It feels as though this last quarter of the adoption process is going relatively fast. In between appointments with our assigned Social Worker I am a bundle of nerves. But I am fine once we are in there - being questioned as such - about every aspect of our lives.
After over three years of SIF I felt so ripped off by the God of my understanding. I felt like I only wanted one little thing, really - to be a mother again - to have another biological child. It turned out that was a big thing to ask for, in God's eyes. It wasn't so simple in the end - it was request God was unable to fulfill.
Naturally - well, I think it has been a natural response - I've been a little peeved at God. I do not understand and probably never will get why motherhood comes so, so easily for many women - even to women who don't even want it.
Yet God has directed me down the path of adoption. We have been warned that the chances of it working out are slim by the social workers themselves. Well, in so many words they have given us the stats and said we could get picked the next day after going into the prospective adoptive parents pool - or we may never get picked. It really is that black and white.
I have been trying to hold back with my adoption fantasies. I said to my husband that when a close friend comes to stay at the end of the year, with her one year old that we could have two babies in the house! He looked at me blankly. "You know, adoption..." I said. But he responded by saying it was most unlikely that would happen. So I took off my rose-coloured glasses and have been leaning more on the pessimistic side of adoption working out for us lately. But that is no fun. It is not good for one's psyche thinking in the long-term that dreams are unlikely to be delivered. So I've decided, because we are only in the pool for two years, why not dream a little. Because dreams are free, aren't they?
I find it so hard to live in the grey - to think that adoption could - or couldn't work out. I guess I will change a lot in the way I sit within the adoption process over the next few months and the time that we are in the actual prospective adoptive parents pool. Once again this limbo-land place with adding to our family impacts our lives in both small and significant ways. Other Mums I know of one child the same age as mine are retraining/changing jobs or looking to the next thing now that their child is settled at school. But I cannot plan too far ahead; just in case we get "the call" - the call telling us that we have been picked by a birth family.
So I'm not sure what exactly I am meant to be doing with myself as we head towards the end of the adoption process. Some creative urges have started up again so I guess I will go with those - paintings and short stories. I just cannot help but feel as though I am waiting for a big part of my life to "start" and I am almost 42! I am so looking forward to the day when the door is closed on all this - that we are either given another child - or not. Just to have an answer, a conclusion will be a relief at this stage - whatever it is.
Sarah McLachlan's song Angel has always been an amazing song to me. But right now some of the lyrics seem so apt for where I'm at - hoping and waiting for a second chance to add to our family.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Another appointment with our social worker ticked off
We had our second official appointment with Adoption Services - with our assigned Social Worker this morning. I have been quite nervous about the appointment and was quite churned up about it this morning but it went fine. It wasn't so bad once we were in there. We have our next appointment in two weeks - this time the social worker will meet us in our home.
I feel such a mix of feelings all over again. It is so hard to know how to feel so I guess I just have to go with how I feel at any given time within the adoption process. It felt really good to write about "envy" in my last post. I really needed to get it out. I cannot beat myself up for feeling envious at times of those women that have what I want - a second child. It is unfortunately part and parcel of the SIF deal. Show me a woman who doesn't get jealous of women with their completed families who is trying to start or complete her family - I find it hard to believe that such a woman exists.
I feel a bit more excited and hopeful about adoption today. My husband and I do both feel the adoption process is moving us somewhere - it might be to go down the fostering path - we will just have to wait and see. After our appointment today I thought - I think we both felt - that we are great parents. In many ways fostering is the obvious option - particularly from a social worker's perspective. My husband said it himself.
I feel some self-pride today. Proud that I went through SIF and allowed myself to be exactly where I needed to be throughout it all and that I am doing the same within the adoption process. There are ups and downs within the adoption process and I will just have to ride them out. It is so different to SIF in that it isn't about me personally anymore - it's not about my body and what it can't/didn't do. It's about us as a couple and what we can offer for a child who is being adopted - and what we can offer a birth family.
Our colourful pasts - divorced and blended families and the experience of going through SIF - not to mention raising a child with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) means we have been through a lot of loss and change and challenges already in our lives. We are equipped to take on a child that isn't biologically ours and all that comes with the triad of open-adoption. I feel excited in some respects that a birth family might come into our lives. Everything happens for a reason. I always believe that. If an adopted child comes our way; I believe we are meant to be connected to a birth family.
Anyway, after the appointment in two weeks time we will be close to finishing all our appointments! Our social worker said there may be some additional questions. So perhaps we will hear in August whether or not we have been accepted as prospective adoptive parents. When we have we can get on to writing our profile which should be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October - if not earlier.
We bought a bed a couple of weeks ago - just a single one for our third bedroom. It feels as though someone is coming - that the bed will be used at some point. So our third bedroom is currently set up as my office/bedroom.
I phoned up the infertility specialists before who I saw in February...I am still waiting for my "closure letter" - five months later! Even though it is painfully obvious that I am in early menopause; my Dr and gynos won't treat me until I have such a letter to confirm that is what is going on. Plus I just really, really want the letter for closure reasons. AF has tried to come the last few months but to no avail. I think I might be close to being on the other side of going through menopause. I could be post-menopausal at 42 (you have to have 12 months of no periods to be classed as having gone through menopause). My symptoms continue to be aggravated when I am stressed and/or haven't had enough sleep or rest. But for the most part I am managing my symptoms 100% naturally and doing well. I probably need to have some bone density tests since I have been through menopause relatively young in life - I do believe I started menopause at the age of 38 - almost four years ago when we ironically started trying to conceive our second child.
I guess I am slowly getting the answers to some of the questions that have plagued me for a while. I feel some peace today. I will continue to stay close to God and to allow Him to show me the way. One. Day. At. A. Time.
I feel such a mix of feelings all over again. It is so hard to know how to feel so I guess I just have to go with how I feel at any given time within the adoption process. It felt really good to write about "envy" in my last post. I really needed to get it out. I cannot beat myself up for feeling envious at times of those women that have what I want - a second child. It is unfortunately part and parcel of the SIF deal. Show me a woman who doesn't get jealous of women with their completed families who is trying to start or complete her family - I find it hard to believe that such a woman exists.
I feel a bit more excited and hopeful about adoption today. My husband and I do both feel the adoption process is moving us somewhere - it might be to go down the fostering path - we will just have to wait and see. After our appointment today I thought - I think we both felt - that we are great parents. In many ways fostering is the obvious option - particularly from a social worker's perspective. My husband said it himself.
