Wow, it's been an interesting time of late. A busy kind of interesting. And then interesting in regards to my head-space around SIF. I am absolutely amazed at how far I've come. I really feel as though SIF is close to becoming history. The door isn't quite shut - but it is close to it. Incredible!! After three long and painful years of feeling like I was never going to get over the devastation of not being able to conceive again; I now feel like I am getting over it!
SIF is not forgotten, however. The truth is; it comes up for me most days in some form. Today for example at the swimming pool before my daughter had her swimming lesson we watched a group of babies having a lesson. I have such fond memories of swimming lessons with my daughter when she was very young. I always knew those days were so, so precious. I never took them for granted. I knew I'd never get them back - and that I'd possibly never get another chance with another child going through the stages all over again.
I feel like I am in a different category to the "fertiles" out there. I feel like I ought to have "incomplete family" stamped across my chest. At the pool today there was a Mum I know with three kids. I met her when my daughter was six months old at a local playgroup. In the four years I've known her my family has remained the same size and hers has tripled! Yet I don't feel such strong resentment to the MOTs and MOTHs out there as I once did. I guess I am starting to accept my infertility and the journey I have been through.
There are still a few relationships around me that remain fractured because of SIF. But with a new job (and that is going very well!) and other commitments in my life right now; I am in no rush to build bridges with some of the people I feel I need to/want to. In the meantime I have simply let go of some friends. I am in touch - but not like I used to be. I don't play chase anymore. I just let things be.
A big change for me that has happened as a consequence of SIF (and there have of course been many changes!), is I no longer seem to have a best-friend! It's really bizarre; the three women I used to define as "close" were all unable to relate to/meet me halfway around SIF. Some big unspoken rifts have occured. For a while I felt a bit lonely losing these friendships or at least accepting the changing dynamics but now I just feel closer to God - He is my new best friend! He's the only one who was with me through-out SIF. Perhaps one of my lessons is I don't need a best-friend who I can confide everything to. Maybe those friends don't exist in the long-term. Instead I have lots of friends I share bits and pieces with.
I have had a couple of conversations lately with some women from the local IF support group I started up. So it's good to be able to talk IF stuff with women in the same town! The next meeting is Wednesday next week and there may be another new member coming along though I think the numbers will be about the same (there were six last time).
I tried to phone our social worker before around the adoption process. I'd like to have a wee chat with her just to update her on where we are at. I have been sitting on the next lot of paperwork since Oct 1 - almost a month! But since getting my new job, my husband and I have agreed we are in no big rush for the last quarter or so of the adoption process to take place.
I have been thinking a lot about adoption and what a big upheaval it will mean to our lives. I guess for so long I was quite selfish around SIF - so desperate for a baby that I had to have it now!! But now I think, and believe, that God is indicating quite clearly; that it's time to focus on some other things. Basically adoption needs to go on the back-burner/be lower on our list of priorities as we sort out some other stuff.
By other stuff I feel God is paving the way for adoption to hopefully happen - but we need to sort our finances and achieve our dream of house ownership before considering ourselves seriously as prospective adoptive parents.
I have also been thinking how next March will be a big time of change for our daughter as she turns five and starts school. I'm hoping around that time or shortly afterwards we might be able to buy our first home. These are going to be two big life-changes for our ASD daughter - and us (!) Not perhaps the best time for adding a baby to the mix. With that I have also thought how I'd like to have a good working record in both my current jobs since I live in a small town where reputation is very important. It will be two years in March that I would have worked in my job at the gallery. And next October will be a year in my new job.
I'm thinking (very much so out loud at this point!) that we might want to put our profile into the prospective adoptive pool around October next year. Our daughter will be five and a half by then. We should be settled into a new home. And I would have worked a year in my new job. Essentially it will mean we'll be delaying the adoption process by six months as originally I was aiming to be finished by March 2010 but what's six months when we've been waiting three plus years for another baby?
These plans all make perfect sense to me and are all driven by God. The thing is, once we've handed in our profile and it starts circulating with birth families, I just really want us to be ready - not to be scrambling money together and trying to work out how things will - well, work out. By delaying things by a few months, we have time to buy our first home and will have nothing to lose really except for a bit of time/ a larger age gap between our children (if we get picked!)
If we put our profiles into the pool any earlier, I would be worried that I would get "the call" that would (let's face it) temporarily disrupt our lives. What I'm trying to get at is we have this window of time to basically be in a better financial position, including probably home ownership before opening our hearts to another child. I just feel like I am meant to be working right now - it is definitely God's Will. My heart still sinks when I see babies yet at the same time - that path at this point in time just doesn't feel like mine anymore.
I think it is quite exciting watching God orchestrate things.
I'm looking forward to flying to Wellington tomorrow night for the weekend to have some girl-time with my Mum. It will be great. The best thing I've been able to do for myself on this journey is to plan some fun weekends away - so very, very important.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Letting God pave the way
Wow, life is well and truly pretty busy for me right now. Never too busy for a blog update though! ;) It's still a very important part of my SIF healing to update my blog regularly. With every post I write, I feel one step further away from the pain of SIF and one step closer to calling our little family complete, regardless of what happens on the adoption side of things.
Our little family has just been away for three nights - just twenty minutes away at my Mum's holiday home. I still worked Sunday but there was a bit of time for some r & r. Admittedly I have been a bundle of nerves since I accepted my new job that starts tomorrow morning. It's not so much the job I am nervous about - more the juggling act that will come about (and that has already come about) as a consequence of taking on some more working hours.
I'm not sure sure how I will fit it all in - dates with my husband, gym time, housework, two part-time jobs, ferrying my daughter to Kindy and to her other activities, family time, downtime, ASD-related meetings and voluntary community stuff. It will be a stretch but it is doable - just!
I do believe in the saying: God never gives us more than we can handle. And I can handle my new change in routine. It will be hectic but I will make sure I keep things balanced as much as possible.
This afternoon my husband and I had one of our dates while our daughter was looked after by her respite carer. We went for a walk on the beach and then for coffee at a local cafe. We talked about the adoption process and how at this stage it's up to us how fast or slow the rest of the process goes. Ironically after three plus years of hoping for another shot at motherhood - we are leaning on the latter speed for the adoption process for us - we are taking our time with it. It's a timing thing. I'm starting a new job tomorrow that will eventually lead us to owning our own home. We have been waiting for a very long time for things to improve financially for us - now they have we'd like to be in the money as such for a little while to get us back on our feet.
