Letting go of one dream - to embrace another

I have felt almost on cloud nine since the Education and Preparation programme on Friday. Okay - maybe not cloud nine - but in a pretty good space. And for this SI; good spaces are so very welcome!!

Something shifted on Friday. Whether it is the fact we've made a big leap up the ranks as far as the actual adoption process goes or the simple fact we attended a day-long course that made it all seem so very real and possible - I'm not sure.

I have recognised that I have been in grief for a good couple of weeks around letting go (once again) of my dream to have another biological child. How many layers there are exactly to this grief, I'm not sure. Just when I think I've closed the door on SIF; along comes another lot of intense, raw grief. Yet every time I allow myself to grieve; I come out with more acceptance and there is somehow more of a space between SIF and myself.

So I've just been through another one of these phases. I have made the jump emotionally towards embracing adoption as the way our second child is likely to come to us - if we are so lucky to be picked. After hearing various stories about open adoption here in Nelson on Friday; I know that we can do it as a couple. We're a pretty open and accepting couple as far as people's life-styles go. What I'm trying to say is; with open adoption often the birth families will come with some issues and it is certainly not the place of the adoptive parents to judge.

I can imagine driving/flying somewhere to pick up our baby. It doesn't seem so bizarre although as some of the adoptive Mums said; it is very hard to not feel as though you are stealing someone's baby under the circumstances - mainly at the start of proceedings.

We went up to the hospital yesterday to visit our neighbours who are both under twenty and have just had their first child. I was genuinely happy for them. We were even one of their first visitors. It felt so good to be rapt for someone else. To be resentment-free, even!

I don't expect all my SIF issues are completely behind me. But I do have a strong sense of having moved along quite a way over the last couple of days. We've decided we will stay in the adoption pool for just two years. After two years you have to renew things. I figure if a baby hasn't come along by the time I'm around 43; then it really wasn't meant to be.

I feel as though I can start to plan a bit more around some other things in our lives as really, there is nothing more I/we can do right now than hand our adoption dreams over to God. We're moving through the process - got accepted at the application assessment stage (medicals, police checks and references) as I found out on Friday, so that's pretty exciting. Apparently it's only if they notify you of problems that you need to worry. I'm pretty confident that we will make the final cut, as such. There are a few more stages to go, but we are well over half-way through.

Yesterday our daughter was pretty excited to meet the neighbour's baby in hospital. It was not hard to imagine that one day she could be face-to-face with another newborn that could become her little brother or sister.

I'm full of hope, faith and love right now. Sometimes you have to let go of one dream before another one can fully emerge. I think that is what has happened here.

The Preparation and Education Programme (for Adoption ) - Part I

Today we finally got to go to the Preparation and Education Programme for adoption in New Zealand.

It was a great day. There were seven couples - some had been on the previous Information Meeting back in April - but many we hadn't met before. The majority had travelled from other provincial towns in Malborough and Tasman.

We watched loads of videos all filmed in New Zealand around six/seven years ago (apparently). Clips about closed adoptions and how painful that was for the birth mothers, the adoptive families and the adopted children. There were also clips about adoptive adults who had found their birth families.

There was a "panel" of local adoptive parents too which was very interesting. Great insights into open adoptions that had occurred in recent years. One birth Mum was there too to share her side of the story.

At the beginning of the session we all introduced ourselves by name and by occupation. I "outted" myself as a stay-at-home Mum to a four and a half year old. I didn't want to pretend we weren't parents already though at the beginning my reveal did feel a little uncomfortable.

We got into groups and discussed possible adoption scenarios in the future and talked a lot about loss - for the adoptive parents, the birth parents and the adopted child.

My head is a a-spinning right now as we were there from 9 - 4.30pm. The next session (Part II) is in three weeks. Which is a good thing, I think. It was quite a lot to take in. I think it will be good to have a few weeks to digest everything.