I feel some self-pride today. Proud that I went through SIF and allowed myself to be exactly where I needed to be throughout it all and that I am doing the same within the adoption process. There are ups and downs within the adoption process and I will just have to ride them out. It is so different to SIF in that it isn't about me personally anymore - it's not about my body and what it can't/didn't do. It's about us as a couple and what we can offer for a child who is being adopted - and what we can offer a birth family.
Our colourful pasts - divorced and blended families and the experience of going through SIF - not to mention raising a child with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) means we have been through a lot of loss and change and challenges already in our lives. We are equipped to take on a child that isn't biologically ours and all that comes with the triad of open-adoption. I feel excited in some respects that a birth family might come into our lives. Everything happens for a reason. I always believe that. If an adopted child comes our way; I believe we are meant to be connected to a birth family.
Anyway, after the appointment in two weeks time we will be close to finishing all our appointments! Our social worker said there may be some additional questions. So perhaps we will hear in August whether or not we have been accepted as prospective adoptive parents. When we have we can get on to writing our profile which should be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October - if not earlier.
We bought a bed a couple of weeks ago - just a single one for our third bedroom. It feels as though someone is coming - that the bed will be used at some point. So our third bedroom is currently set up as my office/bedroom.
I phoned up the infertility specialists before who I saw in February...I am still waiting for my "closure letter" - five months later! Even though it is painfully obvious that I am in early menopause; my Dr and gynos won't treat me until I have such a letter to confirm that is what is going on. Plus I just really, really want the letter for closure reasons. AF has tried to come the last few months but to no avail. I think I might be close to being on the other side of going through menopause. I could be post-menopausal at 42 (you have to have 12 months of no periods to be classed as having gone through menopause). My symptoms continue to be aggravated when I am stressed and/or haven't had enough sleep or rest. But for the most part I am managing my symptoms 100% naturally and doing well. I probably need to have some bone density tests since I have been through menopause relatively young in life - I do believe I started menopause at the age of 38 - almost four years ago when we ironically started trying to conceive our second child.
I guess I am slowly getting the answers to some of the questions that have plagued me for a while. I feel some peace today. I will continue to stay close to God and to allow Him to show me the way. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Envy
On the eve of our second offical appointment with our social worker from Adoption Services; I find myself riddled with envy. The fear I am living with; that adoption may not work out for us; makes it so very hard to live comfortably alongside all the Mums out there that have what I want - a completed family.
I feel so bad that I haven't yet acknowledged the baby that has been born to the family across the road from us. It is their third child. I kind of know the Mum through Kindy connections. I guess we are acquaintances only so I can get away with not acknowledging her baby for a while longer before it borders on being rude.
The baby must be a couple of weeks old now. On Monday it was the first day back at school and I saw her walking down the street looking so, so proud with her tribe - her five year old, her three (?) year old and her newborn. Her Mum or Mum-in-law was with her. A happy little bunch of family unity - it was almost as though God was directly smiling down on them. The MOTH (mother-of-three) looked like the cat that had gotten the cream. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, how radiant and content she looked. How proud she was to show off her newest addition to the family to all the school-Mums as she dropped her eldest daughter off at school. I was about to say "congratulations" but choked up when I saw all the other Mums swarming in to take a peek at her baby. I was so eaten alive with jealousy - and still am - I just find it easiest to keep a very wide berth right now.
I remember what it felt like to walk around with a new bundle of joy. The attention and the love was incredible. It was as if I had done something pretty incredible by creating a life and it felt so amazing. What Mum doesn't want to recreate that? I still feel so robbed that I will not get a repeat performance of conception/pregnancy/birth.
What I hate about SIF and the aftermath of SIF (well one of the things), is all the self-questioning. The way I have to justify to myself and to others why I want to be a Mum all over again. The Mums like the one across the road never had to. For them it is the norm, just spitting out another one. Yet I am in the spotlight now as an outted woman who went through SIF. I am the greedy one somehow because I am pushing past what is perhaps meant to be my fate - and trying to add to our family via adoption.
I have to plead my case before Social workers, before friends and family, before people I don't even know - and most of all - before God. I feel (once again) that my desire for another child is selfish. Just a couple of nights a go someone I work with commented that he saw my article about the infertility support group I started in the paper. He thought I had been through primary infertility and was quite sympathetic. When I said I had a child he swiftly changed his tune. He pulled out the usual" At least you have one child" card.
It's four days since my half-siblings left. I miss the chaos of three kids in the house together. I won't deny it was challenging having so many kids under one roof - but I felt like I did a really good job of mothering them all - and I enjoyed it. For one week I felt complete.
Some of my family of origin stuff has been triggered post-extended family visit. I wonder if my desire for another addition to our family is about healing old wounds. I get angry that I should even have to question why I want another child. Surely the want and desire is enough? It's enough for the majority of families out there.
I just feel as though I am missing something. It is as if there is one giant piece of the jigsaw puzzle has been lost and the pieces I have so far around my quest to add to our family don't make sense.
I desperately want to move on from being in this holding pattern and the only way I can do so is by completing the adoption process - I need to be done and dusted with that before I can completely start to make peace with this rather looooooong chapter in my life. I keep losing me throughout this process - first through SIF and now in the aftermath/the adoption process - I don't know who I am or what I want to be anymore.
If God doesn't grant me my wish to have another child, then I cannot help but take it personally that I am not good-enough in God's eyes to parent two children. And out of all the careers and various jobs I've had over the years; motherhood is the only job I have felt like I have really fitted in. I have heard some women say that they were born to be mothers. I felt like that when my daughter came along. But now she is fulltime in school and while I'm working part-time I still have time free in the week to do whatever - what exactly, I'm not sure. Sure, I enjoy going to the gym/having coffee with friends and making watching pre-recorded episodes of my favourite NZ soap. But there is a part of me that wants to keep doing the Mumsy stuff. I cannot quite accept that there isn't this other little one in tow at home getting under my feet and in my way as I do all the nesting stuff I enjoy.
My life feels like one big fat mystery at this moment in time. But I don't want to permanently be miserable. So I will do everything in my power to endure this trying life - I will apply as much self-care as I possibly can - and I will try to smell the roses. Despite of myself and what life has (or hasn't) offered me at this point of time; I do have fleeting moments of feeling connected to God. Like sitting on our backdoor step in the sunshine in the weekend and remembering how once we thought we were so priced out of the property market that we would never own our own home. Well we are now four months into home ownership and I am extremely grateful for that. It is a dream that came true and I have to remember that some good stuff has happened over the last (almost) four years since we started trying to add to our family. God has delivered some miracles.
