I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to 2009. It has been a hard year - a year of swallowing the somewhat bitter pill that conception was very, very unlikely for me ever again.
My SIF journey started at the end of 2006. 2007 and 2008 were two complete years of devoting a lot of time and energy into SIF. There were blood tests and procedures as well as an operation. Although these were difficult years; I still held on to a small seed of hope that despite the evidence; perhaps my infertility wasn't as bad as it appeared to be.
In 2009 I've had to face the truth - that I am infertile. This year has been about sitting with what is - and attempting to let go of what isn't. I started 2009 on antidepressants. I was on them for six months all up during what can only be described as my darkest times of SIF. The devastation I went through when it became obvious (even without full medical evidence) that I could no longer conceive was the hardest thing I've been through in my life.
This year my husband and I attended the information meeting and education programme for adoption here in New Zealand. Although things were flowing pretty well adoption-wise; we made the decision to put our adoption plans on hold for around six months for various reasons. (We're resuming the process June 2010). In 2009 I started up an infertility support group for women here in Nelson. I wanted my years of SIF to account for something and figured by starting a group; women struggling with IF would benefit from exchanges with others in the same boat while hopefully feeling a little less lonely.
2010 will be the first year, after three years of SIF, that I will no longer be actively hoping for a small miracle - to fall pregnant. I hope and pray it will be the year that I will be released from the morbid grip of SIF. I feel it will be the year in which I will finally be able to face SIF with some perspective. I am already starting to see and feel how SIF has been an era in my life (albeit a tulmultuous one) - and one day it won't hold as much meaning as it does today. As a woman, I believe I will be affected for years to come. I have yet to work out how to reconcile a major loss of my womanhood that has polluted my sexuality, self-esteem, self-worth and connectedness with other women - particularly fertile ones - out there. I am grieving the woman I was - the fertile one - while trying to figure out who I have become.
As I try so hard to close the door on SIF; I am only too aware of how damaged some of my relationships around me have become because of my own personal tragedy. Until I embrace this dilemma that touched my life so very, very deeply - I believe many of these relationships will remain fractured. For so long I was looking for words of comfort from those close to me. But I now think and know that the understanding I sought was impossible from the uninitiated. It is truly only those who have been touched by SIF that get it. I am so grateful to have a blog to vent in - that has been going for over two years now plus Dailystrength - the place I go to to connect with other women with SIF. Where I would be without D/S or my blog - I don't know. I also joined RESOLVE this year but don't check in much. But it is still nice to know I have another online support group if I need it.
I hope in 2010 I will not feel so bitter and resentful towards The Fertiles out there. It is not their fault that they can reproduce and I cannot. I believe 2010 will be the year in which I'll gain some insight as to why the last three years of angst occurred. There is some huge emotional and spiritual growth going on for me right now as I allow the God of my understanding to reveal what was beneath SIF for me. It was much more than wanting another biological child. My complete despair at being rendered infertile has uprooted several "core issues" from my past. Once these have been addressed; I believe I will truly move forward again.
I'd like to say that 2010 comes with the promise of an adopted child for us. But I'm not sure it will. I have some big life decisions to make that could jeopadise adoption for us. For now I am just putting one foot in front of the other, and going where God seems to want me to go. I am on a very different path to the Mums out there that were lucky enough to conceive a second time round (or more). I know if another child had come - particularly easily - then I would not have had the opportunity to experience the immense personal spiritual and emotional growth that is going on right now for me. There is no going back - I understand at a very deep level that this is the path I am meant to be on.
I want to be free of SIF. And to be free I have to accept some of the ugly parts of myself that have been uprooted because of SIF. I will do this through counselling, the twelve steps and through the continued guidance of my Higher Power. Thank-you to those who read this. Your support - even if silent - means a lot to me. I hope 2010 brings many insights and miracles into your own lives.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Time to think
I've been on holiday over the past week so have been unwinding, relaxing and enjoying having some time and space to reflect about things. We're just at home so it has been quite nice just doing as we please and not having to rush off to work, Kindy or any of my daughter's activities. I even managed to sneak in a nap yesterday afternoon while my daughter watched a bit of TV with my husband.
I am moving further into acceptance that SIF was just something I went through/have been through in life. I think with my friend passing a couple of weeks ago from cancer at the age of 42; my perspective around SIF has shifted a bit once again. Every now and then a shift happens which somehow allows some more peace into my being. What I'm getting at is it's God's Will; my SIF. Just like it was God's Will that my friend had cancer. At a very deep level there are countless shifts going on for me spiritually, emotionally and psychologically. SIF has caused me to grow in so many ways. It has been a wake-up call from the God of my understanding in ways in which I am still figuring out.
I am truly looking forward to closing the door on SIF for once and for all. I have been praying that 2010 will be the year that SIF starts to fade into the background.