I'd like to be reasonably settled in my new job too before approaching our bank for a home loan - which is part of the criteria anyway for getting a home loan (actually been in a job for a decent amount of time). A (the job) leads to B (the house) in our situation (and in many people's, of course). After B for us comes C - maybe - an adoptive child.
There is no doubt about it - we needed to be more financially secure before we could be prospective adoptive parents. It seems there is no time like the present to start preparing for a possible future with an adoptive child than now.
The only thing is if we get chosen by a birth family and I then have to give up my job - which I would - then we would obviously have to be careful how big of a mortgage we take on. We would be first-home owners anyway and my husband and I have agreed that we will have to have as low a mortgage as possible so that it could be covered by one income.
Ideally/originally I would have liked to have had two children close in age like the majority of families out there so I could have being an at-home Mum for x amount of years and then gradually returned to the work-force as the kids got older.
The way things have worked out have meant things have been a bit messy financially. But I do trust that God is paving the way for us - that I am meant to have this job which could lead to a house and which could lead to a baby. We will soon see!
I feel like I/we are on the brink of a new chapter. SIF is part of who I was for so long. But I have turned that around. I really do believe and feel that. A few months back I gave away my maternity gear to a second-hand store. It was a big step in my acceptance that I wouldn't have a bump again. Taking on this second job feels like another step in accepting that the whole two (biological) kids deal wasn't on the agenda for us. It's about me walking away from a dream and being ok with it. I am quite amazed that I feel quite settled within the aftermath of SIF.
It's going to be a busy week - I of course start my new job, have a meeting to go to tonight, have my book-club on one evening, a Kindy committee meeting, physio appointments at the gym (plus gym work-outs to squeeze in) plus all the usual Mum-stuff. I know once I've crossed off my first day and then first week in my new job I will start to adjust to my new routine.
Next weekend I'm away again - off to see Mamma Mia! the stage show with my Mum in Wellington! (yep - just me! - am leaving hubby and daughter behind!) I'm sure I'll slip in at least one more post before then. But I do plan to be extra-kind to myself and to have as many early nights as possible this week with all that is going on.
Our little family has just been away for three nights - just twenty minutes away at my Mum's holiday home. I still worked Sunday but there was a bit of time for some r & r. Admittedly I have been a bundle of nerves since I accepted my new job that starts tomorrow morning. It's not so much the job I am nervous about - more the juggling act that will come about (and that has already come about) as a consequence of taking on some more working hours.
I'm not sure sure how I will fit it all in - dates with my husband, gym time, housework, two part-time jobs, ferrying my daughter to Kindy and to her other activities, family time, downtime, ASD-related meetings and voluntary community stuff. It will be a stretch but it is doable - just!
I do believe in the saying: God never gives us more than we can handle. And I can handle my new change in routine. It will be hectic but I will make sure I keep things balanced as much as possible.
This afternoon my husband and I had one of our dates while our daughter was looked after by her respite carer. We went for a walk on the beach and then for coffee at a local cafe. We talked about the adoption process and how at this stage it's up to us how fast or slow the rest of the process goes. Ironically after three plus years of hoping for another shot at motherhood - we are leaning on the latter speed for the adoption process for us - we are taking our time with it. It's a timing thing. I'm starting a new job tomorrow that will eventually lead us to owning our own home. We have been waiting for a very long time for things to improve financially for us - now they have we'd like to be in the money as such for a little while to get us back on our feet.
I'd like to be reasonably settled in my new job too before approaching our bank for a home loan - which is part of the criteria anyway for getting a home loan (actually been in a job for a decent amount of time). A (the job) leads to B (the house) in our situation (and in many people's, of course). After B for us comes C - maybe - an adoptive child.
There is no doubt about it - we needed to be more financially secure before we could be prospective adoptive parents. It seems there is no time like the present to start preparing for a possible future with an adoptive child than now.
The only thing is if we get chosen by a birth family and I then have to give up my job - which I would - then we would obviously have to be careful how big of a mortgage we take on. We would be first-home owners anyway and my husband and I have agreed that we will have to have as low a mortgage as possible so that it could be covered by one income.
Ideally/originally I would have liked to have had two children close in age like the majority of families out there so I could have being an at-home Mum for x amount of years and then gradually returned to the work-force as the kids got older.
The way things have worked out have meant things have been a bit messy financially. But I do trust that God is paving the way for us - that I am meant to have this job which could lead to a house and which could lead to a baby. We will soon see!
I feel like I/we are on the brink of a new chapter. SIF is part of who I was for so long. But I have turned that around. I really do believe and feel that. A few months back I gave away my maternity gear to a second-hand store. It was a big step in my acceptance that I wouldn't have a bump again. Taking on this second job feels like another step in accepting that the whole two (biological) kids deal wasn't on the agenda for us. It's about me walking away from a dream and being ok with it. I am quite amazed that I feel quite settled within the aftermath of SIF.
It's going to be a busy week - I of course start my new job, have a meeting to go to tonight, have my book-club on one evening, a Kindy committee meeting, physio appointments at the gym (plus gym work-outs to squeeze in) plus all the usual Mum-stuff. I know once I've crossed off my first day and then first week in my new job I will start to adjust to my new routine.
Next weekend I'm away again - off to see Mamma Mia! the stage show with my Mum in Wellington! (yep - just me! - am leaving hubby and daughter behind!) I'm sure I'll slip in at least one more post before then. But I do plan to be extra-kind to myself and to have as many early nights as possible this week with all that is going on.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Feeling overwhelmed - but not about SIF!
I am still rapt that I am starting my new job next week. But I do feel quite overwhelmed by it. Not the job so much although I know I will be challenged as it is a lot more corporate/office-based than what I have been doing the last few years. I feel more overwhelmed around how full my plate feels right now - it is basically overflowing!
