Hmmm. I think I am in SIF overwhelm. It's not as bad as it has been in the past - but bad enough for me to want to run and hide somewhere. I am really, really sick of how SIF affects my relationships with others, in particular. It just feels as though many of my relationships have been tainted by SIF and things aren't going to be fixed overnight.
I admit that right now I am seeing the world in a skewed kind of a way - my perspective is well and truly through the black-coloured glasses of SIF - or should I say green-coloured glasses - green for envy! So, I am in not a good place to be in touch with the pregnant women around me - I need to get myself back in balance before dealing with them. I will create some space for a bit.
One close friend is due this Saturday and the closer she gets to her due date, the harder I am finding it to hear from her. Another close friend is only a few weeks pregnant - so at the other end of her pregnancy - yet I am equally jealous of her as she is in the "over-the-moon" stage of experiencing her first pregnancy.
I feel so sour. So bitter and twisted - and I don't like it. I cannot believe two of my close friends are pregnant right now and another close friend has two children. My envy is about not being able to conceive myself but also about feeling so old, useless and not like a woman because my body cannot reproduce. Sigh. I am jealous of my friends fertile bodies - the fact they work like they should - and mine doesn't.
I went for a twenty minute walk by a river today. I shed a few tears on the way into town about all this and figured I needed some space for me and my fraught emotions before catching up with the autism support group I go to.
It was good to have some quiet time with God. I just recited The Serenity Prayer over and over. I used to go on the same walk when I walked in town on my lunch-breaks - firstly when I was TTC then when I was pregnant with my daughter. I have been praying for God's guidance as I am feeling lost within my SIF pain right now or at least have gone off the rails these last couple of days.
SIF has impacted my life so greatly and I am still frustrated that those that supposedly love me cannot see this. It is very hard on a marriage - grieving another child for so long - and frequently alone. I have so many martial issues right now that are partly skewed by SIF. I just feel if I cannot be supported emotionally through one of the most devastating things in my life then what kind of a connection do I have with my spouse? In the past when I've experienced some life-changing things I have been single - or ended up single as a consequence of a break-up that became life-changing! With SIF I have periods of time where I just want to go off and be alone - I want to go and lick my wounds and recover without the strain of trying to keep a marriage running. I guess I feel like I have so much on my plate right now managing a marriage is just about breaking me. I feel as though I am the one - as many women are - who carries us as a couple and when I crumble, we crumble. The weekly dates are good - at least we get out of the house as a couple. But emotionally I feel so very disconnected from my husband. We've done the marriage counselling thing. Reminding my husband of my emotional needs is exhausting.
I also feel disconnected from my "close" friends. I have partly caused this - and the dynamics of IF haven't helped. But it upsets me that none of my close friends pre-empt my feelings around SIF/adoption. How can they not know that this period of my life is still incredibly painful? Sure, I am out of the dark times - but the down times still happen on occasion. Why can't they check on me from time to time? Perhaps I have pushed them away at times - but if they understood SIF they would forgive some of my behaviour, wouldn't they? I am emotionally distanced from my close friends - friends I would normally talk to about my marriage stuff - as a result I feel so, so alone in all this. (once again).
I am juggling too many things right now and this on top of my SIF overwhelm has made for one unhappy camper. I am going to make an effort to get some more "me time" next week and will drop a couple of commitments. I need some time to just be - some time to make sense of all this SIF crap that has resurfaced.
Next Wednesday will be our third Nelson Infertility support group. The topic is "Managing Relationships "which is very apt for me! There might be three new women coming along which will be good. The wheels have come off this week for me but I do think it's a normal reaction for where I'm at in my SIF journey - seeking closure with close friends pregnant! Just when I think I am out of the woods (emotionally) - along comes another huge emotional reaction!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Something's in the water - but not the water I drink!
Hmmm. Why is it that sometimes everybody seems to bloody-well be falling pregnant?! I find there are times when not much is going on out there on the preggars front - then suddenly it seems like I am surrounded by The Fertiles.
So I'm feeling quite triggered today. Triggered that yesterday when I was in the gym a staff-member was off in labour having her second child. Everyone was so excited for her...
Then yesterday someone I know fairly well emailed me a scan of her baby-to-be. A first time Mum, I understood her joy and wonderment. I was okay with it at the time but I do think emails containing scans of babies ought to be seriously thought about when forwarding them to an infertile woman.
One of my close friends is due any day now - with her first child. I am excited for her - but sad for me, as I guess every time someone shares about their baby news I am reminded that this is news I won't be experiencing myself again.
I received a text a couple of days ago from another close friend telling me she is pregnant with her first. She is rapt as it was an unexpected pregnancy, in a way. She emailed today to say her and her husband had given up this year after trying for "a long time." Six - eight months is a long time? Hmmm...
I'm just a bit hurt and angry that my friends don't seem to take my feelings into consideration when telling me their baby news. Direct communication is the best way to deal with things - always - and especially as far as infertility is concerned. So I would rather I was phoned than texted or emailed about pregnancy stuff. I guess it is up to me to communicate how comfortable I am or aren't around pregnancy disclosure. Why are people so clueless or blinded by their own baby joy that they seemingly lose any sense of discretion when dealing with infertile women??