I stayed up and watched an english movie last night called Catwalk Dogs. It interested me as it was about a couple who had experienced a couple of miscarriages and this affected their partnership. The movie touched on the difference between how men and women deal with miscarriages/infertility. The film was a comedy/drama so was a lighter take on the male-female dynamic around IF; but the message was there around how devastating miscarriage/IF is for a woman and how it is hard for men to "get that."
My favourite New Zealand soap Shortland Street, which is on a break for the Summer, has a married couple on it who have separated because they cannot have kids. The wife has it in her head that because IF is her problem; it's best she let's go of her husband so he can go and have kids with someone else. The plot is a little ridiculous but at least by having the IF issue within a popular prime time NZ programme; the public might start to get an insight into how big an issue IF is for couples.
Personally I do feel part of having SIF is about educating others about it. I think couples do need to be supported during IF and SIF as unfortunately there are periods of time in which couples are emotionally distanced from one another. If more people knew and understood IF/SIF - then perhaps the couples that go through it could be given the support they need - separately and together.
SIF is known as the "lonely infertility" because couples are perceived to be okay because they have one child. But couples going through SIF are under enormous pressure and emotional strain to keep everything going because they do have a child to raise while going through SIF. It messes with your head - or at least it has messed with mine - trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for my daughter while fighting my demons.
I put my plans to write my SIF book on hold as I got too busy with my two jobs these last few months but it will be written! I do believe one of the reasons I got hand-picked by God to experience SIF was so I could be a support for others. I do not mean that in a vain way. I'm just being real about the kind of person I am - I don't have an issue with emotional openness and believe in sharing my experience, strength and hope with those who could benefit from hearing it.
We had a lovely Christmas day spent with friends, neighbours and my husband's brother. It was nice to have our neighbours three month old at our place decked out in her first Christmas outfit. Last night my husband and I looked after the her while our neighbours went out briefly. I always enjoy looking after her and it is hard to not imagine "what if" around an adopted child when looking after a baby. My daughter is absolutely besotted with this baby and because I couldn't get her to leave the other day because we were at the neighbours; we ended up taking the baby for a walk. It fulfulls my MOT-needs every time having another tot under my wing.
My daughter has been talking about sisters quite a lot and even declared one of her new toys for Christmas was her "sister." I know she feels lonely sometimes being an only child. School holidays are often tricky times - especially the current one we are on - Summer school holidays here in New Zealand right now (that are 5 - 6 weeks long) as a lot of families are either away or doing their own thing.
I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year for us. We finally have some financial manageability after an economically-challenged year. Change is in the wings. In the meantime I am just making the most of the r and r that is on offer right now. It has been an emotionally draining year so it I'm enjoying reading books, watching movies and having some early nights these holidays.
I am moving further into acceptance that SIF was just something I went through/have been through in life. I think with my friend passing a couple of weeks ago from cancer at the age of 42; my perspective around SIF has shifted a bit once again. Every now and then a shift happens which somehow allows some more peace into my being. What I'm getting at is it's God's Will; my SIF. Just like it was God's Will that my friend had cancer. At a very deep level there are countless shifts going on for me spiritually, emotionally and psychologically. SIF has caused me to grow in so many ways. It has been a wake-up call from the God of my understanding in ways in which I am still figuring out.
I am truly looking forward to closing the door on SIF for once and for all. I have been praying that 2010 will be the year that SIF starts to fade into the background.
I stayed up and watched an english movie last night called Catwalk Dogs. It interested me as it was about a couple who had experienced a couple of miscarriages and this affected their partnership. The movie touched on the difference between how men and women deal with miscarriages/infertility. The film was a comedy/drama so was a lighter take on the male-female dynamic around IF; but the message was there around how devastating miscarriage/IF is for a woman and how it is hard for men to "get that."
My favourite New Zealand soap Shortland Street, which is on a break for the Summer, has a married couple on it who have separated because they cannot have kids. The wife has it in her head that because IF is her problem; it's best she let's go of her husband so he can go and have kids with someone else. The plot is a little ridiculous but at least by having the IF issue within a popular prime time NZ programme; the public might start to get an insight into how big an issue IF is for couples.
Personally I do feel part of having SIF is about educating others about it. I think couples do need to be supported during IF and SIF as unfortunately there are periods of time in which couples are emotionally distanced from one another. If more people knew and understood IF/SIF - then perhaps the couples that go through it could be given the support they need - separately and together.
SIF is known as the "lonely infertility" because couples are perceived to be okay because they have one child. But couples going through SIF are under enormous pressure and emotional strain to keep everything going because they do have a child to raise while going through SIF. It messes with your head - or at least it has messed with mine - trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for my daughter while fighting my demons.
