It seems like all I've done is complain the last few posts but that's just where I'm at. I'm sure I'll be out of this SIF goldfish bowl before long. But in the meantime I seem to surrounded by a sea of babies and bumps (once again).
It has been a challenging week. The start of Kindy again has triggered me a lot. That plus making contact with my gyno surgery yesterday. It's like the SIF wounds have been reopened. For a while there when it seemed I had virtually no chance of conceiving again because of no periods for so long, I was kind of relieved that that option was coming to a close. I just couldn't stand the not knowing, the waiting and what felt like false hope time after time.
But with the return of AF my medical files have been reopened and with that - all my SIF hopes and dreams, hurt and disappointment. I feel like I should be excited or at the very least pleased that I am back in the game again. But I'm not really.
I just feel more confused than ever as to what is going on with my body. I want to accept that my cycles are a bit off and on. But the Mrs Black and White in me cannot stand the neither here nor there space I am. Mrs Grey is there too on occasion - she's a little more accepting and takes this whole SIF journey one day at a time. She sees the bigger picture. It's like living with my own Jekyll and Hyde. I think a lot of my frustration comes from this internal conflict. When I accept Mrs Greys outlook, I am in a much better space.
Three new kids started today at Kindy and two of the kids used to go to the same Playgroup my daughter did. I overheard the two Mums from Playgroup talking. One is A MOT, the other a MOO and they were talking about the planning of a family. I think both of them are under thirty - definitely under thirty-five. The MOO said she was planning to have another child at such and such date. Just like that. Like it was going to happen when she clicked her fingers. Which it probably will.
That's okay, people are entitled to free speech in this country, I thought. And then the MOO said; I would never want an only child. Watch your step lady, I was thinking. Look around the room, you never know what unsuspecting Mum might be going through secondary infertility. But of course she didn't look around the room because SIF is an invisible condition. Most people simply think once you've had one, you can have another. So it seems snippets of these kinds of conversations will be part of the SIF package for as long as I am around growing families.
At Kindy I thought I have to get out of here... after the Playgroup Mums had their chat - especially when a MOTH-to-be appeared and they started a conversation with her about the sex of her third child. Then they talked about a new MOTH who brought her newborn into Kindy this week.
Then of course a MOT-to-be told someone who asked what sex she was having that she was having a boy and she was really happy about that. She also disagreed with me when I said it was getting cold, implying that because she was pregnant and it was Summer she was enjoying the cooler weather. I felt like she wanted me to go there around her pregnancy but I didn't take the bait. She's probably a couple of months away from having her baby and I have never acknowledged her pregnancy. What's wierd is she wears two of the pregnancy tops I threw out a couple of months ago. No doubt because we were both pregnant around the same time four plus years ago and that was what was around. Still, it is like a slap across the face seeing someone wearing the tops I had hoped I would wear myself. Seeing her growing bump in my old tops is just a bit much.
It was an overload of bumps and family planning talk for me today - just in case you hadn't picked that up!
The thing is, when I am in a good space, or an okay one, like I was this morning, I feel so deflated as soon as I enter my daughter's Kindy. It starts straight away for me when my daughter's friends little sister greets me with a hug. I love that she does that but it's bittersweet - I should have an eighteen month running around. She does represent the younger sibling my daughter should have had.
Anyway, I've been trying to focus on how I feel in all this - the victim, or half in control/half not in control (the healthy middle ground) or completely in control around my infertility. It's something my counsellor wants me to look at as well as recording my mood swings.
I know I am in victim mode quite a lot. But I do shift into recognising what I can and can't control around SIF - and that often makes me feel worse - the powerlessness of it all. I most certainly have never thought I was completely in control around my fertility. Well, maybe for a patch around the law of attraction philosophies etc. I am somewhere in the middle and that's about figuring how I can live with SIF with as much peace and acceptance as possible. It's about managing the pain and hurt and trying to live my life as fully as possible. Obviously I am still a WIP!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A little bit peeved
Hmmm. Contact with the medical world on this SIF journey always seems to ruffle my feathers.
This morning I phoned my gyno surgery to be told once again that I couldn't talk to my gyno directly. His inhuman, snappy receptionist pretty much told me that the letter he'd sent me at the end of last year clearly said the next step was to make an appointment with the recommended infertility specialist. I had got that - but I just thought a chat about that would have been nice. I am so over the communicating-via-letter relationship I've had with this gyno. May '08 he cut into my insides and removed a couple of cysts. Pretty intimate stuff.
Yet my gyno never had the bedside manner going for him, admitting a day or after my surgery in so many words that my surgery was unnecessary (sure it didn't cost me a bean but I'd rather have spent three nights somewhere else thanks). Quite frankly I am not a fan of the medical world. I know I shouldn't just write all medical professionals off but my contact with them over the last two years has been nothing short of frustrating, degrading and annoying. Initating contact again just makes me cringe!
Sigh. Even my counsellor and the whole system around mental health irks me. I am only having free counselling because I'm on anti-depressants. Which is good, I know. Once again, it hasn't cost me a cent. My counsellor read out a report about me yesterday - guided by specific questions that were compulsory for me to answer. Yet I feel pressured to get over SIF, otherwise I might be stuck in counselling sessions and on anti-depressants for God knows how long.