If it had been just one lot of pregnancy news this week, I would have been fine. But three lots? - the woman in labour, the scan of a baby and a text announcing a pregnancy - all a bit much in the space of two days for this infertile!!
I have a week to get myself sorted before my Dr's appointment. I want to draft a letter and think very carefully about what I want to achieve from that appointment - the one which will hopefully be the beginning of me seeking closure from SIF. Perhaps I'm feeling more vulnerable at the moment as I am having to deal with facing the grim reality around SIF while others around me get to bask in the glory of a new life being created. I feel some tears welling and may have a little cry when my husband gets home. It seems everyone else - or at least, a lot of women have been drinking out of the same water - but me, I remain well and truly parched.
So I'm feeling quite triggered today. Triggered that yesterday when I was in the gym a staff-member was off in labour having her second child. Everyone was so excited for her...
Then yesterday someone I know fairly well emailed me a scan of her baby-to-be. A first time Mum, I understood her joy and wonderment. I was okay with it at the time but I do think emails containing scans of babies ought to be seriously thought about when forwarding them to an infertile woman.
One of my close friends is due any day now - with her first child. I am excited for her - but sad for me, as I guess every time someone shares about their baby news I am reminded that this is news I won't be experiencing myself again.
I received a text a couple of days ago from another close friend telling me she is pregnant with her first. She is rapt as it was an unexpected pregnancy, in a way. She emailed today to say her and her husband had given up this year after trying for "a long time." Six - eight months is a long time? Hmmm...
I'm just a bit hurt and angry that my friends don't seem to take my feelings into consideration when telling me their baby news. Direct communication is the best way to deal with things - always - and especially as far as infertility is concerned. So I would rather I was phoned than texted or emailed about pregnancy stuff. I guess it is up to me to communicate how comfortable I am or aren't around pregnancy disclosure. Why are people so clueless or blinded by their own baby joy that they seemingly lose any sense of discretion when dealing with infertile women??
If it had been just one lot of pregnancy news this week, I would have been fine. But three lots? - the woman in labour, the scan of a baby and a text announcing a pregnancy - all a bit much in the space of two days for this infertile!!
I have a week to get myself sorted before my Dr's appointment. I want to draft a letter and think very carefully about what I want to achieve from that appointment - the one which will hopefully be the beginning of me seeking closure from SIF. Perhaps I'm feeling more vulnerable at the moment as I am having to deal with facing the grim reality around SIF while others around me get to bask in the glory of a new life being created. I feel some tears welling and may have a little cry when my husband gets home. It seems everyone else - or at least, a lot of women have been drinking out of the same water - but me, I remain well and truly parched.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Seeking closure
I have booked a couple of appointments this week in the hope of resolving my SIF mystery. I am ready to face the music as such - to hear the truth about my fluctuating high FSH levels, diminishing periods and lack of ovulation. I feel this part of my life has been going on for long enough and I am ready to close the door on it.
I have an appointment with my Dr Tuesday December 1st. I want to tell her where I'm at with my SIF journey (seeking closure), find out my lattest FSH test results (the last test was about two months ago and I don't know the results yet), and fish out the letter from the gyno #1 that delivered my daughter that clearly states I should have been referred back to her if I had trouble conceiving - and I never was. I am sitting on the fence as to whether I want to write a letter to gyno #1 directly or whether I want to send one to both my Dr and gyno # 1 talking about my journey and how I feel as though I was mismanaged within it. In fact, what I really ought to do (thinking aloud here!) is write a letter to my Dr, gyno # 1 (who delivered my daughter) and gyno #2 (who performed what turned out to be unnecessary surgery). I plan to write a letter in a direct but diplomatic fashion. I guess once I start writing the letter I'll work out what exactly I need to write.
I also have an appointment February 12th with the infertility specialist I originally had an appointment with in March. I cancelled the appointment back then as we were going through some financial strain as a family and I also was at a point in my SIF journey where I'd had enough of the medical world around SIF. Although I hadn't gone down the medical route for long; I felt the gyno who treated me within SIF botched things up a bit in the way he approached my case and it left a a very bad taste in my mouth.
Now I'm ready to hear the perspective the medical world offers me - especially now I'm out of the dark times of SIF, and have acceptance around not been able to conceive again - all I need is closure.
I've had a few fears/concerns around adding to our family of late. My husband and I seem to be working a lot between us and this is causing some disharmony in our household and I don't like it. But if we ever want to own our own home; it is what we need to do. Our daughter is unsettled with the two of us being out of the home more and that both upsets and worries me. All kids need routine and stability - but especially kids on the autism spectrum.
I've had to alter my daughter's weekly schedule this week as things were getting a bit too busy. She was able to express to me that she has been missing me and feeling lonely at Kindy (talk about tugging at the heart-strings!). I feel guilty that she's having to deal with a busy home life all because of what feels like my selfish quest - to add (hopefully) another child to our family. If I had let go of having another child then I possibly wouldn't be working two jobs right now. (to get us into our own home which might ultimately lead to another child).
