the blessed who conquered SIF in the end - I may not even be rewarded with Plan B working out for adding to our family. I know this may sound like one big pity-party but I just feel so let-down by God/the universe.
It upset me at dinner tonight when my husband said to my daughter that she could boss her children around when she was an adult and she replied that not all women have children - "I might not have any children." Oh my God. Should a five year old even know that?! I have tried so hard to not dump my feelings or to burden my daughter about all this SIF crap but she was asking so much about siblings at one point that the conversation about not all women being able to have children - or another child came up. She gets it. I just hope that however this turns out she will learn and see that her Mum did her best and somehow turned things around. I want her to learn at least that life isn't perfect - since she has been unfortunately exposed to this lesson - but that it is possible to move on from disappointing life-events. (even though I still have some work to do there!)
Anyway, it's back to the grindstone as of tomorrow - my holidays are over. Back into my routine and early nights and self-care. Back to living one day at a time and not worrying about the future. I can't afford to look too far ahead as it only does my head-in if I think about how things may pan out too much. It is hard to stay in the present when the adoption process stirs up thoughts about an imagery child that may never come. I'm looking forward to our next appointment on Thursday simply so I can tick it off and to continue to move through the rest of the adoption process as fast as we can. It means we're one step closer to finishing this chapter of our lives - however it all ends.
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