Tonight my husband and I have our date night which will be good - it will be nice to go for a bit of a walk and get some fresh air and maybe a bite to eat somewhere local.

When I write my book about SIF I am going to have to have a chapter called: People Say The Darnest Things (!) as yesterday I was absolutely flabbergasted by my Mum's neighbours "offer". Short story: she came round to tell me her daughter was in labour and then asked me how our adoption plans were going. Which to begin with is bizarre as I don't have a relationship with her and frankly I think our adoption plans are none of her business! Her daughter obviously filled her in...Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that she might be pregnant and didn't want the child as her three kids are fully-grown (she's 47 and had her kids young) and asked me if I wanted her child!! WTF??!! I was speechless!! She asked me how that would work and I said it would have to go through social workers etc but really, if she is pregnant, it would obviously not be so good for the neighbours of her daughter to be raising her child! Not right in so many ways!!

I had to laugh at that one. I mean it's one thing for a friend to comment that my daughter must want a brother or sister to her face because she's pretending to cry like a baby - but another for an almost stranger to ask me if I'd like to raise her baby?!

Today I feel like we are moving somewhere on this baby quest - going on this programme today obviously helped. And to meet real life adoptive parents certainly helps. It could be us one day - you never know.

Birthdays can be tough

Today is my forty-first birthday. It is a sunny day after a stormy night last night. Spring is in the air and the sky is blue. The weather conditions are perfect - yet my heart is heavy.

Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day - these are hard days. It is impossible to ignore the tug of the very present I had hoped for at the very core of my being. For the last few birthdays I have hoped that God might somehow orchestrate a miracle. Yet every birthday I wind up feeling older in the true sense of the word and further away from my dream of another biological child.

I hate that this desire clouds what should be simple pleasures in my life. Like how today no present, no matter how sweet or thoughtful can replace what I really want.

Today my daughter's Kindy are off to the local petting zoo. It will be a nice morning yet I am not looking forward to spending part of my birthday with all The Completed Families that will be there. It is so unfair that once again my SIF grief threatens what should be a lovely outing with my daughter. I didn't have to go either - it's totally up to the parents on whether they choose to come or not. But there is always this background fear that my daughter could be my only one; so I am not missing out on anything! - even if it means having to tolerate groups of MOTs and MOTHs from time to time.

Does the God of my understanding have a sense of humour or what?! As on my way back home from dropping off my daughter at Kindy just now (as I have an hour here before heading back for the petting zoo excursion); my eighteen year old neighbour informed me that she thought she was in labour and asked me to sit with her until her Mum arrived! Thankfully her Mum did arrive just five minutes later. I would have supported her - and have always said I would - but still....My neighbour asked me if I thought she was in labour to which I said you're probably better off asking your Mum. Her Mum said "Oh, because you've just had one". Well, no, the reason I was thinking her Mum would be more knowledgable was because I had an emergency c-section so haven't actually experienced labour!

I truly want to enjoy the rest of my day so hope by having a wee vent this morning I can feel my Higher Powers love today. I want to have hope and faith and to feel abundance in my life. My daughter and I made a chocolate cake last night and decorated it with lollies. We're having a simple family dinner tonight. Then afterwards I have my book club to go to.

I feel obliged to feel on cloud nine because it's my birthday but I don't feel like that at all. I just want to tell someone that "I'm 41 today. I've been going through SIF for almost three years and actually, it sucks. I don't much feel like celebrating."

I've been working the twelve steps around SIF for several months now and am partly through Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. When I shared my step four on Monday, I was able to reveal how much I hold back in my SIF grief. I have realised that not being able to share how I truly feel with friends and family has been hugely detrimental to me. So, I am going to attempt to be a little more open with those around me. It's not my problem if they don't understand, feel uncomfortable or don't take my pain seriously. I am not going to be the last woman who goes through SIF - there will be many women to follow. So I think I will be helping others by disclosing as much as I feel comfortable revealing.