My daughter had an almightly meltdown this afternoon out in public which resulted in me yelling at her as she was hitting me, pulling my hair and refusing to get into the car. I got some looks - in the shop we were in, and in the street. And I did feel like the worst mother in the world as normally I am not a yeller. I hate yelling but sometimes I have to to get my daughter to snap out of it. I am feeling the stress of juggling so much right now - my fuse is short and had I not being in this space, I might have dealt with today's meltdown differently. I do wonder having a daughter with ASD how we would go with another child. It has been commented by a few :"Just as well you just have the one!" when I talk about my daughter and the difficulties of raising a child with autism. I almost couldn't lift her into the car today when she was kicking and screaming as she must be about 23kg and I'm 60kgish with a bad back! How would I handle a child in meltdown mode and a baby?!
I just hope we are doing the right thing right now - working hard to get us into the housing market next year basically. For so long I was okay with renting as I knew if I worked beyond more than a few hours a week; we would feel it. And that is what is happening right now.
Today after I dropped off my daughter at Kindy once again there was a convey of Mums walking up the street with their toddlers in buggies after dropping off their preschoolers. I feel like an outsider at Kindy - for a couple of reasons - I am the Mum of a child with autism - and a Mum of one. I bet many think I only have one child because she's autistic but that is of course not the reason.
Luckily I have a physio appointment at the gym tonight - it will get me out of the house and I'll squeeze in a work-out beforehand! I'm just feeling a bit overloaded and frazzled right now.
I have an appointment with my Dr Tuesday December 1st. I want to tell her where I'm at with my SIF journey (seeking closure), find out my lattest FSH test results (the last test was about two months ago and I don't know the results yet), and fish out the letter from the gyno #1 that delivered my daughter that clearly states I should have been referred back to her if I had trouble conceiving - and I never was. I am sitting on the fence as to whether I want to write a letter to gyno #1 directly or whether I want to send one to both my Dr and gyno # 1 talking about my journey and how I feel as though I was mismanaged within it. In fact, what I really ought to do (thinking aloud here!) is write a letter to my Dr, gyno # 1 (who delivered my daughter) and gyno #2 (who performed what turned out to be unnecessary surgery). I plan to write a letter in a direct but diplomatic fashion. I guess once I start writing the letter I'll work out what exactly I need to write.
I also have an appointment February 12th with the infertility specialist I originally had an appointment with in March. I cancelled the appointment back then as we were going through some financial strain as a family and I also was at a point in my SIF journey where I'd had enough of the medical world around SIF. Although I hadn't gone down the medical route for long; I felt the gyno who treated me within SIF botched things up a bit in the way he approached my case and it left a a very bad taste in my mouth.
Now I'm ready to hear the perspective the medical world offers me - especially now I'm out of the dark times of SIF, and have acceptance around not been able to conceive again - all I need is closure.
I've had a few fears/concerns around adding to our family of late. My husband and I seem to be working a lot between us and this is causing some disharmony in our household and I don't like it. But if we ever want to own our own home; it is what we need to do. Our daughter is unsettled with the two of us being out of the home more and that both upsets and worries me. All kids need routine and stability - but especially kids on the autism spectrum.
I've had to alter my daughter's weekly schedule this week as things were getting a bit too busy. She was able to express to me that she has been missing me and feeling lonely at Kindy (talk about tugging at the heart-strings!). I feel guilty that she's having to deal with a busy home life all because of what feels like my selfish quest - to add (hopefully) another child to our family. If I had let go of having another child then I possibly wouldn't be working two jobs right now. (to get us into our own home which might ultimately lead to another child).
My daughter had an almightly meltdown this afternoon out in public which resulted in me yelling at her as she was hitting me, pulling my hair and refusing to get into the car. I got some looks - in the shop we were in, and in the street. And I did feel like the worst mother in the world as normally I am not a yeller. I hate yelling but sometimes I have to to get my daughter to snap out of it. I am feeling the stress of juggling so much right now - my fuse is short and had I not being in this space, I might have dealt with today's meltdown differently. I do wonder having a daughter with ASD how we would go with another child. It has been commented by a few :"Just as well you just have the one!" when I talk about my daughter and the difficulties of raising a child with autism. I almost couldn't lift her into the car today when she was kicking and screaming as she must be about 23kg and I'm 60kgish with a bad back! How would I handle a child in meltdown mode and a baby?!
I just hope we are doing the right thing right now - working hard to get us into the housing market next year basically. For so long I was okay with renting as I knew if I worked beyond more than a few hours a week; we would feel it. And that is what is happening right now.
Today after I dropped off my daughter at Kindy once again there was a convey of Mums walking up the street with their toddlers in buggies after dropping off their preschoolers. I feel like an outsider at Kindy - for a couple of reasons - I am the Mum of a child with autism - and a Mum of one. I bet many think I only have one child because she's autistic but that is of course not the reason.
Luckily I have a physio appointment at the gym tonight - it will get me out of the house and I'll squeeze in a work-out beforehand! I'm just feeling a bit overloaded and frazzled right now.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Our adoption time-line
I have resettled again within our decision to delay the adoption process - I do feel and believe very strongly it was the right thing to do, for so many reasons. Even though we aren't actively adding to our family - going through treatments or partaking in the adoption process at this point in time; our plans for the next twelve months are very much around pathing the way for another child to enter our family.