I put my plans to write my SIF book on hold as I got too busy with my two jobs these last few months but it will be written! I do believe one of the reasons I got hand-picked by God to experience SIF was so I could be a support for others. I do not mean that in a vain way. I'm just being real about the kind of person I am - I don't have an issue with emotional openness and believe in sharing my experience, strength and hope with those who could benefit from hearing it.
We had a lovely Christmas day spent with friends, neighbours and my husband's brother. It was nice to have our neighbours three month old at our place decked out in her first Christmas outfit. Last night my husband and I looked after the her while our neighbours went out briefly. I always enjoy looking after her and it is hard to not imagine "what if" around an adopted child when looking after a baby. My daughter is absolutely besotted with this baby and because I couldn't get her to leave the other day because we were at the neighbours; we ended up taking the baby for a walk. It fulfulls my MOT-needs every time having another tot under my wing.
My daughter has been talking about sisters quite a lot and even declared one of her new toys for Christmas was her "sister." I know she feels lonely sometimes being an only child. School holidays are often tricky times - especially the current one we are on - Summer school holidays here in New Zealand right now (that are 5 - 6 weeks long) as a lot of families are either away or doing their own thing.
I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year for us. We finally have some financial manageability after an economically-challenged year. Change is in the wings. In the meantime I am just making the most of the r and r that is on offer right now. It has been an emotionally draining year so it I'm enjoying reading books, watching movies and having some early nights these holidays.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Over the oh-woe-is-mes
Christmas is undoubedtly a tough time of year as a SI. There is once again that simulataneous experience of being connected to the fertile world - having one off-spring to celebrate Christmas with while feeling disconnected and (once again) jealous of families out there with new additions to the family who get to celebrate First Christmases the second time round. Luckily no-one has sent us (thus far) the family of four Christmas photos. I find those very, very hard to look at.
I phoned up my newly pregnant friend last night. We talked about all sorts but I did touch on my SIF. All I said was that in the past I'd struggled with some other friend's pregnancies and just left it at that really. I was actually fine talking about her pregnancy. I think just the fact she understood that I could struggle with things helped plus I said I would speak up if I was in pregnancy-talk overwhelm and she understood that too. I think all I have ever wanted from family and friends is to be heard within my SIF.
I feel so over the heavy feelings of SIF. Even though I am no longer what I consider in the dark days of SIF; it is still an emotional burden that impacts my well-being. I look forward to the day when SIF is in the past and a non-issue.
I think 2010 will be a year of sorting out a lot of things. I am looking forward to starting counselling again early January and then going to see an infertility specialist in February. I know having an upcoming appointment with an infertility specialist has triggered me somewhat - as I have been reflecting on the last three years and all that I have been through.
After my daughter told me the other night: "If I die, you could have another baby.", I have been praying to God to take away this desire of mine to have another child. I so wish I could be happy with the status quo - why I can't just be content with my husband and daughter? My daughter muttered those words in response to a fascination with death that she is going through right now. But it still upset me to hear her speak them.
The last two Christmases I had hoped that God would somehow deliver a miracle and that I would get pregnant. This Christmas I haven't even gone there with God - but I still remain disappointed that we will be celebrating Christmas as a family of three this year. It seems every Christmas since we I started praying for another shot at motherhood I wind up "missing" the child that was meant to be with us. We will be spending part of Christmas day with our neighbours who have a three month old so that will be nice. Somehow it balances things having a baby in the picture.
Even though I have been getting into Christmas baking and the Christmas spirit a bit; I still feel like a Christmas grinch because a big part of me is aching at the moment. My SIF Christmas-grief causes me to want to recoil into myself. I guess it is a time of year of remembering those we love - and have lost. And I did lose a very big dream - to have another biological child. As time passes the pain seems to lessen in the respect that it is perhaps not in my face every single day. But the feelings of loss, grief, of no-longer feeling like a proper woman - they linger.
I don't even want to look back at my posts over the last two years around this time as I am pretty sure I was no doubt harping on about the same thing! I cannot ask for a Christmas miracle in the form of a baby - but peace would be nice. I want to be okay with my SIF. I doubt I'll ever be happy about it - but to be okay with it would be nice. Because until I get to the place of being okay with my SIF; I am essentially not okay with a big part of me - who I am today - and that non-acceptance of myself crosses over into some of my relationships around me.
Since hearing about the friend of mine who died from cancer in her mid-40s recently; I've accepted on some kind of a level that SIF is just something I've had to go through - it has been God's Will, as such.
I phoned up my newly pregnant friend last night. We talked about all sorts but I did touch on my SIF. All I said was that in the past I'd struggled with some other friend's pregnancies and just left it at that really. I was actually fine talking about her pregnancy. I think just the fact she understood that I could struggle with things helped plus I said I would speak up if I was in pregnancy-talk overwhelm and she understood that too. I think all I have ever wanted from family and friends is to be heard within my SIF.