Grieving alone

The last week has been a tough one. Without a doubt I got triggered on the SIF front in a chain of events that left me feeling quite deflated. To top it all off: today would have been our second child's second birthday (had the chemical pregnancy Dec '07 lasted). The main reason I remember this date is because it is three days out from my own birthday (yep, I will be 41 on Wednesday). I don't do the "if the baby had made it, it would be such-and-such age" thing purposefully. Somehow the what-might-have-beens creep up on me every now and then.

Today a MOT who I met originally through our antenatal class came into work. She was there with her two kids. Yet her mother is dying and I know things are pretty rough for her right now. I have to remember that MOTs have their own struggles in life. Life is not completely rosey for them just because their families are complete.

Yet, my jealousy prevails. When I am in the midst of my SIF grief, like I have been this last week, I cannot deal with the MOT friends in my life. I really need the emotional space to have the freedom to grieve the way I need to. I feel I have to hold it in (my SIF pain) when around MOT friends. I have to pretend that all the second child milestones they naturally share with me don't break my heart. I have to pretend that I'm happy for them when most of the time I'm not.

So rather than feeling like a total SI b**tch; I distance myself from these friends. This comes at a price, however. It means I end up feeling even more alone in my grief.

I really hate the way SIF has caused such rifts between myself and my friends and family. I hate the way my pain is so intense and deep that it has become part of who I am these days. I almost feel as though I have infertile stamped across my chest. I wish people knew what to do - how to act, what to say. It is so very tiring swinging between holding it together and falling apart. How I wish it was socially acceptable to fall apart because my empty womb is aching. How I wish I could describe my intolerable pain for a second child feels to friends and family in a way they could understand it.

I feel immense pressure to be more sorted out than I am. Thankfully, when I read other people's journals and comments on line in Dailystrength and RESOLVE; I know that I am not alone. I know that my feelings are so very real and normal for someone experiencing SIF. I am not exaggerating my pain.

I know last week was a rough one and pray for lightness and relief this coming week. I sincerely hope I feel more hope as we get closer to the next step in the adoption process.

I don't want to be miserable. I want to be happy and involved in my life - excited about my future and motivated by my dreams and aspirations. At the moment SIF seems to have cast a dark enormous shadow over my being. I look forward to the day when SIF becomes a distant memory.

But for now I have to keep on fighting, holding my head up high as much as possible and not allowing myself to be beaten by the intensity of SIF.

Look who's come for a visit - AF

It's been quite the week of appointments - Monday to the oestopath (about my sore lower back), Wednesday to the Dr (about my abdominal bloating) and today to radiology (a referral from the Dr). Turns out there is no cyst.

First thing this am there was an indication that AF was arriving. After five months of no periods, it is quite the surprise to have AF visit. I suspect that my bloating is hormonal this time round. After five months without a bleed, my body probably doesn't know what's going on.

It has been a tough week. I have been triggered on the SIF front on several occasions: first thinking I might be pregnant with a swollen belly and all, consequently facing a BFN, and then today going in for an ultrasound only to be reminded of my empty womb, one ovary and failing reproductive system. It has not been easy.

I just feel so alone and so tired of trying to get people to understand my SIF pain. The only people who get it of course are the ones also in it - the people I've met on-line through Dailystrength and RESOLVE.

I feel as if I just want to distance myself from pretty much everyone I know when my SIF grief flares up. Afterall, who is going to understand that getting a recent BFN could shatter my world when it's old news that I am infertile? The general feeling out there is - even without spelling it out - shouldn't you be over this already?

Well I'm not people. I'm close to three years of fighting/living/struggling with SIF. THREE YEARS. It does not get any easier. Time is not a healer, in this case.

I can only begin to heal when my family is deemed complete. I don't know why God cannot end this cruelty and just take my desire to have another child away. It would make things so much easier. But no, here I am, hanging in there, feeling like such a tragic fool.