The basic time-line is as follows:
Oct 2009 - Oct 2010: I'm commiting to one year in my new job before going into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. (as once picked I will have to leave my job, possibly giving little notice and want to clock up a year minimum for CV purposes)
Late March 2010: Our daughter to start Mornings at school for her first term - til July 2nd.
April 2010: I would have been in my new job for six months so we will be able to apply for a home loan and therefore to start looking for a house! - a three-bedroomed one that will have a room for the child that will hopefully join us one day! Our daughter would have been in school for a few weeks/months by the time we find a house. She has ASD so change is big in her life. It will be good for her to be settled in school a bit before moving house. And then we'll have a few months in our new home together before the new addition hopefully arrives!
June 2010: I will contact our social worker and restart the adoption process - we'll continue assessments and interviews aiming to get our profile into the pool of prospective adoptive parents by October 2010!
Yep, I feel good about this. I believe God orchestrates things so they fall into place in the end. It seems like a long, somewhat complicated road to adding to our family that we've been on - yet it is our road, our journey - and obviously meant to happen this way.
Thursday night my husband and I looked after our neighbour's two month old so they could go to a movie. Our daughter was in bed so it was nice playing "babies" for a night. We both said we could see how easy it would be to form a bond with an adopted child - very easy - as we have one with the neighbour's daughter already. Our daughter is so besotted with her and loves it when we look after her here and there for small periods of time. It is not hard to imagine the three of us loving another family member.
I put up our recent professional family photos on the wall yesterday. It doesn't feel so wierd to have them up. For so long I couldn't do the professional family shots as I thought and felt there was someone missing. I do wonder if one day another little person will feature in our family photos but for now it is just the three of us - and that's okay. I feel as though we are moving forward as a family after months/years of being in standstill mode so that's a great feeling.
I have decided I will make an appointment with the infertility specialist I was referred to a few months back this year. I deferred my appointment because of finances - we were struggling financially for quite a few months - and just because of where I was at the time - not ready to face another specialist after the shoddy treatment I got from my gyno. But I am ready now to be told what is up with me. I want to and need to know. I cannot wait to have some closure on this part of my life for once and for all. I believe this is a big step in the whole adoption process as well - I need some time to sort out the last piece of my SIF puzzle. I am close to getting some answers - I can feel it.
I am trying to get over the fact that I will be looking at becoming a mother for the second time because of our adoption delays, at the age of 42 - it seems so old! I was an "older Mum" getting pregnant at 35 with my daughter - or so I thought at the time! I might be an older Mum but I am still a fun Mum. I do feel the pressure to be almost a super-Mum as a prospective adoptive mother and need to let go of that.
All the scrutiny through-out the adoption process brings up a lot of fears and concerns around not being good enough or should I say perfect enough to be adoptive parents. I have a few more months to deal with the emotional side of all this before getting back into the adoption process in June. It feels as though I am being really gentle with myself within the adoption process - instead of taking one year, it will take us two years which is okay, I think, given it is such a huge thing to go through.
The basic time-line is as follows:
Oct 2009 - Oct 2010: I'm commiting to one year in my new job before going into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. (as once picked I will have to leave my job, possibly giving little notice and want to clock up a year minimum for CV purposes)
Late March 2010: Our daughter to start Mornings at school for her first term - til July 2nd.
April 2010: I would have been in my new job for six months so we will be able to apply for a home loan and therefore to start looking for a house! - a three-bedroomed one that will have a room for the child that will hopefully join us one day! Our daughter would have been in school for a few weeks/months by the time we find a house. She has ASD so change is big in her life. It will be good for her to be settled in school a bit before moving house. And then we'll have a few months in our new home together before the new addition hopefully arrives!
June 2010: I will contact our social worker and restart the adoption process - we'll continue assessments and interviews aiming to get our profile into the pool of prospective adoptive parents by October 2010!
Yep, I feel good about this. I believe God orchestrates things so they fall into place in the end. It seems like a long, somewhat complicated road to adding to our family that we've been on - yet it is our road, our journey - and obviously meant to happen this way.
Thursday night my husband and I looked after our neighbour's two month old so they could go to a movie. Our daughter was in bed so it was nice playing "babies" for a night. We both said we could see how easy it would be to form a bond with an adopted child - very easy - as we have one with the neighbour's daughter already. Our daughter is so besotted with her and loves it when we look after her here and there for small periods of time. It is not hard to imagine the three of us loving another family member.
I put up our recent professional family photos on the wall yesterday. It doesn't feel so wierd to have them up. For so long I couldn't do the professional family shots as I thought and felt there was someone missing. I do wonder if one day another little person will feature in our family photos but for now it is just the three of us - and that's okay. I feel as though we are moving forward as a family after months/years of being in standstill mode so that's a great feeling.
I have decided I will make an appointment with the infertility specialist I was referred to a few months back this year. I deferred my appointment because of finances - we were struggling financially for quite a few months - and just because of where I was at the time - not ready to face another specialist after the shoddy treatment I got from my gyno. But I am ready now to be told what is up with me. I want to and need to know. I cannot wait to have some closure on this part of my life for once and for all. I believe this is a big step in the whole adoption process as well - I need some time to sort out the last piece of my SIF puzzle. I am close to getting some answers - I can feel it.