I feel so over the heavy feelings of SIF. Even though I am no longer what I consider in the dark days of SIF; it is still an emotional burden that impacts my well-being. I look forward to the day when SIF is in the past and a non-issue.
I think 2010 will be a year of sorting out a lot of things. I am looking forward to starting counselling again early January and then going to see an infertility specialist in February. I know having an upcoming appointment with an infertility specialist has triggered me somewhat - as I have been reflecting on the last three years and all that I have been through.
After my daughter told me the other night: "If I die, you could have another baby.", I have been praying to God to take away this desire of mine to have another child. I so wish I could be happy with the status quo - why I can't just be content with my husband and daughter? My daughter muttered those words in response to a fascination with death that she is going through right now. But it still upset me to hear her speak them.
The last two Christmases I had hoped that God would somehow deliver a miracle and that I would get pregnant. This Christmas I haven't even gone there with God - but I still remain disappointed that we will be celebrating Christmas as a family of three this year. It seems every Christmas since we I started praying for another shot at motherhood I wind up "missing" the child that was meant to be with us. We will be spending part of Christmas day with our neighbours who have a three month old so that will be nice. Somehow it balances things having a baby in the picture.
Even though I have been getting into Christmas baking and the Christmas spirit a bit; I still feel like a Christmas grinch because a big part of me is aching at the moment. My SIF Christmas-grief causes me to want to recoil into myself. I guess it is a time of year of remembering those we love - and have lost. And I did lose a very big dream - to have another biological child. As time passes the pain seems to lessen in the respect that it is perhaps not in my face every single day. But the feelings of loss, grief, of no-longer feeling like a proper woman - they linger.
I don't even want to look back at my posts over the last two years around this time as I am pretty sure I was no doubt harping on about the same thing! I cannot ask for a Christmas miracle in the form of a baby - but peace would be nice. I want to be okay with my SIF. I doubt I'll ever be happy about it - but to be okay with it would be nice. Because until I get to the place of being okay with my SIF; I am essentially not okay with a big part of me - who I am today - and that non-acceptance of myself crosses over into some of my relationships around me.
Since hearing about the friend of mine who died from cancer in her mid-40s recently; I've accepted on some kind of a level that SIF is just something I've had to go through - it has been God's Will, as such.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Is it all worth it?
I finished up at my week-day job for the year yesterday - I have three weeks off (out of the five weeks that make up the Kindy school holidays). I am looking forward to being a full-time at-home Mum again. It has been a challenging eight weeks since I started my new job - balancing motherhood and work. My daughter has been greatly affected with me being out of the house more - I've worked a few nights on top of my mornings and this has upset her. With her ASD; routine and predictability are paramount for her mental-health/stability. It has been very hard watching her struggle with high anxiety levels as she's adjusted to this new job of mine.
I have questioned whether it's been worth it all over the last week in particular. My daughter's constipation increased, she wasn't eating much and she was in tears a few times when I picked her up from Kindy, telling me she was worried I wasn't turning up. She has said she wants me home and to not go to work.
The reason I took this job on was to improve our financial situation - and slowly and surely - we are seeing an improvement. But I also took this job on as a means to an end - that being adoption. By getting the job, we can in the near future apply for a home loan which will hopefully lead to a house which will improve our chances of being picked by a birth family.
Yet this focus - the adoption one - is affecting our family - we have all been stretched to the limit these last couple of months. If adoption hadn't been an option; I wonder if I would be working right now. I may have held off until my daughter was settled into school next year.
After all my daughter has been through - whether it be on an unconscious level or not - I feel bad (once again) that my need to have another child added to our family impacts on her life. It can't have been easy living with a Mum on antidepressants for six months, enduring countless blood tests and missing out on some of my time and energy because of my SIF grief. I have never wanted to send out the message to my daughter that one isn't enough - that she isn't enough - but I how can I not be sending out that message since I've spent over three years of my life pining for another child?
I feel close to the God of my understanding and do believe that everything is happening as it is meant to. My daughter is talking about sisters a lot - in play and conversation. But she hasn't yet asked the sibling question that I know many of us SI's dread. She even said last night we should get a sister for our cat since he is all alone! I know this came from watching a friend getting a bird mate for their current bird. But still.
Earlier this week I found out a friend of mine died from cancer at the age of 42. We'd lost touch but she was someone who made an impact in my life. I felt quite sad about it for a few days - particularly because she didn't get to do a lot of the stuff that is the "norm" in life - such as having kids. Her death has made me feel more grateful for what I do have on another level.