My counsellor says she's worked with a lot of clients around infertility issues but I know she has never experienced it. It is different to other losses in life. Most losses occur once you've had someone or something in your life that you care very much about it and it is taken away from you, for whatever reason. Except for miscarriage losses, a lot of infertiles are grieving something that never was - that might never be.
I get the feeling even counsellors think one should be a lot more sorted than they are because of this. I could be wrong. I suppose my thing is feelings are not bad. I know professionally my counsellor is trying to coax me out of a depression. Yet getting the vibe that I should be over it asap, doesn't make me feel that understood. I do like my counsellor in lots of ways and will stick with her. I just don't feel like I have one hundred percent compassion. Our sessions seem to be more about getting out of the victim mode of living with SIF and accepting the powerlessness of the situation. It's not really an outlet for me to cry, rant or to share my pain.
In my counselling report notes it says that I have withdrawn with SIF. I have. But I have tried to reach out - and as any SI will tell you - it's not easy finding someone in real life that will be able to empathise. I have only ever met one SI in two years and she never wanted to talk about things beyond a certain level. I have never really opened up and can't see I ever will with MOTs, despite demonstrations of compassion here and there. It's two painful. Just contacting any MOT friend is a painful reminder that she has what I don't. I can only contact them when I'm in a good space. This often means gaps in my contact with them.
My infertile friends don't want to hear too much. They don't need to say anything but I get the feeling that small increments of my SIF pain is enough ('cos you know, I do have the one child already). Childless friends by choice cannot relate - and don't want to. Afterall, they don't want kids for a reason. Other women who can't have children for reasons other than infertility find it hard to hear about my grief as it triggers them in their grief. My husband cannot understand how deep the SIF pain is for me so there is only so much I can share.
Whatever way I look at it, there isn't anyone in my life I can share with regularly, in an ongoing fashion. And I am someone who needs to connect, to share my emotions, to feel heard. I can see why this lack of a continous emotional exchange partly led to a depression. Dailystrength has been amazing - yet even contact there is often intermittent. Members (including myself) often need time-outs.
On top of this lack of continuous emotional connection over the last two years, I have a tendency to trivalise my own pain. So when someone doesn't "get it" - that SIF has been a huge deal in my life - I shut down emotionally with that person. It takes a lot of guts for anyone to share their vulnerable side. And I feel rejection just like anyone else.
So, I will endeavour to reach out more though I am not sure I can do much more than I am doing. I do believe I have lost some strong emotional connections with some friends because of SIF and that has been very hard. All I really want is people to phone me up if possible and say How's things? Do you want to talk about SIF? That would mean a lot to me. It would show they were thinking of me and that I had the option to talk if I wanted to. Texting and emails are terrible - because sometimes SIF is brought up when I don't want to talk about it and all sorts of miscommunications can happen. I'm all for direct communication. Now I ought to practise what I preach. I ought to phone the people I care about who I know are in pain themselves. If that's one thing that has come out this it's my ability to empathise with people who are struggling with huge losses in their lives.
This morning I phoned my gyno surgery to be told once again that I couldn't talk to my gyno directly. His inhuman, snappy receptionist pretty much told me that the letter he'd sent me at the end of last year clearly said the next step was to make an appointment with the recommended infertility specialist. I had got that - but I just thought a chat about that would have been nice. I am so over the communicating-via-letter relationship I've had with this gyno. May '08 he cut into my insides and removed a couple of cysts. Pretty intimate stuff.
Yet my gyno never had the bedside manner going for him, admitting a day or after my surgery in so many words that my surgery was unnecessary (sure it didn't cost me a bean but I'd rather have spent three nights somewhere else thanks). Quite frankly I am not a fan of the medical world. I know I shouldn't just write all medical professionals off but my contact with them over the last two years has been nothing short of frustrating, degrading and annoying. Initating contact again just makes me cringe!
Sigh. Even my counsellor and the whole system around mental health irks me. I am only having free counselling because I'm on anti-depressants. Which is good, I know. Once again, it hasn't cost me a cent. My counsellor read out a report about me yesterday - guided by specific questions that were compulsory for me to answer. Yet I feel pressured to get over SIF, otherwise I might be stuck in counselling sessions and on anti-depressants for God knows how long.
My counsellor says she's worked with a lot of clients around infertility issues but I know she has never experienced it. It is different to other losses in life. Most losses occur once you've had someone or something in your life that you care very much about it and it is taken away from you, for whatever reason. Except for miscarriage losses, a lot of infertiles are grieving something that never was - that might never be.
I get the feeling even counsellors think one should be a lot more sorted than they are because of this. I could be wrong. I suppose my thing is feelings are not bad. I know professionally my counsellor is trying to coax me out of a depression. Yet getting the vibe that I should be over it asap, doesn't make me feel that understood. I do like my counsellor in lots of ways and will stick with her. I just don't feel like I have one hundred percent compassion. Our sessions seem to be more about getting out of the victim mode of living with SIF and accepting the powerlessness of the situation. It's not really an outlet for me to cry, rant or to share my pain.