I try so hard to budge my life to move somewhere beyond SIF but to no avail most of the time. Somehow my/our future with another child is all tied up with other areas of our life and so everything is on hold. I cannot bear to be in touch with those who have what I so desperately want when in the throes of my SIF grief. I do not want to hear how sweet life is for them. I cannot face it.

Sometimes, when the SIF pain lessens, and I am able to come out of my SIF cave; I can reconnect briefly, fleetingly with those I love. The trouble is my loved ones often take this to mean that I'm okay, I'm over SIF and I'm ready to be out there in the world again. But I'm not. I'm so not.

A week like today just illustrates how raw the pain of SIF can be. I am in such a catch-22 situation where I want someone to listen to my bleeding heart - but most of all, to understand it. Yet at the same time I don't want anyone to see this ugliness - the desperation, the jealousy, the bitterness, the pain - and the despair.

SIF would have to be one the loneliest things I've experienced in my life - and I've been through stuff. I saw a woman the other day with her family and her head was shaved - probably a cancer victim. I had sympathy for her - her kids were young. Yet I could not help but think what about us IFs and SIFs - nobody can see our suffering. It's invisible - infertility - so most forget or seem to forget that it exists.

I've had enough of this thing taking hold of me. I so look forward to the day when I can look back on SIF and say "That was a hard phase in my life but it's in the past now." Please God, don't let that day be too far away.

As expected - a BFN

I just got back from the Dr. Sure enough I did a pregnancy test first. And I just knew, knew it was going to be a BFN. Yet I feel devastated after getting a BFN as I had allowed myself to dream, to fantasise about being pregnant. I feel like a fool.

I never thought I would ever take another pregnancy test as I thought I had pretty much being written off around TTC again. I hate that I had to take one which was 99.99% likely to be a negative. It feels as though my infertility was flaunted in front of me and I really didn't need to be reminded, thank-you very much.

So I have this swollen belly that looks like pregnancy...I am going in for an ultrasound on Friday to see if there is a cyst in there. My Dr's verdict today was that I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). WTF??!! It's caused by stress, she said. And yesterday - when I had the blurred vision, splitting headache and nausea - it was probably a migraine.

For a day or so when I thought I might perhaps be pregnant, I did think how amazing would it be to be off this SIF roller-coaster. In particular to be past all this stress. As no matter how hard I try to "lighten" up - I feel the burden of SIF on my shoulders. It's never far away.

I'm hoping the further we get into the adoption process, the further away SIF falls behind. If and when we get picked as prospective adoptive parents; perhaps I will relax a bit more. But until then we are still waiting, going through the motions of adoption. It's positive but it is a painstakingly slow - well domestic adoption is in this country (NZ), anyway.

I've shed some tears while writing this today. I feel like my morning has been blown to pieces. My precious "me-time" while my daughter is at Kindy is about picking myself up off the floor and dusting myself off. It sucks. I feel angry. Angry at God once again for allowing me to believe what seems to be the impossible. Grrrrr.

Oh well, Friday week is the Education and Preparation Assessment programme (with adoption services). Only ten days to go to that!

Out of touch with my body

One of the side affects of my SIF has been a feeling of no longer understanding or being in tune with my body. I used to know my body so well. Yet for the last two years or more I have been completely and continually baffled by my reproductive system.

This swollen belly is starting to do my head in. I had a bout of slightly blurred vision today, followed by an intense headache and then some pretty bad nausea. Luckily I was able to blob on the couch for a couple of hours watching tele with my daughter.

When the nausea hit I was starting to buy into the possibility that no periods for a while, a swollen stomach and nausea could equate to pregnancy. Hello? In most cases that would make sense wouldn't it. It would all add up. Not with me, I'm afraid.

The blurred vision of today tells me that something else is going on. Before I got pregnant with my daughter I used to have excruitating periods whereupon I would black out. That's kind of how I was feeling today - a similar feeling where I was on the verge of a black-out - without AF present. I never made it into the box for endometriosis many moons ago, but occasionally specialists will ask or have asked along this SIF journey of mine if I have had it.