I am trying to get over the fact that I will be looking at becoming a mother for the second time because of our adoption delays, at the age of 42 - it seems so old! I was an "older Mum" getting pregnant at 35 with my daughter - or so I thought at the time! I might be an older Mum but I am still a fun Mum. I do feel the pressure to be almost a super-Mum as a prospective adoptive mother and need to let go of that.
All the scrutiny through-out the adoption process brings up a lot of fears and concerns around not being good enough or should I say perfect enough to be adoptive parents. I have a few more months to deal with the emotional side of all this before getting back into the adoption process in June. It feels as though I am being really gentle with myself within the adoption process - instead of taking one year, it will take us two years which is okay, I think, given it is such a huge thing to go through.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Processing a lot
I think it was a good decision for us delaying our adoption plans. To be honest, I don't think I was quite ready to partake in an open adoption. Even though we may not have been chosen immediately; once we were in the prospective adoptive parents pool and therefore may have had some more time to process things, I would have possibly have not been quite ready to add to our family via adoption had things kept rolling the way they were. I think it is important that we are clear and sure that this (adoption) is what we really want to do.
Many claim that adopting a child is - in the end - no different to having a biological child - that in the end - family is family. I believe and get that to a certain extent. But open adoption means how the child came to enter your family is if not a constant, a regular reminder. I'm sure, as I've heard, open adoption works well in many situations. But I am beginning to understand why one adoptive Mum shared on one of the courses we went on that it took two years to get her profile together! It does take some time to let go of one dream - to have another biological child while embracing a new dream - adding to a family via another means.
Taking this break from the adoption process is allowing me a chance to be really honest with myself around how I feel about open adoption. It really isn't as simple as replacing the biological child we couldn't have . The loss needs to be acknowledged and grieved before seriously contemplating offering a home to a child that isn't biologically ours.
I feel like there are still some SIF wounds to heal. I'm through the dark times of SIF (thank goodness!) and have acceptance around SIF. But I don't have the understanding - the answers as to why I've been through SIF. Even though I haven't ovulated or had regular periods for a good couple of years, I still don't know why. And I do want to know. So I am slowly building up the courage to do what I need to do - see my Dr, write to the gyno that delivered my daughter and possibly make an appointment with an infertility specialist. It is becoming more obvious as time goes that I need (if possible) to put the final pieces of my SIF puzzle in place.
After the latest infertility meeting, it dawned on me just how much I have held back/not pushed - even lived in some denial around my SIF. I could probably have gotten clear answers years ago but just let things float out there for fear of finding out the truth. Perhaps I needed to prepare myself emotionally and psychologically before hearing the confirmation from a professional.
It has been niggling at me too as to whether or not we really did reach the end of the road with TTC. Was there anything else we could have done? I didn't realise IUI's were so "cheap" (when compared to IVF, for instance) or at least never thought about going there as a possibility until recently. Also after getting in the mindset of adopting another child - now donor eggs also seem like a reasonable option. Although another "parent" would be in our lives to some extent with ED; it wouldn't be like open adoption where the connection is like taking on another family (depending on the arrangement, of course). Perhaps I need an appointment with an infertility specialist just to see what my options really are - even if we don't explore any of the options.
The other day our little family was in the mall and an acquaintenance of my husband's asked us when we were having another one - when my husband said we couldn't have anymore adoption was suggested. It is so natural and normal to assume another child will follow - and still awkward to tell people we can't have another child. I do feel some shame that we have to consider other methods to add to our family and I know people mean well, but it can irk me at times when adoption is suggested as the obvious alternative. Wouldn't it be nice if people acknowledged the loss and suggested we take our time to grieve before considering our next option? I guess that is asking for some kind of understanding and insight that The Fertiles don't seem to have.
I know I am exactly where I am meant to be in my life as I do think God speaks to me/us through coincidences. A woman who phoned up about the IF support group happens to work at the same college (high-school) I work at (she hasn't been able to make a meeting yet). I met her for the first time last week. I met another member of staff last week who said she heard I wore another hat (through the woman that phoned up) - that I run an IF support group and gave me her number as she completed her family via SD (sperm donor). It was certainly a first having someone I'd just met openly talking about infertility. But it was nice to have a candid conversation about how socially awkward infertility is - how no-one really talks about it. She gave me her phone number to pass on to the group which was nice, I thought.
I'm not sure where exactly I'm at in my praying for another shot at motherhood journey. In reflection, reassessing mode, I suppose. I'd rather get myself a bit more sorted out in my head now than later down the track when some post-adoption stuff could flare up. Of course even after adopting - if that is the route we continue to go down - SIF will no doubt rare it's ugly head from time to time. I know that will happen. Yet I want my dreams of having two biological children to be as resolved as possible before signing up for something that could be partly a band-aid reaction to our loss. I want to be the best parents possible for another child - in mind, body and soul. I'm just not quite there yet.
Many claim that adopting a child is - in the end - no different to having a biological child - that in the end - family is family. I believe and get that to a certain extent. But open adoption means how the child came to enter your family is if not a constant, a regular reminder. I'm sure, as I've heard, open adoption works well in many situations. But I am beginning to understand why one adoptive Mum shared on one of the courses we went on that it took two years to get her profile together! It does take some time to let go of one dream - to have another biological child while embracing a new dream - adding to a family via another means.