In my counselling report notes it says that I have withdrawn with SIF. I have. But I have tried to reach out - and as any SI will tell you - it's not easy finding someone in real life that will be able to empathise. I have only ever met one SI in two years and she never wanted to talk about things beyond a certain level. I have never really opened up and can't see I ever will with MOTs, despite demonstrations of compassion here and there. It's two painful. Just contacting any MOT friend is a painful reminder that she has what I don't. I can only contact them when I'm in a good space. This often means gaps in my contact with them.
My infertile friends don't want to hear too much. They don't need to say anything but I get the feeling that small increments of my SIF pain is enough ('cos you know, I do have the one child already). Childless friends by choice cannot relate - and don't want to. Afterall, they don't want kids for a reason. Other women who can't have children for reasons other than infertility find it hard to hear about my grief as it triggers them in their grief. My husband cannot understand how deep the SIF pain is for me so there is only so much I can share.
Whatever way I look at it, there isn't anyone in my life I can share with regularly, in an ongoing fashion. And I am someone who needs to connect, to share my emotions, to feel heard. I can see why this lack of a continous emotional exchange partly led to a depression. Dailystrength has been amazing - yet even contact there is often intermittent. Members (including myself) often need time-outs.
On top of this lack of continuous emotional connection over the last two years, I have a tendency to trivalise my own pain. So when someone doesn't "get it" - that SIF has been a huge deal in my life - I shut down emotionally with that person. It takes a lot of guts for anyone to share their vulnerable side. And I feel rejection just like anyone else.
So, I will endeavour to reach out more though I am not sure I can do much more than I am doing. I do believe I have lost some strong emotional connections with some friends because of SIF and that has been very hard. All I really want is people to phone me up if possible and say How's things? Do you want to talk about SIF? That would mean a lot to me. It would show they were thinking of me and that I had the option to talk if I wanted to. Texting and emails are terrible - because sometimes SIF is brought up when I don't want to talk about it and all sorts of miscommunications can happen. I'm all for direct communication. Now I ought to practise what I preach. I ought to phone the people I care about who I know are in pain themselves. If that's one thing that has come out this it's my ability to empathise with people who are struggling with huge losses in their lives.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Working on accepting my lot
I feel like I'm in a better space of acceptance with where things are at today. Sometimes I guess I really fight my reality and it doesn't make me feel any better. I had a counselling session today. It was good.
I can see that I do have things in perspective SIF-wise - despite old feelings and triggers still occuring. I shared with my counsellor that my husband and I have agreed that forty two (forty for him) is our cut-off time (approx) for adding to our family. So that's around another two years. Assuming we of course get accepted as perspective adoptive parents. I think for me the older my daughter gets, the easier (?) it might be to accept she's an "only child." So she'll be around six years old when our family is deemed complete, whether or not another child joins our family.
It does feel better to have some kind of a deadline with all this. In two years time it would be around four years of trying to add to our family. I think that's enough time. My age has definitely affected my decision. If I was thirty-five I may have waited a little longer on the adoption front.
I tried to phone my gyno today to set up the appointment with Dr Xxxx - the fertility specialist who comes to Nelson every six to eight weeks. His surgery was closed but open again tomorrow. I will go for the appointment but have no expectations around it. Apparently there is a newish test that may be able to measure my ovarian reserve.
My herbalist is away on The Great Barrier Reef doing work with giant turtles so out of touch for a while. I've run out of all my herbal supplies so am sitting tight til she gets back in touch. (early Feb she said).
No-one knows what is going on with my body. There are so many theories and too many cooks in the kitchen, if you ask me! My herbalist thinks it's a hormonal imbalance or a resistant ovary, my gyno has no clue! (hence the referral to my specialist), my counsellor thinks it's stress-related, and my GP thinks maybe it's peri-menopause. So I have no idea what to think myself.
But I have been working on accepting this no-mans that I am in. That at one point, with no periods for so long, it looked as though menopause was on the way. Yet my two recent cycles after six months of AF, have put a spanner in the works medically. It is questionable as to whether I have any viable eggs.
I saw a documentary last night about a woman who had cervical cancer and had a hysterectomy without her ovaries being removed. At one point she went into menopause. She was looking into donor eggs and surrogacy and after many operations, treatments, trips overseas and many bills - they found some of her eggs were viable and so she ended up with a happy ending - the surrogate Mum fell pregnant with her egg and her husbands sperm. The story cut-off there but I assume all went well and the baby actually arrived and all. Anyway, she went through all this for around six years. They didn't really focus on her pain in the doco - just her strength. But it was very inspiring.
Sometimes our lot is our lot. No matter what I do - I cannot change the fact I am infertile. As times goes on, my acceptance of my situation deepens. I have to keep giving it back to God.
I figure the God of my understanding would tell me when it was time to give-up. And perhaps my two-year time-line came from God.
All I know is SIF robbed me of a good couple of years and I don't want 2009 to be the same. My husband and I are going to have regular dinner dates as we've appointed a neighbour to look after our daughter for respite care (because of her ASD). I am able to look at the bigger picture around buying a house. I do share that dream with my husband so am taking a look at my own personal spending habits and how I can improve them, as well as creating savings goals for ourselves.