I have arranged to talk on the phone with a friend who is newly pregnant this Sunday. It upset me when she said in an email that she didn't feel being pregnant was a gift (as she feeling so sick). I know where she was coming from but I just don't need to hear that kind of thing. I did email a little back about the difficulty of the infertile woman-pregnant woman dynamic but there was no comment. I am amazied how every time someone seemingly ignores my attempts to reach out within SIF- and they are never easy attempts! - how triggered I feel when I get no response, misunderstood or judged. Anyway, I am hoping to have an honest discussion with this friend. I just cannot deal with hearing about pregnancy symptoms and how awful they are - not when I would (almost!) kill to be in a pregnant woman's shoes. I'm addressing this as I don't want this friendship to be affected by my SIF as some of my other friendships with Fertiles have been in the past.
I have questioned whether it's been worth it all over the last week in particular. My daughter's constipation increased, she wasn't eating much and she was in tears a few times when I picked her up from Kindy, telling me she was worried I wasn't turning up. She has said she wants me home and to not go to work.
The reason I took this job on was to improve our financial situation - and slowly and surely - we are seeing an improvement. But I also took this job on as a means to an end - that being adoption. By getting the job, we can in the near future apply for a home loan which will hopefully lead to a house which will improve our chances of being picked by a birth family.
Yet this focus - the adoption one - is affecting our family - we have all been stretched to the limit these last couple of months. If adoption hadn't been an option; I wonder if I would be working right now. I may have held off until my daughter was settled into school next year.
After all my daughter has been through - whether it be on an unconscious level or not - I feel bad (once again) that my need to have another child added to our family impacts on her life. It can't have been easy living with a Mum on antidepressants for six months, enduring countless blood tests and missing out on some of my time and energy because of my SIF grief. I have never wanted to send out the message to my daughter that one isn't enough - that she isn't enough - but I how can I not be sending out that message since I've spent over three years of my life pining for another child?
I feel close to the God of my understanding and do believe that everything is happening as it is meant to. My daughter is talking about sisters a lot - in play and conversation. But she hasn't yet asked the sibling question that I know many of us SI's dread. She even said last night we should get a sister for our cat since he is all alone! I know this came from watching a friend getting a bird mate for their current bird. But still.
Earlier this week I found out a friend of mine died from cancer at the age of 42. We'd lost touch but she was someone who made an impact in my life. I felt quite sad about it for a few days - particularly because she didn't get to do a lot of the stuff that is the "norm" in life - such as having kids. Her death has made me feel more grateful for what I do have on another level.
I have arranged to talk on the phone with a friend who is newly pregnant this Sunday. It upset me when she said in an email that she didn't feel being pregnant was a gift (as she feeling so sick). I know where she was coming from but I just don't need to hear that kind of thing. I did email a little back about the difficulty of the infertile woman-pregnant woman dynamic but there was no comment. I am amazied how every time someone seemingly ignores my attempts to reach out within SIF- and they are never easy attempts! - how triggered I feel when I get no response, misunderstood or judged. Anyway, I am hoping to have an honest discussion with this friend. I just cannot deal with hearing about pregnancy symptoms and how awful they are - not when I would (almost!) kill to be in a pregnant woman's shoes. I'm addressing this as I don't want this friendship to be affected by my SIF as some of my other friendships with Fertiles have been in the past.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Jaded
With the end of the (school) term approaching next week life has been crazy-busy. I feel like in some ways I am just holding on by the skin of my teeth. My new job is full-on and I have been putting in extra hours - some nights and I will be going in this weekend to catch-up on the paper-trail back-log I have. Phew!
A week ago a close friend gave birth to her first child - a boy. It was a horrific experience for her as she had complications with her placenta which was surgically removed resulting in her being in intensive care for three days, separated from her baby. I was quite emotional during this time as we live in different countries - me in New Zealand and she in Australia. I was worried about her of course. And I also experienced lots of guilt around all the jealous feelings I've had around her being pregnant/conceiving at the age of 42 when I was unofficially deemed infertile in my late thirties.
I guess it was a bit of a wake-up call and put things in perspective. I am so relieved my friend is on the mend now. Her experience also brought back my own daughter's delivery which was via an emergency c-section under a general - and then I "came to" to find out I'd lost an ovary.
I've made an appointment to see a counsellor in the New Year. This is someone I know through some community connections and I am trusting God that she is the right person to talk to about some lingering intimacy issues marriage-wise post-SIF. This will be the fourth time I would have sought counselling while being on this crazy SIF journey! But each patch of counselling has been for different reasons/different phases of SIF: the first sessions were around SIF itself - sorting out where I was within it, the second sessions were recommended because I was on anti-depressants and were about monitoring my mood/emotional management during SIF, the third sessions were marriage counselling sessions to help my husband and I to build some bridges during SIF and this time round is about me facing who I am post-SIF - how I have changed, how this has affected me in my marriage and what I want in a partnership.
So next year feels like it will be a year of sorting myself out once and for all around SIF. I have the counselling appointment in January and then the infertility appointment in February which should help me gain some closure around SIF.