I guess in time I will get used to my job and fitting it in my week. But at the moment I am quite anxious about having to get my daughter to Kindy by 8.30am three mornings a week so I can get to my job by 9am. I have mananged to avoid rushed mornings up to this point and have appreciated that there is no particular start-time with Kindy - it's just when you get there! I have normally aimed for 9am but sometimes we are later. With my daughter's ASD; we can have some rather slow starts to the day. I feel quite stressed and worried about that. But a friend up the road said I can drop her off at her place and she can take her to Kindy if I ever need to (her eldest daughter goes to the same Kindy.)
Financially our little family will be better off yet I know we will feel my extra working hours in the week. I am someone who needs her down time too and I will miss all the free time I have had in the mornings up until this point.
It sounds as if I am having a bit of a moan but really I do just feel quite stretched right now. I am involved in a few groups in the community and in true Lynda-style; am realising I may have bitten off more than I can chew! Yet at the same time I don't want to give anything up as they are all causes I want to support!
I'm trying to remind myself to take it all One Day At A Time. I've also given myself three months to settle into this new job.
I've also had some grief come up around letting go of being a full-time at-home Mum. I feel this is what God wants me to do - take on this other job - but I will miss being a full-time Mum. I've had a cry about that already! I have always cherished being an at-home Mummy as I have known since my daughter arrived that we might have issues having another child - which we did of course in the end. So I've been very careful about taking on employment as I didn't want to have any regrets. Up until now my husband has looked after our daughter while I've worked at nights or in the weekends. Although she'll be at Kindy during term-time; I'll have to look for a babysitter or work something out with friends in the school holidays.
As a good friend of mine always reminds me: God has the plan and the time-table. This job won't be forever. Perhaps it is just for a while to help us get our finances back on track, to get ourselves into our own home and (let's be honest) to look good on paper for the adoption process.
I cannot fathom how our adoption plans are going to tie in with me taking on more work - once again - God has the plan and the time-table! I worry about little things like say we do get picked by a birth family then I would have to leave my job and give very little notice - not good for my CV or future employment in this small town!! I just have to really trust God with the details because I know He is sorting it all out for us - it's just a very different plan to the one I had!
I guess I had hoped to still be an at-home Mum when our second child came to us - not to be out in the work-force again for a while - and then to come back into the home again full-time when the baby arrived.
Although it still saddens me and hurts a wee bit when I see the MOTs at Kindy wheeling off their babies and toddlers down the road after I've dropped my daughter off; I do have this new acceptance that that wasn't my path. I guess God wants me to go out there and do some other things with my life - aside from motherhood - before another baby may or may not enter our lives.
I have finally started tackling the adoption assessment form I've been sitting on for over three weeks! It's the last big form we will have to do before a series of interviews with our social worker. It's like taking a big inventory of our lives - telling our story - warts and all. It's not easy yet at the same time - I'm glad I've made a start on it as it isn't as bad as I thought it might be.
I feel as though God has filled my head and my week with a ton of stuff outside of SIF/adoption. As of next week I will lose my morning routine of checking into Dailystrength, for example. Often I check in at night as well so it will become a once-a-day thing (or less). Which is probably not a bad thing. It's all part of my SIF healing, I suppose.
I guess in time I will get used to my job and fitting it in my week. But at the moment I am quite anxious about having to get my daughter to Kindy by 8.30am three mornings a week so I can get to my job by 9am. I have mananged to avoid rushed mornings up to this point and have appreciated that there is no particular start-time with Kindy - it's just when you get there! I have normally aimed for 9am but sometimes we are later. With my daughter's ASD; we can have some rather slow starts to the day. I feel quite stressed and worried about that. But a friend up the road said I can drop her off at her place and she can take her to Kindy if I ever need to (her eldest daughter goes to the same Kindy.)
Financially our little family will be better off yet I know we will feel my extra working hours in the week. I am someone who needs her down time too and I will miss all the free time I have had in the mornings up until this point.
It sounds as if I am having a bit of a moan but really I do just feel quite stretched right now. I am involved in a few groups in the community and in true Lynda-style; am realising I may have bitten off more than I can chew! Yet at the same time I don't want to give anything up as they are all causes I want to support!
I'm trying to remind myself to take it all One Day At A Time. I've also given myself three months to settle into this new job.
I've also had some grief come up around letting go of being a full-time at-home Mum. I feel this is what God wants me to do - take on this other job - but I will miss being a full-time Mum. I've had a cry about that already! I have always cherished being an at-home Mummy as I have known since my daughter arrived that we might have issues having another child - which we did of course in the end. So I've been very careful about taking on employment as I didn't want to have any regrets. Up until now my husband has looked after our daughter while I've worked at nights or in the weekends. Although she'll be at Kindy during term-time; I'll have to look for a babysitter or work something out with friends in the school holidays.
As a good friend of mine always reminds me: God has the plan and the time-table. This job won't be forever. Perhaps it is just for a while to help us get our finances back on track, to get ourselves into our own home and (let's be honest) to look good on paper for the adoption process.
I cannot fathom how our adoption plans are going to tie in with me taking on more work - once again - God has the plan and the time-table! I worry about little things like say we do get picked by a birth family then I would have to leave my job and give very little notice - not good for my CV or future employment in this small town!! I just have to really trust God with the details because I know He is sorting it all out for us - it's just a very different plan to the one I had!
I guess I had hoped to still be an at-home Mum when our second child came to us - not to be out in the work-force again for a while - and then to come back into the home again full-time when the baby arrived.
Although it still saddens me and hurts a wee bit when I see the MOTs at Kindy wheeling off their babies and toddlers down the road after I've dropped my daughter off; I do have this new acceptance that that wasn't my path. I guess God wants me to go out there and do some other things with my life - aside from motherhood - before another baby may or may not enter our lives.
I have finally started tackling the adoption assessment form I've been sitting on for over three weeks! It's the last big form we will have to do before a series of interviews with our social worker. It's like taking a big inventory of our lives - telling our story - warts and all. It's not easy yet at the same time - I'm glad I've made a start on it as it isn't as bad as I thought it might be.