Anyway, my appointment with the Dr is first thing in the morning. I just want to get the pregnancy test out of the way so whatever else is going on can be figured out.

I hate that I cannot let myself get hopeful really because of the reality - the dark, horrible truth that a pregnancy is so very, very unlikely. It does suck how what should be a dream just feels like one ridiculous fantasy.

I guess I am triggered because I have been doing the "what ifs" these past few days around being pregnant when I thought I had well and truly closed the lid on even thinking that was a possibility. Who knows what's going on with my swollen belly: perhaps it is just a cyst-bump. I have been waiting gingerly for someone to ask the awkward question since I do look a few months pregnant. But luckily those in my Mum's networks gave up looking at my stomach to see if there was a bump a good year or so ago.

What a strange, strange journey this SIF is. Continual unknowingness and confusion. It has been bizarre allowing myself to go there today and to imagine that it (SIF) could all be over. Could it? One more day to find out.

Excellent youtube SIF clip

Check out Baby, Can you Hear Me?

What an amazing clip: if friends and family are having difficulty emphasizing with SIF, then surely watching this clip should help. It got my tears flowing watching this today - a member of Dailystrength posted the link. I guess it captures the whole SIF experience in a succinct way. There are some other IF clips on youtube but this one takes the cake as far as I am concerned. I even posted it on Facebook!

The joke is on me

My body - what is it playing at this time?

A recap: December '07 a 5cm ovarian cyst was discovered via an ultrasound. I suspected something was wrong as I wasn't pregnant, but I certainly looked like I was with some bloating around my abdomin. May '08 the cyst had grown to over 6cm and so I had it removed - I had a laparotomy. Actually, two cysts were removed in the end.

My obsterician was hopeful that my fertility would improve after that op, but it never did. He didn't know what to do with me after that point since it seemed I wasn't ovulating and my periods were irregular. He referred me to a specialist but because of cash-flow problems and a realisation that all the specialists were going to do was claim my eggs were no doubt not of good quality and or quantity; I cancelled the appointment.

Since May '08 my periods have continued to be all over the place. I had one patch where I didn't have AF visit for six months, AF came back for four months, disappeared and hasn't visited for around five months.

That's the recap. The present situation is I have swollen abs all over again. It is like really bad water retention and yes, the joke is on me, as I look about three months pregnant (my husband's words). The thing is, even though I know my chances of conceiving are virtually nil, I've been prone to a bit of fantasizing these last few days around being pregnant. I am going in to see my Dr on Wednesday and am expecting I will have to do a pregnancy test and will probably be referred on for an ultrasound.

Part of me thinks imagine if by some tremendous miracle I did get pregnant - imagine that! Then another part of me is fearful that I have another cyst and am concerned about possible surgery. I cannot guess what is going on here. I know I could have done a pregnancy test myself - rather than wait til I go to the Dr - but I would rather save the expense of buying yet another pregnancy test to get yet another BFN. It is free if I go through the Dr (though I will still have to go through the consult). BTW, we haven't even (you know what) much at all the last few months so given I have erratic cycles, ovulation is unlikely, I have one ovary and we've barely even gone there - it really is no doubt a case of my body playing a bit of a mean trick on me. (as far as I am concerned).

I am partly embarrassed by my swollen abs as I have been pretty fit for the last year and a half with a flat stomach and now I look out of shape! My pants are all tight. I had to wear a skirt to work today for comfort reasons! I'm worried someone will ask me if I am pregnant!! It really is that noticeable. Seriously!!

Speaking of work I had a good day today: I spent most it of changing around the displays at the gallery. I really got stuck into my creative side.

A MOT I know, and used to be kind of friends with once upon a time came in with her family today to work. I admit it, I have resentments against her as she is the Mum who openly talked about her IF with me yet when she conceived her second child, after a patch of SIF, completely shut me down saying her husband wasn't comfortable with the world knowing how their children were conceived. I was so hurt at the time when it happened as she was - and still is - the only woman in the town I live in that I have personally met who went through SIF. I cannot understand why you wouldn't want to share your experiences - especially if the outcome was positive - with another SI.

