Living in the in-between

I read a recovery book recently called Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses. The title of the book is spot-on with where I'm at in my "SIF recovery."

Things are shifting and I know that I am gaining some perspective back in my life. SIF is more in the past than in the present these days. I really do see it as something I went through. This is particularly apparent when I talk to other women who are in the earlier stages of their IF journey's. I can see my own growth and healing through others stories. It is a relief to be on the other side of it all. Perhaps I will never be one hundred percent healed - but I am at least starting to feel whole again.

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter last weekend surrounded by families of many. But instead of seeing the children I wanted; I just saw children. I was able to look at siblings and be intrigued by their similarities and differences rather than feeling full of envy that I didn't have a couple of kids myself. For so long other people's additions have been representations of the child I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. The desperation is fading. I have been asking for God's help to move on and I guess He is helping me to do that.

My daughter continues to ask about a sibling and is fascinated, I suppose, or at least likes to talk about why I can't have any more children. Those conversations do tug at my heart-strings but I think talking about/being open about it is the best thing we can do as a family. One day the topic will make more sense for all of us. When our two years is up in the prospective adoptive pool then we will be able to find complete peace as a family.

We have a bit more paperwork to fill out around the adoption process. Our next appointment is next Thursday which is concidentially my 42nd birthday, and possibly our last appointment. We were meant to go in today actually for an appointment but I altered it as I wanted to go to the theatre with my daughter's school to see Peter And The Wolf. We've only delayed the adoption process by a week which isn't much, in the grand scheme of things. It felt good to choose an outing with my daughter over the bid to add another child to our family. My daughter has invariably suffered because of SIF, even if just subtly. I guess in time I will make the appropriate amends to her - but for now just enjoying and relishing my Mum-of-one time speaks volumes for the two of us.

Our social worker wants us to answer a few questions by email as she wants to wind things up soon as our appointment times are shorter than she'd like them to be because of my husbands availability during the working week. The thing is, although on one hand I want to be done and dusted with this adoption process I do, on the other hand, want to take our time and not feel pushed into completing it. I have been processing a lot emotionally as we've gone through the process and have needed the time between appointments to digest things.

For me the adoption process - particularly these last few months where we have picked things up again after stopping the process for eight months - has come with a lot of healing. It hasn't always been easy as it has been about truly letting go of our original dream to have another biological child. But somehow, letting go of this dream while we continue to open up ourselves to the possibility of adopting a child has put a lot more distance between myself and SIF.

Now that I can look back at my life and acknowledge other painful losses that I survived; I can now see that I have also survived SIF. It was I think one of the biggest losses in my life to go through - mainly because of how invisible SIF is to the rest of the world and all the misconceptions that come with it. I think for me a lot of spiritual and emotional growth has come about because of SIF and this can be summarised by the following excerpt:
"We may fear that if we let go of our old hopes and dreams, we won't have anything to take their place. These fears are natural enough. When we let go of our old dreams, we may need to stand in a place of not knowing for a while. This in-between place may feel uncomfortable, yet it is often the place where we can begin to build new dreams. It is this place of not knowing that, for many of us, becomes an integral part of our spiritual growth." (P. 169, Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses)

I did write a bucket list over the last week which isn't actually that long. I lived a pretty full life before SIF so have done many things I wanted to do in life. Seeing the bucket list written down has helped me see that although SIF/the adoption process has interrupted a good (almost) four years of my life; it hasn't impacted on the rest of my dreams. I lost one very big dream - to have another child and SIF buried the rest of my dreams in the process. For a long time I was afraid to dream. But I am ready to start resurrecting some of these dreams again. I have decided to give myself until we are finished with the adoption process and then I will start up, in particular, some of my creative dreams again. I am ready to finish the adoption process soon and to just carry on with things - which is all we can do anyway.

A friend I haven't seen for a while who went through IF and has completed her family commented that I wouldn't want to be too old (adding to our family) when I shared that we were almost done with the adoption process. Believe me I didn't want to be hoping to add to our family in my early-40s but it is just the way it has turned out. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt from SIF is that life comes with the unexpected; some things can be planned for in life but some unforeseeable events happen which can change the course of our lives. Not only that: the unexpected can rock our inner worlds in ways we never thought imaginable. It has taken me a long, long time to reach this place I am in today in which faith and hope is emerging again. After years of grappling with pain, loss and grief, it is certainly reassuring to know that I have made progress during this in-between time in my life.