I feel as though God has filled my head and my week with a ton of stuff outside of SIF/adoption. As of next week I will lose my morning routine of checking into Dailystrength, for example. Often I check in at night as well so it will become a once-a-day thing (or less). Which is probably not a bad thing. It's all part of my SIF healing, I suppose.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Embracing my new path
For so long - it seems like forever - my quest has been to have another child. This desire has defined my life. I lived what has felt like a very small life for so very long. Small in the sense that SIF was my world. I lived it, dreamed it and didn't know any other way to be.
Somewhere along the way in recent times I let go of that dream to have another child - in particular, another biological child. The letting go was incredibly painful. It didn't happen overnight - it was a very gradual and not entirely gentle (!) process.
I'm on the other side of SIF and as a consequence I feel closer to God and my faith in Him has grown. The other night, the eve before a very important job interview (to me) I decided to go into a local chain-store and buy some brand new interview clothes. I did this as I realised my whole wardrobe was pretty much about casual, Mummy clothes. And I hadn't had an upgrade for quite some time. Even at my Sunday job at a gallery I wear casual clothes as I get covered in dust and all sorts so it's a natural dress code.
As I walked around the woman's section the Mums-to-be clothing range was staring proudly in front of me. I sighed inwardly because for so long I had dreamt of coming into a store and buying some new maternity gear. But, God was directing me on this particular evening to the corporate women's clothing - black tailored pants and a crisp white shirt worlds away from the maternity gear.
I felt so strongly that God wanted me to go for this job. To really put my best foot forward. So I did. I got my hair-cut, bought the corporate clothes and turned up for my interview yesterday afternoon as if I wanted this job more than anything in the world. An hour after I left the interview I was phoned up and offered the position - and I accepted!
It is only ten hours a week. Yet it is a big thing for me to take on a job working during the week. My Sunday job has been a bit of a no-brainer - and I love it (and will keep doing it for now). But this job will challenge me - as a community educator coordinator at a local college (highschool). I have negotatied three mornings a week. It's a big thing because I had dreamt of coming home to my other child for so long after dropping off my daughter at Kindy. Now I will be a part-time working-Mum - a Mum who drops off her preschooler early in the morning a few times a week so she can race off to work. I am excited, scared and relieved all at once. I will lose some gym-time and me-time but I'm ready to do something else with my time.
The job is pretty well paid for a part-time position and will relieve our family of the financial strain we have been feeling for many months. After I was offered the job, it was as though I could physically feel a huge burden being taken off both my husband and I's shoulders. We have been living off so little for so long - now we will be able to get back on top of things financially.
We both feel a lot more hope around buying a home and even adoption with this new job of mine. To be honest, one of the reasons I've been sitting on the assessment forms we have to fill out for the adoption process for the last two or three weeks is because financially I knew things were going to look pretty bleak on paper. Now I feel inspired to get those forms under way.
Ideally, we'd like to be in our own home if and when we get chosen by a birth family.
I have to trust God in His timing with things - and I do trust him. I do. I have been looking for over six months for a part-time position that would fit in with family life. I've had two interviews and several rejection letters so I'm pretty rapt to finally get a job. Ironically I have another interview on Tuesday which I will go to out of curiosity. The pay is less but I'm still interested in hearing about that position.
I guess for so long I have felt stuck between the fertile and infertile worlds as a secondary infertile. Now I feel almost as though I no longer need to be defined by SIF. God is pushing me into greener pastures. They aren't the pastures I had originally hoped for but they will be great. I know they will. It's all part of God's plan. The beginning of a very positive chapter, I believe.
Somewhere along the way in recent times I let go of that dream to have another child - in particular, another biological child. The letting go was incredibly painful. It didn't happen overnight - it was a very gradual and not entirely gentle (!) process.
I'm on the other side of SIF and as a consequence I feel closer to God and my faith in Him has grown. The other night, the eve before a very important job interview (to me) I decided to go into a local chain-store and buy some brand new interview clothes. I did this as I realised my whole wardrobe was pretty much about casual, Mummy clothes. And I hadn't had an upgrade for quite some time. Even at my Sunday job at a gallery I wear casual clothes as I get covered in dust and all sorts so it's a natural dress code.
As I walked around the woman's section the Mums-to-be clothing range was staring proudly in front of me. I sighed inwardly because for so long I had dreamt of coming into a store and buying some new maternity gear. But, God was directing me on this particular evening to the corporate women's clothing - black tailored pants and a crisp white shirt worlds away from the maternity gear.
I felt so strongly that God wanted me to go for this job. To really put my best foot forward. So I did. I got my hair-cut, bought the corporate clothes and turned up for my interview yesterday afternoon as if I wanted this job more than anything in the world. An hour after I left the interview I was phoned up and offered the position - and I accepted!
It is only ten hours a week. Yet it is a big thing for me to take on a job working during the week. My Sunday job has been a bit of a no-brainer - and I love it (and will keep doing it for now). But this job will challenge me - as a community educator coordinator at a local college (highschool). I have negotatied three mornings a week. It's a big thing because I had dreamt of coming home to my other child for so long after dropping off my daughter at Kindy. Now I will be a part-time working-Mum - a Mum who drops off her preschooler early in the morning a few times a week so she can race off to work. I am excited, scared and relieved all at once. I will lose some gym-time and me-time but I'm ready to do something else with my time.
The job is pretty well paid for a part-time position and will relieve our family of the financial strain we have been feeling for many months. After I was offered the job, it was as though I could physically feel a huge burden being taken off both my husband and I's shoulders. We have been living off so little for so long - now we will be able to get back on top of things financially.
We both feel a lot more hope around buying a home and even adoption with this new job of mine. To be honest, one of the reasons I've been sitting on the assessment forms we have to fill out for the adoption process for the last two or three weeks is because financially I knew things were going to look pretty bleak on paper. Now I feel inspired to get those forms under way.
Ideally, we'd like to be in our own home if and when we get chosen by a birth family.
I have to trust God in His timing with things - and I do trust him. I do. I have been looking for over six months for a part-time position that would fit in with family life. I've had two interviews and several rejection letters so I'm pretty rapt to finally get a job. Ironically I have another interview on Tuesday which I will go to out of curiosity. The pay is less but I'm still interested in hearing about that position.