I got an email from a friend today acknowledging my congrats email for her newborn. He is now five weeks old and she asked if I remembered the early days of parenthood with all the wonder and everything else that comes with it. Well I do. Very much so. Some people say they forget the early days but I have somehow managed to be very present and have savoured parenthood all the way through. I enjoyed the challenges - the highs and the lows - the whole journey. I have not forgotten about waking up with a full boob just a few minutes before my baby cried out for a feed. Or how I'd sit in peaceful bliss in the middle of the night as she fed, relishing "our time" when it felt like it was just me, her and God who were awake. I remember being so content with days on end at home broken up by the walks on the beach to keep the cobwebs out. I remember all of it.
Still, it is easy to look at my preschooler, just a couple of months off four and think she came out like that. I have always been so grateful to be her Mum - right from the start. Maybe on some level I knew there would be problems TTC the second time - especially when the obstertican who delivered her warned there might be. So she has always been my miracle child.Being a mother of a four year old is just as important and amazing as it was when she was a newborn, a baby, and a toddler. I don't feel like I've missed out on any stages of my daughter's development as I have been there all the way through.
I bumped into my neighbour yesterday who is ten weeks pregnant. She has been very ill with morning sickness - pretty much house-bound the last few weeks. I feel terrible that I didn't go and see her earlier but like I said in my post before this one - I haven't been in the space to see her (and I have been away too). But I felt better facing her yesterday and told her to pop round if she needs a change of scene. I want to be excited for her. But when she complained about the heat and the nausea, I could not help but think I would do anything to be in your shoes. She mentioned our adoption plans in an excited voice and I said we would start the process but it wasn't a sure thing.
I guess I want people to understand that just because we're considering adoption, it doesn't mean it'll be right for us - or it'll happen. And it does not take away the SIF pain. So telling people I'm adopting doesn't mean I've moved on completely from what probably won't be (a second biologcal child) - it means I'm keeping an open mind and trying to move forward. This chapter of my life isn't quite finished. Who knows how it's all going to turn out.
I can see that I do have things in perspective SIF-wise - despite old feelings and triggers still occuring. I shared with my counsellor that my husband and I have agreed that forty two (forty for him) is our cut-off time (approx) for adding to our family. So that's around another two years. Assuming we of course get accepted as perspective adoptive parents. I think for me the older my daughter gets, the easier (?) it might be to accept she's an "only child." So she'll be around six years old when our family is deemed complete, whether or not another child joins our family.
It does feel better to have some kind of a deadline with all this. In two years time it would be around four years of trying to add to our family. I think that's enough time. My age has definitely affected my decision. If I was thirty-five I may have waited a little longer on the adoption front.
I tried to phone my gyno today to set up the appointment with Dr Xxxx - the fertility specialist who comes to Nelson every six to eight weeks. His surgery was closed but open again tomorrow. I will go for the appointment but have no expectations around it. Apparently there is a newish test that may be able to measure my ovarian reserve.
My herbalist is away on The Great Barrier Reef doing work with giant turtles so out of touch for a while. I've run out of all my herbal supplies so am sitting tight til she gets back in touch. (early Feb she said).
No-one knows what is going on with my body. There are so many theories and too many cooks in the kitchen, if you ask me! My herbalist thinks it's a hormonal imbalance or a resistant ovary, my gyno has no clue! (hence the referral to my specialist), my counsellor thinks it's stress-related, and my GP thinks maybe it's peri-menopause. So I have no idea what to think myself.
But I have been working on accepting this no-mans that I am in. That at one point, with no periods for so long, it looked as though menopause was on the way. Yet my two recent cycles after six months of AF, have put a spanner in the works medically. It is questionable as to whether I have any viable eggs.
I saw a documentary last night about a woman who had cervical cancer and had a hysterectomy without her ovaries being removed. At one point she went into menopause. She was looking into donor eggs and surrogacy and after many operations, treatments, trips overseas and many bills - they found some of her eggs were viable and so she ended up with a happy ending - the surrogate Mum fell pregnant with her egg and her husbands sperm. The story cut-off there but I assume all went well and the baby actually arrived and all. Anyway, she went through all this for around six years. They didn't really focus on her pain in the doco - just her strength. But it was very inspiring.
Sometimes our lot is our lot. No matter what I do - I cannot change the fact I am infertile. As times goes on, my acceptance of my situation deepens. I have to keep giving it back to God.
I figure the God of my understanding would tell me when it was time to give-up. And perhaps my two-year time-line came from God.
All I know is SIF robbed me of a good couple of years and I don't want 2009 to be the same. My husband and I are going to have regular dinner dates as we've appointed a neighbour to look after our daughter for respite care (because of her ASD). I am able to look at the bigger picture around buying a house. I do share that dream with my husband so am taking a look at my own personal spending habits and how I can improve them, as well as creating savings goals for ourselves.
I got an email from a friend today acknowledging my congrats email for her newborn. He is now five weeks old and she asked if I remembered the early days of parenthood with all the wonder and everything else that comes with it. Well I do. Very much so. Some people say they forget the early days but I have somehow managed to be very present and have savoured parenthood all the way through. I enjoyed the challenges - the highs and the lows - the whole journey. I have not forgotten about waking up with a full boob just a few minutes before my baby cried out for a feed. Or how I'd sit in peaceful bliss in the middle of the night as she fed, relishing "our time" when it felt like it was just me, her and God who were awake. I remember being so content with days on end at home broken up by the walks on the beach to keep the cobwebs out. I remember all of it.