I don't know what the future will bring. I know big disappointments in life often leave me afraid to dream too big for a while. I am back in that place. Scared and hurt that because we cannot conceive again; that I will not be a mother again. It has been like going through two separate deaths. The first one was so personal - that biologically my body was unable to make a baby again. It took such a long, long time to comprehend that. Now I'm having to accept that we may possibly not get picked by a birth family - we might - or we might not. I'm sure once we've been through this adoption process, I will have healed and accepted the status quo a little more. There is still so much more to take in - to digest. I'm trying to be gentle and to just roll with the punches. One Day At A Time - it always comes back to that.
I feel so bad that I haven't yet acknowledged the baby that has been born to the family across the road from us. It is their third child. I kind of know the Mum through Kindy connections. I guess we are acquaintances only so I can get away with not acknowledging her baby for a while longer before it borders on being rude.
The baby must be a couple of weeks old now. On Monday it was the first day back at school and I saw her walking down the street looking so, so proud with her tribe - her five year old, her three (?) year old and her newborn. Her Mum or Mum-in-law was with her. A happy little bunch of family unity - it was almost as though God was directly smiling down on them. The MOTH (mother-of-three) looked like the cat that had gotten the cream. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, how radiant and content she looked. How proud she was to show off her newest addition to the family to all the school-Mums as she dropped her eldest daughter off at school. I was about to say "congratulations" but choked up when I saw all the other Mums swarming in to take a peek at her baby. I was so eaten alive with jealousy - and still am - I just find it easiest to keep a very wide berth right now.
I remember what it felt like to walk around with a new bundle of joy. The attention and the love was incredible. It was as if I had done something pretty incredible by creating a life and it felt so amazing. What Mum doesn't want to recreate that? I still feel so robbed that I will not get a repeat performance of conception/pregnancy/birth.
What I hate about SIF and the aftermath of SIF (well one of the things), is all the self-questioning. The way I have to justify to myself and to others why I want to be a Mum all over again. The Mums like the one across the road never had to. For them it is the norm, just spitting out another one. Yet I am in the spotlight now as an outted woman who went through SIF. I am the greedy one somehow because I am pushing past what is perhaps meant to be my fate - and trying to add to our family via adoption.
I have to plead my case before Social workers, before friends and family, before people I don't even know - and most of all - before God. I feel (once again) that my desire for another child is selfish. Just a couple of nights a go someone I work with commented that he saw my article about the infertility support group I started in the paper. He thought I had been through primary infertility and was quite sympathetic. When I said I had a child he swiftly changed his tune. He pulled out the usual" At least you have one child" card.
It's four days since my half-siblings left. I miss the chaos of three kids in the house together. I won't deny it was challenging having so many kids under one roof - but I felt like I did a really good job of mothering them all - and I enjoyed it. For one week I felt complete.
Some of my family of origin stuff has been triggered post-extended family visit. I wonder if my desire for another addition to our family is about healing old wounds. I get angry that I should even have to question why I want another child. Surely the want and desire is enough? It's enough for the majority of families out there.
I just feel as though I am missing something. It is as if there is one giant piece of the jigsaw puzzle has been lost and the pieces I have so far around my quest to add to our family don't make sense.
I desperately want to move on from being in this holding pattern and the only way I can do so is by completing the adoption process - I need to be done and dusted with that before I can completely start to make peace with this rather looooooong chapter in my life. I keep losing me throughout this process - first through SIF and now in the aftermath/the adoption process - I don't know who I am or what I want to be anymore.
If God doesn't grant me my wish to have another child, then I cannot help but take it personally that I am not good-enough in God's eyes to parent two children. And out of all the careers and various jobs I've had over the years; motherhood is the only job I have felt like I have really fitted in. I have heard some women say that they were born to be mothers. I felt like that when my daughter came along. But now she is fulltime in school and while I'm working part-time I still have time free in the week to do whatever - what exactly, I'm not sure. Sure, I enjoy going to the gym/having coffee with friends and making watching pre-recorded episodes of my favourite NZ soap. But there is a part of me that wants to keep doing the Mumsy stuff. I cannot quite accept that there isn't this other little one in tow at home getting under my feet and in my way as I do all the nesting stuff I enjoy.
My life feels like one big fat mystery at this moment in time. But I don't want to permanently be miserable. So I will do everything in my power to endure this trying life - I will apply as much self-care as I possibly can - and I will try to smell the roses. Despite of myself and what life has (or hasn't) offered me at this point of time; I do have fleeting moments of feeling connected to God. Like sitting on our backdoor step in the sunshine in the weekend and remembering how once we thought we were so priced out of the property market that we would never own our own home. Well we are now four months into home ownership and I am extremely grateful for that. It is a dream that came true and I have to remember that some good stuff has happened over the last (almost) four years since we started trying to add to our family. God has delivered some miracles.
I don't know what the future will bring. I know big disappointments in life often leave me afraid to dream too big for a while. I am back in that place. Scared and hurt that because we cannot conceive again; that I will not be a mother again. It has been like going through two separate deaths. The first one was so personal - that biologically my body was unable to make a baby again. It took such a long, long time to comprehend that. Now I'm having to accept that we may possibly not get picked by a birth family - we might - or we might not. I'm sure once we've been through this adoption process, I will have healed and accepted the status quo a little more. There is still so much more to take in - to digest. I'm trying to be gentle and to just roll with the punches. One Day At A Time - it always comes back to that.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Making sense of the universe
Sometimes I think too much. I over-analyse things and get myself so wound up and confused that I don't know what is what. I feel as I move from SIF waters into the (serious) adoption process waters that I am in a mind-f**k all over again. It is so hard to just let it all go - to trust the universe - to go with the flow - and to let what will be, be.
I find myself feeling a mix of feelings all over again. Angry and resentful for one that I should even have to be in this position of going through the adoption process. Angry and resentful that we are putting ourselves through this process which might not actually work out for us. We are taking a risk while letting go of a big dream - to have another biological child - and the risk may just end up being that - a risk.
I am afraid to dream, to hope or to pray for another child to come into our lives anymore. I did all that for three plus long years and all it resulted in was heartbreak and pain. If I allow myself to dream, hope and pray again for another little person; I feel as though I will be or am fooling myself. Because yes, there is a part of me that feels foolish for even venturing down the Plan B route for us when there is no guarantee it will happen.