I guess for so long I have felt stuck between the fertile and infertile worlds as a secondary infertile. Now I feel almost as though I no longer need to be defined by SIF. God is pushing me into greener pastures. They aren't the pastures I had originally hoped for but they will be great. I know they will. It's all part of God's plan. The beginning of a very positive chapter, I believe.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
An emotional backlash
I'm not surprised that I've had a bit of an emotional backlash around starting an infertility support group. When I first had the idea to start the group, around two years ago when I was in the midst of the dark part of my SIF journey; I was quite apprehensive about actually starting a group for fear that I would end up being the only SI. Back then it would have been too much - having the SIs guilts in a room full of women going through PI.
Two years on, which brings us to the here and now, I still anticipated I could be the only SI or at least - one of just a few SIs yet was prepared to feel a bit like the odd one out. I formed the group primarily for women going through IF because I felt there was a very strong need for one in this community. I am absolutely rapt that the ball has started rolling and that the group has been officially launched. It has certainly helped me in my SIF healing starting this group.
But I have felt post-meeting somewhat guilty for sitting in a room with a handful of childless women who would give anything to be in my shoes. Don't get me wrong; nobody has indicated they feel any kind of resentment towards me - not at all. But in the past week since the meeting; I have noted all the wonderful Mummy moments I've had - which have been many. How I get to go on outings into town on the bus with my preschooler, how I get to tuck a child into bed at the end of the day and have precious cuddles and kisses, and how I get to watch my daughter grow and blossom as a very lucky at-home Mum.
At the same time, as I have been experiencing some SI guilt - my SIF grief has flared up ever-so-slightly as I've spied more bumps and babies in my Mum circles, as my neighbours second child grows up so fast before my eyes and as I watch other Kindy Mums heading off down the road with their toddlers and babies after dropping off their Kindy children. I feel, once again, in the middle of the road somewhere - somewhere between the fertile world and the infertile world.
I am in a good place with it all, however. I have been feeling very close to the God of my understanding over the last few weeks. I get and accept that I am on a different path - to the women who went/are going through primary infertility - and to the women who go on to produce an army of kids. I am simply on my own journey. It's a spiritual journey, as it turns out. In many ways it isn't even about SIF. It's about God getting me where it hurts in order to teach me a thing or two!
Yep, SIF has been a big wake-up call in my life. It's only the beginning of the aftermath of my SIF; but already I am feeling a lot stronger, more clear about what I want out of life (in every area) and am feeling a new level of peace and serenity. Of course SIF was not a fun ride. And obviously I am still affected by it. But I wouldn't and can't turn back the clock. I am simply just where I am meant to be in my life.
I certainly have a new compassion or at least a means of expressing that compassion to others. When a woman I don't know so well recenty shared her sad cancer news with me I wondered how I might handle her disclosure so she knew I cared without being too invasive. I ended up sending her a card in the post which she will get after her surgery.
I think at the end of the day all of us just want to be acknowledged in our pain - when we go through big stuff in life. I do have some work to do around many of the relationships around me and how in my eyes they failed to support me in my SIF. I understand that people just do the best with what they know. But still; I wasn't supported in the way I needed or wanted to be. Ironically, I believe I was meant to go through SIF mainly on my own as an exercise in strength, faith, and hope. I feel I could survive anything after SIF. It was (notice the past tense!) quite simply the worst personal crisis I've ever been through.
I am excited about life again! There is some great stuff coming up around the corner - I know it and feel it. I will sit down and start the next adoption assessment application this week. I've been sitting on it for a couple of weeks. I'm not rushing. This baby - if there is one - is coming in God's time. I can't force it to happen any faster so I may as well go with what feels right and natural as far as the adoption process goes.
I seem to be quite involved with several community organisations now - on the committe for our local autism group, the founder of our local infertility support group, on my daughter's Kindy committee, providing service for a 12 step programme and I have a job interview next week for yet another community organisation. It's almost as though I am moving into my calling - or moving into what I'm meant to be doing right now. It seems to be about giving.
I think it will be very interesting to see how things pan out over the next six or twelve months. At this point in time I am just so very, very glad to be out of the woods with SIF. I am very grateful for that!
Two years on, which brings us to the here and now, I still anticipated I could be the only SI or at least - one of just a few SIs yet was prepared to feel a bit like the odd one out. I formed the group primarily for women going through IF because I felt there was a very strong need for one in this community. I am absolutely rapt that the ball has started rolling and that the group has been officially launched. It has certainly helped me in my SIF healing starting this group.
But I have felt post-meeting somewhat guilty for sitting in a room with a handful of childless women who would give anything to be in my shoes. Don't get me wrong; nobody has indicated they feel any kind of resentment towards me - not at all. But in the past week since the meeting; I have noted all the wonderful Mummy moments I've had - which have been many. How I get to go on outings into town on the bus with my preschooler, how I get to tuck a child into bed at the end of the day and have precious cuddles and kisses, and how I get to watch my daughter grow and blossom as a very lucky at-home Mum.
At the same time, as I have been experiencing some SI guilt - my SIF grief has flared up ever-so-slightly as I've spied more bumps and babies in my Mum circles, as my neighbours second child grows up so fast before my eyes and as I watch other Kindy Mums heading off down the road with their toddlers and babies after dropping off their Kindy children. I feel, once again, in the middle of the road somewhere - somewhere between the fertile world and the infertile world.
I am in a good place with it all, however. I have been feeling very close to the God of my understanding over the last few weeks. I get and accept that I am on a different path - to the women who went/are going through primary infertility - and to the women who go on to produce an army of kids. I am simply on my own journey. It's a spiritual journey, as it turns out. In many ways it isn't even about SIF. It's about God getting me where it hurts in order to teach me a thing or two!
Yep, SIF has been a big wake-up call in my life. It's only the beginning of the aftermath of my SIF; but already I am feeling a lot stronger, more clear about what I want out of life (in every area) and am feeling a new level of peace and serenity. Of course SIF was not a fun ride. And obviously I am still affected by it. But I wouldn't and can't turn back the clock. I am simply just where I am meant to be in my life.
I certainly have a new compassion or at least a means of expressing that compassion to others. When a woman I don't know so well recenty shared her sad cancer news with me I wondered how I might handle her disclosure so she knew I cared without being too invasive. I ended up sending her a card in the post which she will get after her surgery.