Still, it is easy to look at my preschooler, just a couple of months off four and think she came out like that. I have always been so grateful to be her Mum - right from the start. Maybe on some level I knew there would be problems TTC the second time - especially when the obstertican who delivered her warned there might be. So she has always been my miracle child.Being a mother of a four year old is just as important and amazing as it was when she was a newborn, a baby, and a toddler. I don't feel like I've missed out on any stages of my daughter's development as I have been there all the way through.
I bumped into my neighbour yesterday who is ten weeks pregnant. She has been very ill with morning sickness - pretty much house-bound the last few weeks. I feel terrible that I didn't go and see her earlier but like I said in my post before this one - I haven't been in the space to see her (and I have been away too). But I felt better facing her yesterday and told her to pop round if she needs a change of scene. I want to be excited for her. But when she complained about the heat and the nausea, I could not help but think I would do anything to be in your shoes. She mentioned our adoption plans in an excited voice and I said we would start the process but it wasn't a sure thing.
I guess I want people to understand that just because we're considering adoption, it doesn't mean it'll be right for us - or it'll happen. And it does not take away the SIF pain. So telling people I'm adopting doesn't mean I've moved on completely from what probably won't be (a second biologcal child) - it means I'm keeping an open mind and trying to move forward. This chapter of my life isn't quite finished. Who knows how it's all going to turn out.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Shutting people out
I dropped my daughter off at Kindy a little while ago. It's her first day back after six or so weeks worth of Summer holidays. She seemed to be pleased to be there. Sure enough a Mum was carrying a newborn - baby number three for her. I just avoided her. I'm just not in the mood for the whole baby ga-ga thing.
I don't want to be all bitter and twisted. But I seem to be in one of those phases right now. I am quite aware of how much I shut people out when I feel like this. It isn't nice but I guess I don't know how to maintain friendships with MOT friends when I'm feeling so blah.
My daughter made a card for a MOTs eighteen month old today. That's how old our baby would have been had he/she made it (from the chemical pregnancy of Dec '07). In many ways I feel as though I have been parenting a ghost. I find it a little easier to be around MOTs whose children are older than my daughter. But second children who are under two pull at my heart-strings every time. It seems my thoughts of what might have been crop up whenever I see a child who is a couple of years younger than my daughter. Groan.
A friend of mine has shut me out recently around a personal crisis she is going through. It hurts to be on the outside - all I want to do is help. So I have had a taste of what it feels like to care for someone but to feel emotionally estranged because they are unable to let you in - for whatever reasons.
Anyway, I've started doing some more recovery work so hopefully that'll help shift things. I really don't enjoy feeling like I'm going to tear up when I see a bump as I did this morning at the supermarket. It still gets me - why is it just so damn easy to fall pregnant for some women? Guess I'm pissed at my body - once again - for letting me down. I'm also annoyed that I still have the baby number two desire. Sometimes I wish it would just go away and I could accept our family as is. I frustrate myself!
I don't want to be all bitter and twisted. But I seem to be in one of those phases right now. I am quite aware of how much I shut people out when I feel like this. It isn't nice but I guess I don't know how to maintain friendships with MOT friends when I'm feeling so blah.
My daughter made a card for a MOTs eighteen month old today. That's how old our baby would have been had he/she made it (from the chemical pregnancy of Dec '07). In many ways I feel as though I have been parenting a ghost. I find it a little easier to be around MOTs whose children are older than my daughter. But second children who are under two pull at my heart-strings every time. It seems my thoughts of what might have been crop up whenever I see a child who is a couple of years younger than my daughter. Groan.
A friend of mine has shut me out recently around a personal crisis she is going through. It hurts to be on the outside - all I want to do is help. So I have had a taste of what it feels like to care for someone but to feel emotionally estranged because they are unable to let you in - for whatever reasons.
Anyway, I've started doing some more recovery work so hopefully that'll help shift things. I really don't enjoy feeling like I'm going to tear up when I see a bump as I did this morning at the supermarket. It still gets me - why is it just so damn easy to fall pregnant for some women? Guess I'm pissed at my body - once again - for letting me down. I'm also annoyed that I still have the baby number two desire. Sometimes I wish it would just go away and I could accept our family as is. I frustrate myself!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Reminders everywhere
I'm still on a bit of a downer around SIF. It is one of those times in which it feels like most women are able to fall pregnant oh so easily and I'm finding reminders of this hard to bear at the moment. One neighbour is a few weeks pregnant - by accident. She's very young and very sweet. But I haven't yet being able to go nextdoor and do the congrats thing with her just yet. Another neighbour has had her second baby recently - I'm pretty sure. I saw someone going into her house this morning with a bottle of milk and some other goodies and another neighbour hovering around - tell-tale signs. I just had this feeling in my gut that her baby has probably arrived. Someone else I should probably acknowledge but I don't quite feel like it...
This afternoon I had a meeting with some friends around our stall next month. One is two months away from having her second baby and I found it hard to be sincere when asking how she was doing. It's not her fault of course. I was in a sucky mood before we even caught up.