What are the lessons I am meant to be getting here? I've no idea. I know life comes with some hard bits but I feel as though I have been through one very hard bit - trying for another child and it didn't/couldn't happen. The adoption process feels hard in a different way. Hard because of the way in which we are being scrutinised as we go through this process. For would-be parents it must be hard. For actual parents it almost feels ludicrous, even though I completely understand why all the questions and appointments need to happen.
What a bittersweet week it was in many ways caring for my two half-siblings, alongside my daughter. I got a real taste of what it feels like to have several children under my wing. I loved it. I was challenged and I had less time to myself and so much more work to do - more food to cook/more mess to clean up/more children to manage. But when the three of them were buzzing around in their little threesome; our house came alive. Perhaps because I had a sister myself growing up, it feels eerily quiet at times with just one child living here (though trust me our daughter is pretty noisy at times!).
I'm sick of trying to make sense of this journey I have been on for too long. I so desperately want life to be about something else. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives soon. I really do. If I am not meant to parent another child, then I want to get on to the next thing - whatever that is. But I cannot move on to the next thing until the door is closed on adding to our family. I might have to wait another two years to get our answer. That will be six years all up of hoping and praying for another shot at motherhood and it may all be for nothing.
I looked online last night into fostering. It appeals. Sounds as though we meet all the criteria and the process is only two months. But I know we cannot look into that until we've finished the adoption process. It would be too confusing and perhaps not doable anyway, going down both the fostering and adoption roads at once. I need to be clear too. I am well aware that the fostering option could be a knee-jerk reaction to adoption being our only option to add to our family. The threat of it not working out hangs over me like one very dark cloud.
If it wasn't enough to endure the self-esteem-bashing of SIF; the adoption process only adds fuel to the fire. Obviously all those who make it into the prospective adoptive parents pool are reliable, stable types. So we are up against other would-be parents with similar solid characteristics. We aren't/won't be anything special. The bottom-line is whether or not a birth family likes what they see when they see our profile. We can only be ourselves and there is no guarantee that in the two years that we are choosing to be in the pool that we will match the needs/likes of a birth family.
It seems some struggle with SIF for however long and get their happy ending. But I fear that I will be left behind - not only did I not be one of the blessed who conquered SIF in the end - I may not even be rewarded with Plan B working out for adding to our family. I know this may sound like one big pity-party but I just feel so let-down by God/the universe.
It upset me at dinner tonight when my husband said to my daughter that she could boss her children around when she was an adult and she replied that not all women have children - "I might not have any children." Oh my God. Should a five year old even know that?! I have tried so hard to not dump my feelings or to burden my daughter about all this SIF crap but she was asking so much about siblings at one point that the conversation about not all women being able to have children - or another child came up. She gets it. I just hope that however this turns out she will learn and see that her Mum did her best and somehow turned things around. I want her to learn at least that life isn't perfect - since she has been unfortunately exposed to this lesson - but that it is possible to move on from disappointing life-events. (even though I still have some work to do there!)
Anyway, it's back to the grindstone as of tomorrow - my holidays are over. Back into my routine and early nights and self-care. Back to living one day at a time and not worrying about the future. I can't afford to look too far ahead as it only does my head-in if I think about how things may pan out too much. It is hard to stay in the present when the adoption process stirs up thoughts about an imagery child that may never come. I'm looking forward to our next appointment on Thursday simply so I can tick it off and to continue to move through the rest of the adoption process as fast as we can. It means we're one step closer to finishing this chapter of our lives - however it all ends.
I find myself feeling a mix of feelings all over again. Angry and resentful for one that I should even have to be in this position of going through the adoption process. Angry and resentful that we are putting ourselves through this process which might not actually work out for us. We are taking a risk while letting go of a big dream - to have another biological child - and the risk may just end up being that - a risk.
I am afraid to dream, to hope or to pray for another child to come into our lives anymore. I did all that for three plus long years and all it resulted in was heartbreak and pain. If I allow myself to dream, hope and pray again for another little person; I feel as though I will be or am fooling myself. Because yes, there is a part of me that feels foolish for even venturing down the Plan B route for us when there is no guarantee it will happen.
What are the lessons I am meant to be getting here? I've no idea. I know life comes with some hard bits but I feel as though I have been through one very hard bit - trying for another child and it didn't/couldn't happen. The adoption process feels hard in a different way. Hard because of the way in which we are being scrutinised as we go through this process. For would-be parents it must be hard. For actual parents it almost feels ludicrous, even though I completely understand why all the questions and appointments need to happen.
What a bittersweet week it was in many ways caring for my two half-siblings, alongside my daughter. I got a real taste of what it feels like to have several children under my wing. I loved it. I was challenged and I had less time to myself and so much more work to do - more food to cook/more mess to clean up/more children to manage. But when the three of them were buzzing around in their little threesome; our house came alive. Perhaps because I had a sister myself growing up, it feels eerily quiet at times with just one child living here (though trust me our daughter is pretty noisy at times!).
I'm sick of trying to make sense of this journey I have been on for too long. I so desperately want life to be about something else. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives soon. I really do. If I am not meant to parent another child, then I want to get on to the next thing - whatever that is. But I cannot move on to the next thing until the door is closed on adding to our family. I might have to wait another two years to get our answer. That will be six years all up of hoping and praying for another shot at motherhood and it may all be for nothing.
I looked online last night into fostering. It appeals. Sounds as though we meet all the criteria and the process is only two months. But I know we cannot look into that until we've finished the adoption process. It would be too confusing and perhaps not doable anyway, going down both the fostering and adoption roads at once. I need to be clear too. I am well aware that the fostering option could be a knee-jerk reaction to adoption being our only option to add to our family. The threat of it not working out hangs over me like one very dark cloud.
If it wasn't enough to endure the self-esteem-bashing of SIF; the adoption process only adds fuel to the fire. Obviously all those who make it into the prospective adoptive parents pool are reliable, stable types. So we are up against other would-be parents with similar solid characteristics. We aren't/won't be anything special. The bottom-line is whether or not a birth family likes what they see when they see our profile. We can only be ourselves and there is no guarantee that in the two years that we are choosing to be in the pool that we will match the needs/likes of a birth family.
It seems some struggle with SIF for however long and get their happy ending. But I fear that I will be left behind - not only did I not be one of the blessed who conquered SIF in the end - I may not even be rewarded with Plan B working out for adding to our family. I know this may sound like one big pity-party but I just feel so let-down by God/the universe.