Taking this break from the adoption process is allowing me a chance to be really honest with myself around how I feel about open adoption. It really isn't as simple as replacing the biological child we couldn't have . The loss needs to be acknowledged and grieved before seriously contemplating offering a home to a child that isn't biologically ours.
I feel like there are still some SIF wounds to heal. I'm through the dark times of SIF (thank goodness!) and have acceptance around SIF. But I don't have the understanding - the answers as to why I've been through SIF. Even though I haven't ovulated or had regular periods for a good couple of years, I still don't know why. And I do want to know. So I am slowly building up the courage to do what I need to do - see my Dr, write to the gyno that delivered my daughter and possibly make an appointment with an infertility specialist. It is becoming more obvious as time goes that I need (if possible) to put the final pieces of my SIF puzzle in place.
After the latest infertility meeting, it dawned on me just how much I have held back/not pushed - even lived in some denial around my SIF. I could probably have gotten clear answers years ago but just let things float out there for fear of finding out the truth. Perhaps I needed to prepare myself emotionally and psychologically before hearing the confirmation from a professional.
It has been niggling at me too as to whether or not we really did reach the end of the road with TTC. Was there anything else we could have done? I didn't realise IUI's were so "cheap" (when compared to IVF, for instance) or at least never thought about going there as a possibility until recently. Also after getting in the mindset of adopting another child - now donor eggs also seem like a reasonable option. Although another "parent" would be in our lives to some extent with ED; it wouldn't be like open adoption where the connection is like taking on another family (depending on the arrangement, of course). Perhaps I need an appointment with an infertility specialist just to see what my options really are - even if we don't explore any of the options.
The other day our little family was in the mall and an acquaintenance of my husband's asked us when we were having another one - when my husband said we couldn't have anymore adoption was suggested. It is so natural and normal to assume another child will follow - and still awkward to tell people we can't have another child. I do feel some shame that we have to consider other methods to add to our family and I know people mean well, but it can irk me at times when adoption is suggested as the obvious alternative. Wouldn't it be nice if people acknowledged the loss and suggested we take our time to grieve before considering our next option? I guess that is asking for some kind of understanding and insight that The Fertiles don't seem to have.
I know I am exactly where I am meant to be in my life as I do think God speaks to me/us through coincidences. A woman who phoned up about the IF support group happens to work at the same college (high-school) I work at (she hasn't been able to make a meeting yet). I met her for the first time last week. I met another member of staff last week who said she heard I wore another hat (through the woman that phoned up) - that I run an IF support group and gave me her number as she completed her family via SD (sperm donor). It was certainly a first having someone I'd just met openly talking about infertility. But it was nice to have a candid conversation about how socially awkward infertility is - how no-one really talks about it. She gave me her phone number to pass on to the group which was nice, I thought.
I'm not sure where exactly I'm at in my praying for another shot at motherhood journey. In reflection, reassessing mode, I suppose. I'd rather get myself a bit more sorted out in my head now than later down the track when some post-adoption stuff could flare up. Of course even after adopting - if that is the route we continue to go down - SIF will no doubt rare it's ugly head from time to time. I know that will happen. Yet I want my dreams of having two biological children to be as resolved as possible before signing up for something that could be partly a band-aid reaction to our loss. I want to be the best parents possible for another child - in mind, body and soul. I'm just not quite there yet.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Another backlash
I'm a bit wobbly at the moment. I am having an emotional backlash I think around delaying our adoption plans.
I chaired the second infertility support group meeting last night - the topic was managing stress. It was good although there were just four of us this time. I shared about delaying our adoption plans and how I thought there was some grief around that. Sure enough, I've been feeling quite vulnerable around the whole SIF/adoption deal today. I've had a cry.
It's come to light that I also need some space from the adoption plans to grieve the end of my reproductive years. It was easy to get caught up in the adoption plans and to act as if I was over losing a big aspect of my feminity - the truth is, I am still grieving. Also, although the infertility support group is great, I am feeling like an outsider (like I thought I might) as the only one with SIF. It is also hard hearing about others also who are TTC while the door is closed for me. It's good to have a support group; but for me my SIF seems even more lonely as I cannot go there (out of respect for the others) around the dynamics of having a biological child and not being able to conceive again.
Although I do trust in the God of my understanding and His plans for us - I am feeling some anger around the fact that if it works out - if we get picked as an adoptive family - that it would have taken so bloody long to get there! I am still jealous of people who's lives pan out the "normal" way - get married, buy a house, have two kids...
If I had been able to conceive, then we would have just gotten pregnant and carried on with life as it stands today. We would have worked out how we'd achieve house ownership somehow. With the adoption process, I feel pressured to have come up with a "plan". I know I'm exhausted right now - adjusting to my second job and juggling a lot of stuff right now - but I don't like how busy I am/money focused we seem to be right now in the short space of two weeks.
It's good to have goals, I know that. Obviously we need to have them to achieve our dream of house ownership. Yet I feel ripped off in a way - that things are so tight schedule-wise - I just don't want to miss out on too much of my daughter's precious preschool days. At the moment I feel as if I am ferrying her and myself from one thing to the next - I miss just hanging out together.