I think at the end of the day all of us just want to be acknowledged in our pain - when we go through big stuff in life. I do have some work to do around many of the relationships around me and how in my eyes they failed to support me in my SIF. I understand that people just do the best with what they know. But still; I wasn't supported in the way I needed or wanted to be. Ironically, I believe I was meant to go through SIF mainly on my own as an exercise in strength, faith, and hope. I feel I could survive anything after SIF. It was (notice the past tense!) quite simply the worst personal crisis I've ever been through.
I am excited about life again! There is some great stuff coming up around the corner - I know it and feel it. I will sit down and start the next adoption assessment application this week. I've been sitting on it for a couple of weeks. I'm not rushing. This baby - if there is one - is coming in God's time. I can't force it to happen any faster so I may as well go with what feels right and natural as far as the adoption process goes.
I seem to be quite involved with several community organisations now - on the committe for our local autism group, the founder of our local infertility support group, on my daughter's Kindy committee, providing service for a 12 step programme and I have a job interview next week for yet another community organisation. It's almost as though I am moving into my calling - or moving into what I'm meant to be doing right now. It seems to be about giving.
I think it will be very interesting to see how things pan out over the next six or twelve months. At this point in time I am just so very, very glad to be out of the woods with SIF. I am very grateful for that!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
First IF support group
Last night I chaired the first IF support group in a meeting room in town. There were six of us present!! I was blown away that that many women came to the first meeting considering I only started advertising it just over three weeks ago.
I set up some very clear boundaries and obviously will remain respectful of those who attended the meeting by not revealing any personal sharings. We are all in very different stages of our journies but we could all relate to the 7 seven stages of grief that we talked about for a bit. I brought a box of tissues along and they were used!
I now feel as though I am part of something quite special in the town I live in! I cannot believe after three years of virtually going through SIF on my own; I can now talk face-to-face with women who have either been through similar or have come out on the other side of it all.
The meeting was just over an hour long and everyone who phoned turned up! After the meeting we had a cuppa. I baked some banana chocolate-chip muffins and there was nothing but warmth, understanding and compassion in the room. I'm looking forward to the next meeting on November 4th. (the meetings are monthly). I have emailed a contact list out to everyone who attended the meeting as some obvious connections were made even at the first meeting. How wonderful if friendships form because of this group. :)
Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of looking after my neighbour's newborn for about an hour as my neighbour wanted to mow her lawns and do some dishes - her baby likes to be held a lot even when sleeping. It was really nice actually to do a bit of my internet stuff while holding such a precious little package. It has been a loooooong time since I actually held a newborn for more than a couple of minutues. My daughter was quite intrigued by baby B and even requested a go at holding her. I managed to get some delightful photos of her and baby B!
I was in a good space when holding baby B and actually it just made me feel as though this could be a possibility for our little family one day - I could end up holding our baby one day and our daughter might one day have a photo taken of her and her actual sibling!
My husband and I were talking about how God works in mysterious ways. With our daughter's ASD she needs to be warmed up to change (if possible) over a longer period of time than "typical" kids. So God could be preparing her - possibly - for a sibling in the future by forming a bond with the neighbour's baby.
As far as the adoption side of things goes, I have given myself a wee break from it. We have some paperwork to fill out for the next step which will be followed up with some intensive sessions with our social worker. I'm not quite ready to delve into the nitty-gritty side of the application assessment form we need to fill in. I'll have a look at it next week. Besides, I've been very busy with the school holidays (which finish at the end of this week). I've had some great mother-daughter days as well as a few playdates these school holidays - and not too many playdates with the MOTs out there! My daughter is happy and has relaxed into the hols. I've truly felt grateful to have some extra time with my four and a half year old these school hols.
I set up some very clear boundaries and obviously will remain respectful of those who attended the meeting by not revealing any personal sharings. We are all in very different stages of our journies but we could all relate to the 7 seven stages of grief that we talked about for a bit. I brought a box of tissues along and they were used!
I now feel as though I am part of something quite special in the town I live in! I cannot believe after three years of virtually going through SIF on my own; I can now talk face-to-face with women who have either been through similar or have come out on the other side of it all.
The meeting was just over an hour long and everyone who phoned turned up! After the meeting we had a cuppa. I baked some banana chocolate-chip muffins and there was nothing but warmth, understanding and compassion in the room. I'm looking forward to the next meeting on November 4th. (the meetings are monthly). I have emailed a contact list out to everyone who attended the meeting as some obvious connections were made even at the first meeting. How wonderful if friendships form because of this group. :)
Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of looking after my neighbour's newborn for about an hour as my neighbour wanted to mow her lawns and do some dishes - her baby likes to be held a lot even when sleeping. It was really nice actually to do a bit of my internet stuff while holding such a precious little package. It has been a loooooong time since I actually held a newborn for more than a couple of minutues. My daughter was quite intrigued by baby B and even requested a go at holding her. I managed to get some delightful photos of her and baby B!
I was in a good space when holding baby B and actually it just made me feel as though this could be a possibility for our little family one day - I could end up holding our baby one day and our daughter might one day have a photo taken of her and her actual sibling!
My husband and I were talking about how God works in mysterious ways. With our daughter's ASD she needs to be warmed up to change (if possible) over a longer period of time than "typical" kids. So God could be preparing her - possibly - for a sibling in the future by forming a bond with the neighbour's baby.
As far as the adoption side of things goes, I have given myself a wee break from it. We have some paperwork to fill out for the next step which will be followed up with some intensive sessions with our social worker. I'm not quite ready to delve into the nitty-gritty side of the application assessment form we need to fill in. I'll have a look at it next week. Besides, I've been very busy with the school holidays (which finish at the end of this week). I've had some great mother-daughter days as well as a few playdates these school holidays - and not too many playdates with the MOTs out there! My daughter is happy and has relaxed into the hols. I've truly felt grateful to have some extra time with my four and a half year old these school hols.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Letter going out to health professionals
Hi,
This letter is an explanation as to why I have started an infertility support group here in Nelson.