I have been feeling quite stretched these last few weeks working during the week and doing the Mum thing. I am going through the ORRS funding process at the moment which is basically about seeking funding from the government so my daughter can have a teacher's aide for school, to assist her with her ASD, when she starts in three months. It is an exhausting process and has me feeling very overloaded while juggling a very demanding job.
But in a week's time my weekday job, Kindy and all my daughter's activities will be finished for the year. I am looking forward to a much quieter pace of life for the next few weeks after that!
I had a little cry on the way back from work yesterday as I missed my daughter's Kindy Christmas party because I was working. Up until yesterday have been to everything, all her events - being very involved all the way through. So it felt quite wrong to not be there. My husband managed to make it there for a bit which was good. People of course didn't understand why exactly I felt so torn between my daughter and work - but it was for the usual SIF reasons: I only have one child who is growing up way too fast - I don't want to miss out on her milestones!!
The lifestyle I am living right now is way too busy for my liking so I will make some adjustments for next year. I am too tired and irritable within family life because I feel so stressed and stretched in too many different directions. AF only came for a day recently and has been threatening to come again - I just don't know what my body is doing. I am looking forward to getting some answers to my hormonal imbalances next year as because I don't know what is going on exactly; I haven't known how to treat myself.
A week ago a close friend gave birth to her first child - a boy. It was a horrific experience for her as she had complications with her placenta which was surgically removed resulting in her being in intensive care for three days, separated from her baby. I was quite emotional during this time as we live in different countries - me in New Zealand and she in Australia. I was worried about her of course. And I also experienced lots of guilt around all the jealous feelings I've had around her being pregnant/conceiving at the age of 42 when I was unofficially deemed infertile in my late thirties.
I guess it was a bit of a wake-up call and put things in perspective. I am so relieved my friend is on the mend now. Her experience also brought back my own daughter's delivery which was via an emergency c-section under a general - and then I "came to" to find out I'd lost an ovary.
I've made an appointment to see a counsellor in the New Year. This is someone I know through some community connections and I am trusting God that she is the right person to talk to about some lingering intimacy issues marriage-wise post-SIF. This will be the fourth time I would have sought counselling while being on this crazy SIF journey! But each patch of counselling has been for different reasons/different phases of SIF: the first sessions were around SIF itself - sorting out where I was within it, the second sessions were recommended because I was on anti-depressants and were about monitoring my mood/emotional management during SIF, the third sessions were marriage counselling sessions to help my husband and I to build some bridges during SIF and this time round is about me facing who I am post-SIF - how I have changed, how this has affected me in my marriage and what I want in a partnership.
So next year feels like it will be a year of sorting myself out once and for all around SIF. I have the counselling appointment in January and then the infertility appointment in February which should help me gain some closure around SIF.
I have been feeling quite stretched these last few weeks working during the week and doing the Mum thing. I am going through the ORRS funding process at the moment which is basically about seeking funding from the government so my daughter can have a teacher's aide for school, to assist her with her ASD, when she starts in three months. It is an exhausting process and has me feeling very overloaded while juggling a very demanding job.
But in a week's time my weekday job, Kindy and all my daughter's activities will be finished for the year. I am looking forward to a much quieter pace of life for the next few weeks after that!
I had a little cry on the way back from work yesterday as I missed my daughter's Kindy Christmas party because I was working. Up until yesterday have been to everything, all her events - being very involved all the way through. So it felt quite wrong to not be there. My husband managed to make it there for a bit which was good. People of course didn't understand why exactly I felt so torn between my daughter and work - but it was for the usual SIF reasons: I only have one child who is growing up way too fast - I don't want to miss out on her milestones!!
The lifestyle I am living right now is way too busy for my liking so I will make some adjustments for next year. I am too tired and irritable within family life because I feel so stressed and stretched in too many different directions. AF only came for a day recently and has been threatening to come again - I just don't know what my body is doing. I am looking forward to getting some answers to my hormonal imbalances next year as because I don't know what is going on exactly; I haven't known how to treat myself.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Dr's appointment
Tuesday morning I had an appointment with my Dr. The whole point of the appointment was to start the process in gaining some closure around my SIF. When I made the appointment it stirred up some deep SIF feelings and I was going to write a letter to my Dr and some of the other of the health professionals I've dealt with along the way to explain just how badly I thought I had been treated along the way.
But I went to the Dr's appointment without a letter and ended up just explaining where I was at - that it had been three years of SIF for me and I was ready to close the door on it all - I just wanted some answers. My Dr was great and understood where I was coming from. She said she'd had female patients in their sixties and seventies who were still questioning their infertility (as it was never explained). That is how I thought it might be for me if I didn't find out why this is all happened. So my Dr got some paperwork together for me and I will put that plus all the other files I have together to forward to the infertility specialist I am seeing in February.