I guess I've got to face my post-holiday reality and face the world of MOTs, bumps and siblings all over again. I really don't like feeling so resentful towards the fertiles out there. I know there's still so much of my stuff to be "worked through." I have another counselling session on Tuesday - number four session I think. I've been on anti-depressants for four months and it seems it won't be recommended I get off them til I'm deemed okay to be with living with SIF. Sigh.
We had a family outing into town today. Firstly we went to the library and got some new books out for our daughter. While rummaging for books I came across several books about big brothers, little sisters and new babies. Talk about today being a day for everything feeling like it's right in my face. But then I came across a book called You're Not My Real Mother. It was a book about adoption. I read it and showed it to my husband. It was basically a book explaining the role of a Mum in a fun, light-hearted way. It was perhaps what I needed to read today. I needed to feel that God has a plan for me as I've felt a little off-track around that lately.
I do have some grief surfacing around being pregnant again. I know stuff is going to come up as we go through the adoption process and maybe it's already up there since we're probably now just a couple of months away from the next step, which is an information session with parents who have adopted. I have decided I will contact my gyno and organise an appointment with the infertility specialist he recommended. I just have this enormous fear that getting involved with the medical world again will bring up all that angst again. But I'm trying to approach adding to our family in a more detached manner, being year three of all this. Sounds like I'm not doing that right now, huh. But I'll get there.
This afternoon I had a meeting with some friends around our stall next month. One is two months away from having her second baby and I found it hard to be sincere when asking how she was doing. It's not her fault of course. I was in a sucky mood before we even caught up.
I guess I've got to face my post-holiday reality and face the world of MOTs, bumps and siblings all over again. I really don't like feeling so resentful towards the fertiles out there. I know there's still so much of my stuff to be "worked through." I have another counselling session on Tuesday - number four session I think. I've been on anti-depressants for four months and it seems it won't be recommended I get off them til I'm deemed okay to be with living with SIF. Sigh.
We had a family outing into town today. Firstly we went to the library and got some new books out for our daughter. While rummaging for books I came across several books about big brothers, little sisters and new babies. Talk about today being a day for everything feeling like it's right in my face. But then I came across a book called You're Not My Real Mother. It was a book about adoption. I read it and showed it to my husband. It was basically a book explaining the role of a Mum in a fun, light-hearted way. It was perhaps what I needed to read today. I needed to feel that God has a plan for me as I've felt a little off-track around that lately.
I do have some grief surfacing around being pregnant again. I know stuff is going to come up as we go through the adoption process and maybe it's already up there since we're probably now just a couple of months away from the next step, which is an information session with parents who have adopted. I have decided I will contact my gyno and organise an appointment with the infertility specialist he recommended. I just have this enormous fear that getting involved with the medical world again will bring up all that angst again. But I'm trying to approach adding to our family in a more detached manner, being year three of all this. Sounds like I'm not doing that right now, huh. But I'll get there.
Friday, January 23, 2009
In a SIF slump
I don't know why I feel a bit shite today. I think it's a bit of an emotional backlash after being on holiday. Maybe a part of me is anticipating being back in the Mum circles as of Monday as my daughter starts Kindy then. I have managed to pretty much have a MOT-free holiday for a month. I saw just three MOTs - a family member and two friends but all in all it was a very pleasant break from The Completed Families (TCF) out there.
I feel angry at God all over again. It's good I have choices/options ahead of me re: further appointments medically and pursuing the adoption path. But today I wish I didn't have to go down either path. I am mainly pissed at my body for not doing what it should have!
I clarified with my husband today around forty-two as a cut-off age for me having/adopting another child. He'll be forty at that point. It feels like a good time to let go of our baby dreams. Today we talked a little about our concerns and worries around an open adoption - having a third family in our lives. It's really good there are several processes to go through with adoption as who knows, it might not be for us. There is some uncertainty there.
We also talked about perhaps getting more involved with the other children in our lives - should we have just the "one" child. Our daughter has eight cousins (seven in NZ and one in Oz) and then there's my Dad's second family which consists of my half-sister who is six and my half-brother who is four. There are plenty of children to love, that's for sure.
I'm in a mood where I want everything to be ticked off and nice and neat. I'm not very good with this no-mans land. I really don't like it. Yet I am not ready to close the door yet on baby number two. I am still hanging in there, much to my own annoyance.
It's been good this week getting back into my gym routine. I just want life to feel as normal as possible. Today I feel fragile, vulnerable and affected by SIF and I don't want to be. But having a a rant about it certainly helps - thanks. :)
I feel angry at God all over again. It's good I have choices/options ahead of me re: further appointments medically and pursuing the adoption path. But today I wish I didn't have to go down either path. I am mainly pissed at my body for not doing what it should have!
I clarified with my husband today around forty-two as a cut-off age for me having/adopting another child. He'll be forty at that point. It feels like a good time to let go of our baby dreams. Today we talked a little about our concerns and worries around an open adoption - having a third family in our lives. It's really good there are several processes to go through with adoption as who knows, it might not be for us. There is some uncertainty there.
We also talked about perhaps getting more involved with the other children in our lives - should we have just the "one" child. Our daughter has eight cousins (seven in NZ and one in Oz) and then there's my Dad's second family which consists of my half-sister who is six and my half-brother who is four. There are plenty of children to love, that's for sure.
