A little bit peeved

Hmmm. Contact with the medical world on this SIF journey always seems to ruffle my feathers.

This morning I phoned my gyno surgery to be told once again that I couldn't talk to my gyno directly. His inhuman, snappy receptionist pretty much told me that the letter he'd sent me at the end of last year clearly said the next step was to make an appointment with the recommended infertility specialist. I had got that - but I just thought a chat about that would have been nice. I am so over the communicating-via-letter relationship I've had with this gyno. May '08 he cut into my insides and removed a couple of cysts. Pretty intimate stuff.

Yet my gyno never had the bedside manner going for him, admitting a day or after my surgery in so many words that my surgery was unnecessary (sure it didn't cost me a bean but I'd rather have spent three nights somewhere else thanks). Quite frankly I am not a fan of the medical world. I know I shouldn't just write all medical professionals off but my contact with them over the last two years has been nothing short of frustrating, degrading and annoying. Initating contact again just makes me cringe!

Sigh. Even my counsellor and the whole system around mental health irks me. I am only having free counselling because I'm on anti-depressants. Which is good, I know. Once again, it hasn't cost me a cent. My counsellor read out a report about me yesterday - guided by specific questions that were compulsory for me to answer. Yet I feel pressured to get over SIF, otherwise I might be stuck in counselling sessions and on anti-depressants for God knows how long.

My counsellor says she's worked with a lot of clients around infertility issues but I know she has never experienced it. It is different to other losses in life. Most losses occur once you've had someone or something in your life that you care very much about it and it is taken away from you, for whatever reason. Except for miscarriage losses, a lot of infertiles are grieving something that never was - that might never be.

I get the feeling even counsellors think one should be a lot more sorted than they are because of this. I could be wrong. I suppose my thing is feelings are not bad. I know professionally my counsellor is trying to coax me out of a depression. Yet getting the vibe that I should be over it asap, doesn't make me feel that understood. I do like my counsellor in lots of ways and will stick with her. I just don't feel like I have one hundred percent compassion. Our sessions seem to be more about getting out of the victim mode of living with SIF and accepting the powerlessness of the situation. It's not really an outlet for me to cry, rant or to share my pain.

In my counselling report notes it says that I have withdrawn with SIF. I have. But I have tried to reach out - and as any SI will tell you - it's not easy finding someone in real life that will be able to empathise. I have only ever met one SI in two years and she never wanted to talk about things beyond a certain level. I have never really opened up and can't see I ever will with MOTs, despite demonstrations of compassion here and there. It's two painful. Just contacting any MOT friend is a painful reminder that she has what I don't. I can only contact them when I'm in a good space. This often means gaps in my contact with them.

My infertile friends don't want to hear too much. They don't need to say anything but I get the feeling that small increments of my SIF pain is enough ('cos you know, I do have the one child already). Childless friends by choice cannot relate - and don't want to. Afterall, they don't want kids for a reason. Other women who can't have children for reasons other than infertility find it hard to hear about my grief as it triggers them in their grief. My husband cannot understand how deep the SIF pain is for me so there is only so much I can share.

Whatever way I look at it, there isn't anyone in my life I can share with regularly, in an ongoing fashion. And I am someone who needs to connect, to share my emotions, to feel heard. I can see why this lack of a continous emotional exchange partly led to a depression. Dailystrength has been amazing - yet even contact there is often intermittent. Members (including myself) often need time-outs.

On top of this lack of continuous emotional connection over the last two years, I have a tendency to trivalise my own pain. So when someone doesn't "get it" - that SIF has been a huge deal in my life - I shut down emotionally with that person. It takes a lot of guts for anyone to share their vulnerable side. And I feel rejection just like anyone else.

So, I will endeavour to reach out more though I am not sure I can do much more than I am doing. I do believe I have lost some strong emotional connections with some friends because of SIF and that has been very hard. All I really want is people to phone me up if possible and say How's things? Do you want to talk about SIF? That would mean a lot to me. It would show they were thinking of me and that I had the option to talk if I wanted to. Texting and emails are terrible - because sometimes SIF is brought up when I don't want to talk about it and all sorts of miscommunications can happen. I'm all for direct communication. Now I ought to practise what I preach. I ought to phone the people I care about who I know are in pain themselves. If that's one thing that has come out this it's my ability to empathise with people who are struggling with huge losses in their lives.