After being blessed with a daughter who was conceived naturally and without any fertility issues; it has been a long three year journey in accepting that I cannot conceive any more children. I have been so desperate to conceive that I have sought help with my secondary infertility from my family Dr, a gynaecologist, a couple of herbalists, an acupuncturist, and even a vibrational healer! I have been to three counsellors – including one marriage counsellor.
In the last three years I have felt misunderstood, judged, isolated, less-than the fertile women out there, ashamed of my infertility, guilty of wanting another child, and very, very alone. Because there were no active infertility support groups in Nelson when I was in the throes of secondary infertility a couple of years ago; I joined an on-line group. It has been an incredible support.
Infertility is hard to understand unless you’ve been through it. Family and friends don’t tend to be able to grasp that infertility is a continual grief process. Those on the outside make silly comments that are hurtful to infertile women. Many women get pregnant at the drop of the hat and this can cause big rifts and sometimes be the end of relationships between infertile and fertile women.
Recently when attending a course to do with the adoption process; it was clear that infertility was the elephant in the room. Obviously all of the attendees of the course had had their own struggles with infertility but it wasn’t discussed. I thought it was sad that we’d all been through this on our own. Surely infertility doesn’t need to be as lonely as it often is.
I consider myself to be at the end of my secondary infertility journey. I don’t want other women in the same boat to feel as alone and isolated as I did so I’ve started up an infertility support group that is open to all women who are either currently struggling with or are dealing with the aftermath of primary or secondary infertility. It is a women’s-only group, as I believe women feel infertility on so many levels – in mind, body and soul. Losing ones fertility is devastating to a woman but it is only something that other women who have experienced the same loss can truly understand. A woman’s despair around her infertility can impact a partnership or a marriage. Women need somewhere to share their infertility angst in private. Often men don’t need to analyse things as much as the infertile woman does! She needs to make sense of this injustice that is happening to her – and most of all – she needs to vent, be heard, understood and accepted for where she is at within her infertility journey.
At the time of writing I have had four phone-calls. Three from women very keen to attend the first meeting – and one from a member of another support group congratulating me on starting such a group. I know Nelson needs this group and I know there are many other women out there who are eligible to attend. Meetings are held monthly in town. Those interested can contact me by phone for further information.
I thank you for taking the time to read this letter and hope you will be able to pass on this information when relevant. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about the group.
Regards,
Lynda
This letter is an explanation as to why I have started an infertility support group here in Nelson.
After being blessed with a daughter who was conceived naturally and without any fertility issues; it has been a long three year journey in accepting that I cannot conceive any more children. I have been so desperate to conceive that I have sought help with my secondary infertility from my family Dr, a gynaecologist, a couple of herbalists, an acupuncturist, and even a vibrational healer! I have been to three counsellors – including one marriage counsellor.
In the last three years I have felt misunderstood, judged, isolated, less-than the fertile women out there, ashamed of my infertility, guilty of wanting another child, and very, very alone. Because there were no active infertility support groups in Nelson when I was in the throes of secondary infertility a couple of years ago; I joined an on-line group. It has been an incredible support.
Infertility is hard to understand unless you’ve been through it. Family and friends don’t tend to be able to grasp that infertility is a continual grief process. Those on the outside make silly comments that are hurtful to infertile women. Many women get pregnant at the drop of the hat and this can cause big rifts and sometimes be the end of relationships between infertile and fertile women.
Recently when attending a course to do with the adoption process; it was clear that infertility was the elephant in the room. Obviously all of the attendees of the course had had their own struggles with infertility but it wasn’t discussed. I thought it was sad that we’d all been through this on our own. Surely infertility doesn’t need to be as lonely as it often is.
I consider myself to be at the end of my secondary infertility journey. I don’t want other women in the same boat to feel as alone and isolated as I did so I’ve started up an infertility support group that is open to all women who are either currently struggling with or are dealing with the aftermath of primary or secondary infertility. It is a women’s-only group, as I believe women feel infertility on so many levels – in mind, body and soul. Losing ones fertility is devastating to a woman but it is only something that other women who have experienced the same loss can truly understand. A woman’s despair around her infertility can impact a partnership or a marriage. Women need somewhere to share their infertility angst in private. Often men don’t need to analyse things as much as the infertile woman does! She needs to make sense of this injustice that is happening to her – and most of all – she needs to vent, be heard, understood and accepted for where she is at within her infertility journey.
At the time of writing I have had four phone-calls. Three from women very keen to attend the first meeting – and one from a member of another support group congratulating me on starting such a group. I know Nelson needs this group and I know there are many other women out there who are eligible to attend. Meetings are held monthly in town. Those interested can contact me by phone for further information.
I thank you for taking the time to read this letter and hope you will be able to pass on this information when relevant. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about the group.
Regards,
Lynda
Friday, October 2, 2009
Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) debrief
Yesterday morning my husband and I had a debrief with our social worker about the two day course we attended in September - the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption). The debrief was about forty-five minutes long and was good - gave us an opportunity to indicate where we are at with our own thinking around the adoption process.
One of the things I mentioned in the debrief was how going through the domestic adoption process here in New Zealand where the emphasis is on open adoption; my thinking had shifted around children belonging to us. Open adoption is all about the child - it isn't about fulfilling the parents needs or ownership. It isn't about replacing the biological child we couldn't have. It is very different. Really you are helping another family who isn't able to raise a child and therefore are helping a child.
We have been given an application assessment to fill out where we are to write in bullet-point form about the following topics: family history, extended family, education, health and wellbeing, family and household, home, current employment, adult work history, income and assets, safety, parenthood, adoption (type of) and an information update.
Once this is sent off to our social worker, we will have at least two sessions with her to talk about any issues that have come up along the way about our case as well as one home visit. The social worker asked yesterday if I was still on the antidepressants (I went on them for six months when in a very dark phase of SIF) and I said I wasn't. No doubt I will get a chance to explain how things have been since I came off them.
To be honest, after yesterday's appointment I wasn't left with a feeling of Yippee! This is us! It was more like Is this right for us? I suppose because it was the first time we sat down face to face with a social worker; things felt way more serious. And things came up. Like me previously being on anti-depressants. Our daughter's ASD. And our financial situation - it isn't the best. We've had a tough year financially and I fear that could go against us in the adoption process (even though we passed the financial overview in the first assessment). I am feeling quite scrutinised - which I know is part of the adoption process. But it seems so ridiculous in some ways when we are already parents and would have raised a second child if I had gotten pregnant, regardless of how things have been financially and all the other perceived "issues" in our lives.