Anyway, she gave me a hug which I thought was kind of odd. Sure, we did the small talk thing. I think one of the last times I saw her I was in tears at a Music group we both used to go to as I got so overwhelmed by all the MOTS and bumps. I actually left that day before the class started. She has seen my pain several times yet is somehow oblivious to it even though she obviously has been through similar herself. I just don't get it. I suppose some folk are much more private than others.

I've been busy on the ASD front with my daughter which is a very good focus - it gets me out of my SIF blues. To be honest, even though it's a one percent chance or something pathetic like that, that I could actually be pregnant; there is a part of me that would be concerned with a pregnancy now given autism is genetic. We are very lucky with our daughter that she is just mildly autistic. Even so, there is so much work and energy required to bring her into the mainstream - all the specialists, social stories etc take a lot of time. Some of the Mums I've met through the local autism support group have older children and then their second or third children are the ones with ASD or Aspergers. Many have said how grateful they are that it wasn't their first child who was autistic. There are differing degrees of autism and some families have several kids with differing degrees of autism: from mild to severe.

I have a God box - a physical box that sits in our wardrobe where I put my dreams and desires. Naturally my wish for "another healthy child" has been sitting there for a couple of years now. And that's just it - I would like a healthy child. I would accept whatever God had planned for us, however. Yet even within my fantasies of a family of four I picture us with our child with ASD and another - without ASD. I love my daughter more than anything. Yet it is heart-breaking at times dealing with her autism. Our daughter is thriving - she has come such a long way. But she has more struggles than typical children. I just wouldn't want another one of our children to go through it, that's all. (if we are blessed with another one).

Who knows, maybe this is why adoption is part of the grand plan for us.

I'm probably talking through a hole in my head. I'm just looking forward to seeing my Dr soon and sorting out what is going on with my body this time!

Scarcity versus abundance

In my opinion there are two ways of looking at the world. One fills your heart with misery, despair and hopelessness. The other with hope, faith and love. The former is to do with scarcity - the latter, abundance.

Unfortunately I tend to swing rather viciously between these two extremes. My experience with SIF has meant I have been fighting off and on with the God of my understanding around my own views of scarcity versus abundance.

When fertility is unlimited; when one's biological clock is switched off before one was ready: it is extremely hard to not slip into thinking that fertility operates in a scarce fashion. That is why I get so jealous of those who get awarded all the babies they wanted - like they somehow got the lucky lotto ticket.

And when my fertility comes with a time limit it affects they way I see other obstacles in my life. I lose trust and faith and start to think that perhaps the way things stand right now will in fact be the status quo for the rest of my life. Could this really be as good as it gets?

Sometimes, through a lot of hard work and many hours of treading water in this thing called SIF - I feel the hope, faith and love shining through and I feel abundance. I can feel it coming my way, like it's just around the corner.

I've been on the SIF block long enough (almost three years) to know that the ups and downs are a-plenty. I so hate the downs. I am so sick of them. I've been in yet another place of scarcity-thinking the last few days. Who can tell what exactly triggered it this time though I have been faced with several SIF challenges this last week:

1. Even though one of my closest friends in the world is finally pregnant after SIX IVFs - I was still in tears when I saw a photo of her with her much longed-for bump. I hate that I cannot feel true happiness for her. But then, she didn't tell me she was pregnant til the twelve week mark and doesn't want to share the sex of the baby with me - I feel as though I am very distanced from her emotionally at this time.