I'm in a mood where I want everything to be ticked off and nice and neat. I'm not very good with this no-mans land. I really don't like it. Yet I am not ready to close the door yet on baby number two. I am still hanging in there, much to my own annoyance.
It's been good this week getting back into my gym routine. I just want life to feel as normal as possible. Today I feel fragile, vulnerable and affected by SIF and I don't want to be. But having a a rant about it certainly helps - thanks. :)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A personal age-limit for baby no. 2
The last few days I have been reflecting about my SIF journal. The first year of TTC (2007) was a roller-coaster ride with a few lashings of hope. I explored my infertility with acupuncuture, and herbs; hoping that the combination of both would somehow "fix" my infertility. Enter my second year of TTC (2008) in which I turned to the medical world. An operation, zillions of blood tests, and several rounds of fertility drugs did nothing. The waiting and the hopelessness led me into a depression which I've only recently climbed out of. I'm now in my third year of attempting to add to our wee family. Whether it's possible for me to TTC anymore - I really don't know. But there is the promise of adoption which gives me a lot of hope.
Yet, despite being on the brink of the adoption process, I really am running out of time and energy for this quest for baby number two. So I have been thinking lately that for me my personal cut-off age is 42. I'm almost forty and a half (next month) so that's eighteen - twenty something months left. I wanted to have finalised my family by the age of forty at the latest. Preferrably in my late thirties. Although I'm a young-looking forty (so I keep getting told), I am forty and over half-way through my life. Parenting is important and a role I cherish yet I do want to travel again when the kids are older and I'm an empty nester. I have a lot of creativity yet to be unleashed. And other family dreams and goals to be met. So I am not going to sit around for two plus years waiting for this dream child. In the meantime I will carry on as the MOO I am.
I guess I'm in place where it is still painful to not have had that biological child yet I'm so done with that particular grief taking over my life. We all have our crummy times - some much worse than others. And SIF was my crummy time. Things can only get better from here.
Yet, despite being on the brink of the adoption process, I really am running out of time and energy for this quest for baby number two. So I have been thinking lately that for me my personal cut-off age is 42. I'm almost forty and a half (next month) so that's eighteen - twenty something months left. I wanted to have finalised my family by the age of forty at the latest. Preferrably in my late thirties. Although I'm a young-looking forty (so I keep getting told), I am forty and over half-way through my life. Parenting is important and a role I cherish yet I do want to travel again when the kids are older and I'm an empty nester. I have a lot of creativity yet to be unleashed. And other family dreams and goals to be met. So I am not going to sit around for two plus years waiting for this dream child. In the meantime I will carry on as the MOO I am.
I guess I'm in place where it is still painful to not have had that biological child yet I'm so done with that particular grief taking over my life. We all have our crummy times - some much worse than others. And SIF was my crummy time. Things can only get better from here.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Happy to be home!
My daughter and I returned to Nelson this afternoon after a week in Auckland catching up with my Dad and his (second) family. It was good, but full-on. My sister and niece were there for a while too so for a few days we had four children under quite a small roof - two six year olds, a four year old and my daughter (who is two months off four today).
The four of them were quite the handful altogether. The two six year olds had several girlie tiffs that often resulted in tears and then my daughter and the four year old fought a lot too. Add my daughters ASD and some behavioural issues with two of the other kids to the mix and let's just say I spent a lot of time mediating and separating children.
Still, it was a fun week away. We went on a few group outings to the zoo, the pool, a historical village and went out for dinner, to cafes, and to the local playground.
It was another great SIF escape. I have realised how much I have moved on from the whole SIF deal as I felt like I was in a good space while away. I have been living One Day At A Time and just cherishing those around me. I logged on to Dailystrength today and although it was good to catch up with a few journals there; I do feel that perhaps it's not so good for me to log on frequently. When I don't log on my thoughts are on the present and the life I've been attempting to resurrect since I removed myself from the SIF game. I've felt a lot better since moving on yet I feel dragged back into my own SIF issues whenever I log on to Dailystrength.
I'm not sure what my point is - just that I am actually happy with my life as it is today. I don't want to focus on what isn't anymore. 2009 will be an interesting year around our adoption plans. And with AF returning (I've just had my second cycle since a six month drought) who knows what's in store on the TTC front. I'm not going to make TTC my focus no matter what's ahead. By that I mean TTC will no longer be my priority. I have to kind of think if it happens it happens (naturally) at this point. Same with adoption: if it's meant to be; it will.
After being on holiday for a month I just want to get back into my routine of the gym, painting, the school term (as of next week) and just being. I/we (as in our wee family) lead a pretty simple life all in all. It was a hectic week up North and I'm just glad to be back home. 2009 feels like a year to be enjoyed - the opposite to 2008 which in many ways was a year to be endured.
The four of them were quite the handful altogether. The two six year olds had several girlie tiffs that often resulted in tears and then my daughter and the four year old fought a lot too. Add my daughters ASD and some behavioural issues with two of the other kids to the mix and let's just say I spent a lot of time mediating and separating children.
Still, it was a fun week away. We went on a few group outings to the zoo, the pool, a historical village and went out for dinner, to cafes, and to the local playground.