The social worker brought up considering whether or not we'd be open to adopting a known special needs child. We have already decided no. We have one already - our daughter with our ASD. Of course autism is not something that is known in the prenatal stage or at birth. But some other special needs are - obviously physical ones. We haven't signed any papers yet to say that is what we don't want to do. Yet it stirs me up somewhat having to even think that.
Once again, if I'd gotten pregnant I would have accepted a child however it came to us. But it's about facing reality. We have been quite challenged in our ASD journey with our daugter. I/we don't think it would be fair to our daughter, to us or another child with (known) special needs to have two children with special needs in our family. I would never terminate a baby unless for some medical reason I was forced to. So it feels somewhat odd to almost be requesting a "perfect" baby from someone else. Boy does thinking about some of this stuff play with the heart-strings!!
I guess the adoption process right now is feeling a bit uncomfortable for me. No-one said it was going to be an easy ride. There are no guarantees it will happen for us and it is emotional at times. Still, we want to proceed with things so I will continue to try to take it all one day at a time.
My back is killing me, I have a wee cold and AF arrived yesterday so health-wise I'm all over the place - and I know my mind is the same. AF arriving is quite a big deal for me as I haven't had a period (apart from a light bleed last month) for six months. I really thought AF had gone forever! This morning I am going to try to get hold of my Dr as I'd like to do a day two FSH test and follow it up with an appointment with my Dr to talk about the letter I have from the gyno who delivered my daughter who wanted to be contacted should I have trouble conceiving (and she never was contacted). I just want to shut the door on SIF and to understand it the best I can from the medical perspective; even if it cannot be explained. It's worth a try.
Yesterday my husband said a friend had called him to tell him they were pregnant with their third child. This was on the day of our appointment with the social worker. It was like a punch to the stomach. I certainly don't feel like offering my congrats right away.
I guess within the adoption process I feel as though we are being judged - to see if we are good enough to make the mark as prospective adoptive parents. I understand and know this is necessary yet it plays on my inadequacies as a parent - my whole "stinking thinking" around why I couldn't have another biological child. Sigh.
Another woman phoned about the infertility support group so there will be four of us next Wednesday. They all sound lovely on the phone - intelligent, onto-it women. It feels like the beginning of something really great.
One of the things I mentioned in the debrief was how going through the domestic adoption process here in New Zealand where the emphasis is on open adoption; my thinking had shifted around children belonging to us. Open adoption is all about the child - it isn't about fulfilling the parents needs or ownership. It isn't about replacing the biological child we couldn't have. It is very different. Really you are helping another family who isn't able to raise a child and therefore are helping a child.
We have been given an application assessment to fill out where we are to write in bullet-point form about the following topics: family history, extended family, education, health and wellbeing, family and household, home, current employment, adult work history, income and assets, safety, parenthood, adoption (type of) and an information update.
Once this is sent off to our social worker, we will have at least two sessions with her to talk about any issues that have come up along the way about our case as well as one home visit. The social worker asked yesterday if I was still on the antidepressants (I went on them for six months when in a very dark phase of SIF) and I said I wasn't. No doubt I will get a chance to explain how things have been since I came off them.
To be honest, after yesterday's appointment I wasn't left with a feeling of Yippee! This is us! It was more like Is this right for us? I suppose because it was the first time we sat down face to face with a social worker; things felt way more serious. And things came up. Like me previously being on anti-depressants. Our daughter's ASD. And our financial situation - it isn't the best. We've had a tough year financially and I fear that could go against us in the adoption process (even though we passed the financial overview in the first assessment). I am feeling quite scrutinised - which I know is part of the adoption process. But it seems so ridiculous in some ways when we are already parents and would have raised a second child if I had gotten pregnant, regardless of how things have been financially and all the other perceived "issues" in our lives.
The social worker brought up considering whether or not we'd be open to adopting a known special needs child. We have already decided no. We have one already - our daughter with our ASD. Of course autism is not something that is known in the prenatal stage or at birth. But some other special needs are - obviously physical ones. We haven't signed any papers yet to say that is what we don't want to do. Yet it stirs me up somewhat having to even think that.
Once again, if I'd gotten pregnant I would have accepted a child however it came to us. But it's about facing reality. We have been quite challenged in our ASD journey with our daugter. I/we don't think it would be fair to our daughter, to us or another child with (known) special needs to have two children with special needs in our family. I would never terminate a baby unless for some medical reason I was forced to. So it feels somewhat odd to almost be requesting a "perfect" baby from someone else. Boy does thinking about some of this stuff play with the heart-strings!!
I guess the adoption process right now is feeling a bit uncomfortable for me. No-one said it was going to be an easy ride. There are no guarantees it will happen for us and it is emotional at times. Still, we want to proceed with things so I will continue to try to take it all one day at a time.
My back is killing me, I have a wee cold and AF arrived yesterday so health-wise I'm all over the place - and I know my mind is the same. AF arriving is quite a big deal for me as I haven't had a period (apart from a light bleed last month) for six months. I really thought AF had gone forever! This morning I am going to try to get hold of my Dr as I'd like to do a day two FSH test and follow it up with an appointment with my Dr to talk about the letter I have from the gyno who delivered my daughter who wanted to be contacted should I have trouble conceiving (and she never was contacted). I just want to shut the door on SIF and to understand it the best I can from the medical perspective; even if it cannot be explained. It's worth a try.
Yesterday my husband said a friend had called him to tell him they were pregnant with their third child. This was on the day of our appointment with the social worker. It was like a punch to the stomach. I certainly don't feel like offering my congrats right away.
I guess within the adoption process I feel as though we are being judged - to see if we are good enough to make the mark as prospective adoptive parents. I understand and know this is necessary yet it plays on my inadequacies as a parent - my whole "stinking thinking" around why I couldn't have another biological child. Sigh.
Another woman phoned about the infertility support group so there will be four of us next Wednesday. They all sound lovely on the phone - intelligent, onto-it women. It feels like the beginning of something really great.
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