What bites I guess is the fact she's a year older than me, in her early 40s and able to conceive. Okay, so she needed assistance - but she got there. Me - I feel like such a shrivelled old prune. AF hasn't visited this time round for coming up to five months. I've been experiencing irregular cycles for a couple of years now - six months being the longest gap between periods. If I make it to twelve months without AF I will be declared to be in menopause. In a way I kind of hope that happens so I can just write off this last couple of years - POF or whatever it is - and just finally accept that my periods are over for good. It is not fun watching your periods fade out in a time you were hoping to conceive, I can tell you that much.

2. My neighbour, who is just eighteen years old, is due with her first child in a couple of weeks. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship with her and her partner and I can imagine that we'll be involved a bit with their new baby given they don't have family around. I am happy for them yet it did rip at the heart-strings hearing her talk about packing her bag for the hospital etc yesterday when I popped in to see her.

3. I took my daughter to a birthday party yesterday which was riddled with MOTs. I find it so, so hard to be around groups of families of four. Naturally the ones with new babies were exchanging stories along the lines of how the second child gets forgotten (because they are so busy). I tell you - if I get to be a MOT - I will not be forgetting my child!! Then there are the sleep comparisons - number two sleeping better than number one.

Sigh. Babies and bumps everywhere. I pray to God to show me the next step then. If it's not motherhood, what is it?? I don't have a flying f**k! I am absolutely confused as to what God wants me to do next. We are in this quandary where to move forward as a family to buy a house I will have to work more. But 1. I don't know what I want to do! and 2. There aren't many jobs around! I'm starting to think I may just have to get some temporary cleaning position for a bit.

Perhaps motherhood was the first and only time I felt truly valued and fulfilled. Now my daughter is almost four and a half and more independent and at Kindy; I do feel a strong sense of loss. SIF for me is like experiencing the empty nest syndrome in reverse! I quite simply am grieving my four year old growing up too fast and am in constant mourning, it would seem, because my nest is big enough for two but only one chick came along.

4. I painted a painting for a friends daughter's birthday last week - it's her second child. She turned two on Friday. Close to the same age ours would have been had it made it. (I had a chemical pregnancy at the end of '06). It's not something I dwell on - it's just this particular child is a month older than what ours would have been and lives in the same street, so I've seen her grow up. She's a gorgeous little girl and came up to me at Kindy the other day (her big sis is in the same class as my daughter) and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hi." My heart melted. Yet at the same time it is hard to look at her and not be reminded of the loss I went through.

I am praying to God that I am out of this scarcity way of thinking sometime soon. I want to feel and think that life is abundant again. It's way more fun!

We got the official letter in the mail on Friday confirming the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) is going ahead at the end of this month. So that's something although I feel as though it has been taking forever between getting the first initial notification of the dates for this next step in the adoption process and actually waiting for it to happen.

One day at a time. It always comes back to that.

Two inspiring women

I am a great believer in the God of my understanding talking to me through people, places and things. Today I had one of those encounters.

I was at the gym and I had a sauna afterwards. In the sauna was a Mum I've had several heart-to-hearts with during my SIF ordeal. But I haven't seen her for a while as our kids are at different Kindy's and we move in different circles. She has a very strong faith and was so very open around her own path. She already had two older children when at the age of thirty-eight she decided she wanted another one. After some time it became apparent she couldn't use her own eggs. I cannot remember the exact ins and outs of her journey to conceive but she ended up finally having not just another child but twins via donor eggs at the age of forty-eight! She'd been in her early fifties now with a couple of girls who are almost five and starting school in the next couple of weeks. Her path to have these precious twin girls was so very long yet she once said to me that her faith never wavered. She just knew she had to keep going - that it was going to happen one day, somehow.

We did a bit of the small talk stuff at the gym today and then I just told her that we were almost half-way through the adoption process. It was great to update her as the last time we talked about things I was on one of my rounds of Clomid, I think.

Her strong faith - in timing, in deliverance etc is inspiring - as is her story. I was able to share with her that my desire to have another child was so very strong and adoption just felt like the right route for us now. I also said to her that the greater spacing between kids would probably be best for us given that our daughter has ASD. It has been quite the challenge at times parenting a child on the spectrum yet we've been able to pour so much of our energy into her without having to worry about a baby or even a toddler needing our love and attention at the same time.