My neighbour asked me if I'd look after her newborn today. It was only for twenty minutes but my daughter and I had fun making up silly songs and dances for the baby. I feel guilt and sadness that my daughter doesn't have the companionship in her life that having a sibling would bring - she is besotted with the neighbour's newborn.
I got triggered by a Mum at Kindy today who said she worked three days a week to escape her children - she really meant it! I know where she was coming from - all Mums need/should have some space - yet if I am lucky enough to be blessed with another child I won't be rushing back into the workforce in a hurry!
I am feeling some loss this week. Loss around striving to add to our family. Even though our financial goals are a big part of that decision, I am missing being active around adding to our family. I also have some grief coming up around my daughter starting school at the end of March. I had an appointment with special education and her new entrant teacher yesterday. It went well. But I know I will have a bit of the empty-nest thing going on once my daughter settles into school.
To top it all off, my back continues to give me grief and I am currently taped up for a few days. I feel quite irritable with the pain and discomfort and am over it!
I probably just need an early night. I have been go-go-go for a good couple of weeks and the wheels are starting to come off. I've had a positive few weeks of feeling okay, even great with my path. But today I am grieving.
I chaired the second infertility support group meeting last night - the topic was managing stress. It was good although there were just four of us this time. I shared about delaying our adoption plans and how I thought there was some grief around that. Sure enough, I've been feeling quite vulnerable around the whole SIF/adoption deal today. I've had a cry.
It's come to light that I also need some space from the adoption plans to grieve the end of my reproductive years. It was easy to get caught up in the adoption plans and to act as if I was over losing a big aspect of my feminity - the truth is, I am still grieving. Also, although the infertility support group is great, I am feeling like an outsider (like I thought I might) as the only one with SIF. It is also hard hearing about others also who are TTC while the door is closed for me. It's good to have a support group; but for me my SIF seems even more lonely as I cannot go there (out of respect for the others) around the dynamics of having a biological child and not being able to conceive again.
Although I do trust in the God of my understanding and His plans for us - I am feeling some anger around the fact that if it works out - if we get picked as an adoptive family - that it would have taken so bloody long to get there! I am still jealous of people who's lives pan out the "normal" way - get married, buy a house, have two kids...
If I had been able to conceive, then we would have just gotten pregnant and carried on with life as it stands today. We would have worked out how we'd achieve house ownership somehow. With the adoption process, I feel pressured to have come up with a "plan". I know I'm exhausted right now - adjusting to my second job and juggling a lot of stuff right now - but I don't like how busy I am/money focused we seem to be right now in the short space of two weeks.
It's good to have goals, I know that. Obviously we need to have them to achieve our dream of house ownership. Yet I feel ripped off in a way - that things are so tight schedule-wise - I just don't want to miss out on too much of my daughter's precious preschool days. At the moment I feel as if I am ferrying her and myself from one thing to the next - I miss just hanging out together.
My neighbour asked me if I'd look after her newborn today. It was only for twenty minutes but my daughter and I had fun making up silly songs and dances for the baby. I feel guilt and sadness that my daughter doesn't have the companionship in her life that having a sibling would bring - she is besotted with the neighbour's newborn.
I got triggered by a Mum at Kindy today who said she worked three days a week to escape her children - she really meant it! I know where she was coming from - all Mums need/should have some space - yet if I am lucky enough to be blessed with another child I won't be rushing back into the workforce in a hurry!
I am feeling some loss this week. Loss around striving to add to our family. Even though our financial goals are a big part of that decision, I am missing being active around adding to our family. I also have some grief coming up around my daughter starting school at the end of March. I had an appointment with special education and her new entrant teacher yesterday. It went well. But I know I will have a bit of the empty-nest thing going on once my daughter settles into school.
To top it all off, my back continues to give me grief and I am currently taped up for a few days. I feel quite irritable with the pain and discomfort and am over it!
I probably just need an early night. I have been go-go-go for a good couple of weeks and the wheels are starting to come off. I've had a positive few weeks of feeling okay, even great with my path. But today I am grieving.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Enjoying being something other than an infertile woman!
Life continues to be pretty jam-packed this end. I feel like I am racing from one thing to the next. In some ways I have been enjoying being busy and feeling fulfilled after the painful, empty days of SIF. In other ways I'd like to just stop and breathe for a minute!!
I had a lovely mother-daughter weekend in Wellington with my Mum. It was busy as we packed a lot in. I caught up with a couple of friends but didn't tell most of my friends I was going to be there. The friends I caught up with are both childless. I was having a child-free weekend I suppose and even though I'm in a good space around SIF; I still didn't fancy catching up with friends who have Completed Families.
I just now spoke with our social worker and have delayed our adoption plans - can you believe it?! I am amazed after so many years of feeling so desperate and in constant grief around having another child that I have just told our social worker that we won't be ready to adopt until October 2010 because of my new job/our plans to buy a house. But it feels good - it feels like the right thing to do.
I feel like I am letting go of my dreams to add to our family once again - in a healthy, realistic manner. It feels incredibly freeing to just let go of it - to carry on with our lives for a year while not worrying about how things will pan out in the future as far as adding to our family goes. If the worst case scenario happens and we don't get chosen by a birth family then at least we will have carried on with our lives as the family we are today while working towards our family goals.