It upset me at dinner tonight when my husband said to my daughter that she could boss her children around when she was an adult and she replied that not all women have children - "I might not have any children." Oh my God. Should a five year old even know that?! I have tried so hard to not dump my feelings or to burden my daughter about all this SIF crap but she was asking so much about siblings at one point that the conversation about not all women being able to have children - or another child came up. She gets it. I just hope that however this turns out she will learn and see that her Mum did her best and somehow turned things around. I want her to learn at least that life isn't perfect - since she has been unfortunately exposed to this lesson - but that it is possible to move on from disappointing life-events. (even though I still have some work to do there!)
Anyway, it's back to the grindstone as of tomorrow - my holidays are over. Back into my routine and early nights and self-care. Back to living one day at a time and not worrying about the future. I can't afford to look too far ahead as it only does my head-in if I think about how things may pan out too much. It is hard to stay in the present when the adoption process stirs up thoughts about an imagery child that may never come. I'm looking forward to our next appointment on Thursday simply so I can tick it off and to continue to move through the rest of the adoption process as fast as we can. It means we're one step closer to finishing this chapter of our lives - however it all ends.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
A sinking feeling
The last week has been a busy one. With my Dad and my two half-siblings here (my half-sister who is eight and my half-brother who is five years old), I have been busy taking on the mothering role for them as well as my daughter. We all went away to Hanmer for three nights which was fun - to a little alpine-like village about four hours drive from Nelson. With the kids being between 5-8 years old we were able to do quite a bit: lots of outdoorsy stuff like going to the hot-pools/playing in the snow/hiring a bike for all of us to go on at once/mini-golf/ and to an animal park.
It is sometimes a challenge having two families under the same roof - two different parenting styles and routines. Our daughters routine was rocked a bit but since it was the school holidays; I wasn't so worried about it. I did my best to accomodate the three kids.
It was an interesting position for me to be in too - to almost be co-parenting my half-sibilings who are so much younger than me with my Dad. I fed and bathed all the kids every night. I did enjoy having a larger family to feed for a few nights. But it was certainly triple the work having so many kids under one roof!
I have had this sinking feeling over the last few days that adoption is probably not going to work out for us. It is not a negative feeling. It is simply a gut feeling - almost a knowingness - very similar to the feeling I had around TTC for our second child.
Of course I wish and hope that a birth family will pick us. But we've made a decision to be in the prospective adoptive parents pool for just two years and that isn't a long time in be in the pool. And I don't want to be in it much longer than that. I just have this feeling that our time to experience the baby years again is running out. I cannot completely explain it even. But I will be 42 next month and I really don't want to be 45 years old and caring for a newborn, despite my SIF wounds. So I will be 44 years old by the time our time is up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. It feels like the right time and age in so many ways to pull the plug on adoption if we don't get picked.
There was a time when I hoped our family would be complete by the time I was 40. While I am not completely hung up on age and adding to families; I just get a sense for us and how we are placed financially in life - two years time is the best time for us to stop with the adoption plans.
After caring for my half-siblings for a week I have suggested the idea of fostering to my husband. I think we would be good at it and could provide a safe and stable home environment. I said it him that if adoption doesn't work out for us, then perhaps we could look into it. It's a bit early for him to be thinking about it seriously I think. But I have planted the seed. At this point in time I would want to foster older children too - probably Kindy age or five year olds. Perhaps this is a Plan C emerging for us.
Anyway, we have our next appointment with our social worker on Thursday. We will be having a series of appointments in close succession I think over the next few weeks. Originally I thought we would be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October but it could be earlier at this rate.
I'm looking forward to getting back to normality after a week with extended family. I haven't been to the gym as much or had my early nights so know I need to get back into my self-care routine again. I feel okay at the moment. SIF is becoming part of my past. Going through the adoption process is helping let go of the dream I had for so long to have another biological child - even if we don't end up adopting.
I had to smile to myself when my half-sister was playing with my daughter and teaching her about adopting toys to the toys that didn't have mothers. It feels as though change is in the air in some form but it could be quite different to what we might have hoped for and planned. I cannot see a baby in our lives. As much as I wanted that; it really feels as though we missed the boat there. So perhaps adoption might lead us down the fostering path. Originally I didn't want to foster because having another child with us in the short-term might have been hard for all of us. But perhaps we are more adaptable than we think. After having my half-siblings with us for a week I think it could perhaps work. Sometimes long-term fostering can lead to adoption so who knows. For some reason I just see it been more likely that an older child will come into our family than a newborn.
I just have to trust God and His plan - whatever it is. In the meantime we have extended family to visit - there are lots of cousins and my half-siblings in New Zealand and Australia. I really don't know how this is all going to turn out. All I know is I cannot afford to expect adoption to work out for us - not the way it is done in this country. There aren't many kids to even adopt - that is the reality. It really is like playing the lottery - we may or may not have the lucky ticket - or lucky profile. Or we can do is put ourselves out there and give it a try.
It is sometimes a challenge having two families under the same roof - two different parenting styles and routines. Our daughters routine was rocked a bit but since it was the school holidays; I wasn't so worried about it. I did my best to accomodate the three kids.
It was an interesting position for me to be in too - to almost be co-parenting my half-sibilings who are so much younger than me with my Dad. I fed and bathed all the kids every night. I did enjoy having a larger family to feed for a few nights. But it was certainly triple the work having so many kids under one roof!
I have had this sinking feeling over the last few days that adoption is probably not going to work out for us. It is not a negative feeling. It is simply a gut feeling - almost a knowingness - very similar to the feeling I had around TTC for our second child.
Of course I wish and hope that a birth family will pick us. But we've made a decision to be in the prospective adoptive parents pool for just two years and that isn't a long time in be in the pool. And I don't want to be in it much longer than that. I just have this feeling that our time to experience the baby years again is running out. I cannot completely explain it even. But I will be 42 next month and I really don't want to be 45 years old and caring for a newborn, despite my SIF wounds. So I will be 44 years old by the time our time is up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. It feels like the right time and age in so many ways to pull the plug on adoption if we don't get picked.
There was a time when I hoped our family would be complete by the time I was 40. While I am not completely hung up on age and adding to families; I just get a sense for us and how we are placed financially in life - two years time is the best time for us to stop with the adoption plans.