This woman today brought up another inspirational woman who lives in our neighbourhood. This particular woman wasn't able to have biological children but for many years has both fostered and adopted several children - like heaps of children. You would never know who was who if you saw her out with her kids. We used to go to the same music group and she showered her foster kids with as much love as her adopted children - she is amazing. The interesting thing is she will be one of the speakers at the Education and Preparation Programme in just over three weeks time that we are going to! I'm rapt that I know her already. I have pondered before about approaching her and having a chat but never have. Perhaps I am meant to just hear her story formally through Adoption Services.

These two inspiring women who are just amazing, full of love and the best Mums just give me so much hope and faith that things just could work out for us on the adoption front. If anything, today's chat at the gym was a confirmation from the universe that we are heading in the right direction.

SIF and my identity crisis

Wow, amazing how one week I can feel as though I have the whole SIF ordeal sorted and the next feel as though I have been completely crushed all over again. Time and time again I think I have nailed SIF only to have a day or days of feeling absolutely shite. Never say never when dealing with SIF!

For me SIF has been the biggest identity crisis of my life. It has filtered into my being and affected my outlook of so many things - how I see myself, my complete confusion right now as to what I want to do in life and it has affected so many of my relationships, it's not funny.

I feel so responsible for this horrible stagnant phase our family has been in for the last (almost) three years. It seems our dreams and aspirations as a family are forever an arms length away.

Buying a house is definitely the next big thing for us yet to do that I will have to work more hours. I have been applying for part-time work over the last three - four months and so far haven't had any bites. I don't even know what I want to do. I worked in the graphic design industry for a decade but it just isn't my passion. Somehow I want to work in a more meaningful field and am on the fence as to whether or not I want to return to working with special needs children since my own daughter has ASD (autism spectrum disorder).

The economic climate of course is affecting our ability to move into home ownership - not just SIF. But the emotional side of SIF is so draining at times and often I just don't have the time or energy to do much more than parent my four year old. I seem to need a lot of downtime to just "be" right now.

Sigh. I guess I am still in the midst of some changes that from the outside (and sometimes inside!) appear as if they aren't happening - but if I take a step back, I know they are happening. I am very drawn to my art and when I do have the time and energy for it - I truly enjoy painting.

I guess I am in conflict with myself as to whether I pursue a passion - or just get some job so we can buy a house. I know I could do both. I will just continue to keep an open mind as to how that all might pan out.

The next step for our adoption process is just under four weeks away. I feel as though I have been hanging out for that. By the time I've finished the first book for the book club; it'll just be days to this next step. I am really keen to meet parents who have adopted through the Education and Preparation Programme. Plus I just want to tick this step off so we can proceed to the next one! I want to keep things moving along people!

All I f**king want is to have our family completed and settled in a home that we own so we can just get on with it - just get on with living! It really isn't too much to ask now, is it? I am finding it hard to not only be jealous of friends and family who got their second children easily - but how they've been able to carry on with their other dreams such as buying houses. Sometimes it perplexes me as to why exactly such simple and everyday wants - having two children and a house are such a hurdle for us.

Logically, it makes no sense. It is only when I can get into a decent space where I can stop and listen that I think perhaps my Higher Power just sees all this as an opportunity for immense spiritual growth. I have nothing to cling to outside of myself to warm my battered ego at this point - I have no choice but to do the internal work I seem to be coaxed to do by the God of my understanding. And even though I get that - that this is my time of learning great spiritual lessons, if I am willing, I still envy that others have gotten the stuff I so desperately want so easily.

Phew. One day I hope to be able to look back at all this and genuinely claim it was worth it. I really do. In the meantime all I can do is to continue to hang in there and pray and make time for God as much as possible because at the end of the day, God is the only one who can fill this aching God-shaped hole that I have.