Surprisingly, I felt at peace after the appointment with my Dr. I guess it just felt like something I really needed to do for me and I feel good and strong about that decision. I have been working the 12 steps around SIF since the start of the year and am at step eight and nine which is about making amends to those I have harmed. It certainly does feel like a time of starting to heal some of the relationship ruptures that have occured because of SIF. But before I can have the conversations with the people I want and need to; I have to make amends to myself and my amends are about getting some answers around my SIF. I deserve some answers. Even if I cannot get a full explanation; it will help to get a little more insight into what has happened. Surely some kind of conclusion can be drawn from one ovary, high FSH levels and diminishing periods - you'd think so, wouldn't you.
Ironically AF started knocking at my door yesterday shortly after my Dr's appointment so I will be able to do another day three FSH test to add to my file. My latest FSH result from about three months ago is 20. I've yet to look at all my FSH results over the last three years but the highest it ever has been is 86 and the lowest 18. So my ovarian reverse is pretty poor.
Last night I hosted the third infertility support group for Nelson. There were just four of us this time but it went really well. There was one new woman which was great. Our topic was "Managing relationships" which was great. We have the meeting room we have been using booked out for 2010 so it's nice to know that that is all in place. Now it's just a matter of getting the word out there a bit more - that there is an infertility group in this town. That's something I will do more of next year.
I congratulated a Dad I know on becoming a father for the second time today. It was a big deal for me. I'm afraid it doesn't come naturally to me acknowledging additions to other people's families and I often don't say anything - it's like I am emotionally frozen and a simple congratulations is just too hard to manage! But I have to remember it's not The Fertiles fault that I cannot conceive - that they got what they hoped for and I didn't. It is just not so easy to put my SIF feelings to one side when presented with baby news though - no matter how far along I am in my SIF journey, it would seem.
By reopening my file with my Dr on Tuesday I realised that everything that has happened on my SIF journey has happened in God's time. I guess although I feel there was some mismanagement around my SIF; at the end of the day, things probably couldn't have moved any faster than they did. The only thing I could have done differently is gone straight to an infertility specialist instead of going via a gyno and losing lots of time. But I was naive amongst it all and did hand my power over to the medical world for quite a number of months. I cannot change what I didn't do. I like to think we end up where we are meant to sometimes - whatever route we take. Pretty much as soon as we started to TTC our second child, there were obvious problems with my cycle. Perhaps I have been infertile since my daughter was born - when my ovary was removed. It is possible.
So on the SIF front I'm kinda okay. Okay but applying some self-preservation right now as I've heard others describe it when some space is put between you and The Fertiles out there. I want to phone my close friend who is newly pregnant but am not yet ready yet. I will get there. I'm excited for my other close friend who is due to have her first child any day now but when I got her text last night telling me she was likely to be induced just as I was heading off to my IF support group, it was still a bit of a punch in the guts.
After my IF support group meeting I popped in on a dessert and coffee evening I was invited to. I blurted out where I had been - as I had been asked. Interesting comments followed. One woman reckoned she knew "lots" of women with SIF. Really? Where are they? I haven't met them!! One also mentioned how after her second child her Dr indicated she could have been infertile but since she didn't want any other children she doesn't know for sure. Hmmm, I dunno. You really can't bring SIF up in casual conversation if you are feeling even mildly vulnerable around it all. There was a couple there that have four children and they got to share about four remarkable quick births. Hmmm, again! I just don't want or need to hear those details. I guess I get worried that when I show an interest in others people's birthing experiences or new additions they will tell me much more than I wanted to know - one reason why I haven't initated an exchange with many a Fertile for the last three years.
I've looked after the neighbour's baby a few times now. Last week I offered to do some babysitting so the parents (a young couple) could go on a gym date. I was feeling quite raw within SIF last week after a series of birth and pregnancy news but I really enjoyed caring for a three month old. In fact, the three of us enjoyed playing a family of four for an hour and a half. It is healing for me somehow at this point to hold a baby. There was a time when that would have hurt too much. We are all getting to know our neighbour's baby in our family and it only reassures us that loving an adopted child would come naturally for us - that part of the adoption equation is not something we need to worry about.
Emotionally I feel as though I am sorting myself out a bit more around SIF. I have lots going on in my life outside of SIF - mainly I am insanely busy. But emotionally it is a bit like facing the calm after the storm that was SIF. The thing is even when I start to move on from SIF my perspective never changes in that it was the most devastating experience I've ever been through. I feel changed and affected in more ways than I will probably ever know.