After caring for my half-siblings for a week I have suggested the idea of fostering to my husband. I think we would be good at it and could provide a safe and stable home environment. I said it him that if adoption doesn't work out for us, then perhaps we could look into it. It's a bit early for him to be thinking about it seriously I think. But I have planted the seed. At this point in time I would want to foster older children too - probably Kindy age or five year olds. Perhaps this is a Plan C emerging for us.
Anyway, we have our next appointment with our social worker on Thursday. We will be having a series of appointments in close succession I think over the next few weeks. Originally I thought we would be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October but it could be earlier at this rate.
I'm looking forward to getting back to normality after a week with extended family. I haven't been to the gym as much or had my early nights so know I need to get back into my self-care routine again. I feel okay at the moment. SIF is becoming part of my past. Going through the adoption process is helping let go of the dream I had for so long to have another biological child - even if we don't end up adopting.
I had to smile to myself when my half-sister was playing with my daughter and teaching her about adopting toys to the toys that didn't have mothers. It feels as though change is in the air in some form but it could be quite different to what we might have hoped for and planned. I cannot see a baby in our lives. As much as I wanted that; it really feels as though we missed the boat there. So perhaps adoption might lead us down the fostering path. Originally I didn't want to foster because having another child with us in the short-term might have been hard for all of us. But perhaps we are more adaptable than we think. After having my half-siblings with us for a week I think it could perhaps work. Sometimes long-term fostering can lead to adoption so who knows. For some reason I just see it been more likely that an older child will come into our family than a newborn.
I just have to trust God and His plan - whatever it is. In the meantime we have extended family to visit - there are lots of cousins and my half-siblings in New Zealand and Australia. I really don't know how this is all going to turn out. All I know is I cannot afford to expect adoption to work out for us - not the way it is done in this country. There aren't many kids to even adopt - that is the reality. It really is like playing the lottery - we may or may not have the lucky ticket - or lucky profile. Or we can do is put ourselves out there and give it a try.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
First official session with our social worker
We had our first session out of a series of appointments with our assigned Social Worker this morning. It went well. All the hairy questions that I thought would come up did come up. My husband and I were both open and honest around those. It felt good to be back in the game as such with the adoption process. The ball has really started rolling again as our next appointment is in two weeks time. Apparently there is now a time-line that the whole adoption process needs to be finished in. So we were lucky that we got the eight month break we needed within the adoption process before the time-line was introduced.
There were eight of us at the Nelson Infertility Support group last night. That is the biggest turn-out we've had yet since I started the group in October last year. It is pretty amazing to hear all the varying stories with the same underlying heartbreak in one room.
I have been busy at work and have had some big work issues of late which has been a big distraction from SIF/adding to our family. But I am on holidays as of yesterday for 10 days and am looking forward to my Dad, half-sister (8 yrs) and half-brother (5 yrs) coming to stay with us for 9 nights - and we're going away together for 3 nights Monday next week. It will be fun to have three kids in the house.
I guess watching others going through IF within the IF support group I started shows me just how far I've come. There is some distance now between myself and SIF though the desire for another child to be added to our family is always with me.
We have briefed our daughter about the adoption process. It seems unfair that a five year old on one hand has to hear about infertility. Yet on the other hand, I think our children learn from us - whatever life throws at us. So she knows her Mum has started a group to help women who cannot have children which I think is cool. Occasionally she does get a little upset about the whole deal and declares "But I want a sister!!" I asked her the other day why she wanted a sister and she said "So I can have a brand-new friend." Talk about pulling at the heart strings!! As I packed up her old clothes that don't fit anymore I told her they were going into the garage. And she said "For the child that might come." So I think she has a basic grasp of adoption - of what can be expected from a five year old, anyway.
I catch glimpses of our neighbours across the road with their newborn at their front window and that is a hard sight to see. Especially because their eldest daughter is the same age is my daughter and their second child is about three years old. Several Mums with five year olds have three kids around here. That just seems so unfair. I think women with two children are lucky but to have a third child - well, I find it hard still to be around women with multiple kids.
I guess I am doing ok. Just continuing to apply as much self-care as possible and to live for the day. I have been going to bed earlier for a few months now and that has really helped my state of mind. I think it has taken a while to unwind in the aftermath of SIF. I certainly didn't feel so jaded within our appointment with the social worker today as I probably did when we first started the adoption process. I feel a lot more healed/in a better place than I was eight months ago when we last saw our social worker. I also think I have given myself time to get through this so if we are picked by a birth family, I will be reasonably refreshed and not completely worn-out after over three years of SIF. I want to be feeling as good as possible when we enter the prospective adoptive parents pool. I know SIF will be there in the background - but I just want to move on from it as much as possible as we go through the rest of the adoption process.
There were eight of us at the Nelson Infertility Support group last night. That is the biggest turn-out we've had yet since I started the group in October last year. It is pretty amazing to hear all the varying stories with the same underlying heartbreak in one room.
I have been busy at work and have had some big work issues of late which has been a big distraction from SIF/adding to our family. But I am on holidays as of yesterday for 10 days and am looking forward to my Dad, half-sister (8 yrs) and half-brother (5 yrs) coming to stay with us for 9 nights - and we're going away together for 3 nights Monday next week. It will be fun to have three kids in the house.
I guess watching others going through IF within the IF support group I started shows me just how far I've come. There is some distance now between myself and SIF though the desire for another child to be added to our family is always with me.
We have briefed our daughter about the adoption process. It seems unfair that a five year old on one hand has to hear about infertility. Yet on the other hand, I think our children learn from us - whatever life throws at us. So she knows her Mum has started a group to help women who cannot have children which I think is cool. Occasionally she does get a little upset about the whole deal and declares "But I want a sister!!" I asked her the other day why she wanted a sister and she said "So I can have a brand-new friend." Talk about pulling at the heart strings!! As I packed up her old clothes that don't fit anymore I told her they were going into the garage. And she said "For the child that might come." So I think she has a basic grasp of adoption - of what can be expected from a five year old, anyway.
I catch glimpses of our neighbours across the road with their newborn at their front window and that is a hard sight to see. Especially because their eldest daughter is the same age is my daughter and their second child is about three years old. Several Mums with five year olds have three kids around here. That just seems so unfair. I think women with two children are lucky but to have a third child - well, I find it hard still to be around women with multiple kids.