It was another great SIF escape. I have realised how much I have moved on from the whole SIF deal as I felt like I was in a good space while away. I have been living One Day At A Time and just cherishing those around me. I logged on to Dailystrength today and although it was good to catch up with a few journals there; I do feel that perhaps it's not so good for me to log on frequently. When I don't log on my thoughts are on the present and the life I've been attempting to resurrect since I removed myself from the SIF game. I've felt a lot better since moving on yet I feel dragged back into my own SIF issues whenever I log on to Dailystrength.
I'm not sure what my point is - just that I am actually happy with my life as it is today. I don't want to focus on what isn't anymore. 2009 will be an interesting year around our adoption plans. And with AF returning (I've just had my second cycle since a six month drought) who knows what's in store on the TTC front. I'm not going to make TTC my focus no matter what's ahead. By that I mean TTC will no longer be my priority. I have to kind of think if it happens it happens (naturally) at this point. Same with adoption: if it's meant to be; it will.
After being on holiday for a month I just want to get back into my routine of the gym, painting, the school term (as of next week) and just being. I/we (as in our wee family) lead a pretty simple life all in all. It was a hectic week up North and I'm just glad to be back home. 2009 feels like a year to be enjoyed - the opposite to 2008 which in many ways was a year to be endured.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Happy New Year!
We've (as in our little family) have just got home after a two and a half week holiday at my Mum's holiday home by the beach. It was a great break and a holiday in a true sense of the word. It was for me, at least. I lived in the moment and played in the moment every single day. I truly did leave my troubles at home. SIF cropped up here and there but not in an overwhelming way at all. Mind you, I had a MOT-free and bump-free holiday too. No babies or sets of siblings to deal with. It was the perfect SIF escape.
My daughter had a blast with her cousin, Aunty and Nana too. On Tuesday my daughter and I are flying to Auckland for a week to catch up with my Dad and his (second) family. So it is nice to be home for a couple of days between holidays.
Our mail was of course collected for us while away. Including a letter from my gyno:
18th December 2008
Dear Lynda,
My apologies for the delay in getting back to you, but I have been overseas. I spoke with Dr Xxxxx Xxxx before I left regarding your elevated FSH and LH levels, which were done in July. I note these have just been repeated and they are now much closer to normal levels, suggesting there might well be some ovarian reserve. I am not sure if you are having periods.
Given the complicated nature of your secondary infertility, I wonder whether you would like to go and talk to Dr Xxxxx Xxxx, the Director of Xxxxxxx - the Infertility Clinic in Christchurch. Xxxxx comes up here every 6 - 8 weeks and would be able to discuss further treatment options, which might be guided by a new blood test known as anti-Mullerian hormone. Please give me a call if you would like to see Xxxxx and I can arrange an appointment.
Kind regards,
Yours sincerely
Xxxx Xxxx
I don't really know what I think about the above letter right now. My daughter has a 24 hour bug of some sort at the moment so my focus is quite naturally on her. I guess part of me is thinking it wouldn't hurt to contact this recommended Dr while another part is thinking I so don't want to be taking Clomid or whatever drug the medical world might like me to try. I got a period, I believe from my prescribed herbal treatments. I'm day 30 on my current cycle so it'll be interesting to see if I get another period - and when. In many ways I'd rather just continue down this path - letting nature sort itself out. I will sleep on it. Think about it for a few days. And talk to God about it. With the promise of adoption plans for 2009, I no longer feel so desperate to jump back on the SIF roundabout.
My daughter had a blast with her cousin, Aunty and Nana too. On Tuesday my daughter and I are flying to Auckland for a week to catch up with my Dad and his (second) family. So it is nice to be home for a couple of days between holidays.
Our mail was of course collected for us while away. Including a letter from my gyno:
18th December 2008
Dear Lynda,
My apologies for the delay in getting back to you, but I have been overseas. I spoke with Dr Xxxxx Xxxx before I left regarding your elevated FSH and LH levels, which were done in July. I note these have just been repeated and they are now much closer to normal levels, suggesting there might well be some ovarian reserve. I am not sure if you are having periods.
Given the complicated nature of your secondary infertility, I wonder whether you would like to go and talk to Dr Xxxxx Xxxx, the Director of Xxxxxxx - the Infertility Clinic in Christchurch. Xxxxx comes up here every 6 - 8 weeks and would be able to discuss further treatment options, which might be guided by a new blood test known as anti-Mullerian hormone. Please give me a call if you would like to see Xxxxx and I can arrange an appointment.
Kind regards,
Yours sincerely
Xxxx Xxxx
I don't really know what I think about the above letter right now. My daughter has a 24 hour bug of some sort at the moment so my focus is quite naturally on her. I guess part of me is thinking it wouldn't hurt to contact this recommended Dr while another part is thinking I so don't want to be taking Clomid or whatever drug the medical world might like me to try. I got a period, I believe from my prescribed herbal treatments. I'm day 30 on my current cycle so it'll be interesting to see if I get another period - and when. In many ways I'd rather just continue down this path - letting nature sort itself out. I will sleep on it. Think about it for a few days. And talk to God about it. With the promise of adoption plans for 2009, I no longer feel so desperate to jump back on the SIF roundabout.
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