I am really enjoying my new job though I am still working with my predecessor - we have a three week cross-over which isn't bad. I do feel a little out of place when I drop my daughter off at Kindy in the morning in my "work clothes" while the majority of Mums get around in their casual clothes. It is only three mornings a week that I am working but I do feel different at Kindy as a part-time working Mum. Who knows from the outside how it looks (and who really cares!) but it does feel even to me as though we have moved on from the baby, toddler and soon - in a few months - the preschool years!!
I told the social worker on the phone this afternoon that I wanted to be an at-home Mum all over again to a baby if we are picked by a birth family and to be able to achieve that - it seems best that I work now. At first I was surprised when the social worker said we should just delay the adoption process - her reasoning being there was no point in continuing with the assessments if things were going to change over the next few months. It makes sense and I do agree. I guess after all these years of pining for another child it seems unreal that we could have been just a few months away from being in the prospective adoptive parents pool and now it will be a year away.
I bumped into one of the adoptive Mums that was on our Education and Preparation course in September this week - as in she was one of the Mums sharing her story. I already knew her before the course - she's just the loveliest person. Somehow seeing her felt like a little reminder - a reassurance from God that our family may will grow in the future. But for now it all seems to be about going with the status quo and working with what we have as opposed to what we don't have.
Last week I picked up some professional photos we had taken of our wee family. Somehow having a recent photo up of just the three of us feels like another form of acceptance - for so long I couldn't bear family photos that seemed to be missing someone.
Life just doesn't always turned out the way we hope but sometimes the alternatives aren't that bad. I will be 42 when we go into the prospective parents pool! (I turned 41 in August). Even up until recently 42 was my age limit for adding to our family. But if we are on the books for two years that means I will be looking at becoming a Mum for the second time somewhere between the age of 42 and 44 years! When we first TTC our second child I wanted our family to be complete by the time I was 40 - never say never, I guess!
Tomorrow night is the second infertility support group here in Nelson. I'm not sure if all the same women from last time are coming again as I haven't heard from everyone - but there will be a couple of extra women hopefully coming for the first time. I'm looking forward to it though it would be nice if someone with SIF joined the group as so far the group has been comprised of PIs and myself.
I had a lovely mother-daughter weekend in Wellington with my Mum. It was busy as we packed a lot in. I caught up with a couple of friends but didn't tell most of my friends I was going to be there. The friends I caught up with are both childless. I was having a child-free weekend I suppose and even though I'm in a good space around SIF; I still didn't fancy catching up with friends who have Completed Families.
I just now spoke with our social worker and have delayed our adoption plans - can you believe it?! I am amazed after so many years of feeling so desperate and in constant grief around having another child that I have just told our social worker that we won't be ready to adopt until October 2010 because of my new job/our plans to buy a house. But it feels good - it feels like the right thing to do.
I feel like I am letting go of my dreams to add to our family once again - in a healthy, realistic manner. It feels incredibly freeing to just let go of it - to carry on with our lives for a year while not worrying about how things will pan out in the future as far as adding to our family goes. If the worst case scenario happens and we don't get chosen by a birth family then at least we will have carried on with our lives as the family we are today while working towards our family goals.
I am really enjoying my new job though I am still working with my predecessor - we have a three week cross-over which isn't bad. I do feel a little out of place when I drop my daughter off at Kindy in the morning in my "work clothes" while the majority of Mums get around in their casual clothes. It is only three mornings a week that I am working but I do feel different at Kindy as a part-time working Mum. Who knows from the outside how it looks (and who really cares!) but it does feel even to me as though we have moved on from the baby, toddler and soon - in a few months - the preschool years!!
I told the social worker on the phone this afternoon that I wanted to be an at-home Mum all over again to a baby if we are picked by a birth family and to be able to achieve that - it seems best that I work now. At first I was surprised when the social worker said we should just delay the adoption process - her reasoning being there was no point in continuing with the assessments if things were going to change over the next few months. It makes sense and I do agree. I guess after all these years of pining for another child it seems unreal that we could have been just a few months away from being in the prospective adoptive parents pool and now it will be a year away.
I bumped into one of the adoptive Mums that was on our Education and Preparation course in September this week - as in she was one of the Mums sharing her story. I already knew her before the course - she's just the loveliest person. Somehow seeing her felt like a little reminder - a reassurance from God that our family may will grow in the future. But for now it all seems to be about going with the status quo and working with what we have as opposed to what we don't have.
Last week I picked up some professional photos we had taken of our wee family. Somehow having a recent photo up of just the three of us feels like another form of acceptance - for so long I couldn't bear family photos that seemed to be missing someone.
Life just doesn't always turned out the way we hope but sometimes the alternatives aren't that bad. I will be 42 when we go into the prospective parents pool! (I turned 41 in August). Even up until recently 42 was my age limit for adding to our family. But if we are on the books for two years that means I will be looking at becoming a Mum for the second time somewhere between the age of 42 and 44 years! When we first TTC our second child I wanted our family to be complete by the time I was 40 - never say never, I guess!
Tomorrow night is the second infertility support group here in Nelson. I'm not sure if all the same women from last time are coming again as I haven't heard from everyone - but there will be a couple of extra women hopefully coming for the first time. I'm looking forward to it though it would be nice if someone with SIF joined the group as so far the group has been comprised of PIs and myself.
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