I guess I am doing ok. Just continuing to apply as much self-care as possible and to live for the day. I have been going to bed earlier for a few months now and that has really helped my state of mind. I think it has taken a while to unwind in the aftermath of SIF. I certainly didn't feel so jaded within our appointment with the social worker today as I probably did when we first started the adoption process. I feel a lot more healed/in a better place than I was eight months ago when we last saw our social worker. I also think I have given myself time to get through this so if we are picked by a birth family, I will be reasonably refreshed and not completely worn-out after over three years of SIF. I want to be feeling as good as possible when we enter the prospective adoptive parents pool. I know SIF will be there in the background - but I just want to move on from it as much as possible as we go through the rest of the adoption process.
Friday, July 2, 2010
On being wide-open
Handing one's will and life over to the care of God isn't always easy. I am finding handing over the outcome - on whether or not adoption will work out for us - to be a bit of a challenge.
While I don't feel as desperate as I did within SIF; I do feel fearful and quite apprehensive around going through the adoption process. Some days I think it will work for us; I really feel that. Other days I feel as though we - or least I - am kidding myself. I feel as though we are buying a lotto ticket to add to our family as with domestic adoption here in New Zealand, it is up to the birth families to make a choice. And that hangs over me - we might get chosen or we might not get chosen.
There are approximately 86 children available for adoption a year in New Zealand and there are around three hundred prospective adoptive parents in the pool at any given time. Our population is almost four million. If you work out the odds there is a 33% chance that we could get picked. However I know the prospective adoptive parents pool doesn't work like that - the social workers give the birth family several profiles to look at (no idea how many) and a selection is made from that. But still, it is tempting to look at the stats and to think we are taking a huge risk going through the adoption process.
My husband wants to delay next weeks appointment because of work-stuff. But I just want to get this whole adoption process over and done with. In September it will be FOUR years of hoping to add to our family. We stopped the adoption process for eight months (for very good reasons). But I want to and need to keep going with the process now. My husband, although he of course wants to add to our family, doesn't share the same burning desire to keep things moving. That sense of urgency isn't there. Maybe I am a little more desperate than I think...
Anyway, over the last few months I have been working hard on the self-care stuff. I know that if I don't get enough rest or downtime; my menopausal symptoms are more severe. I know over the last week or two I haven't had the rest I need so I will endeavour to get things back on track.
I'm still waiting for the IF specialist to come back to me with an official letter/diagnosis from back in April. I was told the beginning of June. Hmmmm. Guess I need to phone the clinic up to remind them once again...
I'm not good at limbo land - even after all this time. I cannot maintain the casual approach required with domestic adoption in this country - that it may work out or not. I cannot pretend that if it doesn't work out at this point in time that I will be okay with that outcome. Sure, I will have to deal with it if that is how things go. But I don't want to underplay what a big deal this is to me.
I have work stresses going on and that doesn't help things. But it is now the school holidays and my Dad and family are coming down and we will be heading away for a few days at the end of next week. I think I need a break. The emotions that come with hoping for another child are taxing. It seems it is part of the package deal - I can't want another child and go through hoops to have one without all this emotional stuff coming up it would seem. But I need to get centred again as I have a few more months of this to endure as we go through the adoption process and I need to be as strong as possible to get through it.
Later that day...
I spoke with my husband and we are sticking to next week's appointment. Phew! What a relief.
While I don't feel as desperate as I did within SIF; I do feel fearful and quite apprehensive around going through the adoption process. Some days I think it will work for us; I really feel that. Other days I feel as though we - or least I - am kidding myself. I feel as though we are buying a lotto ticket to add to our family as with domestic adoption here in New Zealand, it is up to the birth families to make a choice. And that hangs over me - we might get chosen or we might not get chosen.
There are approximately 86 children available for adoption a year in New Zealand and there are around three hundred prospective adoptive parents in the pool at any given time. Our population is almost four million. If you work out the odds there is a 33% chance that we could get picked. However I know the prospective adoptive parents pool doesn't work like that - the social workers give the birth family several profiles to look at (no idea how many) and a selection is made from that. But still, it is tempting to look at the stats and to think we are taking a huge risk going through the adoption process.
My husband wants to delay next weeks appointment because of work-stuff. But I just want to get this whole adoption process over and done with. In September it will be FOUR years of hoping to add to our family. We stopped the adoption process for eight months (for very good reasons). But I want to and need to keep going with the process now. My husband, although he of course wants to add to our family, doesn't share the same burning desire to keep things moving. That sense of urgency isn't there. Maybe I am a little more desperate than I think...
Anyway, over the last few months I have been working hard on the self-care stuff. I know that if I don't get enough rest or downtime; my menopausal symptoms are more severe. I know over the last week or two I haven't had the rest I need so I will endeavour to get things back on track.
I'm still waiting for the IF specialist to come back to me with an official letter/diagnosis from back in April. I was told the beginning of June. Hmmmm. Guess I need to phone the clinic up to remind them once again...
I'm not good at limbo land - even after all this time. I cannot maintain the casual approach required with domestic adoption in this country - that it may work out or not. I cannot pretend that if it doesn't work out at this point in time that I will be okay with that outcome. Sure, I will have to deal with it if that is how things go. But I don't want to underplay what a big deal this is to me.
I have work stresses going on and that doesn't help things. But it is now the school holidays and my Dad and family are coming down and we will be heading away for a few days at the end of next week. I think I need a break. The emotions that come with hoping for another child are taxing. It seems it is part of the package deal - I can't want another child and go through hoops to have one without all this emotional stuff coming up it would seem. But I need to get centred again as I have a few more months of this to endure as we go through the adoption process and I need to be as strong as possible to get through it.
Later that day...
I spoke with my husband and we are sticking to next week's appointment. Phew! What a relief.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Letting go of my first or perhaps only child
Being back in the throes of the adoption process again has caused me to feel quite vulnerable. I don't even know where I fit. I'm not in the midst of SIF really as to me SIF is about actively trying to TTC. I've been there, done that and it didn't happen for us. But we're still hoping to add to our family via adoption so are there under the umbrella of those trying to add to their families through an alternate method. Yet we have a child already when most going down this route, wouldn't have one.
So once again, I feel as if I am in a league of my own. Just like I did when we were going through SIF - I was somewhere between fertile women and infertile women then. Now I'm somewhere between SIF and adding to our family via an alternate method. I can't put myself in a box and I don't much like it!!
My daughter finishes her first term at school this week. Normally on a Thursday (today) I would take her to her swimming lesson. I would take her out of school and to her lesson and afterwards we would hang in the spa together. But her lessons are finished for the term and today she wanted to stay at school all day. Next term she may end up being at school fulltime - possibly she may come home on a Wednesday afternoon - or we may play it by ear and just bring her home when she seems to need a break from school. With her autism, she does get very tired and so that's why she has slowly being weaned into school fulltime.