But I went to the Dr's appointment without a letter and ended up just explaining where I was at - that it had been three years of SIF for me and I was ready to close the door on it all - I just wanted some answers. My Dr was great and understood where I was coming from. She said she'd had female patients in their sixties and seventies who were still questioning their infertility (as it was never explained). That is how I thought it might be for me if I didn't find out why this is all happened. So my Dr got some paperwork together for me and I will put that plus all the other files I have together to forward to the infertility specialist I am seeing in February.
Surprisingly, I felt at peace after the appointment with my Dr. I guess it just felt like something I really needed to do for me and I feel good and strong about that decision. I have been working the 12 steps around SIF since the start of the year and am at step eight and nine which is about making amends to those I have harmed. It certainly does feel like a time of starting to heal some of the relationship ruptures that have occured because of SIF. But before I can have the conversations with the people I want and need to; I have to make amends to myself and my amends are about getting some answers around my SIF. I deserve some answers. Even if I cannot get a full explanation; it will help to get a little more insight into what has happened. Surely some kind of conclusion can be drawn from one ovary, high FSH levels and diminishing periods - you'd think so, wouldn't you.
Ironically AF started knocking at my door yesterday shortly after my Dr's appointment so I will be able to do another day three FSH test to add to my file. My latest FSH result from about three months ago is 20. I've yet to look at all my FSH results over the last three years but the highest it ever has been is 86 and the lowest 18. So my ovarian reverse is pretty poor.
Last night I hosted the third infertility support group for Nelson. There were just four of us this time but it went really well. There was one new woman which was great. Our topic was "Managing relationships" which was great. We have the meeting room we have been using booked out for 2010 so it's nice to know that that is all in place. Now it's just a matter of getting the word out there a bit more - that there is an infertility group in this town. That's something I will do more of next year.
I congratulated a Dad I know on becoming a father for the second time today. It was a big deal for me. I'm afraid it doesn't come naturally to me acknowledging additions to other people's families and I often don't say anything - it's like I am emotionally frozen and a simple congratulations is just too hard to manage! But I have to remember it's not The Fertiles fault that I cannot conceive - that they got what they hoped for and I didn't. It is just not so easy to put my SIF feelings to one side when presented with baby news though - no matter how far along I am in my SIF journey, it would seem.
By reopening my file with my Dr on Tuesday I realised that everything that has happened on my SIF journey has happened in God's time. I guess although I feel there was some mismanagement around my SIF; at the end of the day, things probably couldn't have moved any faster than they did. The only thing I could have done differently is gone straight to an infertility specialist instead of going via a gyno and losing lots of time. But I was naive amongst it all and did hand my power over to the medical world for quite a number of months. I cannot change what I didn't do. I like to think we end up where we are meant to sometimes - whatever route we take. Pretty much as soon as we started to TTC our second child, there were obvious problems with my cycle. Perhaps I have been infertile since my daughter was born - when my ovary was removed. It is possible.
So on the SIF front I'm kinda okay. Okay but applying some self-preservation right now as I've heard others describe it when some space is put between you and The Fertiles out there. I want to phone my close friend who is newly pregnant but am not yet ready yet. I will get there. I'm excited for my other close friend who is due to have her first child any day now but when I got her text last night telling me she was likely to be induced just as I was heading off to my IF support group, it was still a bit of a punch in the guts.
After my IF support group meeting I popped in on a dessert and coffee evening I was invited to. I blurted out where I had been - as I had been asked. Interesting comments followed. One woman reckoned she knew "lots" of women with SIF. Really? Where are they? I haven't met them!! One also mentioned how after her second child her Dr indicated she could have been infertile but since she didn't want any other children she doesn't know for sure. Hmmm, I dunno. You really can't bring SIF up in casual conversation if you are feeling even mildly vulnerable around it all. There was a couple there that have four children and they got to share about four remarkable quick births. Hmmm, again! I just don't want or need to hear those details. I guess I get worried that when I show an interest in others people's birthing experiences or new additions they will tell me much more than I wanted to know - one reason why I haven't initated an exchange with many a Fertile for the last three years.
I've looked after the neighbour's baby a few times now. Last week I offered to do some babysitting so the parents (a young couple) could go on a gym date. I was feeling quite raw within SIF last week after a series of birth and pregnancy news but I really enjoyed caring for a three month old. In fact, the three of us enjoyed playing a family of four for an hour and a half. It is healing for me somehow at this point to hold a baby. There was a time when that would have hurt too much. We are all getting to know our neighbour's baby in our family and it only reassures us that loving an adopted child would come naturally for us - that part of the adoption equation is not something we need to worry about.
Emotionally I feel as though I am sorting myself out a bit more around SIF. I have lots going on in my life outside of SIF - mainly I am insanely busy. But emotionally it is a bit like facing the calm after the storm that was SIF. The thing is even when I start to move on from SIF my perspective never changes in that it was the most devastating experience I've ever been through. I feel changed and affected in more ways than I will probably ever know.
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