Let Go and Let God

I've had a good week. I made a decision to let go of the whole SIF deal recently - to start moving on from it and that decision has paid off. I have changed a few things in my week such as only turning on my computer twice a week and therefore only logging into Dailystrength once or twice a week. I've had two whole weekends without turning the computer on and although it was a challenge initially (as it has been a habit for so long; particularly logging into Dailystrength); I pushed through and got past it. I even enjoyed myself these last two weekends - more than I have for a long time without feeling the burden of SIF.

There have been painful moments over the last few weeks. The grief of not being able to have another biological child comes up frequently - and the uncertainty as to whether we will become adoptive parents can linger. But whenever my pain or fears come up, I pray to God - I hand it back to him and even visualise myself kissing my newborn swathed in a white blanket before handing my baby back to God. Sometimes I do this several times a day.

We got a letter last week saying that we have officially been accepted as prospective adoptive parents! Finally! It good news but I am totally handing the outcome over to God. All we can do is complete our profile, submit it and then the rest is up to God. And I feel okay with that. For four long years I prayed and prayed that a baby would come our way. I just can't live like that anymore. Life has to carry on as it exists today - and if an adopted baby comes our way - it will be amazing. But in the meantime I no longer want to live a life that feels incomplete. I want me and I want my family to heal from this horrendous SIF chapter we've been through.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and some healing has been going on. For so long I was disappointed that those close to me never got SIF. I tried so hard to get friends and family to understand. But they didn't. They couldn't. Today I accept that. The healing I continue to need to do to keep moving on from SIF is between myself and God and nobody else. The pain is actually subsiding. I believe I held on tightly to the pain and grief of SIF for so long because I thought if I didn't no one would get just how much I wanted another biological child - and how hurt I was that it didn't happen. But I don't need to live in my grief anymore. I can be happy in spite of living with a lost dream.

There have been some moments over the last week or so when I could have piped up about SIF but didn't. My daughter likes playing in the playground after school and often it is the same Mums in the playground each day. So there is the usual chit-chat. I've listened to Mums of Three (MOTH) exchanging sibling stories. One MOTH told me the honeymoon was over with her third child who is now three months old. If only she knew, I thought to myself. But I didn't bring up SIF. I know she and probably all the school Mums assume I only ever wanted one child. In some ways I wish I could wear a badge that said "I wanted more children but can't have them". In other ways, I know I have to stop painting myself as a victim of secondary infertility if I want to keep moving forward. So I listen to these Mums and remain silent, while handing my baby wrapped in a white cloth back to God. If ever it seemed appropriate and relevant I would bring up SIF. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand, even though I feel triggered.

As a result of me turning on my computer less I have been much more present as a Mum - and as a wife. We had some great family moments this weekend - swimming at the pool together, scrabble, bingo and riding our bikes up and down the driveway. My daughter had a ball having so much fun with her parents. I never want her to feel like she wasn't enough for me - like the child who is left behind when a sibling dies. I think there is some very important family healing going on right now.

We are going on holiday for a week this Thursday - to Wellington, my hometown. So I will leave starting our profile for the prospective adoptive parents pool until we get back. I have to say I have been saddened by some of the reactions from family around our latest adoption news - it all becoming official. My Mum isn't excited at all and said she wondered how our daughter would cope with that (if we got an adopted child). In the next breath she talked about two of her friends whose daughters had their second children last week. Their news is exciting but mine isn't. That hurts. I have a sinking feeling that if we get picked as adoptive parents, it might take a while for some of my family to warm to the idea. I am realistic. I know that if it happens, some SIF grief will undoubedtly resurface. I can only but imagine that being picked as adoptive parents would be a bittersweet moment - mainly joyous, I'm sure - but family reactions for example will no doubt dampen things. I guess I can mentally prepare myself somewhat for the kind of reaction I expect we'll get.

For now I will keep focusing on me and my family as it stands today. I am starting to trust God again, even if He doesn't deliver every dream that I want. Life can be good again. I will recover from this disappointment. I know three women who have become widows this year - one is in her late 40s and one in her early 50s. All three women nursed their sick husbands for months. How devastating. If they can survive a loss like that then can I not only survive - I can recover from SIF. I do feel blessed in many areas of my life. I think of all the women in my IF support group who have no children. I've had five and a half years of motherhood. I'm very lucky. I heard these lyrics to a song recently: Today the sky is blue. Today no-one is crying. Seems very apt for where I'm at. I'm seeing the cup as half-full again.