But I won't force my daughter to not go to school one afternoon a week if she doesn't want to go home. I feel sad that we may lose our mother-daughter afternoons next term. She is sweet in that she says she misses me when she is at school, yet she doesn't want to miss out on anything. And that's a great thing for a child on the autistic spectrum to say as school can be an overwhelming place for those with ASD to be.
So this could be it for me on the parental front. If we don't get picked by a birth family, there will be no more hanging at home with an under-five. God I miss that. Yet, at the same time, I did cherish those times so absolutely have no regrets about those early years with my daughter.
Our appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services is a week today. I am looking forward to it but cannot help but wonder if we will be a step closer to adding to our family; or a step closer to having to accept we will be a family of three.
I saw the woman who I had a chat with about adoption who has adopted and fostered today and she invited me round for a coffee with a heap of other Mums. I declined because I was genuinely going to the gym and also because I am not yet up to being in a room with women with their completed families. I could not deal with bumps/babies/siblings right now. I have avoided being in situations where there are groups of Mums like this on masse for over two years! And I'm still not ready to go there. I can do school events after-hours of course with other Mums/parents. I don't mind that kind of thing. But an intimate setting with babies crying and breastfeeding perhaps going on - nope, I am so not there yet.
I look forward to two and a half years from now when our time in the prospective adoptive pool will be up. It is our choice to just stay in it for two years. I just personally don't want to wait any longer. Never say never though. Perhaps in two and a half years if nothing has happened, we might decide to wait another two years. But for my sanity and just for today I need to have a time-line. I need to know there is an out - and end to waiting to add to our family.
The comments continue to come in regards to the article in the paper about the IF support group I started. Most people are pretty tactful. Though the office gossip at work did shut the door and blurt "Are you having trouble getting pregnant?!" I just said I had one child and couldn't have another and left it at that. Fine, if she wants to blab about me then so be it.
I guess I am feeling wide-open today in so many ways: the backlash of outting myself as having gone through (S)IF, feeling vulnerable around starting up the adoption process again and saying goodbye to what may be my only child as she settles fulltime into school. I loved being an at-home Mum. Absolutely loved it. I know lots of Mum who complain and feel trapped by being at home with their tribes. They just don't know how lucky they are - or if they do - they seem to often take it for granted. What could be or is more amazing than nurturing another life in this world? I cannot think of anything that tops that. Perhaps that is why SIF was such a blow to my ego as creativity, career, time at the gym - those things can be fulfilling - but they aren't as fulfilling to me as the joy of raising a child. I just feel so incredibly blessed that I got to do it once. Sure, I am still obviously raising my five year old but it does all certainly change once they start school. Autism or not.
Thanks to all my readers out there in cyberspace. It has been a long journey hoping to add to our family and we still have a way to go. I appreciate the support and a place to vent all these feelings that crop up as I continue to pray for another shot at motherhood.
So once again, I feel as if I am in a league of my own. Just like I did when we were going through SIF - I was somewhere between fertile women and infertile women then. Now I'm somewhere between SIF and adding to our family via an alternate method. I can't put myself in a box and I don't much like it!!
My daughter finishes her first term at school this week. Normally on a Thursday (today) I would take her to her swimming lesson. I would take her out of school and to her lesson and afterwards we would hang in the spa together. But her lessons are finished for the term and today she wanted to stay at school all day. Next term she may end up being at school fulltime - possibly she may come home on a Wednesday afternoon - or we may play it by ear and just bring her home when she seems to need a break from school. With her autism, she does get very tired and so that's why she has slowly being weaned into school fulltime.
But I won't force my daughter to not go to school one afternoon a week if she doesn't want to go home. I feel sad that we may lose our mother-daughter afternoons next term. She is sweet in that she says she misses me when she is at school, yet she doesn't want to miss out on anything. And that's a great thing for a child on the autistic spectrum to say as school can be an overwhelming place for those with ASD to be.
So this could be it for me on the parental front. If we don't get picked by a birth family, there will be no more hanging at home with an under-five. God I miss that. Yet, at the same time, I did cherish those times so absolutely have no regrets about those early years with my daughter.
Our appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services is a week today. I am looking forward to it but cannot help but wonder if we will be a step closer to adding to our family; or a step closer to having to accept we will be a family of three.
I saw the woman who I had a chat with about adoption who has adopted and fostered today and she invited me round for a coffee with a heap of other Mums. I declined because I was genuinely going to the gym and also because I am not yet up to being in a room with women with their completed families. I could not deal with bumps/babies/siblings right now. I have avoided being in situations where there are groups of Mums like this on masse for over two years! And I'm still not ready to go there. I can do school events after-hours of course with other Mums/parents. I don't mind that kind of thing. But an intimate setting with babies crying and breastfeeding perhaps going on - nope, I am so not there yet.
I look forward to two and a half years from now when our time in the prospective adoptive pool will be up. It is our choice to just stay in it for two years. I just personally don't want to wait any longer. Never say never though. Perhaps in two and a half years if nothing has happened, we might decide to wait another two years. But for my sanity and just for today I need to have a time-line. I need to know there is an out - and end to waiting to add to our family.
The comments continue to come in regards to the article in the paper about the IF support group I started. Most people are pretty tactful. Though the office gossip at work did shut the door and blurt "Are you having trouble getting pregnant?!" I just said I had one child and couldn't have another and left it at that. Fine, if she wants to blab about me then so be it.
I guess I am feeling wide-open today in so many ways: the backlash of outting myself as having gone through (S)IF, feeling vulnerable around starting up the adoption process again and saying goodbye to what may be my only child as she settles fulltime into school. I loved being an at-home Mum. Absolutely loved it. I know lots of Mum who complain and feel trapped by being at home with their tribes. They just don't know how lucky they are - or if they do - they seem to often take it for granted. What could be or is more amazing than nurturing another life in this world? I cannot think of anything that tops that. Perhaps that is why SIF was such a blow to my ego as creativity, career, time at the gym - those things can be fulfilling - but they aren't as fulfilling to me as the joy of raising a child. I just feel so incredibly blessed that I got to do it once. Sure, I am still obviously raising my five year old but it does all certainly change once they start school. Autism or not.
Thanks to all my readers out there in cyberspace. It has been a long journey hoping to add to our family and we still have a way to go. I appreciate the support and a place to vent all these feelings that crop up as I continue to pray for another shot at motherhood.
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